- When I woke up this morning...I thought the feeling would be different. I really did.
When I first fell hard for Brandon...it was like a 24 hour jolt of electric energy passing through me without mercy. I was giggles, I was gumdrops, I was one hundred percent pure adrenaline! I could have easily jumped over the tallest buildings in town with the amount of love and joy I had in my heart. All because Brandon said he loved me. Oops, I'm sorry...hehehe...he said "I do too." I keep those three words close to my heart at all times. I have to. It's like...a part of my personal 'history', you know?
But when I woke up this morning, it was different. I thought about kissing Brandon on the Hill...and how much it made my heart swell with sooooo many good feelings that it nearly lifted me right off of my feet. I thought about his careful touch as Brandon reached forward to rest his hand on my leg. Not in a sexual way, really. I think he just did it for balance. But I got chills from the contact, nonetheless. I had been SO scared, and I had been waiting for that magic moment for SOOOO long...that when the time came for his lips to finally touch mine again...the overwhelming 'crush' of it all nearly killed me! Love. Unrestricted, unadulterated, LOVE! Totally worth every breathless moment leading up to it. Hehehe! And yet...it wasn't the kind of 'love' that I had experienced so many times before.
Where was the fever? Where was the heated rush of obsession? Where was that swift kick in the teeth that knocked me over and pinned me to the mattress...ready to stroke myself to the heights of orgasmic bliss while I waited impatiently to wrap my naked body around him again? I kinda figured that it would come back to me with a vengeance once Brandon and I decided to take baby steps towards being reunited again.
But, no....it wasn't there. This was different. WEIRD, even.
When I woke up, I was calm. I was comfortable. And yet...I was soooooo happy inside. I couldn't explain it. I just...I knew that Brandon loved me. I could feel it, like a warm tickle bouncing around inside of my ribs, forcing me to smile. I had hurt him in the worst ways imaginable. Betrayed his trust in me. Gotten drunk and yelled at him at my birthday party. Tried to break him and Stevie up. I had ignored him and abandoned him and written some of the most hurtful things EVER about him right here in these very journals! But he loved me anyway. Somewhere...in the center of it all, through all of my flaws and hangups, underneath all of my ugliness and monstrous actions against him...Brandon still found something truly special to love about me. He didn't need a reason for it. Or an excuse. I never had to ask or beg him for his attention. I never had to chase him or worry about him losing interest in me. Even after everything I've done...his love for me was as constant and as dependable as the morning sunshine creeping through my bedroom window. He proved that to me yesterday. And it made me feel safe, giving my heart to him completely.
I could count on him to be there. And that, while exciting in its own way...was more of a soothing comfort than some boyish thrill, best left for a 5 year old with a new bicycle on his birthday.
He loves me.
I keep thinking it to myself. Over and over again in my head. Those words just keep pushing all the right buttons and keep me shivering with delight.
Brandon loves me.
What did I do to even warrant such blind devotion? It makes me re-evaluate who I am as a person. And, you know what? It makes me want to be better. For him, if not for myself.
It's such a strange feeling. I never thought that I would mature all at once like this. Hehehe, if 'maturity' is what I can call it. I still don't know for sure. But everything feels different when you take the time to see life from a different perspective. I think I like having the big picture be a little clearer for a change. It makes things a lot more enjoyable. Trust me.
I make it a point to give my mom a kiss on the cheek at least once a day now. I don't know why. It makes her smile, I guess. And making her smile after so many gloomy days of tears of depression was something that was important to me. I was so worried that I'd be totally unqualified to help my mom ever feel better and get her back on her feet again. But it hardly took me any effort at all to make her happy. It was so...easy. Just letting her know that I cared once in a while, and that it was ok if she was hurt. That, a few washed dishes, and a daily kiss on the cheek...and she is SO much happier than she has been in a long long time.
My mom told me that my dad called while I was out getting a chili dog and some cheese fries for lunch. I just had this taste for junkfood that wouldn't leave me alone today. I get that way sometimes. You know?
Anyway...I have to admit that I felt a certain anxiety when the idea of talking to my father came up today. And not the good kind, either. There's a part of me that wishes that nervous feeling was there. I mean...it's my dad, right? I love my dad. But after what he had done to me and my mom? I mean...she was doing so great earlier on in the day. But the moment she had to relay the message that my dad called...it was like her heart had shriveled up all over again. She went into her room to watch TV with the door closed shortly afterward, and I just felt like I was fraternizing with the 'enemy' by calling him back. Like...I was enabling him to be blissfully happy elsewhere while my mom was so utterly miserable. And that didn't seem fair to me at all.
I know that children assume blame and try not to choose sides when it comes to divorce and stuff. I've seen it on TV shows and the like before. But...going through it firsthand was a completely different experience. Parents dread having to choose between their kids...but it's NOTHING compared to having to choose between your parents. Believe me.
Still...I made the call. Might as well. It's not like my dad doesn't know where I live or how to find me if he really wanted to get in contact with me. Hiding out would be pretty pointless.
The moment I heard the phone ring, I began praying that 'she' wouldn't answer. I swore to myself that I'd hang the phone up in her face if she picked up. And I probably wouldn't call back. The less I think about her, the better.
Luckily...the tiny voice of Trace's brother, Mikey, picked up instead. I'm surprised that he was able to even say, “This is the Chase residence...” when he answered. It was such a mouthful for him.
I started to laugh and was like, “Hey, Mikey!”
He knew my voice right away. Like, “HI, BILLY!!!” There's something about having Mikey so excited to hear from me that always makes me feel like a million bucks. You just feel like some kind of an idol or role model when they shower you with so much unsolicited attention. How can you not giggle yourself silly? Brandon used to make me feel the same way. Hehehe, like I was the most important person in the world to him. I know it's just an ego stroke, but it made me grin from ear to ear, regardless.
Mikey just started talking to me as if I had called the house to talk to him, specifically. Hehehe, then he was like, “I got to see Daddy today. But Tracey didn't wanna go. But I got ice cream. And Tracey didn't get none!”
I'm like, “Awww, well cool! What kind did you get?”
He says, “I like vanilla! It was all soft and smooshy too!”
Talking to him, I heard about how his father was...I assume...trying to reach out to the two of them again. And from the sound of it, Trace isn't too eager to make amends with his father anymore than I was with mine. But the time to go is coming up soon and he's gonna have to move back home eventually. He may not be fond of his dad, but he sounds like he downright despises his mother. Not much of a choice there, unfortunately. I wish that I could talk to Trace about this stuff. Something tells me it would make us both feel better to get some things off of our chest.
It took another minute or two of playful kiddie conversation before I was able to get Mikey to hand the phone to my dad, and he was like, "Bye, Billy! Come over and play some time!"
Then...my dad's voice came over the line. He was like, "Hey, kid. What's going on?"
It was awkward. And I just kept thinking that it shouldn't be awkward. I was like, "I'm good. Stuff is...average, I guess."
He said, "Average? Why? What's wrong?"
I'm like, "Nothing. It's cool." I made sure to lift the tone of my voice a bit to make it believable. I wasn't angry or anything, but...I keep thinking of the way my mom was crying her eyes out...feeling all alone in the world. I just can't hear his voice and not cringe over it, you know? It's why I've been avoiding him so much. I don't know what to do with that terrible feeling. I almost just...want him to go away. I feel bad for saying that, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with these awful feelings anymore.
He paused for a second, and he says, "Well, did you get your paycheck from work yet?"
I'm like, "Oh yeah! I did. I got it on Friday as soon as I got to work."
He sounded so happy for me. "Alright! Way to go. It's official. My son is a working man now. You're filthy rich now, right?"
I smiled, like, "Well, I don't know about all that. But it's cool to know that I earned some cash doing something other than household chores for once."
Then he said, "So what days are you off this week?"
I said, "Umm...tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday."
Then he hits me with, "Ok. Why don't I swing by tomorrow and pick you up around lunchtime. I can take us out for a bite to eat first, and then we can go get that personal bank account set up for you. That way you can keep that bad boy and all the ones to come after it safe. What do you say?"
I don't know if he heard me hesitate or not. I didn't want him to know that I was conflicted about it. I think I said, "Oh...ok. Yeah, sure." Or something like that.
He's like, "I mean, is that ok? You don't have any plans with your friends or anything tomorrow, do you?"
If I hadn't answered, "No. No, I'm free tomorrow." so 'automatically', I might have been able to use that as an easy way out of it. But...he seemed kind of excited about it. I didn't want to tell him no.
Not that saying 'yes' was much easier.
When I hung up the phone, I looked at the closed door to my mom's room...and I almost knocked to just...I dunno, make sure she's ok? Give her a hug? Something. But I didn't. I just didn't.
...The rest of my night has been pretty quiet. I found myself just laying on my bed doing nothing. I wasn't really super inspired today. What can I say?
But there was a moment before I started thinking about what I wanted to write on these pages tonight...when I thought about Brandon again, and I actually heard myself sigh out loud. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I had the biggest, dreamiest, smirk on my face...and I couldn't help but to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I even saw myself beginning to blush, for no reason other than...I was loved. Heh...isn't that crazy?
I contemplated sending him a quick message, even though I had just spoken to him yesterday. I started to feel a little self conscious. Like I was going to make a burden out of myself, or not know what to say. Or that maybe I was assuming way too much about our kiss yesterday, and that I was running blind into a situation that neither one of us had really 'agreed' on...or whatever. I mean, we kissed. But it's not like he said, "Sweet! Well, we're boyfriends again." I think it's a little farfetched to think things would be that simple.
But...at the same time, I missed Brandon terribly. All day, every day. I missed him soooooo much. I can never get him out of my head. Now that things are sorta being worked out, I realize that I never stopped loving him in the first place. The feeling never went away. It's always been there. It was a permanent part of who I am as a person. The best part, I think. I couldn't help myself...I just wanted to feel close to him again at that particular moment. So I sent him a message. I had to. My day is just incomplete without him being a part of it. Funny how you have to lose someone and get them back to truly understand that.
I didn't bust out the 'L' word or anything. I didn't want to force it. I just...I said, "I wanted you to know that you were on my mind. I'm thinking about you. And thanks for yesterday. Everything was perfect." I was scared to hit 'send' right away. But I did. I just hope he reads this and...I don't know...feels the same way.
I can't stop thinking about him. It's not a hysteria like last time. It's just me experiencing a feeling of being 'whole' again. Complete. And truly loved.
Brandon loves me...
Hehehe, oh God, there I go giggling again. How the hell am I supposed to get to sleep tonight?
Gotta run. I'll write more tomorrow after having fun with my dad at the bank tomorrow. Whatever.
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