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I've been through the same thing that you have. And as a victim of physical and emotional abuse, it's hard for me to say that my childhood wasn't a factor. But, outside of that...there is NOTHING wrong with me! Listen to me ok? There's nothing wrong with you either. Maybe some random guy who saw an episode of "CSI: Special Victims Unit" got the idea that every person on Earth that finds minors attractive is a rapist, but that's all social conditioning. Do you know how many guys in a college fraternity have RAPED or drugged females on campus and taken advantage of them? But, when you hear that someone is in a fraternity, do you automatically assume they're rapists??? Of COURSE not! Being in a fraternity doesn't make you a rapist. And being attracted to minors doesn't make you a rapist either. But...what you've been told to believe doesn't fit that narrative. So...sorry we get lumped into a category that we don't belong in.
Studies have shown that human sexuality doesn't 'disappear'. It EXPANDS. Meaning...when you were developing you very first loving and sexually excited crushes...you were probably 14 or 15 years old. Maybe even younger. Were you a disgusting piece of shit for finding other boys your age attractive? Of course not. You liked them for who what they looked like and who they are. For some people, they grow up and ignore that attraction, to the point where it doesn't affect them anymore. That's cool. But other's still find those same boys attractive, and for the same reasons they did when they were teens themselves. That's all it is. It's not a mental disorder. It's being honest about something that most people have deemed an unpopular idea. What's so wrong about that?
Don't get me wrong! I'm NOT saying that anyone should break the law! Attraction aside, the desire to be intimate with a teen lover isn't worth the consequences that you may have to face in the long run. But as far as punishing yourself for feeling this way? I mean...why? It's who you are. Embrace that. Get comfortable with it. Why not?
I struggled with these same feelings at first. But you know what? I stopped trying to dissect the ideology and trying to figure out what caused this. Who cares? Why am I attracted to teen boys? Who knows? Why do I like butter pecan ice cream? Why do I like some of the shirts in my closet over others? Why do I like certain movies, or songs, or books, over others? I don't know, but does it matter? I don't spend time trying to psychologically figure out why I prefer Burger King to McDonald's. Nobody else does either. So why are we forced to think of our attractions as some sort of weird disorder that can be traced back to some sort of trauma or problem in the way our brains are wired?
Who told you that it was so wrong to be attracted to someone under the age of 18? (Or 16, if you're overseas. Or 13 if you're in Hawaii. Or 12, as that was the Vatican's age of consent up until a few years ago) Who spoke up and made you hate yourself for it? Was it your teachers? Because many many teachers have been caught with teenage lovers. Was it your politicians and legislators? Because they've been caught with teen lovers as well. MANY times! Was it Hollywood, with their movies and TV shows? Because there are whole documentaries on how they've been exploiting and molesting children from day one. Was it your church or religious leaders? I mean...do I even need to go there?
Bottom line, we're not the first group of people to be attracted to the beauty of youth. Won't be the last. Hell, in Ancient Greece, not only was it accepted for an older an to take on a young lover, but it was considered your civil DUTY to so. The boy was able to choose his partner, and it was considered a rite of passage to be brought to manhood by an older man that the boy loved and trusted. Entire cultures have been built on this idea. In India. In Asia. In Italy.
A few years ago, the whole world went crazy over a 15 year old Justin Bieber. Were they all mentally ill? Were they suffering from some sort of incurable disorder? Or was he just beautiful? It's ok to notice that someone is beautiful. What is wrong with that? You're not hurting anybody, so why spend every moment of joy punishing yourself for it?
There will always be people who don't understand. And there will always be frightened little cowards who will try to bully and badger you for it, because it's easier to shout at you than it is to deal with their own issues. But that doesn't change the reality of the situation. Be PROUD to call a gorgeous boy gorgeous when you see it! What the fuck are you holding back for? For who? I built this place so I could be honest about my attractions and share it with people who were either young enough to understand, were like minded, or at least tolerant enough of the idea to not throw a tantrum every time they saw me express it.
My one saving grace has been to stop trying to deconstruct my attractions and find reasons for the way I am. That, in itself, is an admission that there's something 'wrong' with me. And there ISN'T! Other people don't have to burden themselves with this kind of introspection. They don't have to analyze themselves to the point of looking for the fork in the road where 'everything went to shit'. They are who they are, and that's good enough. Why can't I have the same peace of mind, when I've never done anything to hurt anybody?
Don't let some random stereotype make you feel sick or wrong about who you are. Ok? Not ever.
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