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"Dustin...what are you doing?" I asked. I tried to make my voice as non-insulting as humanly possible, hoping that Dustin's usual razor sharp perception wouldn't pick up on a hint of my worry.
"I thought you might be trying to sneak off to lunch without me. But then I remembered that you like to get energy drinks sometimes when you get tired. So I told my boss that I was gonna go get a juice, and she said it was cool...so...here I am." He giggled, his eyes focused on me with such affection. He was swinging his arms a bit more when he walked, he sighed a bit when he talked, and his pretty smile never went away. Ever. Not even for a second. He was 'visibly' in love...with me. And it worried me. "So...can you buy me a juice?" He asked.
I couldn't help but to laugh. It caught me by surprise. "Hehehe, wait...what?"
"Oh yeah...I don't have any money on me buy juice. But...that's kinda what I told her I was doing...so if I come back without one, then it looks kinda 'shady', you know?"
"Is this just a plot to get a free juice out of me?"
"Hehehe, I think I know a way to get all the 'free juice' I could ever want out of you." He said with a wicked grin. God...t sounded so LOUD to me! There were PEOPLE around us for God sake! I mean...I loved his perverted sense of humor, but I just didn't want to be a part of this...this thing we have going...while other people are around.
"Dustin!" I said in a hushed whisper.
"Hehehe, what? Are you blushing?" He grinned. "I bet I can make you bluuuussshhhhh..." He said, leaning his head on my shoulder as he touched my hand.
I immediately pulled my hand away from him and shrugged his head off of my shoulder. "Stop it, ok?"
"Stop it? Stop what?"
"You KNOW what...just...don't. Ok?" I said, attempting to finalize it. There was a short silence, but I don't think Dustin was hurt. He was more confused if anything. Then again, what did I know? I could hardly read people the way he could. And the LAST thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings or make him think he did something wrong. "Look, don't...don't mind me. I'm just a bit tired and grumpy, that's all. K?"
Dustin looked into my eyes, and I swear...those bright blue pools of crystal could read your MIND if you stared into them too deeply! Then he sorta looked down at the floor as we got to the front of the newsstand, attempting to hide a very subtle pout from me. There it was...a 'pinch' in his once cheerful mood. Now I've made HIM feel self conscious. STUPID! This amazing boy just ran out of work and caught up to me JUST so he could spend a few happy minutes walking with me to the store and back. And like a complete ASS, I make him feel bad.
"Um...so...which one do you want?" I asked him, stepping aside so he could see the juices in the cooler.
'oh...I was just kidding about...the juice thing. I don't need one. Really." He said, an artificial smile creeping in to take the place of his genuine grin.
"No, seriously. It's my treat. K?" I tried to smile and see if I could get him to smile with me. But that chipper smirk of his was getting more and more fake by the second, even though he really tried his best to make it look real.
"It's fine. I was joking dude. Really. I don't want one." He said, and took a step or two back from me. "I gotta get back to work. I'll see ya...later, or something." And he walked out of the store without me. Fuck! FUCK!!!! I'm being an idiot! I'm supposed to be the 'experienced' one here! Shit!
I hurriedly bought my energy drink, and made one more quick reach into the cooler before leaving the store. This time it was my turn to run and catch up to Dustin. "Dustin...wait up. Here." I said, and handed him a pink lemonade. One of his favorites. So odd how a tiny little detail like that is so easy to remember when all you do is think about the same person all day long. "Pink lemonade, from the back of the cooler, not the front. Already shaken for you so you can get that little bit of bubble fuzz on the top when you open it. Just like you like it." I said softly, handing him the plastic bottle.
There was a hint of sadness in his eyes, but he couldn't help but smile when he felt how cold it was. Those magical blue eyes were like headlights, the way the were beaming at me at the moment. "Wow...you remembered all that?" He looked back down at his feet, a blush creeping into his cheeks.
"Now look who's blushing." I said, and I heard the sweetest little giggle escape his lips.
"Um...thanks, Eric. But really, you didn't have to..."
"I know. That's a part of what makes me feel so good about doing it anyway." I said, and even though the mall was pretty busy with mid-day business, I threw an arm over, and gave him a hearty hug around the shoulders. I pulled him into me, his waifish little frame practically fitting under one armpit, and he lowered his head to hide his pouty little grin from me. He pretended to not want the hug, but he didn't put up any resistance at all. Instead, he let his blond hair cover his eyes as he kept his head down, and sighed quietly to himself as he accepted the affection.
I smiled to myself as I felt him melt into my embrace, and for a second or two, he reached both of his hands around my waist and gave me a squeeze. But he was quick to let go and straighten up so as not to draw too much attention to us. I guess that my rejection of him in public was pretty obvious, wasn't it? He knew exactly what I was doing, and he learned quickly. Sighhh...you know, the world should be treating the expression of love the way Dustin does. And instead of us learning from his open display...I'm teaching him to be as closed off and stuck up as the rest of us. I should be kicking up my heels every time he smiles at me, not hiding my love away like some 'dirty' little secret. It's not like I've got a cocaine habit, or a body in the basement. I'm in LOVE! That's all. I wish things were easier for us, a little more 'shameless'...but the truth is, they aren't. And we have to be careful, even when it hurts to be apart.
I just have to keep in mind how utterly fragile Dustin's feelings can be sometimes when it comes to me. He is willing to wear his heart on his sleeve for me, and he's allowed himself to become vulnerable to everything I have to give him...both good and bad. It's easy to forget, over time, what it's like to love someone so recklessly. I thought *I* had it bad! For poor Dustin, it must be a million times worse! I mean, he can be so understanding and knowledgeable about so many things, so intelligent and witty, and he remembers EVERYTHING! He soaks it up like a sponge without so much as a blink. But...at the end of the day, he's still an early teenager. This is all really NEW to him. His experience with something like this is 'zero'. And I get so lost in him sometimes that I forget just how much of an adventure this truly is for him on so many levels.
Funny thing is, I don't know if that inspires caution in me...or if it excites me all the more.
As we got closer to our jobs, Dustin started to drift towards the other side of the hall. And I could already feel his ice cold absence at my side. "I'm sorry, k?" He mumbled. "I won't follow you anymore at work. I swear."
No. I didn't dare accept that. "Then maybe you'll let me follow you for a while, then." I said. "So I can enjoy the view from back there."
His eyes brightened up instantly, and he looked over his shoulder at his own ass. Hahaha, he giggled out loud and spun around to gyrate it for me, making it bounce as he clenched it a few times for me. The motion alone had him cracking up. "It's hot, right?" He said.
"The hottest I've ever seen."
"Damn straight. I could do the Beyonce dance with this booty, if ya want! Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh-uh-oh!" He joked around for a second, but when he stopped, I could see a look in his eyes that expressed this unbelievable feeling of total forgiveness. His ability to wipe the slate clean and start all over from scratch with me...no matter WHAT the offense...simply baffled me at times. But I thanked God for it every day. Because, Lord knows that I've made my share of mistakes with this golden sweetheart already. More than most people would put up with, I'm sure. "You still won't go to lunch without me, right?" He asked, then mentally kicked himself for possibly being 'clingy'. "I mean, you don't HAVE to. It's no big deal. You know...whatever."
Hehehe, did he really expect me to believe that last part? "Don't be so 'extra'. You KNOW lunch ain't lunch without you, man." I replied with a wink, and he had to practically had to put his hands in his pockets to keep him from jumping up and down.
"Ok. Like I said...whatever." He tried to make it sound so cool, so nonchalant. But there was this boyish tremble in his voice that let on that he was nearly bursting at the seams. God...just the promise of BEING with me for a little while throws him into hyper drive! I'm soooo happy to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way!
I walked back into work, and set my energy drink on the counter, unopened. I think I had been give enough energy to last me a week. Just from that one interaction. I can't believe that I'm still smiling. I can't believe that I'm still shaking!
"What the hell is your malfunction, dude?" Jack asked me as I came back in grinning.
"Hehehe...I'm just...I'm...fuck it. You wouldn't understand." I said.
"I beg your pardon?" He gave me a look that only made my smile grow even further out of control. Sorry. "Dude...just run the register for a while. I don't think I want you around people grinning like that. They might think we're running some kind of freak show in here." I happily walked behind the register while he went out on the floor. I looked back out across the hall, and saw Dustin purposely drop some cds by the front of his store, and made sure to bend over slowly to pick them up. I laughed to myself, covering my mouth so Jack couldn't hear me. Dustin purposely kicked a few cds further away, so he could stay bent over and pressing that delicious ass against the back of his pants. He pulled them way up on his almost nonexistent waist, to make sure that I saw every lip licking delectable inch of those tight little cheeks, crack and all. And then he accidentally kicked one of the cds passed the security sensor, setting it off.
The loud ringing got his boss to look over and she gave Dustin a strange look before he straightened up with a deep red blush and hurried back to work. That got me laughing beyond my control...his adorable blush causing my whole body to tingle. Jack looked over at me, and I couldn't stop snickering. I just couldn't.
"You are fucking STRANGE! You know that? Jesus!" He said, and left me to my spontaneous laughter. Once Dustin sheepishly peeked back over at me, he saw me laughing at him, and he gave me the finger as he started laughing himself. I don't think my laughs have ever been more authentic. Hehehe, GOD that boy was poetry in motion. He is truly what God intended when he created the emotion I feel for him. He's perfection. He's....he's....he's my angel.
Hours passed, and Dustin and I did enjoy a very 'festive' lunch together. I couldn't tell if he was purposely toning things down because of our earlier run in, or if he was just getting more comfortable with us just being 'buddies' in public. But once again, I was completely enchanted by him all through our lunch break, and we both came back almost ten minutes late to punch back in. Normally I keep a closer eye on the clock. I'm good enough with my boss where I don't think I would get much more than a verbal warning about extended breaks. But Dustin? So help me, if he lost that job across the hall, I'd be devastated. My day without him would be too dull and boring for me to bear all alone. It was getting to the point where my conversations with other people, even Jack were getting slow and stunted. They just didn't...'come alive' like Dustin did when he talked to me. They didn't pay as much attention to me when I talked back to them. Everything felt stiff and rehearsed and just...unoriginal.
Wow...I wonder if this is exactly what Dustin was talking about. Why he just doesn't like, as he so nicely put it, 'high school kids'. Could it be that I'm just different enough to matter to him? Could it be that he's just different enough to matter to me? For the first time, I think I'm beginning to understand a few things that I didn't before. Maybe relationships work best when it's just based on what both people want to get out of it. Maybe all of that age, sex, politics, religion, race, culture, bullshit is made up. Maybe it doesn't even exist outside of our own minds, driving spikes through what we truly feel...to find a mate that's acceptable to somebody else instead of being acceptable to me. Imagine...maybe Dustin and I squirmed around the garbage and found what truly matters. Maybe we 'fit'...and maybe that is what love is all about.
Sounds poetic, doesn't it?
It's too bad, that in some fucked up sense of common logic.....the world doesn't work like that.
Dustin left work two hours before I did that day, and while I would usually be badgered to wait around for two hours until he got off from work...which I would probably do if his whimper was sweet enough...he was too tired to stick around. But he did make it a point to come over to the store and say goodnight to me. He was rubbing his eyes, tuckered out from the long shift he had to work today. He asked, "It's ok, if I go, right?"
"Of COURSE it is! Dude, go home! Get some sleep. I'll see you this weekend. Cool?"
"That's like...two days away." He said, already missing me.
"Hehehe, are you saying you're gonna miss talking to me."
"NO! I just...ok, yeah." He grinned. "So?"
I noticed Jack silently paying attention from eavesdropping distance, and decided to cut things short between us. "Go already, before you miss your bus. I'll see you soon, ok?"
"Are you SURE? Because I could stay if you want me to stay. If you don't mind giving me a ride, cause my bus stops running in an hour..."
"Fine. I want you to stay." I said, playfully calling his bluff. Dustin instantly got quiet, and his face got the cutest look of fatigue on it from just thinking about being there for another two hours.
He looked up at my face, his puppy dog eyes staring up at me sadly. "Well...ok. If you want me to...I will."
"You want a magazine? Just sit on that bench out there where I can see ya." He got stuck for a moment, and when he looked back up, he saw me holding back a smile.
"Aww, dude, fuck you!" He said, hitting me in the chest. "Hehehe, I thought you were serious!"
"I thought YOU were serious! That'll show you to make promises you can't keep." I smiled.
"I would have stayed if you asked me, you know?"
"I know. But you would have been miserable, and that's not what I'm all about. So go, have fun, get some rest. Go. Go before you miss that bus and I end up driving your sorry ass home."
"Hehehe, ok. But CALL me! K? I mean it! Don't be a jerk ass!"
"I will, I will. Just go." I said, and he smiled at me briefly before looking over to see Jack walk behind the counter. He broke out of his 'trance' and started to leave.
"Bye..." He said.
"Later." I told him, his eyes still connected to mine.
"Bye, Jack." He said politely.
"G'night, Dustin." He answered, and then he looked over at me. I could tell that he was biting his tongue, and really wanted to say something about it...but he let it go. I guess he figured that he didn't need the excess friction between us for the rest of our shift today. Just as well. I felt too good to care.
But....
It was an hour or two after coming home that 'it' happened.
I had just kicked off my shoes at the door, and looked at what I had in the fridge to make for dinner. I didn't really feel like cooking much of anything, and contemplated ordering a pizza or something instead. It was extra money that I really shouldn't be spending until I'm closer to my next paycheck...but I was hungry and standing up by the stove was out of the question. I couldn't stand up long enough to even take a shower right away. And then...for some unknown reason, thoughts of sharing a pizza with Dustin entered my mind.
Right here, in this empty apartment, just me and him, maybe watching a couple of rented DVDs...alone. To kiss and cuddle and hold each other for as long as we wanted. No timed breaks at work, no worrying about his parents coming home from their vacation early, no short trips to the newsstand in the mall, or risky romps in the front seat of my car. Just...us. In a location where our connection can be as timeless as our emotions for one another. The idea seemed to overwhelm me, and I slinked down on the couch, feeling myself getting hard from thoughts of him just laying beside me. I wasn't really thinking about some hardcore orgy between us or anything...well...not the ENTIRE time! Hehehe! But...it was just the idea of being 'intimate' with someone that I really loved and cared about, someone who created a new 'me' just by being himself. Something about it just made me feel so...invinceable inside. I should invite him over. We could do it tomorrow night! We're both off from work, it's Friday night, we could get really close and just have a good time. A REALLY good time! I should do it! I WILL do it!
Finally, the feeling got to be too much, and I smiled to myself as I thought about calling him up on the phone. I just...I wanted to hear his voice, you know? I wanted to feel his vibrations over the airwaves and let him sink into me from a distance. And I finally got the nerve to surprise him. He'd be overjoyed to hear from me. He seemed like he was going to be so 'lonely' without me when he left work tonight! Hehehe, he's gonna flip out when he hears me on the other end of the line.
I got up, grabbed my phone, and dialed Dustin's number from memory. I couldn't wait to hear him. I couldn't WAIT! I should play a prank on him first. He already knows what my voice sounds like, and I haven't been able to catch him off guard yet. But it always made him laugh to hear me try. And hearing him laugh was enough for me. The phone rang once, and I got excited. It rang twice, and I sat up straight on the sofa, anticipating his boyish voice to grace me any second now. It rang a third time, and I was practically bouncing in my seat.
Then...someone picked up.
Someone....
"Hello?" It was a woman's voice. Pleasant, light, but not what I expected at all. I froze at first. I couldn't speak. Not a word. "Hello?"
I began trembling immediately. Was this Dustin's...Mom? "Um...hey..." I said, regretting the fact that I even SAID anything when I should have just slammed the phone down and denied that it ever happened.
"Can I help you?" She asked. My whole body turned ice cold. His mother. His actual...MOTHER! What the fuck do I say? I was just calling to see if your teenage son wants to come over and let me 'molest' him some more? Can you leave him a message?
"Uhhh...well...I'm..." NO!!! Don't tell her your fucking NAME, doofus! "...Is...is Dustin there?" I think I actually heard my voice crack when I said it.
"Dustin?" She said. "He's in his room. I think he's asleep. Can I ask who's calling?"
No!!! NO, don't tell her! Just hang up the fucking phone!!! "I'm...well, I know Dustin from...work..." You're saying too much! This is his MOTHER for crying out loud! This is the woman that's going to jump on you in the courtroom and scratch your eyes out when you get arrested for child rape! HANG UP!!!
But I couldn't. As much as I wanted to, I was afraid that it would look worse if I acted nervous than it would if I just tried to make this sound like a random call....at 10 o'clock at night. Shit...this is 'personal' call hour, isn't it? "Oh, well, he was pretty sleepy. So you might want to try him tomorrow. Ok?" She said. "Are you sure you don't want to leave him a message?"
I must sound so OLD on the phone. A grown man...calling her 14 year old baby after 10 PM. How BAD does this look? This was a dumb idea. It's the stupidest idea I've ever had. "No. No message. Thank you. I'm sorry, I'll try again tomorrow."
"Ok then. Good night." She said. She had probably just come back from tucking him into bed. Kissing his cheek. Making sure that her son was alright. And here I am...the destroyer of his innocence...calling her home at this hour to get another 'taste' of him. I felt that dark sensation crawling over me all over again. That feeling that this was all wrong. That this fantasy romance of mine was just a way for me to mentally hide my guilt. A way to mask the 'abuse' I was causing this beautiful boy with every kiss.
I may have felt like a pervert before...but I don't think I had ever truly felt like a predator before I heard that woman pick up the phone. That's what I am, aren't I? A 'predator'? A trickster and a thief? I didn't move off of that couch for the rest of the night. I sat there, watching an infomercial on cable...and thinking. Always thinking.
Dustin and I had a castle in the sky for a while. But I see that castle falling. I feel it nearing the ground. And I wonder if either one of us will survive the inevitable 'crash'....when the time comes.
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