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Date Posted: 07:38:42 01/13/08 Sun
Author: Comicality
Subject: The 'sugarcoated' truth....
In reply to: Manaal 's message, "Am I the only one who saw . . ." on 15:45:39 01/10/08 Thu


...There were things that were wrong at the time when I wrote that message. A LOT was wrong, and everything about my life hurt every single day. Don't worry, I won't go into the horrid details of it all. Let's just say that it was partially my past, partially my present, and an absence of a future.

Basically, I gave my heart to someone that I loved very much. I admit that I don't do that often. Love scares the shit out of me, makes me vulnerable as hell and I become a complete idiot, but for 'him'....I was willing to be vulnerable enough to try. For the very few people that knew about it while it was happening....they knew that I thought about him, dreamed about him, sighed over him, and just made him my whole world. Daily, hourly, every minute, every second. It was the last time that I can really say that I was truly in love. And it was online, through the Shack. It truly made me feel amazing, and
to this day, I still miss everything about him. He truly was a beautiful human being.

Well....needless to say...fate took control. It always does. And I wasn't good enough to keep him happy. Even though I fought the urge to say anything, even when he said it first, even when I worked myself until I was raw and tired inside....I just wasn't enough. He decided that he wanted better. I wasn't 'there' enough, I wasn't 'loving' enough, I broke promises, I lacked communication, all of that. I fucked up, and I didn't have a way to fix it. The site took up too much of my life, and I lost something really special to me, trying to keep it running and work and live life and have fun with friends and family and just....just be 'me'. 'Me' was never enough before, why would it be enough then? I allowed people that I thought I could trust and strangers who could offer instant online 'sex' and daily conversation step in and take my place. They moved right in and captured a part of him that I couldn't. My heart and my true feelings just don't count for SHIT when there are fucking people out there who can love him HALF as much but be there TWICE as often. I have a duty to a higher purpose with this damn place....and I guess it's not fair to put someone else through that. It's not fair to try to make them understand how much it means to me when they're hurting. Certainly not him. Sometimes, when someone says they love you back, it's not what you're thinking it will be. We had good times, a year's worth, actually, but it wasn't meant to be. He was too beautiful for me anyway. And I hope he's happy, wherever he is now. With whoever he's with now.

(He doesn't talk to me anymore. Nobody that knows him will talk to me about him anymore either. I guess I should have expected that. Since the site began, I've been in love a few times, and NONE of them talk to me or even remember me as far as I know. If you read the section, that was my only request....that SOMEBODY...ANYBODY just remember me. Just think about me once in a while and remember that, at one time, you actually gave a shit about the faceless man behind the words you read and enjoyed so much.)

Like I said, I won't go into too many intimate details...but if you read the text of the link posted above...you'll see what I was trying to say. And I can honestly tell you that I had no intention of coming back. Or leaving any clues as to what happened once the timer had reached zero. I didn't want to damage or ruin everything that I had worked so hard to put here on the site over the years. I just wanted to go, and make way for someone else to deal with the things I had seen while online. In our last chat, I cried the whole time. Sobbed until my face hurt. It really hurt to say goodbye that night. After a few other online heartbreaks, some just as devastating if not more so....after losing friends, making enemies out of nowhere, being called names and having good friends turn their backs on me, being threatened and teased and ridiculed, after having my privacy invaded time and time again by people who couldn't leave me alone, after being hunted and tracked down all over the net, and being betrayed by people that I thought I could really trust for the rest of my life....I just couldn't take anymore. And I broke down.

I made the decision to leave, told a few choice people first (mostly people involved with keeping the site online when I was gone), and then made the public announcement.

Does any of it hurt any less? No. God, no. Just writing his hurts like you wouldn't believe. But I feel that I've dodged the question for long enough. So here it is. Despite my 'smiley faces' over the years, let me tell you that this site looks NOTHING to me like it does to you. Behind the scenes....there is more pain than you can imagine. All day, every day, all the time. I have lost more friends than most people make in a lifetime because of this site. I have shed more tears over this place than any other period of my life. And my keyboard is literally in SHAMBLES from the amount of typing that I've done on it (stories, emails, messageboards, posts, chats, etc). Right now, it's 7:30 AM, and I've been online since 2. But...most of you will never see that dedication, because it won't affect you directly...but it's there. AND long after you've gone to bed, I'm here, banging away on these keys, and trying to make it work. The amount of time, effort, and energy, that it takes to even keep up my lackluster, half ass, unpredictable schedule here is more than you could ever imagine. Hehehe, trust me! And that's impossible to do when you are SOOOO heartbroken over someone that you didn't deserve in the first place. I am never going to find someone like that ever again, and I've come to terms with that over the last few years. I'm not good enough, even though I tried my best, and that.....sucks. But whatever. Better he be happy with someone who can be what he needs them to be than for him to 'settle' with someone who has made some stupid online website the major priority of his life. He's better off with someone else. And believe me, it took a lot of tears for me to be able to say that.

Not just for him, but for ALL of the times my heart's been broken online. It's a game I don't plan to play anymore. I have 'survived' my last broken heart....

...I hope you all know what I mean when I say....'survived'. Because it was accidental, I assure you. More fear than determination this time around. That's all.

Anyway, that's what happened with the site. I had a countdown for a year, hoping that I would have the ability to finish off all of my stories in that time and lay the site to rest. I wanted someone to love, someone to trust, and someone who would finally tell me that I mattered. Or that I was good enough for them to love me back, despite any lustful competition out there who could care less if we were happy or not. So there are no more promises, no more 'meetings' in real life, no more private information traded, no more phone calls, no more pictures on my tv screen. I'm done. It hurts more than I can describe to even be asked and have to say 'no'. Only in my WEAKEST moments do I even ask about the past boys and girls I've loved online anymore. Even when it hurts so much that it swallows me whole to NOT know how they're doing. Or to wonder if they even remember me as anything more than some disappointing failure that couldn't cut it with them when they really needed me to. But I do humiliate myself every now and then by trying to send them a hello....usually without answer. I can barely keep FRIENDS most of the time with this site...but I just WISH you guys could see how hard I try. I really do. It's only 'me'...and I give all that I can give, plus a little bit more.

If you doubt it...then I haven't worked hard enough to convince you. And that means I have to push harder.

But sometimes, I don't have any 'push' left. And that's when the folks I love most are left to suffer.

Anyway, that's the sugarcoated truth. And I thank God that I'm still here writing, and able to reach out to find new readers every single day. I'd be lying if I said that anything was the same as it was before.....'him'. But I will always give you my best, whether you like it or not. K? It's the only promise I have the heart to make anymore.

((Hugz))

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