- Ok, so maybe my big confession to Brandon yesterday was delivered a bit premature.
Or...maybe I was just trying to move things forward WAY too fast without really thinking about what I was doing. You know? Sometimes you just get so hyper over something that seems so awesome and so easy and right there within your grasp, that you blitz forward without looking and end up ramming your skull into a brick wall at top speed!
And when THAT happens...it's too late to look back and think, "Well, fuck...THAT was fucking STUPID of me!!! What was I thinking???"
I've been on edge all day, so I'll try to keep from sounding too weird while I write this. But I don't think it'll be easy. It's just been a confusing day, to say the least.
I'd be lying if I said that thoughts of my dad and I spending time together yesterday didn't linger.
My mom told me that I'd regret not spending more time with him before he moved away for his new job. But I just kinda dismissed that as her way of trying to get me and my father to bond on some level that I didn't think we'd ever bond on again. But now? Now I think I get it. Because I'm starting to feel a touch of panic in having him move so far away from me. And so soon at that. I really don't have much time left, do I? I should make plans to see him again. Maybe even a few times...before he's gone for good.
Anyway...before I slide into that particular pit of despair...
Brandon 'sort of' answered me today. SORT OF...but not really.
I feel like I've got this nervous tremble building up in the back of my throat, where I feel like I want to throw up...but I can't. It just....HURTS! I don't know why, but it does. I look at myself in the mirror, and think about everything that I've done to Brandon in the past...and GOD...I'm so ashamed and so embarrassed that I wonder why I'd ever expect him to jump at the chance to get a spontaneous 'love letter' from me on a random Monday evening. Maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.
You know that part of the Bible where, despite everything he did for them, those deciples turned their backs and denied Jesus Christ himself in his final hours? That's how I felt. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, but it's the only comparison that I can think of. I betrayed Brandon. I abandoned him. I violated his love for me and took advantage of his trust. Why the fuck WOULD he want to love me again???
I was an idiot to think that sweeping my horrendous acts under the rug would be enough to excuse the fact that I tore his entire world apart. And for what? For a few sexy afternoons with Bobby Jinette? Was it worth it? Now that the whole thing is over and me and Bobby are just 'friends', if even that much...was it worth me sacrificing the most incredible experience of true love that I've ever known?
I'm back at square one again, aren't I? With nothing to build off of other than loneliness and my reputation for screwing over the people who took the time to care about me most. The people who were willing to give me the love that I felt I deserved. Not much of a selling point to give to the next person who decides I'm worth the effort. Is it?
I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting.
Yesterday I found a momentary burst of courage. And I told Brandon that I loved him. That I ALWAYS loved him. And that nothing is ever going to change that. (Not in those exact words, but...you get the idea)
Today, he sent me a message back.
Just seeing his name on my list of messages got me to giggle to myself and embrace the giddy rush of adrenaline as I quickly clicked on his name to see what he said back to me.
It wasn't what I expected. :(
It was just...it was...
Brandon said, "Billy? I think that maybe we should talk. Ok? Not like this. But...maybe on your next day off from work, you and I can get together. Would that be alright?"
I don't know. That just...it doesn't sound like good news to me. And that...that sucks.
Maybe I was expecting some super happy email from Brandon, saying, "Omigod, Billy!!! I love you too!!! Let's go back to being boyfriends and pick up right where we left off!" At least, I was hoping that it would be that easy.
But...it isn't. Is it?
It's just dumb and irrational to think that I could bash and batter and abuse Brandon's delicate heart the way that I did...and just expect him to brush it aside. He has every right to hate my fucking guts for as long as he draws breath. And I'd be an asshole to not recognize that and take *FULL* responsibility for creating that giant mess in the first place. I was selfish and horny and didn't deserve Brandon's forgiveness for fucking his life up in ways that nobody else ever could.
But...I loved him.
That one glaring truth was always there to smack me in the face, and no matter how much I tried to ignore it...it stuck with me. After all the boys I've been with, it was Brandon's opinion of me that mattered most. This whole 'show' that I put on for the world, hoping to be accepted, hoping to be loved...without Brandon's attention, what did it all mean? Nothing. Nothing at all.
I don't know why such a short message from him caused such a chaotic breakdown in me today...but I could feel myself falling to pieces at the idea that he didn't return my instant feelings of reconnection after our discussion on the Hill the other day. You know? I mean...we KISSED! Doesn't that mean good things? I mean...well...doesn't it?
I'm not so sure anymore.
I mean I kissed Jimmy LaPlane, didn't I? I kissed Sam. I even kissed AJ! (YUCK!!!) It didn't mean much in the long run. I think I just got my expectations up way too high. I wrote back to say that it would be cool if we could talk. But I won't have a day off until the weekend. I don't know if can wait that long! Something tells me that I'm going to agonize over this every minute of every day until I hear what Brandon has to say to me. God, I hope he's not going to say that we should just be 'friends'. That would be the kiss of death to me at this point. I mean, I was JUST reaching the point where I didn't dream about Stevie having a freakin' PIANO dropped on his head from the roof of a tall building, for crying out loud.
Anyway, all things aside, I did go in to work today, but the store was surprisingly dead today. Not much going on at all. That just makes the day stetch out to feel like 100 hours instead of the few hours I was actually scheduled for. Sure, Scott told us to just clean up and tend to our sections, but I could only use Windex and paper towels to polish up the shelves for so long before the whole act just became a waste of energy.
Robin was there for a while. He seemed to be a bit distracted for some reason today. Whenever I talked to him, he forced himself to brighten up and smile for me...but I've seen Robin smile for real. And that wasn't it. Not even close. I wondered if I should say anything, but chose not to. He seemed...I dunno...lonely.
I thought it might be because it was so slow today, and maybe he was just bored. But he kept checking his phone every ten minutes or so. It didn't take long to recognize what was going on. After dealing with AJ in the past...I remembered the feeling well.
Then...eureka! Robin got a message on his phone, and he snatched it out of his pocket and hurried over to a nearby corner as though the president was going to inform him of whether or not the country was going to WAR!
I couldn't help but to look over at him, hoping for the best. And the biggest smile broke out on his face. Followed by a boyish blush. I take it that he got the message he had been looking for.
It was only a minute or two before he skipped his way over to me to show me the message and giggle to himself with pride. "AJ says he wants to get together tomorrow. See? He sent me kisses. Hehehe! God, Billy...sometimes he just makes me feel so...UGH! Hehehe! Sorry!"
I was like, "Well...good. That's really cool, Robin. You seem really happy."
He's like, "I AM! I knew that he could be good boyfriend material if somebody just gave him a chance. He actually says 'I love you' more now that we've been sort of...exclusive. You know? I think he may be turning around." Then he says, "Do you think I should let him meet my parents? I mean, not as my boyfriend or anything. Just...maybe he can come over some time and they can at least know who my sweetheart is. That would be cool, right? Or do you think it's too soon for that?"
Not knowing what to say...I sorta told him, "Maybe you should wait for a little while longer, Robin. I mean...make sure that he..." I was going to say 'feels the same way about you too', but I held back on that. If anything, he'd probably take offense to that statement. He was so happy. He was practically 'glowing' at the thought of being so involved with AJ. So much so, in fact, that I was almost hoping that Robin was right. I mean...I had my bad experiences with AJ in the past, but does that make him above redemption? He's capable of changing his ways. Maybe Robin is right. Maybe AJ was just never given a proper chance to be anything more than a temporary sexual craving before. And while there was a part of me that looked at his 'sweet' messages to Robin on his phone and remembered him saying the exact same things to me...and to Jimmy....and to anybody else that he wanted to keep around for an afternoon screw...I kinda wanted to believe that he could be more than that.
Unlike Jimmy's first run with AJ, Robin is well aware of what AJ is capable of in terms of fooling around with other boys. So maybe he has a better handle on who he is and what this relationship might evolve into. I'll keep my fingers crossed for them both.
That doesn't mean that I'll ever reach a level where I'm willing to welcome AJ with open arms. He's blown it with me as far as 'trust' is concerned. But for AJ's sake...I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Coming home tonight though...I got a call from Ian tonight. I thought it was really cool at first, but I felt my hesitating to pick up the phone. I mean...I did pick it up after a few rings...but I felt weird about it.
I wasn't quite sure why at first. But as Ian tried to make an awkward attempt at 'small talk', he reminded me as to why this conversation wasn't actually supposed to be happening.
See...it started with me saying, "So...how is stuff with the new camera? Did you get all of the little gimmicks and stuff working yet? And those new programs that you were playing around with and stuff?"
There was a silence. A short one, but one that I noticed right away. Ian then said, "Yeah. Everything is working out...just fine, I guess." Followed by another silence. I thought I had said something wrong, but Ian was like, "Billy? Can I ask you something? And please tell me the truth..."
He sounded pretty serious. So I was like, "Yeah. What's up?"
Ian says, "....Did Bobby tell you not to talk to me anymore?"
He was so SAD when he asked me. The whole thing put me on the spot. Because I kinda wanted to tell him the truth, but I didn't want to rat Bobby out. I know how worried he is about Ian and I talking to one another. Or ever finding out that I was gay. I tried to stall by saying, "What makes you say that?"
I don't think Ian was buying it. He just said, "Billy...c'mon. Just tell me, ok? Is that what he said to you?"
With a sigh...I tried to stay as neutral in this whole thing as humanly possible. I was like, "I think Bobby was just being sweet on you, dude. That's all. He's so crazy about you! Hehehe!"
Ian seemed a bit upset. He said, "That's not the point. I think he's actually done this to a few other people too. What does he think I'm going to do? He doesn't want me to talk to any boys. Like ever. I tried to tell him that I love him, and only him, but he doesn't believe me. Why can't he just take my word for it?"
I said, "He does, Ian. I'm sure he believes you. It's just...Bobby really really likes you. I think he just gets insecure sometimes. Bobby gets crazy when he's being insecure. It's not your fault though. He's always thinking that you're going to run off with some other boy if he doesn't keep a close eye on you."
Frustrated, Ian said, "That doesn't make any sense. I *LOVE* him, Billy! I love him with my whole heart. I tell him every day. When I wake up in the morning, or before I go to bed at night, and all the hours in between. If I truly loved him, I wouldn't have any need to go looking for somebody else to spend time with. It's not like he sees me making out with other guys when he's not around. I'm not even interested in spending time with anybody else but Bobby. Like...at all." Then, sadly, he was like, "I just don't know why he won't believe me when I say that I'm not going anywhere. He can't just 'control' who I can and can't talk to. If he doesn't trust me long enough to even talk to you on the phone, then what good does it do me to express my feelings to him at all?"
I wasn't really sure how to answer that, to be honest. I mean, what do I tell him? No matter what I say, it's not going to make Bobby feel any better. In fact, if he knew that we even had this conversation, he might end up feeling worse. Bobby went from being too scared to approach Ian at all, to being too scared to loosen his grip on the poor boy. I tried to talk to Ian about it for a bit, but eventually just said, "Maybe you should just try talking to Bobby and letting him know that he needs to relax a bit more. Like I said, he just feels a little awkward sometimes. That's all. I doubt he's doing it to be insulting or to suggest that you're untrustworthy. He's just...'new' to this kinda thing."
I don't think it did a whole heck of a lot to help ease Ian's mind, but he said, "Thanks, Billy. Maybe I'll try to talk to him...again. Just...don't ignore me, ok? 'm allowed to have friends and stuff too. Bobby's just going to have to deal with that. Period. He's the most important thing in my life, but he can't be the only thing in my life. You know what I mean?" And I totally agreed with him. It's true. Who knows why Bobby thinks that every cute boy that Ian comes into contact with is going to suddenly steal him away from him, but I think he's going to have to get a handle on that before it becomes a problem. If I remember anything about unfounded jealousy...it only ends up pushing the person you love further away from you than drawing them closer. Hopefully, Bobby Jinette doesn't have to learn that the hard way.
Anyway, Ian just wanted to assure me that we were still friends, and that I shouldn't feel bad for talking to him. I really don't want to get in the middle of him and Bobby working out the details of their relationship. The further I stay away from that situation, the better. I'm not taking sides. That only leads to trouble in the long run. I hope they talk. They need it.
Ok...so, I'm going to bed soon. I was kinda hoping that Brandon would write back tonight to let me know he got my message about getting together to talk later on this week. But he didn't. So....sighhhh...here I am, waiting again. Waiting to see what he has to say to me. If anything. This is going to drive me absolutely mad over the next few days. I hope he feels SOME obligation to at least tell me 'Ok, we'll talk then' or something. Anything would be better than total silence. Because that would be an absolute nightmare.
Why do I get the feeling that 'love' is taking years off of my life?
Gotta run. Work again tomorrow. I'll write more then. I know that Robin is off tomorrow. Maybe he and AJ will get together and have some fun together. He seemed to really need the affection today. He's reaching a point where he feels kind of lost without AJ's constant attention. I, personally, think he's investing too much faith in AJ's so-called 'undying love'...but, like I said...he deserves the benefit of the doubt. Until he does something to prove he doesn't deserve it. So...that's all up to AJ now.
I'd just hate to see Robin hurt. He can be such a sweetheart when he wants to be.
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