- I had the weirdest dream last night. It's been lingering with me all day long and I couldn't get rid of it. That's why I had to call Brandon tonight. I knew he was ignoring me the first two times, but I just kept calling and calling until he finally paid me some attention. Because...well, it's just not fair for him to hide in the shadows and make me suffer like this. That's why. I deserve better. I don't know anyone who doesn't.
Anyway, like I said, it started with this weird dream...
I don't remember how it started exactly, but I was walking down the street with this really BIG present with Brandon's name on it. It was in a wrapped, fully decorated, box with a big bow on the top. I can't even remember if I knew what was in the box or not, but it was something awesome because I could barely keep myself from grinning as I was, apparently, walking in his direction. You know?
So I got to this house, and I see that Brandon's having this great big party inside. I didn't even know that he was having a party. Still, I keep walking up to the house...and there's no door. 'm confused for a minute, and I walk from one side of the house to another. I do a complete circle all the way around it, backyard and all. But...the whole house doesn't have any doors at all...only windows.
I'm confused, and this big box in my arms is getting heavy, so I keep trying to circle the house again and again, wondering if I missed something. Wondering if there was some secret password and hidden entrance that I needed to find to be a part of the party. Everybody ELSE got in there somehow, right? Why not me?
I keep searching and searching, and now I'm just getting frustrated because there doesn't seem to be ANY fucking way in at all! So I go to the window and I look inside. Everybody is in there having a great time. I see Brandon inside...laughing and smiling and talking to all of his party guests...he's really enjoying himself. I see them giving him gifts, and he's accepting them and giving them hugs and kisses on the cheek, thanking them for being so cool and so generous. I've got a gift too! I just...I needed to find a way in. Why can't I get in? Am I not allowed? Why not? Why wasn't I invited to the party? I love and care for Brandon just as much as everybody in there. MORE so! There's GOTTA be a door around here somewhere!
I put the box down, and I'm seriously feeling along the walls of the house now, wishing that I could just get a hint on how I might be allowed inside. But I found nothing at all. I go back to the window, and I see Trace inside. And Jamie Cross. And Sam. Brandon barely even KNOWS Sam! How did he get invited to the party and not me? What's going on here?
So, I start knocking at the window, hoping that somebody will see me and tell me how to get in. But nobody seems to pay me any attention. I'm pounding at these windows with my fist, seeing if they'll open or something so I can climb in...but nothing works. Every now and then, Brandon looks up at me...smiles briefly, and waves hello...but that's it. I can't get him to LOOK at me. TALK to me. I can't even get him to point to an entrance so I can get inside. He just goes back to talking and joking around with his 'friends'...and leaving me to stand out here all alone in the cold.
I see the giant present I bought for him starting to wither and deflate right in front of me. And then it starts to rain. The weather turns super cold, and I just...I want to be invited to the party. And I'm not. :(
I catch Brandon's eye...and he smiles, waves hello, and then goes right back to pretending he didn't see me. So...I give up.
I walk up to the big decorated gift box on the lawn...and I angrily kick it into the fucking street. Then I sit in the wet grass, fold my arms, and just start crying my eyes out. That's how it ends. I woke up right after that, and I swear that I could still feel the ache of it in my chest. I can't believe how much that emptiness inside began to really hurt, even after the fantasy was over. It was excruciating. My mother actually asked me twice at the breakfast table this morning if I was feeling alright. She thought I might be coming down with something, but I wasn't. It was just...this unfathomable sense of loneliness that overwhelmed me from the inside out, and I didn't even understand why. That's all I kept thinking to myself all throughout the day. WHY??? I kept seeing myself scream and pound my fist on that lonely window and not having anybody see me. Or hear me. Or maybe they did, but just didn't see a reason to give a damn...
I checked my messages this morning, thinking that maybe the dream was so powerful because it was some kind of omen or something. But he didn't send me a single word of response after last night. Which hurt at first. It really did. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Honestly. It was like, I'm a human being TOO, you know? I have pride and feelings just like everybody else. And whatever kind of game it is that he's playing with me, I'm getting sick of it. I didn't need this kind of stress and pain in my life. I put my heart on the line and I was totally honest and open in trying to just communicate for once...and he can't even be bothered to answer me?
So yeah, I'll admit that I was in a bit of a rotten mood all day today at work. I just...I couldn't stop thinking about how much it frustrated me to be so helpless about all of this. I was honestly starting to think that I'd be better off ending the whole thing and starting over with someone who was willing to give me the time of day.
I just...ugh...I hate feeling like this. Who lives like this? It's so stupid!
Work went by pretty quickly today. I was surprised, because it'snot like it was all that busy. I have to admit that I was glad that Robin wasn't going to clock in until it was time for me to leave. I just really wasn't in the mood to hear him talk about 'AJ this' and 'AJ that' today. It would have driven me crazy. It's like watching a toddler play with a dead beetle. 'Na na na-na nah! You can't have it!' Keep your dead beetle kid. It's worthless.
I did feel a little bad when Dizzy saw that I wasn't wearing the bracelet that she gave me yesterday. I honestly just forgot it this morning. I could actually envision it sitting right there on my dresser, but I didn't put it on. I Dizz wasn't really upset, but he pretended to be anyway. He was like, "Oh no, that's alright. I go out and buy you something sweet...and you don't wear it. I get it."
I'm like, "Noooooo, Dizzy! It's not like that at all. I promise. I just forgot."
Half giggling, he said, "Well, let's see...you're wearing pants, right? Yep...you've got pants on. You're wearing shoes. And a shirt. I assume you're wearing some form of underwear. So...you definitely remembered to put on the things you deemed important before coming to work today. My bracelet just wasn't one of those things, I guess." I started to come up with another excuse, but Dizzy said, "Unh unh! Talk to the hand. I see how it is now..." And he walked off to go to the back of the store.
I'm like, "Dizzy, c'mon! Dizz?" I smiled and turned my head towards Ollie behind the register.
But he held up his arm and just said, "Don't know why you lookin' at me, bitch! I've GOT my bracelet."
Yeah, I got teased a little bit on and off throughout the day, but it was all in good fun though. It helped to lift my spirits, if only slightly. And...it let me know to never leave the house without my bracelet again.
It actually started raining a little bit as I was taking the bus home. I really wish I could drive. Things would be so much more convenient that way. Luckily it didn't get bad until I got home, but as I heard the rain outside...I just kept thinking about that dream. It was a strange sensation. I didn't know if I was hurt from being so angry, or angry from being so hurt. But when I looked at my messages again and saw my inbox still empty...I just gritted my teeth and dialed Brandon's number.
The first time, it rang a few times and went to voicemail. I didn't leave a message or anything, but I know he'll see my name pop up on his phone. Then, after waiting about 20 minutes, I started to get antsy again. Maybe I was being a pest, but I only wanted five minutes of his time to figure out what was going on. Just five minutes. So I called again. This time...only one ring. Then voicemail. Which...I'm thinking that he's purposely ignoring me at this point. Which is just plain rude. Why is he doing this to me? I don't understand. The ache of it hit me pretty hard at first, and I just sorta sat back on the couch, feeling like I was on the verge of tears at this point. Here I was again...banging on that same window and being left out in the cold. And soon, I just couldn't take it anymore.
I called him again. And again. And again. And I sent him a message asking him to please talk to me. And FINALLY, after another hour of this, Brandon finally deemed it 'necessary' to grace me with his presence by calling me back. Gee, thanks for showing me some mercy, my lord and master.
I was a bit of a wreck when he actually called, and I had to wipe my eyes and clear my throat so he wouldn't know how broken up I was. But my voice was still shaking anyway. And I KNOW that I got angry, and I know that I might not be thinking straight, but if I had to go through just one more hour of being...left to dangle like this with no answers, reasons, or motivations, behind this whatsoever...I was going to lose my mind.
One of the first things he said to me was, "I'm sorry, Billy. I can't really talk for long." That was like...one of the FIRST things he said after 'hello'! What the hell?
I figured...if this was it...if Brandon wanted me gone and to stop 'bothering' him, then I'd rather know about it right now. Just...just stab me in the heart and get it over with, you know? At least that way I can either die from the wound or begin the healing process as soon as possible. Right now, I feel like a mortally wounded animal, and the hunter doesn't even have the common decency to put me out of my misery. Maybe it'll hurt...but at least it'll be over.
I choked back a sob or two, and I asked him, "Is there even going to be any reason for us to get together and talk tomorrow, Brandon?"
He's all like, "What do you mean?"
And I'm like, "Look...I understand that I hurt you a long time ago. I get it. And I'm sorry." I sniffled a bit, and said, "Just...if you decide that you just don't love me anymore, and that this isn't going to work...well, you don't need to wait to say that to my face. Just...tell me whatever you need to tell me and let me go. Ok? Please? Just let me go. Because this is killing me, and I don't know how much more I can take."
Brandon actually said, "Billy...I never said that, ok? What would make you think that I don't care about you?"
I hated myself for crying, but I said, "Because, Brandon...you don't talk to me. You ignore my calls, you don't answer my messages, you tell me that we should talk and then you just abandoned me. I never know what you're thinking, I never know how you feel...I feel like I'm hurting all the time and I just want it to stop. Please...if you're going to tell me to get lost, just tell me. Please, Brandon. Please?"
He's like, "No. Billy...dude, it's not like that at all. I do love you. God, I love you so much that I couldn't stop if I tried. I mean that, ok? That's not what tomorrow is about."
I'm like, "Well, what is it then?" I was sniffling like crazy and had to get tissue now. Ugh, I was such a mess. "Why won't you talk to me? What did I do to deserve this? I don't understand. I thought....I thought we were starting over..."
He says, "We are, Billy. We are. But...I just think we should talk. I need to be there. I don't want to do this in a text message. I don't want to do this over the phone. This is something that I want us to get straight before we just...jump back into making the same old mistakes. Ok? I want to see you, Billy. I want you to see me. No secrets. No lies. No surprises. I just want us to talk, ok?"
I have to admit, even though that didn't take the hurt away, it padded the pain a little bit until it became more manageable than it was a few minutes ago. I said, "I'd totally understand if you were mad at me..."
But he's like, "I'm NOT mad at you, Billy. Please don't think that I'm mad. And this has nothing to do with me not loving you anymore, because I do. I really do. I'm just...scared of trying to repair something special when we don't really know what broke it in the first place. I just want us to talk, ok?"
Still feeling a tear or two rolling down my cheek, I said, "Are you sure? You...you just want us to talk?"
He said, "Just want us to talk. That's it. ok?" I told him that it was ok, and we decided to meet at the Hill tomorrow afternoon around 2 o'clock tomorrow. I still don't know what this talk is about, or if I should feel any easier about the contents of this discussion that couldn't be done over the phone...but after a week of hearing absolutely nothing from him at all and thinking the absolute worst...I'll take that as a good sign. I was desperate enough to take anything short of 'I fucking HATE you' as a plus in the win column. That short conversation was enough to let me breathe again. To dry my tears. To add some healing salve to my injured heart. Just those few words...and all was right with the world again.
When we hung up the phone...I wasn't going to say it. I wasn't going to pressure him into having to say it back to me. It would have been fake if he just did it to keep me from bawling like a baby. So I was just like, "Ok...well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then. K? Promise."
But this time, even though he hesitated for a split second...Brandon said, "Ok. I'll be there. And Billy? I love you, ok? I love you soooo much. I'm sorry if you thought I was blowing you off. I wasn't."
It almost didn't seem fair, you know? All that pain and anger and impatient pacing back and forth...all that emotional punishment that he had put me through all week long...
...And he made it all better with a three minute conversation. That tingle returned to my heart, the spark was reignited, and my body instantly began to relax as I sighed to myself and leaned back on the couch to let it all sink in.
I thought about that dream, and it was like...suddenly...a magic door had finally made itself visible, and Brandon opened it for me himself, allowing me to walk inside and join the party. He let me in, smiled, gave me a hug, and made me feel welcome again.
It's been a seriously strange day, but maybe I needed that. I now have an even deeper understanding of how much Brandon means to me and how important it is for me to not mess this up. Because if one boy can screw me up THIS bad in a period of seven days...hehehe, it MUST be true love!
Ugh...Jesus, look at me. I'm still all teary eyed and weird about this. Ok, I'm going to stop writing now. I'm sure I'll have a ton to talk about tomorrow.
I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up, but I can't really help it. Let's just hopethat things go according to plan.
He said he loved me. Heh...I heard him.
Alright, let me stop now. I'm such a basket case over that boy.
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