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When I really sit down and think about it...I've been in love twice in my life. (With a possible third time that really warmed my heart a couple of years ago, hehehe, but that's a story I can't/won't share here. :P) But that's it. It's kind of strange to say that, considering how utterly boy crazy I was growing up, and still am to a certain extent. But love? That was a whole different feeling. I think I had to actually fall in love to know what love was.
My first time? 14 Years old, froshman year of high school. Hands down...I feel completely, madly, helplessly in love. That was with my best friend, Mike. We had never even met before that, but we had classes together, and he was super cute, and we would hang out and laugh until there were tears in our eyes and our bellies ached. We loved movies and comic books, and he got along with all of my friends and I got along with all of his. And we just...we shared everything with each other. That wasn't just a crush. There was trust, and honesty, and a connection that I had never shared with another person before. We became so inseperable that it was just ridiculous. We couldn't live without one another. Hehehe, we even got into fights together! Like Batman and Robin! I'd still fight anybody who dared to get in his face. Are you serious?
The thing is, Mike isn't gay. That's the only missing piece, unfortunately. We had everything except for that ONE little gap of affection for one another. Which...you know...it sucks. Because if Mike had been gay, we'd definitely be married right now. No doubt about it. He's still my best friend to this day. I stood at his wedding. And when his wife told him she was pregnant, the FIRST thing he did was call me up and say, "You're about to be an uncle!" LOL! God bless that boy. He's still got a piece of my heart that I'll never get back. But, whatever...he can have it. He earned it.
We still talk all the time, and it's like we're still 14 whenever we do. His wife is awesome, his kids are beautiful...he was my very first love and always will be. In fact, if you're reading this right now...this entire website is here because Mike and I got an apartment together...and the sexual tension was driving me CRAZY!!! LOL! Writing those first few stories became my outlet. So, if you liked them, you have Mike to thank for that.
There were a few times before that when I 'thought' that I was in love. Especially with this one boy, Brice, and another boy, Gabe...but they were just really cute and fun to be around. Basically, I wanted to kiss them and get them naked. But, honestly, I was just a horny 6th grader who probably wouldn't know what to do with a cute boy if I actually had one at the time. I hadn't gotten that 'advanced' yet.
After that, there was high school where I had a few secret flings, and college when I had a few more. But I always came back to Mike. They didn't compare. And then, as I began to open up more about who I was, and The Shack became a part of my life, I definitely had my share of intense crushes with other Shackers as well. And then, this guy Erick sort of came out of nowhere. And we started talking and giggling...and before long...things just happened. Erick was the first time that I had felt that way about anybody since Mike. And he became my second love. For years. I still consider him my soul mate. Hehehe, it was almost embarrassing how much I gushed over that boy. To the point where I look at the phone bill and I'm like, "Who did talk to for six and a half HOURS???" Then it's like, "Oh...it was Erick. Yeah, that makes sense." Even now when I talk to him or write him a letter...my heart beats just a little bit faster. And I' thankful for that feeling. Some people go their whole lives never knowing that kind of joy. It really is something to cherish. So, looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. :)
So that's my personal 'love' story. There were plenty of infatuated 'lust stories' sprinkled over those years, of course. Hehehe, I definitely had my fun when the opportunity presented itself to me. But once you experience love...like, it changes you. And suddenly, you don't want the bullshit and the mind games anymore. Doesn't mean that you can't still have fun from time to time, but you begin to see how empty it is in the long term. That's what Mike and Erick did for me. That was love.
Can you be too young to fall in love? Hmmm...maybe. I think it takes time and maturity to distinguish between instant gratification or skin deep beauty...and love, trust, faith, and sacrifice. To be dedicated to someone else, and love them for more than what they can do for you or how they make you feel. I think love, like anything else, takes practice. Courage. Experience. But...when you find it, you'll know it. Maybe it'll be at age 15, maybe at age 25, maybe at age 45. Who knows? But you'll know it.
Love is what I write about. When you read my stories...is all of that fake? Does it feel like 'puppy love', or like some fleeting infatuation? That's not how I remember those feelings at all. I just wish I could have married my high school sweetheart. Hehehe! That would have been amazing.
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