Joe (I know.)
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Date Posted: 11:33:50 01/19/08 Sat
>I hate my life!!! I try to fit in at high school, but
>i end up all alone. I even skip lunch sometimes and
>hide in the bathroom so I don't have to be seen alone.
>I try to talk to people and family, but they just mock
>me. I'll show them.... I'll end this...
In response, let me just say, I went through school with a father that hated everything about me, put me down every day, when I got to school all the kids teased me and called me a fag. I was not a flamer, but they could tell. I lived in a no where town, small, people with small minds. I tried for 40 years to change, but now I have admitted to myself that I am gay and my family has accepted me (my father is gone, so he didn't have the chance). I am bipolar with obsessive compulsion disorder along with being gay, grossly obece. I had a gastric bypass done 5 years ago, did great, lost 200lbs. but the bipolar depression came again and Ive gained alot back. I am disabled by the bipolar and ocd, so I have no money, we live in a cow pasture in a mobile home 30 minutes from civilization, people here are all bible bangers and judgemental, my mother is 84 and lives with us, she has had a terriable life, my father beat her around and still she has an undieing spirit. I don't know how she does it. I have a Son who has just had a Son and one on the way, his wife is a joke, she is so self centered, does not take proper care of the baby. My Daughter is 20 years old and still has no drivers licence because I can't take her driving to teach her because of the price of gas, which also means she has no job and no boyfriend. I feel extremely guilty for that. I failed at a 16 year marriage because I could not admit I was gay because my family and the church insisted I wouls be an "abomination to God". Now I am 48 years old, I've tried all my life to make others happy, and in the end, no one is happy. Why did I stay around ? I seem to have done no one any good and god knows I have been tortured almost everyday... I don't know what to tell you. Try to get help from someone, not a regular doctor. Go to a psychiatrist, they do help. I know. And you are young, there is still a chance for you to have a life. Things are different now, in the cities, people are accepting of gays, and different things, there are so many differences in people that in highly populated areas they are much more accepting and it's easier to not be alone. I am saying this because I lived in Central Florida for 4 years, and it was the best 4 years of my life. In Orlando, guys can walk down the street holding hands and no one even gives you a second look. Goth's are common, all dressed in black with piercings and tattoos, there is a life out there for you, but you have to be true to yourself and go find it. It takes alot of courage, but you are young and don't have things that tie you down, no wife/husband no kids or grandkids that you love and who actually need you for their existance. Go now while your young, there are groups. PFLAG... Parents and friends of Lesbians and Gays, they can help you find people if you are gay or lesbian. There is even a Gay Alliance to help you as well. In a heavily populated area, people are more diverse and you would be more likely to find understanding and compassionate people. Good luck to you, I am still hangin on, after trying to die in 2000, by pills. I awoke to the saim delima. In return, I have got to see my grandson born who I Love so much. It's hard to live, but I agree, it would be harder on everyone around me if I were to die. Sometimes it seems like things will never get better, and sometimes they don't. But you may be one of the ones that things do get better for, zillions of people do get better and their life changes almost magically. Good luck to you and to all who read this. Just reading all of your life experiances has helped me feel like I'm not the only one who has these feelings, so thank you for this website as well. If I don't write back, its not because I killed myself, its because Im 48 and probably will not be able to find this site again. Help each other. Joe.