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Date Posted: 13:20:08 07/06/09 Mon
Author: Debi
Subject: Okay, I'll try not screw this post up like the others: My last 500

I'm being very careful now; let's see if I'm capable of posting correctly.
My last 500 written words in Old Dogs (Valerie and Daniel's story, are contained herein.

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[> So far, so good, follow me... -- Debi, 13:28:48 07/06/09 Mon

Actually it's almost 1,000 words, but it wouldn't make much sense to cut the scene in half. Everyone would be confused.

Okay, more of the early in the relationship stuff. After the gardening incident, after the cat bite(s), before her bout with the flu, way before the snake and canoe debacle. Sometimes siblings are a pain in the ass.

Old Dogs copyright 2008/2009, Debi Matlack; all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and crit purposes only; does not constitute publication.
**************

Walking naked to Alan and Nessa’s house would have resulted in a life-threatening quantity of mosquito bites, so Valerie settled on jeans and a t-shirt. Not willing to show up completely empty-handed, she brought homemade biscuits. Baking was the one talent she had developed in the kitchen. Alan took the basket from her at the front door and kissed her on the forehead.

“I love you for this. I have butter and jelly already out.”

“No you don’t!” Nessa shouted from the kitchen. “You can have them later, with supper.”

“They’re hot now.” Alan slipped one from the basket and hid it on the shelf next to a stack of magazines, then carried the basket into the kitchen.

Nessa was rolling pink bundles of chicken in bread crumbs, placing them carefully on a pan next to her. Looking up at Valerie, she shook her head. “You couldn’t find anything better to wear than that?”

Valerie exchanged a look with Alan, who was sneaking back toward the living room and the illicit biscuit. She considered squealing on him, but was having too much fun watching him try to be sly. Chuckling, she turned back to her sister. “You’re not exactly dressed for a night on the town either.”

“I can change clothes and plan to, once I get these in the oven.”

Valerie helped herself to a beer from the fridge. “I didn’t know this was a formal occasion. You just said not to wear my jammies, and the joke about coming naked didn’t seem to go over too well, so here I am.”

“Naked?!” echoed from the living room.

The sisters giggled, Nessa sighing. “Such a boy.” The last chicken breast went onto the tray and she washed her hands at the sink. “Did Dad come fix your car yet? I didn’t see him go by.”

“Tomorrow.” Valerie took a swig of the beer, grimaced and looked at the label. “How long has this stuff been in there?”

Nessa shrugged, sliding the shallow pan into the oven, then stirred something simmering on the cooktop. Alan came in, a few crumbs clinging to his lips. Valerie caught his gaze and made a surreptitious brushing motion. He removed the evidence just as Nessa moved to go around him toward the stairs. She paused.

“Oh Val, if someone knocks, it’ll be Daniel.”

“What?”

“He’s coming for dinner too.” Before Valerie could protest, Nessa scooted out of the room. Valerie turned on her brother-in-law, her dark brows raised. She must have looked dangerous; he caved and confessed before she ever uttered a sound.

“Val, it’s not what you think—“

“What do I think?”

“That we’re trying to set you up with him.”

“And you aren’t?”

“Well, we are, but not this blatantly. Give me some credit for subtlety.”

“Alan, you gave me a bright purple vibrator for my birthday. That’s not subtle in the slightest.”

“That was a joke, and besides, if you two get along, you won’t need it.”

“I’ll still need it, to beat your ass with.”

Alan grinned and spread his hands with a shrug. “If it’ll stop you from hiding it in my office. Okay, so maybe I don’t sneak very well. But just give it a chance, willya?”

Valerie sobered, shaking her head. “No, Alan, I won’t. I was manipulated and lied to and treated like an idiot for eight years. I’m done with that. Daniel’s a nice guy, a very nice guy, but I have no desire to get into another relationship. I can’t make myself happy yet. I don’t want to have to worry about someone else.” The fact of the matter was that she was attracted to Daniel. A woman would have to be long dead not to be. But she didn’t want to be; she was afraid, and unwilling to conquer her fear. It was safe, being alone. No having to perform, to put up a front in order to keep someone else satisfied. Taser didn’t care what she did or when she did it and Valerie enjoyed the freedom. The freedom and the protection of being alone.
Frustrated, she set the half-full bottle of beer on the counter. “Here, drink this; it tastes like shit. I’m going home.”

“Val, no! Come back, please? Nessa will kill me if you don’t stay.”

“And I might kill you both if I do stay.” Ignoring his further protests, she headed toward the back door, waving a dismissive hand. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow, when Dad’s here. He can referee.”

The door closed behind her, the screen door slamming into place. It was almost dark out and fireflies were starting to flash at the edge of the woods. She trotted down the steps with the intention of crossing around the house back to the driveway. From the corner of her eye, a dark shape moved along the path, startling her and she almost screamed.

The shape stopped. “Am I too late?” There was no mistaking Daniel’s accent.

Valerie kept going, waving a hand at the house behind her. “They’re inside.”

“Wait.”

Something in his tone made her want to comply. It was a request, not a demand, and she felt herself turning around to look at him. He was silhouetted in the light from the kitchen window. He gave her a long, searching look, then displayed the bottle of wine in his hands.

“Will this go with what Nessa made for dinner?”

Disarmed by his question, Valerie sighed. Suppressing a reluctant smile, she walked toward him, toward the back door.

“Let’s find out.”

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[> [> Illicit biscuit! I LOVE that! >>>> -- Page, 21:09:49 07/09/09 Thu

As always, Debi, great work! Your writing has such a great voice.

There's only one thing about this excerpt that bothered me. To me, she capitulated too quickly after running into Daniel in the yard. I understood her irritation with Nessa and Alan, her explanation of why she didn't want to get into another relationship, and the reason she left. As pissed off as she was, I wouldn't have expected her to go back into the house just because Daniel showed up with wine. Unless she needed a good snort? *G*

Other than that, I loved it!

Hugs,
Page

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[> [> [> Good point... -- Debi, 06:40:18 07/10/09 Fri

>As always, Debi, great work! Your writing has such a
>great voice.
>
>There's only one thing about this excerpt that
>bothered me. To me, she capitulated too quickly after
>running into Daniel in the yard. I understood her
>irritation with Nessa and Alan, her explanation of why
>she didn't want to get into another relationship, and
>the reason she left. As pissed off as she was, I
>wouldn't have expected her to go back into the house
>just because Daniel showed up with wine. Unless she
>needed a good snort? *G*

Well, the beer wasn't any good...;-)
But seriously, folks, Valerie ran into Daniel, and, even though she was angry, realized it wasn't his fault why she was pissed off. And it was maybe laziness on my part since I couldn't think of anything else for her to say. The bottle of wine bit was the only innocuous thing I could think of for him to say that would intrigue her, not put him on the offensive asking why she was leaving (because I don't think he knew she was going to be there; Alan and Nessa are still trying to be sneaky, just without much success. And his asking a fairly innocent question would make her less suspicious of him. She's still not very trusting.
>
>Other than that, I loved it!

Thank you!

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[> [> [> [> Debi >>>> -- Page, 21:34:29 07/11/09 Sat

>
>Well, the beer wasn't any good...;-)
>But seriously, folks, Valerie ran into Daniel, and,
>even though she was angry, realized it wasn't his
>fault why she was pissed off. And it was maybe
>laziness on my part since I couldn't think of anything
>else for her to say. The bottle of wine bit was the
>only innocuous thing I could think of for him to say
>that would intrigue her, not put him on the offensive
>asking why she was leaving (because I don't think he
>knew she was going to be there; Alan and Nessa are
>still trying to be sneaky, just without much success.
>And his asking a fairly innocent question would make
>her less suspicious of him. She's still not very
>trusting.

I liked Daniel here. While reading it, I got the strong sense that he didn't know Val had been invited to dinner, too, but that he wasn't too surprised to see her there. Assuming she was a dinner guest, he took the opportunity to ask her about the wine. I do like how Valerie didn't take out her exasperation with Alan and Nessa on Daniel. I think I like it so much, because I would be prone to get snippy with him, even though it wasn't his doing. One of my faults, and one I've been working hard to overcome! *G*

I like what you said about laziness. I run into the same problem so many times. I get to a point in the scene, come to dead stop, and think, "Now what?" Sometimes I just leave it, intending to go back later and see if any inspiration strikes; and sometimes I close my eyes and see if any of the other characters are going to make an appearance and save the day. Lots of times, Maureen or Stuart show up and say something, and then I can go back in and find out how they got there in the first place. But most of the time, I just leave it, and find if I go back later, and re-read it with fresh eyes, I can fix it. Most times it requires a bit of reworking in the preceding passages, but it usually works itself out. You're not alone! *G*

Last edited by author: Sat July 11, 2009 21:34:56   Edited 1 time.

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[> [> You're doing great *G* >>> -- Esther, 14:16:19 07/17/09 Fri

Okay, that naked part right at the beginning threw me for a loop, but I got it later. *G* And when I read that she should have dressed better, I had a suspicion that someone was coming.

Nice touches in here that make it a joy to read. Like the stolen biscuit and the friendship that allowed her to participate in the scam. And that purple vibrator? Priceless!

Here's what I don't get. Why did they mention that if someone knocked it would be Daniel. If they were trying to be sly, why not just let things unfold and have Valerie in the house without a clue until Daniel makes an appearance? They must have known she wouldn't be thrilled with a set up and that way it would have appeared to be a 'oh I ran into him and invited him to come' instead of 'we're setting you up' we told you and we anticiapate you're going to bolt. *shrug*

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[> Another 500 -- Debi, 12:46:05 07/12/09 Sun

Anybody remember the break-up scene that I posted, oh, about 100 years ago? This is the afternoon and evening leading up to that. It's Christmastime, it's cold (yes, Florida can get cold, well, cold to us, anyway.

Old Dogs, working title, copyright 2008-2009, Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and critique purposes only, does not constitute publication.
*****************

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Daniel sounded skeptical.

It was freezing out, one of those rare Florida winter days where the temperature never got warmer than the forties. The sky was a clear cerulean, deepening toward violet in the east, the western sky starting to glow with salmon, in promise of a red sky at sunset. Valerie was certain there would be a crust of ice along the boat ramp by morning.

“Absolutely.”

Daniel pulled a watch cap down over his ears. “You’re insane.”

“How else are we supposed to see the Christmas lights along the creek and lake shore? And, wait a minute, isn’t it cold in the winter in England?” Valerie was bundled in multiple layers, but her head was bare.

Daniel shook his head and jammed an old wool blanket under his arm. “Of course it is. That’s why we have the God-given good sense to stay inside by the fire.” He nodded toward the fireplace. “I could relight the fire now. There’s wine.” He sighed with a reluctant smile as Valerie took the other end of the blanket and began to tug him toward his back door and the dock beyond.

“Save that for later. It was my turn to pick something to do again and this is it.” She raised her brows at him and grinned. “I’m right, you know I am…”

He stopped, chuckling when this brought her up short. With a frown, she turned back to him. “Don’t give me that look, young lady. There’s a reason I moved to Florida.”

“Yeah, the airline transferred you here. You told me. What’s your point?” Turning back to the door, she gripped the blanket tight and set her weight into pulling him forward.

“My point is, the airline flies out of a lot of cities all over the world. I picked this one because I liked the warm weather.”

Valerie dug her toes into the rug, leaning into the blanket, dragging him one more step toward the door before he stopped her again simply by refusing to move. With a sigh, she straightened and let go, turning toward him. “Well, if you don’t want to go…”

“Good God; you’re such a child.”

“I could hold my breath.” A snort of amusement escaped him and another tug brought him a step closer to the door. “Come on!”

Her enthusiasm was beginning to catch, she was sure of it. Daniel was smiling, even if he tried to hide it from her. He was probably acting stubborn just to irritate her. Finally out the door, they walked along the path to the dock.

The boat was already fitted with cushions and a basket tucked along the stern.

“You are such a jerk.” Valerie untied the rope from the cleat on the dock, winding it into a neat coil.

“What, because I was prepared?” Donning a lifejacket and handing her one, Daniel turned the key and the motor rumbled into life.

“For dragging your heels so much when you already had everything ready to go.” She arched her brows at him, plopping onto the seat along the starboard side.

Backing the boat out, Daniel steered her toward the mouth of the creek and the fish camp. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see him looking at her and she bit her lips to keep from smiling. He reached for her and she turned her head away, pretending to be fascinated with the surface of the water just behind her.

“Are you trying to touch me?”

Daniel hooked a finger in the blanket she was sitting on, gripped it and tugged her toward him with one arm. Now that she was within reach, he extended his index finger and poked her in the shoulder. “Yes I am.”

Unable to contain herself any longer, Valerie started to grin.

“What took you so long?”

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[> [> Well, I remember an >>> -- Esther, 14:23:32 07/17/09 Fri

Ottoman. Is that it? *G*

Okay, and in that respect, this is like reading the calm before the storm. Their friendship and attraction is clear and the banter between them is natural and makes it a pleasure to read. This is one couple I like reading about.

Hugs

Esther

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[> [> [> It was an ottoman... -- Debi, 18:45:31 07/17/09 Fri

>Ottoman. Is that it? *G*

LOL. You didn't like the ottoman so I changed it to a chaise. But you do remember!
>
>Okay, and in that respect, this is like reading the
>calm before the storm. Their friendship and
>attraction is clear and the banter between them is
>natural and makes it a pleasure to read. This is one
>couple I like reading about.

*big sigh of relief* Thank you so much. Making people seem real and true is what I aim for, hoping I get close. I'm glad you find them so.

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[> [> I'm with Daniel -- I like WARM weather >>>>> -- Page, 23:07:26 07/17/09 Fri

Of course, when the weather's warm the majority of the time, the cold seems even more intense. *pouts* I so miss living on the Gulf Coast!

I absolutely adored the mental picture I got of Valerie tugging Daniel to the door, using the blanket as a rope. And then when they get to the boat, he's already stowed a picnic there in anticipation. Love it!

Only one thing in here made me pause. I know boats are female, but this line threw me:

Backing the boat out, Daniel steered her toward the mouth of the creek and the fish camp.

I had to stop and go back to read it again, because my mind shouted, "He steered Valerie?"

Other than that, it's great. Again, you have one hell of a voice, girl!

Hugs,
Page

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[> [> [> Thanks! -- Debi, 07:26:13 07/18/09 Sat

>Of course, when the weather's warm the majority of the
>time, the cold seems even more intense. *pouts* I so
>miss living on the Gulf Coast!

It's hot and muggy as hell now and I'm halfway between both Florida coasts. Probably would be worse if I were closer to either side.
>
>I absolutely adored the mental picture I got of
>Valerie tugging Daniel to the door, using the blanket
>as a rope. And then when they get to the boat, he's
>already stowed a picnic there in anticipation. Love
>it!

Thank you! They're great friends now and he enjoys teasing her; she reacts with gratifying speed and intensity... wait that sounds like something else...LOL. But that comes later...
>
>Only one thing in here made me pause. I know boats
>are female, but this line threw me:
>
>Backing the boat out, Daniel steered her toward the
>mouth of the creek and the fish camp.
>
>I had to stop and go back to read it again, because my
>mind shouted, "He steered Valerie?"
>
>Other than that, it's great. Again, you have one hell
>of a voice, girl!

*snerk* Okay, I'll fix that. For that bit, the boat gets to be an 'it'...
And that you so much for the wonderful compliment. I have a voice! Woo Hoo!
>Hugs,
>Page

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