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(Washing dishes)

As much as I wanted to hear from him, NEEDED to hear from him, I couldn't help but wonder if I should even talk to him at this point. How many times was he going to do this to me? How many times was he going to completely break my heart in two? How many times was I going to willingly let him turn me into this fucking emotional wreck just because he had 'better things' to do? Does he have any idea how LOW he makes me feel when he can't even be bothered to talk to me? How my guts twist up and cramp with the feeling that I'm going to be some kind of a pathetic, high maintenance, pest just asking him to think about me once in a while and want me in his life? I don't think I ask for much. It's not like I asked him to commute back and forth cross-country just to see me everyday afterschool! NO! All I ask is that he write me a stupid little letter, make a stupid little phone call, ACKNOWLEDGE that I fucking EXIST once or twice a week! How hard is that??? You mean to tell me that he doesn't have even a FEW measeley minutes a day to do that? For me? JUST for me? He breaks promises like they were nothing, he hurts me more times than I can count by blatantly ignoring me, and I can't depend on him for anything except for being late or totally absent in my life. So I wonder...where in all this am I supposed to find a reason to forgive and understand his position? Because I honestly haven't found it yet.

I heard the phone ring while I was thinking, and dried my hands off to answer it. Once, twice...and I picked up the phone on the third ring. "Hello?"

"What's up dude???" As though my downward spiral of emotional torture had suddenly become concrete, I heard a bubbly, happy, seemingly unaffected, Erin on the other end of the line. He sounded excited, as though nothing had happened. As though he hadn't totally blown me off the other day. The NERVE of him!

"Hey..." I answered, emotionless and plain. I'll be damned if I get all flustered and giddy because the great 'Erin' called my house. He might not realize it, but I have better things to do than wait for 'his royal heiness' to call my house.

"DUDE....it's ME! It's Erin! I finally got some time away to talk!" He really expectd me to jump up and embrace him, didn't he? After waiting for God knows HOW long for his reply, he actually wants me to feel 'blessed' that he took time to speak to me? Sorry....not this time. I've had enough. He's not getting anything from me, not anymore.

"Yeah, I know. What's up?"

"Well...I thought...I thought you might be happy to hear from me." I could hear the drop in Erin's voice, and he must have known that something was wrong. Well...good! Good for him. I won't be so forgiving this time. There's only so much bullshit I can take. He's been sitting on his ass and partying and having fun while I sit here by the phone and wait for him. I DO have a life without him, you know?

"Sighhh....yeah, so did I." I hope he could tell that I was mad. His suffering would be the only thing to calm my own.

"Blake, are you ok?"

Enough of this subliminal shit, it's time to make HIM feel like the outcast for a change. "I was two days ago when you said you would call. I stayed here in this house all night waiting for you. JUST for you. And you couldn't even bother to say that you wouldn't be able to make it?" I said, my anger and pain working together to bubble up an attack that would strike right to the heart of him and force him to feel a taste of the pain I had been going through over the last few days.

"Dude, I am SO sorry about not calling the other night, ok? HONESTLY! There was nothing I could do about that. They kept me on the set until the very last minutes of my work schedule, and then took me straight to some promotional appearance that I didn't even know about until the last minute. And last night..."

Again with the bullshit. There was ALWAYS a 'film related' tragedy, or an unavoidable mishap, or some kind of party that he couldn't miss...whatever. He can keep them! "You know what, Erin? Don't bother, ok? You've got a hundred problems and twice as many excuses to cover them all up. I just don't think you should waste them on me right now. Because I'm gonna be angry with you either way." I said, and there was a pause on the line as he tried to think of what to say next.

"I didn't mean to piss you off..." Psh...sure.

"Yeah, well great. Thanks."

"It's NOT like I was deliberately trying to brush you off, dude. I really wanted to talk to you. I've been TRYING to talk to you for weeks now. I've just been extremely busy with other things." LIES! ALL LIES! He's not busy, he's fucking making it up to get out of being held responsible for making me feel like SHIT! If he had been thinking about me, if he really cared, he would have made some kind of effort to talk to me. I'm not hard to find, he knows my number, my email, my home address...there's NO fucking reason that he couldn't somehow find a way to reach me if he had to. If he WANTED to! But he didn't. Instead I get pushed aside and forgotten while he goes off and has fun with his friends. He doesn't care. He doesn't even KNOW me anymore! I'm willing to bet that I haven't crossed his mind once since I sent him that letter and he sent that short piece of shit back to me in response!

"You're always busy with other things..." I scowled.

"YEAH! I AM always busy with other things, and you KNOW that! I THOUGHT you understood!" He was gettng mad? At ME??? I'M the one who has been waiting aimlessly for Mr. Big Shot to find it in his heart to regard me as something other than a toddler pulling at his shirttail! And he wants ME to understand?

"I'll tell you what I understand! I understand that your promises don't mean shit! That you would rather play 'movie star' than be here for your friends! That you obviously have time for everybody but me and that I'm just another one of your 'fans' when it comes to your free time..."

"WHAT FREE TIME?!?!? I had to ditch a SHITLOAD of people to get THIS little bit of free time tonight...and I wanted to devote it all to YOU! JUST YOU! Doesn't that tell you something?" He shouted.

But I answered calmly, "No, Erin. Frankly it doesn't." The emotion was beginning to hurt a bit more than before, but I had to get this out. "I needed you. Ok? I needed you. I know that you're doing big things and that it's important to you...but you didn't have to lie to me."

"I DIDN'T LIE TO YOU! I got stuck..." He continued.

"I don't want to HEAR it! You hurt me, over and over again, all the time. And I'm sick of it. If you don't want to talk to me, then don't. If you never think about me once while you're out being a superstar, then don't start now. I don't know what I did to suddenly not be cool enough to be your friend anymore, and I don't care." My eyes became wet and I realized that I was tearing up. It hurt, sure it did. I have been in love with this boy and have shared a great deal of myself with him over the years that I've known him...he meant everything to me. But I was just another faceless piece of garbage to him. A fanmail letter sitting in a giant sack next to his bed. And everytime he pulled this shit, I felt my self esteem drop to almost complete zero, knowing that the guy I cared so much about didn't even know I was alive half the time.

"Blake, listen...it's not what you think. I'm busy ALL the time, every minute of the day, until I'm so braindead that I can't even function anymore. I work myself to exhaustion trying to please a thousand people a day, I NEVER even get to half of them, they're ALWAYS angry with me, always making demands of me or shoving me in one direction or the other..." Blah, blah, blah. I didn't want to even listen to the excuses anymore. He HURT me already! What does it matter? "I'm doing the best I can, Blake!" He says. "Everybody wants me to go somewhere, or meet somebody, or talk on the phone, or take pictures, or sign autographs...they take turns holding me hostage by passing me around from one activity to the next." He sobs, his voice getting scratchy and sad. "You have no idea how much trouble it was just to talk to you tonight."

Great...like THAT'S gonna make me feel better. I told him, "I don't WANT to be your 'problem', Erin. Don't you get it? I don't want to be one of those people that you're obligated to talk to in passing for three minutes on a monday morning while you're on your way to do 'more important' things. I HATE being your baggage! I want to be your FRIEND!"

"You ARE my friend!" He shouted back. "My BEST friend on the planet! Why can't you just believe me when I say that you've been on my mind every single day? Why can't you have some faith in me and just take what I'm telling you at face value?" I almost answered...feeling a wave of need for him sweep over me. But I didn't. I WON'T. Not this time. If I cave in and fall for his line of made up excuses now, he'll just keep doing it, and I'll just keep getting hurt. I'll spend the rest of my life getting ripped to shreds because he can't make me a priority in his life. I don't even know if he's GAY, for crying outloud! And I'm going to waste my life chasing a ghost through walls that I can't even penetrate? I can't take this...I can't.

After my silence had lasted a second or two, a knot forming in the back of my throat. My heart tried to reach out for Erin's affection and my common sense kept it at bay. He said, "Blake...I care for you soooo much. I'm giving you every free moment that I have. Every second of time that I can POSSIBLY muster has been given to you and only you. Even with a billion people nipping at my heels, I've done everything in my power to treat you better than ANYONE else I know. I'm struggling soooo hard to give you the amount of attention that I am. I don't do that for ANYBODY! I'm giving you..." He began to cry a bit, with my own tears following not so far behind. "...I'm....I'm giving you all the heart and the love that I CAN..." He sobbed.

I hid my pain as best as I could, and sniffled a bit to suck it up and have the courage to do what I know had to be done. So...after a brief pause, I simply said, "I'm sorry...but it's not enough. Not for me." And I hung up the phone before I changed my mind.

And that was that. It was over. He knew how I felt, and that he was a jerk for treating me like garbage, and that I was angry with him. So....so there. Now all I have to do is figure out why I still feel like shit. Or better yet, why it's gotten a hundred times worse since I hung up that phone.

NO! NO! I won't do this to myself! He deserved it! I LOVE Erin with all my heart, and he's the most careless, selfish, insensitive person in the world when it comes to my feelings! He can't even remember the SIMPLE things anymore! I HOPE he feels bad! He SUPPOSED to feel bad! But...I don't think...I'M supposed to feel bad, am I?

I sat down on my bedroom floor, with my back against the bed, and my knees drawn up to my chest. The tears were trying to come out, but I just kept fighting them. I thought I had WON this battle. So why am I hurt? My mind went back to the good old days when Erin used to talk to me. When I felt so important in his life. When he would go out of his way to stop all of time and space just so he could spend a day with me and make me happy. There was a time when he really cared about me, and was able to return all the love that I was giving him.

What happened to those days?

Ah well, whatever. It's over now. Besides, what does he care? He only has one point of view to deal with. And in his mind...I'm just another pest. End of story.

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