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Date Posted: 23:53:20 10/19/09 Mon
Author: Page
Subject: Way to go, Lady M! *G* >>>>
In reply to: Lady Morilka 's message, "Wohoo, I reached the top of the board!!! Inside for crit>>>" on 15:14:06 10/14/09 Wed

>>Excerpt from Carey On
>>©2009 by Juli Morgan
>>Posted for purposes of critique only, and does not
>>constitute publication
>>
>>“Do you have some sort of aversion to comfortable
>>seating?”
>>
>>“What do you mean?” Adam looked around the front
>>parlor of the farmhouse, appearing honestly confused.
>>“There are plenty of places to sit.”
>>
>>“I said comfortable.” Jay shifted on the cracked
>>leather of the sofa. A bare board would have had more
>>give than the flat cushions, to say nothing of the way
>>the sofa back dug into the knobs of his spine. A
>>sudden thought made him laugh. “Do you remember that
>>wooden settee I used to have?”
>>
>>Adam frowned for a moment before comprehension dawned.
>> “Yeah, I do. Whatever happened to that thing?”
>>
>>“Katie kept moving it all over the house, trying to
>>hide it, I think. She finally got me to agree to
>>donate it to charity.”
>>
>>“Well, it was pretty uncomfortable to sit on.”
>>Adam looked chagrined. “Is mine really that bad?”
>>
>>“Maybe not as bad as all
>All?
>that,” Jay conceded. “But
>>you could probably use some new stuffing.”
>>
I've found that's a thoroughly British way of speaking, to say "not as bad as all that." *G*

>>“I’ll consider it.” Adam’s lips twisted with
>>amusement.
>This sentence here is hard to read becaus of the
>sudden jump, maybe if you fit in the word "suddenly"
>or something like that to get the feel it is on to a
>different subject.

I agree. I'll have to work on that, to make it clear Adam has noticed something the reader hasn't yet.


>“Why don’t you just go over and get it?”
>>he asked, nodding toward the corner.
>>
>>Jay hadn’t been aware that Adam had noticed his
>>frequent glances toward the guitar propped against the
>>wall. He sighed. “I haven’t touched one in quite
>>some time.”
>>
>>“Mm.” Adam lit a cigarette, and held up the pack.
>>“Want one?”
>>
>>“Yeah, please.” Jay caught the cigarettes Adam tossed
>>to him, but the lighter bounced off his fingers, and
>>hit the floor, skittering along the floorboards. With
>>a sigh, Jay got up to retrieve it from under a small
>>bookcase.
>>
>>“It’s out of tune.” Adam nodded toward the guitar
>>again. “But I assume you remember how to fix that.”
>>
>>“Don’t be too sure,” Jay muttered, but since he was
>>up, he decided to get the instrument. He returned to
>>the sofa, and sat down. “Ouch, dammit!”
>>
>>“What?”
>>
>>“I think I broke my ass on your hard sofa, that’s
>>what.”
>>
>>Adam laughed while Jay lit a cigarette, brushing away
>>dust from the guitar’s surface. He left the cigarette
>>in his mouth, squinting his eye against the rising
>>smoke, and ran his fingers across the strings. His
>>other eye squinted in a wince at the sound, and his
>>hand went immediately to the tuning pegs. “How old
>>are these strings, anyway?”
>Gotaa love automatisms! I love that his moves are
>still so automated that he does this without thinking.
>Maybe otherwise he wouldn't do it at all.

Yes, it's second nature to him, even though he's not touched a guitar in quite a long time.

>>
>>“Not very.” Adam poked at the logs in the fireplace,
>>and the flames rose a bit higher. “I bought it just
>>before I went to the States.”
>>
>>Jay took a drag from the cigarette before placing it
>>in an ashtray. “Why?”
>>
>>Adam shrugged. “I dunno. I do know a few chords, you
>>know. And without you around, I’ve found I need to
>>write the music to go with my lyrics more times than
>>not.”
>>
>>“Didn’t think about that.”
>Ouch, that must be stinging. When you already have
>a bad conciense and find out more things that hurt
>people close to you.

And Jay's going to be encountering a lot more of those "ouch" moments as he tries to rebuild his life.


>Jay bent his head to the
>>guitar, and began tightening the strings, listening
>>for the right pitch. He was amazed and gratified that
>>he still knew what he was doing. Once the guitar was
>>tuned to his satisfaction, he played a few chords to
>>get the feel of the instrument. The fingers of his
>>left hand cried out in protest, and he muttered curses
>>under his breath at the realization that the calluses
>>on the pads of his fingers were gone. He tightened
>>his lips, and kept playing, determined to build them
>>up again.
>>
>>“Smoke on the Water?” Adam snorted with
>>laughter, and started singing. “Slooowww motion
>>Walter….The fire engine guy.”
>>
>>The music ended in a discordant jangle as Jay doubled
>>over with laughter. He looked up at Adam, shaking his
>>left hand – evidently his muscles had joined the
>>calluses on vacation – and grinned. “Is That
>a sample of
>>the lyrics you’re writing?”
>>
>>“I can’t take credit for that one. Heard it from Zach
>>Harris.”
>>
>>“Zach? How is he?” Jay set the guitar aside, and
>>picked up his cigarette. With a sudden rush of
>>pleasure, he realized he felt better than he’d felt
>>in…well, years. Coming to see Adam was the best idea
>>he’d had.
>>
>>“Zach’s great. I caught Whistlepig’s show in
>>Nashville last month. He’s still rocking.”
>>
>>Jay frowned, confused. “Wait a minute. I thought you
>>said Whistlepig broke up.”
>>
>>“Hm-mm.” The end of Adam’s cigarette glowed red as he
>>took a drag. He blew out smoke before continuing.
>>“No, Katie left, but the rest of them are still
>>together. Angela’s singing lead now.”
>>
>>“Oh.” Jay couldn’t help but feel irritated, as if
>>they were betraying Katie somehow. “I just thought…”
>>
>>“Well, they weren’t ever like us, you know?” Adam
>>eyed Jay closely. “The five of us were the
>>band. Once you left, we weren’t Shadowed Knight
>>anymore.”
>>
>>“I couldn’t contribute anymore,” Jay answered Adam’s
>>unvoiced question. “I’m sure you could see that when
>>we recorded The Twentieth Question. I didn’t
>>see any sense in dragging the rest of you down with
>>me, so…” He trailed off, and shrugged.
>Is that episode in the book before? So the reader
>might get that feeling that something was wrong
>already than?

Yes, it's covered earlier in the book. So it won't just pop out of nowhere like it did here.

>>
>>Adam nodded. “Yeah, well, we went out on top, didn’t
>>we? And I have to admit, it’s been good for me.”
>>
>>“Yeah?”
>>
>>“Yeah. I found out that I could go it on my own, you
>>know?” Adam looked into the fire, his expression
>>thoughtful. “I didn’t realize how much I’d depended
>>on you before you left. When it was just me, I
>>discovered that, hey! I did know what I was doing,
>>and if I do say so myself, I’m doing it pretty well.
>>My first solo album went gold, and my tour sold out.”
>>He looked back at Jay with a smile. “And Nicky’s
>>doing well, too. He’s got a band with Stuart called
>>Major Trouble. I think they’ll do well.”
>It almost sounds like talk of good old times, like
>it.

Thank you!

>>
>>“And George?”
>>
>>Adam shook his head, and pitched his cigarette butt
>>into the fire. “I’ve not heard from him. But, to be
>>honest, I think George was relieved when it was over.
>>I think it was getting too intense for him there
>>toward the end.”
>>
>>“I think you’re right.” Jay nodded in agreement. “He
>>never wanted to be a rock star, he just wanted to play
>>music.”
>>
>>“Yeah. He was fine with going home to Carol, and just
>>enjoying the bread he’d saved. Oh, by the way.” Adam
>>turned to him with a grin. “Nicky and Maureen patched
>>things up.”
>>
>>“Yeah?” Jay felt a pleased smile curve his lips.
>>“I’m glad. I hated it when they split up.”
>>
>>“Me, too.” Adam lit another cigarette. “And Stuart
>>finally married Amy. So that leaves me the odd one
>>out, the only single Knight.”
>>
>>“Huh.” Jay picked up the guitar, and idly plucked the
>>strings. “Once Katie finishes handing me my head on a
>>plate, I’ll probably be joining you.”
>>
>>Adam chuckled. “Don’t count on it. She’ll rip you a
>>new one, but she’ll keep you.”
>>
>>“You seem pretty sure.” Jay kept his eyes on the
>>guitar. “I don’t know how she can possibly forgive
>>what I did, walking out on her without a word.”
>This sounds pretty matter of fact, is that on
>purpose? With this "new" Jay, I was expecting a bit
>more feeling, maybe remorse or ... something more than
>downcast eyes.

Well, he's not really a new Jay. It's more like he's coming back to himself. Jay was always a very controlled individual (before the drugs), and a very controlling individual. He doesn't like to admit to failings, even when he knows he's wrong. For him to admit this to Adam is pretty big stuff for him. And, too, he's a testosterone-riddled male *G* so he's not going to get too mushy.

>>
>>Adam leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “For
>>one thing, she loves you. She told me she does, and I
>>can’t see why she’d lie about it. And for another,
>>she’s not unreasonable. Sure, you did her a dirty
>>turn, but once you tell her why you did it…”
>>
>>Jay sighed. He’d known the subject would come up, and
>>had thought himself prepared to deal with it. But now
>>that the time to discuss it was here, he discovered
>>all his careful words of explanation had faded like so
>>much vapor. If he couldn’t explain to Adam, then what
>>the hell was he going to tell Katie? He sighed again,
>>frustrated. “I don’t know why I did it. I’m sure I
>>had a million good reasons, but I’m damned if I
>>remember what they were.” His hands stroked the
>>guitar, and he found a measure of peace in the
>>familiar feel of the strings and wood. He picked out
>>a subdued version of the intro to Imperial Jade
>>without thinking. “I told her once that I was afraid
>>I’d get to a place where nothing was ever enough, and
>>I think I finally got there. Then I was afraid that
>>maybe I’d look around one day and think that Katie
>>wasn’t enough, and…” He shook his head. “I never
>>wanted to do that to her, never wanted her to feel
>>like she was lacking in some way. Of course, now that
>>I’m not junked up, I know that was absurd.” He
>>frowned a little as he played the complicated bridge
>>to the song. “There’s no way she could ever not be
>>enough.” He stopped playing, and smiled as he thought
>>of Katie. “I could never get enough of her.”
>Is that really all? Or is there more to be revealed
>later? inquiring minds want to know.

You're good, Morilka! There definitely is more to it than that! *G*

>>
>>Adam had been watching Jay closely as he spoke, and
>>now leaned back in his chair, appearing pleased with
>>what he saw on Jay’s face. He crossed his feet at the
>>ankles, and grinned. “So get on a plane, get your ass
>>to California, and take your medicine like a good
>boy.”
>>
>>Jay looked up, surprised to find Adam in the room.
>>He’d been so absorbed by what he was saying, he’d
>>forgotten where he was. Returning Adam’s grin, he
>>finished the last few notes of Imperial Jade.
>>“Alright. I will.”
>
>
>A nice scene, it is much calmer than I envisioned,
>but I thing that ist just so much for the better. Now
>I'm waiting for the encouter with Katie, she can quite
>speak her mind with Jay at times ;)

And she certainly speaks her mind to him when he shows up at her door! *G* I'd posted it a long time ago, but it's been reworked a bit. Once I get it tweaked to my satisfaction, I'll post it again for you.

Thanks for the crit!!

Hugs,
Page


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[> [> [> [> Re: Way to go, Lady M! *G* >>>> -- Lady Morilka, 04:59:40 10/20/09 Tue

I did the crits on your other texts too. Not sure you saw it way dowen, but it has not yet scrolled out into the arcives ;)

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