| Subject: Traumatic Amnesia 140 |
Author:
Nikita507
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Date Posted: Monday, June 15, 06:54:05pm
In reply to:
Nikita507
's message, "Traumatic Amnesia 135+" on Saturday, June 13, 05:03:29pm
Trying to take a deep breath was what she needed to do, but Nikita dropped her head down as she sat on the toilet, clutching her knee with one hand and her other hand rubbing the back of her neck. This was the second night that Nikita had escaped from the bed that she shared with Michael and made her way to the bathroom to try to stop her mind and to stop the thoughts.
Last night was much easier. She got into the coolness of the bathroom and was able to breath. But tonight, she felt her knee twist and it began to hurt. Nikita sat down and tried to close her eyes and calm down, but the images of that man coming down towards her was there right in the darkness.
Michael had been distant since she had the episode on the porch. He was there for her and supporting her, but Nikita could feel that he was holding back on her, as if he was unsure of her now. Nikita wasn’t the strong woman that he knew when they met.
If anything, Nikita was finding it more and more impossible to be strong as she started to question what was going on now with her life, but wondering what was next for her. Outside of Michael, Nikita didn’t want to help anyone else with their problems. That was what she was trained to do and now she was turning her back on that career. That left her with questions of what she was going to do with the rest of her life and Nikita had no answers.
Giving in, Nikita started to sob in the bathroom. She had been weak enough and Nikita hated herself for not being able to pull it together. Nikita was sure that she didn’t know who she was any more and that wasn’t fair to Michael.
Adrian had warned her that this could happen. Nikita anticipated it at Thanksgiving, but it was lingering and Nikita hated that. She just wanted it to end. It wasn’t fair that this was happening to her life now. There were so many uncertain things in her life that this was just brutal. Adrian also told Nikita to not try to be alone during these periods that she needed to seek out help and support when things got so strong that it threatened to take over all of her thoughts.
“Michael…” Nikita barely cried out and there was no way that Michael would hear her from inside the bathroom. Her shoulder rolled forward as she clutched at her knee still, the pain throbbing. “Michael….”
The second time was louder and Nikita took a moment, trying again to pull in a breath of air. It was hard to even call out for Michael when the world was spinning and threatening to go dark. But if it went dark, Nikita could find herself in front of that man again.
In ways, it did not feel like she was remembering something. There was something that was twisted about what she was seeing that dream. It had to be rooted into some sort of truth, but it still did not feel that it was all right. There had to be something wrong.
After pausing and composing herself enough, Nikita lifted her head, pushing against the throbbing headache. She groaned with the effort as the muscles of her neck and back were so tight from the stress that she was in right now. “Michael… Michael!”
There was noise outside in the bedroom Nikita dropped her head. It was clear that Michael had heard her and was now out of the bed, trying to shake the sleep out of his head to deal with what was going on. It was so unfair to Michael and Nikita wished that she could find a way to calm down like she had the previous night.
“Kita?” Michael pushed the door open that she had left ajar and he was right there, in front of her, knowing that something bad was going on. Nikita took her hand that was not supporting her knee and grabbed Michael’s hand that he had almost placed on her. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry….”
“What’s wrong?” Michael questioned as Nikita tried to use just Michael’s touch to calm her mind down. Nikita looked up with her eyes as she was in pain. “Bad dream… or bad memory… something…”
“Just take a deep breath, Nikita… I’m right here and nothing is going to happen to you,” Michael slowly spoke as he tried to stay calm although Nikita knew that he was scared. She hated that she was doing that to him and she wanted to tell him to just go back to bed.
“I hurt… my knee… or twisted…” Nikita sputtered as she knew that Michael needed to know.
“Let me get you back into the bedroom, ok?” Michael suggested as he stood up and picked Nikita easily up in his arms. She leaned her head back and groaned with the movement in her knee. Michael began to move as he didn’t let Nikita’s moans stop him from getting her out of the bathroom. On some level Nikita was wondering why Michael was being so nice when it was clear that she had tried to get away from the bedroom when she woke with the imagines in her mind.
Michael eased Nikita down on the bed and stroked Nikita’s back before pulling an extra pillow out from underneath the bed and placed it underneath Nikita’s knee. “You are going to be fine, Kita…”
Nikita was already starting to calm down and she wasn’t sure if it was just because Michael was there. She looked at his green eyes as he continued to sit right there, being a rock for her to reach out and touch.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Michael questioned after some amount of time had passed. Nikita shook her head from side to side and Michael was frustrated. He wanted to know and Nikita just wanted to vanish from his sight. She did not want Michael to have to know everything. “It was just a dream…”
“Ok,” Michael nodded his head as he shifted and looked at her knee. “I should get some ice for that…”
Michael was about to move but Nikita reached out and stopped him with her hand slapping against his wrist. With a tug, Nikita made it clear that she did not want him to leave. “Too soon…”
“It’s swelling…”
“Then let it,” Nikita trembled as she stopped and took another deep breath as she could feel herself almost leaping back to the state of panic that she had been in the bathroom. Nikita could not allow herself to go back to that. “I just need you… to be there… don’t leave.”
Michael settled and nodded his head up and down. He was not going to go against Nikita’s wishes. He wanted to know more of what was going on, but he stayed quiet. If Nikita wanted to tell him, she would tell him.
Neither noticed the distance that was growing between them.
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