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In the beginning...being gay was NOT an option for me! Like...at all. Not just 'coming out' as gay, but not even BEING gay! My father was extremely, physically, abusive. Already, he used to call me a 'sissy' and a 'pretty boy' etc. When I wanted to be an actor, and got my first agent (was a modeling agent), I got HELL from him! If he knew I was even thinking about boys, I thought he might murder me. Honestly.
I was an 80's kid. During that time, people would say things like 'fag' or 'faggot' or, hehehe, I remember 'gaylord' was a big insult back then. But it was confusing to me, because (especially when MTV came along) everybody was wearing make-up and long hair and tight leather pants...hehehe WTF? But I liked boys just fine until other people told me it was disgusting and wrong. So, even though I was lucky enough to have a few 'experiments' when I was young...and some sleepovers...and then there was the boy scouts...well, let's not get into all of that! LOL! Let's just say that I had my fair share of fun, even when I was pressured to never ever talk about it.
Jump forward to college, and maybe a year or two before starting the Shack Out Back! I finally started taking my life back and realizing that, hey...I want more out of my life! I got online for the first time with a WebTV device! Hehehe, that changed 'everything' for me. I was reborn at that moment. No more sneaking peeks in the showers, no more buying magazines or videos in the middle of the night, no more hiding it all. It was a huge revolution in me discovering who I was. And the Shack, talking to YOU guys in emails and on the board and writing my thoughts out in the stories? Yeah...that was the milestone that made me who I am today. I'm sure of it.
I met some really good friends in those first few years. In real life. And I had fun, but something had changed. I don't blame them at all for what I was feeling...but I did experience some pressure to come out of the closet at the time. Online and offline. I remember being terrified of the idea, but being urged on by others who didn't think it would be any big deal. To me...it was a big deal. A HUGE deal! But I was ashamed to admit that to the folks who, essentially, were just trying to help me.
I did manage to come out to my best friend at the time. Took a few tries and a LOT of tears on my end...but I did it. I don't regret it. But I did it under immense pressure. So I can't tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I forced myself into it, and I can't tell you whether I was ready for it or not. Live and learn, I suppose. (Don't worry! It went well, and he's still one of the best friends that I've ever had!)
Then...some years ago...I met 'the one'.
Hahaha! Awww, let me tell you guys something...nothing can break you down emotionally like meeting 'the one' can! It'll happen. Trust me. ::Blush:: Oh God...we were SO in love! We couldn't go 6 hours without smothering each other with love and giggles. Every day was a holiday. It was bigger and better than anything that I could ever write into a story. We were (and still are) a special kind of bonding that a lot of people will never experience and understand. I take pride in that. :)
But I do remember having minor panic attacks over it. Because I wasn't willing to ever let him go. And that meant coming out. That meant telling my friends, and my family, and the world. It meant getting an apartment together and going out to dinner and a movie. It meant holding hands in the park and kissing in the mall. He means the WORLD to me. And that meant that all of my tension and fear about coming out was going to have to disappear. I wanted HIM! Nothing less would do.
So, hehehe, I used to get short of breath at work and worry myself every night on how I was going to take my entire life and rebuild it to accept him as a part of it all. But that's what true love is all about, right?
Anyway...yeah, I've been pressured to stay IN the closet, and pressured to come OUT of the closet...but it happens. I'm sure we all have personal feelings about the issue. It's a natural part of growing up for me. I just hope that I made the right choices along the way.
Hey, I'm smiling right now. So I must have done something right. Hehehe!
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