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>This is my second letter. I wrote one last night but >didn't like how it came out so I think I'll try again. > I guess I should mention I'm taking my six week shot >out of twenty-six tomorrow. 25% down, 75% to go. >Anything more you would like to know just ask but I'm >new at this and while the whirlwind was sinking in I >didn't have the forethought to remember all the >numbers and figures they were throwing at me. To my >mind, it's almost like if a judge sentenced me to >death for something I knew nothing about, forgive me >if I didn't notice what color socks he happened to be >wearing. I'll listen closer next time but that kind >of numbness don't happen often and I wasn't prepared. > This may seem to turn into a pity party every once >in a while but bear with me. There are just a few >things I feel need to be out in the open between me >and anyone who is kind enough to answer. I don't >intend to let myself become this nightmare, and I >certainly won't let it be the defining factor in my >life and happiness, but if someone thinks they could >get close, they deserve to know what they're getting >themselves into. > I've been a sub-contractor up until I started this >treatment and I suppose I must be easy enough to look >at. I get "hit on" by clerks, waitresses and the >occasional customers sister, cousin, best friend etc. >I've always had to make excuses for not getting >involved and I'm sure there have been some feelings >hurt and egos bruised while I hid behind a workaholic >persona that went home every night and pretended I was >not interested because of some fairy tale I would make >up to explain why a guy like me was always alone. >When a neighbor or co-worker brings the sister or >girlfriends best friend around, who they know would be >a perfect match, it gets a little trickier. But the >bottom line is, I've not only been lonely more nights >than I care to remember, but also probably left a >string of decent girls behind wondering why they >didn't "measure up" or if I was just a stuck up >tight-ass with no sense of fun. The secret is every >bit as bad as the celibacy. > As I write this, I hope somewhere out there, >someone will take the time to write and become >friends, and hopefully become one of those couples >that make everyone else sick because they can find so >much happiness in the day to day life that so many >people take for granted. I've never believed in the >Neitche saying "if it don't kill you, it makes you >stronger" because I'm getting aches and pains from my >twenties that disprove that theory, but I do believe >that the experience of this demon can be turned into >an inspiration that could stand up under many things >that would drive an average couple to the brink of >despair. > Geographically, I'm going to be pretty flexible. >At least as I write this, one of my priorities is to >put this nightmare and everything that goes along with >it behind me. I have a couple of people I would stay >in touch with but the fact is, I've lived a lie for so >long that a short good-bye and occasional card is >about all I feel like I owe the majority of >aquaintances I've met since I learned that life as I >knew it was over. > Well, I hope this is the first step to the most >important part of my next leg of lifes journey. Who >will share it with me? If you would like to trade >pics that would be nice. I'm not all that picky or >have a certain "type" but I could probably write a >better note if I had a mental picture of who was on >the other end. > While I'm here primarily to find my soul-mate (kind >of takes on a new meaning now) if anyone wants to >share experiences and stand shoulder to shoulder in >this battle I would be more than happy to try to >either cheer you up or relate the misery of my day to >day existence for the next 4 1/2 months of shots, >pills and general confusion that seems to be ruling my >life for this brief time. Good luck to all and God >bless and protect you Mike

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