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The adrenaline rushed through me as I shot through the house to talk to Blake on the phone for the first time in I don't know HOW long! It was a blessing, a triumph, and my mind was racing with the uncensored joy that poured through it as I picked up the receiver. GOD, this was gonna be great!!! It looks like all this blood, sweat, and tears was going to be worth it after all. Hehehe, there are going to be SO many people pissed at me tomorrow morning! But I don't care, this is Blake we're talking about here. It's the most important part of my life right now, and I'm not going to miss it for anything. I waited long enough and so has he.
The phone rang once...and my heart skipped a beat. It rang twice...and my chest began to tremble. By the time he had picked up the phone, I was a jittery mess. But damn it felt good to hear his voice again! "Hello?" He said. I missed that voice, that sweet silvery voice.
"What's up dude???" I bursted out with it, hoping to catch him by surprise! I had been waiting for this all MONTH! Where he would hear my voice on the phone and scream, and I'd scream, and we'd be locked in unison all over again! We could pick up RIGHT where we left off as though nothing had happened, as though no time had passed. I'd confess to him that I had been thinking of him every moment of every day, and he'd say the same, and finally we could get back to being friends without all of this madness in the way. We could get back to it just being the two of us. When we were happy and joined at the hip, the way friends should be. But, somehow....from his tone of voice, I don't think he recognized me.
"Hey..." He said. 'Hey'? 'HEY'??? Is that it? Hehehe, what, is he kidding me?
"DUDE....it's ME! It's Erin! I finally got some time away to talk!" My excitement was limitless, overpowering, uncontrollable....but....evidently not contagious.
"Yeah, I know. What's up?" His voice never got any friendlier than it was when he said hello. In fact, I think it got worse. Cold even.
Was it disappointment I felt? I don't know. But it wasn't a pleasant feeling. It was like the lights had suddenly been turned out on me completely and I was left in the dark alone. "Well...I thought...I thought you might be happy to hear from me."
"Sighh....yeah, so did I." He answered. He was mad, I could tell.
"Blake, are you ok?"
"I was two days ago when you said you would call. I stayed here in this house all night waiting for you. JUST for you. And you couldn't even bother to say that you wouldn't be able to make it?"
"Dude, I am SO sorry about not calling the other night, ok? HONESTLY! There was nothing I could do about that. They kept me on the set until the very last minutes of my work schedule, and then took me straight to some promotional appearance that I didn't even know about until the last minute. And last night..."
"You know what, Erin? Don't bother, ok? You've got a hundred problems and twice as many excuses to cover them all up, and I just don't think you should waste them on me right now. Because I'm gonna be angry with you either way." He said, and I was left speechless. This is NOT how this conversation was supposed to go.
"I didn't mean to piss you off..."
"Yeah, well great. Thanks." He interrupted.
"It's NOT like I was deliberately trying to brush you off, dude. I really wanted to talk to you. I've been TRYING to talk to you for weeks now. I've just been extremely busy with other things." Come on...what was the deal here? It's not like I wasn't trying to get back to him. It's not like I mentally said 'fuck him, I've got my own shit to worry about' and pushed him to the back of my mind! For goodness SAKE I was thinking about HIM the entire time!
"You're always busy with other things..."
"YEAH! I AM always busy with other things, and you KNOW that! I THOUGHT you understood!" I said, now beginning to feel a 'different' rush of adrenaline creeping into my veins. This rush was on fire, like an acid, and it burned hot with anger and insult. My excitement for the moment of talking to someone I truly TRULY loved and cared about was waning fast, and a defensive snarl was left behind to keep me from taking whatever blows he was planning to throw at me.
"I understand that your promises don't mean shit! That you would rather play movie star than be here for your friends! That you obviously have time for everybody but me and that I'm just another one of your 'fans' when it comes to your free time..."
"WHAT FREE TIME?!?!? I had to ditch a SHITLOAD of people to get THIS little bit of free time tonight...and I wanted to devote all to YOU! JUST YOU! Doesn't that tell you something?" I shouted, regretting that I ever called.
"No, Erin. Frankly it doesn't. I needed you. Ok? I needed you." Blake's voice, the one that I had found so sweet in the beginning of the conversation, was now ripping into my soul with every word. Tearing and clawing at my heart with every poisonous breath. "I know that you're doing big things and that it's important to you...but you didn't have to lie to me."
"I DIDN'T LIE TO YOU! I got stuck..."
"I don't want to HEAR it! You hurt me, over and over again, all the time. And I'm sick of it. If you don't want to talk to me, then don't. If you never think about me once while you're out being a superstar, then don't start now. I don't know what I did to suddenly not be cool enough to be your friend anymore, and I don't care anymore." There was a finality in his tone, and it terrified me. Don't DO this, Blake!!! Come on, I'll be better! I'll....I'll...I'll do SOMETHING! I don't know how to stop this. Don't hang up on me.
"Blake, listen...it's not what you think. I'm busy ALL the time, every minute of the day, until I'm so braindead that I can't even function anymore. I work myself to exhaustion trying to please a thousand people a day, I NEVER even get to half of them, they're ALWAYS angry with me, always making demands of me or shoving me in one direction or the other, and I can't help it. I can't STOP it!" I said, the anger now transforming into pain as throaty sobs began to slide into my voice. "I'm doing the best I can, Blake! Everybody wants me to go somewhere, or meet somebody, or talk on the phone, or take pictures, or sign autographs...they take turns holding me hostage by passing me around from one activity to the next. You have no idea how much trouble it was just to talk to you tonight."
"I don't WANT to be your 'problem', Erin. Don't you get it? I don't want to be one of those people that you're obligated to talk to in passing for three minutes on a monday morning while you're on your way to do 'more important' things. I HATE being your baggage! I want to be your FRIEND!"
"You ARE my friend! My BEST friend on the planet! Why can't you just believe me when I say that you've been on my mind every single day? Why can't you have some faith in me and just take what I'm telling you at face value?" There was a silence, and I was almost in a panic as I felt a stray tear roll down my cheek. "Blake...I care for you soooo much. I'm giving you every free moment that I have. Every second of time that I can POSSIBLY muster has been given to you and only you. Even with a billion people nipping at my heels, I've done everything in my power to treat you better than anyone else on the planet. I'm giving you..." I began to break up, tears now flooding my cheeks as I pleaded for him to understand, "...I'm....I'm giving you all the heart and the love that I CAN..."
I heard Blake sniffle a bit on his end of the phone...but after a brief pause, he simply said, "I'm sorry...but it's not enough. Not for me." And he hung up the phone.
Dazed, lost, hurt beyond belief, I sat there with the phone pressed against my tear stained face in shock until the dial tone shut off and the operator's voice recording came on. I slowly hung up the receiver, not wanting to believe what had just happened. My heart felt as though it was going to collapse any minute. My spirit was much too heavy to lift, not that I had the strength to lift it anyway after that. I wanted to throw the phone across the room, to tear every inch of that room apart with my bare hands! I wanted to scream outloud and curse every fucking minute I spent thinking about what I was GONNA do for Blake, and WANTED to do for Blake, and PLANNED to do for Blake! I loathed time itself for keeping me from him and making him reject me so coldly...without even giving me a chance to explain. He hated me, you understand? He HATED me...the boy I loved more than anything hated me, and I didn't know what to do about it.
I later laid down on my side, curling the blanket over me, and allowed my body to go numb. Wondering if the lack of feeling would shut off some of this misery. It had all hit me so quick. What happened? When did I get to be such an asshole? When did I become such an foul enemy to the people I care about most? As I lay there, thinking back over the past few days, I found myself crying even harder. I could hear the screams, the click of the cameras, the shouts of the director, the fans, the agents, the writers, the rewrites, the job, the parties, the appearances, the interviews, the CONSTANT ring of the cellphone...all the unexpected parts of my daily life. And in all that neverending chaos, there wasn't enough time leftover to keep the boy I loved from hating my guts. Even now...the madness is chasing me down again. They're wondering where I am, questioning, pushing, questioning, pushing...I'm just another product to them. And it looks like they GOT what they wanted. They've each suffocated me to the point where I have nothing left. Not even my best friend. Tomorrow morning, once everybody ELSE gets through being hurt and angry and disgusted with me for taking this time out to talk to Blake, once they've ripped into me for not being completely immersed in THEIR private little fucking world where nobody else can exist but them and me...I'll do it all over again. And again, and again, and again.
I'll spend an hour with an agent that wants me all to themselves and not share with anyone else.
I'll spend two hours with photographers who want me to pose for them and not share with anyone else.
I'll spend 10 hours with a director who wants me completely focused on him and his demands and not share with anyone else.
I'll spend 4 hours with a tutor for on set schooling who wants my full attention on the lesson and not share with anyone else.
I'll spend three hours either signing autographs, answering fanmail that piles up ten times faster than I can respond to it, and smiling for hours on end for fans who want me all to themselves and not share with anyone else.
And after all of those folks and more have sucked me dry...I'll have a few seconds to think on the car ride back to the hotel, and then MAYBE I'll be able to sleep long enough to have the energy to repeat it again the next day. Maybe life wasn't meant to be in my control. Maybe fame is what you get when you sacrifice everything stable in your life. When you sell your soul to the devil cheap, and nobody understands, or even TRIES to. When every individual is pulling on you so hard that you can't hold anything together anymore and it all comes apart as the masses literally tear you to pieces.
But what does he care? He only has one point of view to deal with. And in his mind...I wasn't there. I'm NEVER there. End of story.
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