Date Posted:20:20:02 10/12/17 Thu Author: Johnny Subject: Said this before people misinterpret shyness In reply to:
's message, "Imagine Magazine Question..." on 15:23:31 10/12/17 Thu
There’s shyness, bashfulness, lack of confidence etc. Bashfulness and lack of confidence is usually a temporary young teen scene which usually goes a way as they age. Shyness if you don’t control it can became like a disease it often leads to mega depression and sometimes death it’s more permanent.
I’ve spoke about my friend Michael quite a few times here the last time when I posted Don Mcleans Vincent, it was Michaels Birthday. This is what shyness can lead to gonna tell this once more. He came to our school when he was 15 and I noticed how he was always on his own. He was a good looking kid nothing to have a lack of confidence about and after a week of feeling sorry for him I approached just like ‘HI how’s things’ nothing heavy. He almost sort of trembled and sweat started running down his forehead sort of like his head was leaking. He said Hi back, gave a smile that wasn’t real and said he had to go which he did. Fast forward and after a week we did speak more and he became more relaxed and at ease with me. Thing was friends came and talked with me at the same time and he went back into his shell and sort of vanished with apologies. I talked with my friends and told them this kid needs help and they got behind me. I asked him one time if he wanted to go to McDonalds with me after school and surprise he said yes so that’s what we did. There was no heavy talk just stupid stuff and I noticed him smiling more even laughing at times. So we got close and fast forward another week I decided to ask another friend to hang out at my house with him. That happened and it went well then we added another friend it looked like we were winning. I got to know his parents who were obviously well aware of his shyness and depressions and they told me he was getting counselling which Michael said nothing about to me. You gotta realise a lot of things were said from that 1st McD hangout but not that.
So yeh we became very close friends nothing else he wasn’t gay really he wasn’t anything sexual it was impossible for him to be mentally. With our introductions we did manage to get him into a small circle of friends and yes he seemed much better.
Fast forward again to 14th December 2012 I was at a works Xmas party and Michael text me. I went outside so I could talk with him on my phone and he didn’t sound good. I told him I would drop the party and come to his place, his parents were away for the night. He said no not necessary you enjoy yourself so I asked him if he wanted me to come around after the party he said no he’ll be fine. I told him he could phone me anytime he wanted to and ‘if you’re not feeling good you better do it.’ He didn’t. With foresight I wish I kept calling him like every hour but I didn’t. I thought he’d take his medication and nod off and be Ok the next day which was Saturday. I’d seen him in a funk so many times over the years and he got over it but that’s no excuse.
Around 5 pm that Saturday 15th December 2012 I was decorating the little Xmas tree in my bedroom and the phone rang. It was Michaels Dad. Michael was dead. I just couldn’t believe it and I cried so much it was unbelievable, total shock and guilt. He’d overdosed early Saturday morning. He couldn’t cope anymore with the depressions caused by his shyness. If only he could have been at his funeral he would have seen how many friends he had that loved him but he always felt so alone because of his depressions and all the time he wasn’t, mindgames are dangerous, shyness is dangerous.
There’s a cast iron sculpture of a leopard in front of me right now, always is, always will be. When I used to go to his house I loved it and always patted it on the head and was like ‘Hi Leo’ His Mum used to laugh at me calling him that saying it was usually a lions name. A few days after the funeral his parents came to our house and brought Leo. They said they wanted me to have it for all I did for him but to this day I still don’t think I did enough so many ‘If onlys’. I wish you realised how much we loved you Michael.
The bit that goes ‘and when no hope was left in sight’ etc. always gets me. I love you Michael. xx