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Date Posted: 03:33:52 12/06/04 Mon
Author: Loke
Subject: XMAS... yeah right!
X-mas makes me puke and here's the reasons!
The Weather
It's cold as f***ng hell, wet and dark. Snow.. Yeah right! If the bloody snow falls down at all which it never does anyway. By the way the snow is damn cold as well! And it also prevents me from showing my body (yeah, yeah...) off at the beach!
The *EMPTY* Wallet
You waste your time before X-mas trying to figure out what to buy to friends and family. And well you finally got it all figured out you rush out just to find everything is f***ng SOLD OUT! And to rub it further in, it won't be back in the damn shops until AFTER X-MAS! So what's the thing to do about it? Of course you buy something that you know the receiver will sincerely hate just to give him/her SOME f***ng kind of memory that lasts! And far too late you remember the "usual" bills...
The Revenge!
Do you have kids? Have your kids ever got presents that sound TOO F***NG MUCH!? Ah well, I thought so! And it's of course your closest friends and family (may they burn in Hell!) who bought the crap, right? And how with their most sadisticly mean grins watch your rugrats open their packets that THEY have bought for 'em, yeah? So the kids in wild excitement yell out the bad news like "WHOOOHOOOO A LOUDOMATIC Grinder!!!" or "YESSS I wanted this particular battery driven police car FOR EVER!!!" and in your peacful mind you take a bitter farewell to quiet, lazy sunday mornings... BUT! Patience is your best friend! Sooner or later it's PAYBACK TIME!!! And then pick the most loud f***ng toys you ever can find (don't forget your earplugs when trying them!) and give them to your friends' or relatives kids and for f***s sake don't forget to paste your most devilish and sadistic grin in your face!! Two weeks later you call your friends and family just to remind them that it's not the gift itself that counts. It's the thought behind it!
The Food
The night before the big event you find yourself in the kitchen making the annual "mandatories" just to face the fact that nobody's not even f***ng LOOK at it the day after... and you realize when you finally taste the shit why you're not cooking these terrible things more than once per year! You eat and eat and find yourself growing exponentially! When you finally given the cat the leftovers you'll find that not even the ungrateful furry bastard is amused by the fact of eating such things. One more thing! The recepies! Have you EVER found the bloody recepies in time once? I don't believe you if you say that you do! And after this eating orgy you give yourself thre promise to NEVER EVER eat such amounts of food again... Hey, We all know that the promise will definately be broken and forgotten next year!
The Family
When you have the house filled up with friend and relatives you yet one more time realize WHY you never spend time with them. There's your brother in law which only has ONE topic he wants to talk about.. something that you're of course are totally not interested in!! Two seconds later you just want to take something hard and smash his f***ng non existing moron brain out! And there we have the little auntie as always drenched in waaaay too much perfume giving the result that everyone except her suddenly got breathing problems. Severe ones! And since she as always finds it hard to make a decision of which perfume to drench herself in she takes all her different ones! Then we have old grandpa who f***ng pinches your cheeks (and you've reached 30+ and should there fore be treated like an adult!) saying with his mean old man's voice "You've been bigger since last time" Oh thank YOU so f***ng much, I reeeeeally needed to be reminded about that!! Thanks soooooo much! And then we have the always so tender hearted grandma who's continouously pressing on "Won't you have (a f***ng truckload of) more meatballs?" where you resultless tries to defend yourself with "No thanks, I'll be stuffed for a century and just allowing the thought of food right now makes me dangerously close to just puke right up your face within a microsecond or so!", but since grandma is full fledged in pressing on she kills the conversation with brutal efficiency: "But you eat so little these days". The guilt feelings won't exactly be less thanks to that! And finally we have those bloody hooligans officially being your cousins who really puts an effort in not letting your house have ONE non broken thing in it!
When you finally close the door after the last relative who after a looong and tormenting night finally understood that you've not taken the pajamas on just for trying it you say to yourself: "Next year I'll celebrate X-mas faaaar away from here and not a f***ng soul except myself will know where I am" while you're at the last fun thing before the night ends.. the GIANT DISH PILE whereby you fall down in bed at three o'clock in the morning with a far too full tummy...
The Decorations
Do people have some f***ng perverted desire to make their houses look like f***ng Las Vegas!? Not to mention INSIDE!! You just get through the door to fall flat on some totally disgusting statue of Santa Claus and by the law of nature it goes in a zillion irreparable pieces! And WHO the hell put the damn reindeer where I use to sit to take my shoes off!?!?!? So with an accidently pierced butt you go straight to the emergency hospital for stitching! Ouch! Only 74 stitches this time! Not bad! Finally back from the hospital you find yourself lost in a bizarre jungle of flowers, mistletoes and other f***ng veggies! And of course all covered by the f***ng tinsel everywhere! Get me out of this hell NOW!! And the X-mas tree then! To drag a bloody tree inside without having to refurnish the whole damn building is bloody impossible! Ah well.. the cat and the dog use to have fun with the tree though...
The Music
I can live with that the X-mas songs are played everywhere when it's time for them, in other words AROUND X-MAS!! But the crap starts to play in early f***ng NOVEMBER! If the play Jingle Bells ONE f***ng more time I throw the f***ng radio through the door. WITHOUT opening it first! Thank YOU Kevin Bloody Wilson for the wonderful "Ho Ho F***ng Ho!". There IS sanity after all...
The Presents
With the greatest of expectations you rip the paper on the first packet you get only to realize that
1) You already got one of these (which you've got from the same f***ng senile moron as last year)
2) The present is totally impossible to use, but with all politeness you can show you swallow the bitterness and force yourself to smil while you with badly hidden sarcasm say "Thank you" when you really mean "One more of these and I'll f***ng KILL YA!" and the gift in question gets thrown in the closet waiting for the first garage sale coming up...
3) The present IS something you really want! But since you already knew.. well that's not much of a surprise, is it?
The Reason
Why do we celebrate X-mas? To honour the memory of someone who was born a bit more than 2000 years ago... but how many do really have that fella in mind while they work their asses off to create something that's calles X-mas. I definately don't have that guy in mind when I (try to do my best to) celebrate X-mas. On the other hand the above listed things makes themselves painfully reminded and I think that's the way for must people...
Oh well it's here again.. X-MAS! Just to put ourselves together to cope this year too.. but I promise (as always) that it'll be the last time!
So I guess I'm expected to with you a merry x-mas. Okay then. Merry X-mas! Mission Accomplished!
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