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Date Posted: 04:07:01 10/12/09 Mon
Author: Lady Morilka (*bg*)
Subject: crit this way...
In reply to:
Debi
's message, "Walk this way..." on 12:51:39 10/03/09 Sat
>Excerpt from Old Dogs, copyright 2008-2009,
>Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing
>and critique purposes only; does not constitute
>publication.
>**********
>
>“Knock, knock.”
>
>Daniel turned toward the front of the house where the
>voice had come from. Vanessa came in, laden with
>grocery bags. He took some from her and they made it
>to the counter in the kitchen.
made it there before what? Before the bags fall apart, the content spilled....
>
>“Thanks. How’s the patient?” Nessa caught an apple as
>it rolled to the edge of the sink.
>
>Daniel nodded toward the bathroom. “She’s
>decontaminating as we speak.”
Lol
He started rummaging in
>the bags and putting things away in the fridge and
>cabinets. “She had a pretty high fever last night, but
>once I started dosing her with ibuprofen it seemed to
>help.”
>
>Nessa brushed a stray lock of pale hair behind her ear
>and nodded, rooting for a pan and setting out eggs and
>sausage. “Did she have nightmares?”
How close are they at this point? just wondering when exactly in the story this scene is set.
>
>Daniel watched as Nessa sprayed the pan and put it on
>the burner, reaching for the sausage. He nudged the
>package closer. “One time, but it was all right,
>though for a moment I was starting to wonder at the
>wisdom of my declining your offer to come over.”
>
>The pan began to smoke and Nessa dropped the links in.
>“Val’s had night terrors since we were kids. Don’t
>know why, our childhood wasn’t particularly traumatic.
>She just never outgrew them. They’re worse when she’s
>under stress.”
I can totally relate to the never outgrown part, also stress doesnt make them worse for me, I sleep like a stone whem I'm under stress.;)
>
>“Like a fever.”
>
>“Or a bad marriage.” Nessa smiled, throwing a quick
>glance over her shoulder toward the hallway, making
>sure Valerie wasn’t eavesdropping. “She’d call me
>about once a week, usually a wreck because she wasn’t
>getting any sleep.”
This part is good, it showes just how bad her marriage was for her.
>
>Daniel made a sympathetic face as he plugged in the
>toaster. “That’s terrible. Cassandra and I had rough
>patches, everyone does, but we always worked things
>out.”
>
>Nessa snorted. “Ben was interested in Ben and whatever
>was most advantageous to Ben. He’s from an old-money,
>Old shouldn't it be old South family and does whatever Mother tells him to
>do. Their entire marriage, Val was their project, to
>mold her into something they could be happy with.” She
>turned the burner down under the pan, rolling the
>sausages around. “Damn, I think they’re scorching.”
lol distraction in the kitchen s not a good thing.
>
>Daniel was feeding slices of bread into the slots of
I would leave out "the slots" since it should be obvious when he is feeding them into the toaster that they go into the slots ;)
>the toaster. He had a look and suggested, “Pick the
>pan up off the burner for a moment.” The links were
>rescued and returned to the stove to cook a little
>slower this time. He couldn’t contain his curiosity.
>“So, Valerie actually stayed married to him for… how
>long?”
>
>“Eight years. It was okay to start, but he didn’t want
>her to work, she needs to stay busy, she wanted to go
>back to school, he didn’t see why she should, he
>thought he should be able to go and do whatever he
>wanted whenever he wanted and she was expected to be
>wherever he thought she should be at any given moment
>and blah, blah, blah…” Nessa made a face then grinned
>at him. “In case you hadn’t noticed after all this
>time, our family is a little rough around the edges.”
>
>“If you mean honest, yes, I’ve seen that.”
Oh, that is great, you wait for denial or something like that and daniel turns it into a positiv thing. Love it!
>
>“Blunt, opinionated…”
>
>“Cranky, mean-spirited…” Valerie stood in the hall
>doorway, rubbing her wet hair with a towel. Nessa
>turned to her with a grin.
>
>“Evil incarnate…”
>
>“I resemble that remark,” Valerie countered without
>malice, stretching. She sniffed and smiled, closing
>her eyes in bliss. “I can smell that, when you weren't able to smell for a while, the first smell ist always welcome no matter what it is, since it means you're getting better ;)
and it smells
>wonderful.” She came further into the kitchen and
>Daniel pulled a chair out from the breakfast bar for
>her. “Why thank you, sugar.” Her accent was heavy on
>the moonlight and magnolias again and Nessa snickered.
>Valerie turned to her with a darker expression.
teasing?
>
>“Why do you feel the need to yammer about my failure
>as a societal pillar and human being in general?”
>Without waiting for an answer, she turned to Daniel.
>“Please excuse my sister’s boring stories.” Valerie’s
>expression grew tragic. “She can’t help herself, the
>lying is pathological. The doctors don’t know why she
>does it. They think maybe it stems from her being
>abducted by aliens as a child…”
>
>“Val, shut up.”
>
>“Sweetie, the sooner you admit to yourself you have a
>problem, the sooner we can face it and get you help.”
>Nessa turned on her sister with a spatula, a mixture
>of annoyance and amusement on her face. Valerie was
>actually wringing her hands like a silent movie
>heroine tied up on the railroad tracks.
Doesn't remind me of my sister and me but of the DH and me :D
>
>“Now girls,” Daniel warned with mock-sternness, “you
>two behave or I shall have to take steps.”
>
>“She started it.” Nessa’s voice was childish as she
>swatted Valerie with the handle of the spatula before
>turning back to the pan.
>
>Valerie’s wail was belied by the big grin on her face.
>“Ahhh… she hit me… make her stop!”
>
>Nessa turned and wiggled her index finger near
>Valerie’s face, her voice sing-song. “I’m not touching
>you, I’m not touching you.” Then she stuck her tongue
>out at Valerie. “Now who’s a liar? Nyah!”
>
>Daniel couldn’t hold it in any longer. Their banter
>had him smiling; their regression into childhood made
>him laugh.
>
>There was a knock at the door and Taser began wagging
>and barking.
>
>“Come in!” the sisters chorused over the noise.
Jup, Familie! Captured at its best.
>
>Alan peered around the door, Kelly by his side and Kim
>in a baby carrier in his hands. Valerie held up her
>hands to ward him off.
>
>“Alan! I’ve been sick as a dog—“
>
>“Good thing I’m here then—“
>
>“The baby, Father of the Year. You want her to get
>sick, too?”
>
>Alan set Kim on the floor by the dining table, nudging
>it to rock with his toe. Taser licked her face from
>chin to brows then turned to prance toward Kelly, who
>held a balding tennis ball. The baby wrinkled her face
>and laughed.
I love that you didn't make the parents to overprotectiv about the kids, I can't stand how kids are wraped up nowadays. They won't break when in contact with dirt!
>
>“It’s all part of building a healthy immune system.
Do you know my mom? Could have been her saying that.
>Breakfast ready?” He went to Nessa at the stove,
>patting her rump like a prize steer and planting a
>sound kiss on her lips.
>
>Nessa popped him in the belly with the back of her
>free hand even as she accepted his kiss. “Who said you
>were invited?”
>
>Valerie glanced at Daniel, shrugging at the chaos
>milling around them. He met her gaze and smiled.
I really like that scene, you have a gift of turning the usual into somethin fun to read and giving a lot of insight without it beeing boring.
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Thanks Lady M! *see, got it right this time!* -- Debi, 13:47:05 10/12/09 Mon
He took some from her and they made it
>>to the counter in the kitchen.
>made it there before what? Before the bags fall
>apart, the content spilled....
Gotcha, need to emphasize the full, awkward bags thing.
>>
>How close are they at this point? just wondering
>when exactly in the story this scene is set.
This is pretty early in their relationship, just after he rescued her from her dead car on the highway and they had a meal in a local restaurant where he expressed interest and she deflected him slightly, stating the need more for a friend than anything.
>>
>I can totally relate to the never outgrown part,
>also stress doesnt make them worse for me, I sleep
>like a stone whem I'm under stress.;)
That's interesting that you sleep better when stressed. All the info I've found states the opposite usually, but mine aren't always related to stress wither and I haven't had them in years and years.
>>
>>“Like a fever.”
>>
>>“Or a bad marriage.” Nessa smiled, throwing a quick
>>glance over her shoulder toward the hallway, making
>>sure Valerie wasn’t eavesdropping. “She’d call me
>>about once a week, usually a wreck because she wasn’t
>>getting any sleep.”
>This part is good, it showes just how bad her
>marriage was for her.
>>
“Damn, I think they’re scorching.”
>lol distraction in the kitchen s not a good
>thing.
And I am the Queen of Forgetting Things On The Stove.
>>
>>“If you mean honest, yes, I’ve seen that.”
>Oh, that is great, you wait for denial or something
>like that and daniel turns it into a positiv thing.
>Love it!
Thanks!
>>
>>“Blunt, opinionated…”
>>
She sniffed and smiled, closing
>>her eyes in bliss. “I can smell that, when you
>weren't able to smell for a while, the first smell ist
>always welcome no matter what it is, since it means
>you're getting better ;)
Oh, I know! Anything smells fantastic when your head opens back up again.
Nessa snickered.
>>Valerie turned to her with a darker expression.
>teasing?
Oh yes, though she does look threatening.
>>
>Doesn't remind me of my sister and me but of the DH
>and me :D
;-)
>>
>>“Come in!” the sisters chorused over the noise.
>Jup, Familie! Captured at its best.
>>
>I love that you didn't make the parents to
>overprotectiv about the kids, I can't stand how kids
>are wraped up nowadays. They won't break when in
>contact with dirt!
This couple is so modeled after friends of mine. Four daughters, all close in age, all growing up in and around a vet clinic. The girls were just as happy and healthy as they could be, without excessive paranoia and the parent's behalf.
>>
>>“It’s all part of building a healthy immune system.
>Do you know my mom? Could have been her saying
>that.
We say it all the time at work.;-) It's true!
>I really like that scene, you have a gift of
>turning the usual into somethin fun to read and giving
>a lot of insight without it beeing boring.
Thank you very much. If I can make something ordinary still be interesting, then I'm happy.
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Stress and Nightmare -- Lady Morilka, 14:40:10 10/12/09 Mon
That's interesting that you sleep better when stressed. All the info I've found states the opposite usually, but mine aren't always related to stress wither and I haven't had them in years and years.
When my body ist under stress I sleep like a stone cos he notices he needs every strenght it can find. And when I'm not physically exaused but still stressed I sleep very light and wake up before the dreams get really bad.
And because I've had nightmares since childhood I taught myself to wake myself up, I'm terrified none the less, but it's better than waiting unable to do something.
The worst nightmares I get out of the blue when I sleep quite sound, thats why they are so disturbing.
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I see. -- Debi, 18:47:41 10/12/09 Mon
>When my body ist under stress I sleep like a stone cos
>he notices he needs every strenght it can find. And
>when I'm not physically exaused but still stressed I
>sleep very light and wake up before the dreams get
>really bad.
Yes. I'm a very light sleeper and unless I really wear myself out physically, I don't sleep sound. Aside from the significant amonut of weight I need to lose, I need to exercise more just to make myself tired enough to really rest well.
>And because I've had nightmares since childhood I
>taught myself to wake myself up, I'm terrified none
>the less, but it's better than waiting unable to do
>something.
I can do this sometimes. I've gotten better at it over the years, but the nightmares are few and far between. Lately the worst I've had are just really disturbing images, usually relating to animals, since I work with them all day.
>The worst nightmares I get out of the blue when I
>sleep quite sound, thats why they are so disturbing.
I can imagine. Thank you for sharing your experinces. It makes me feel better about incorporating Valerie's sleep disturbances into the story.
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