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It was hard to shake myself out of sleep the next morning. Especially after being scared half to death by Joel stumbling into my room at 2 AM in some lame attempt to 'sneak' into the house after hours. Either my mom was too tired to hear him come in last night, or she was just too tired to care this morning. Either way, it took a while to get back to sleep. And those few moments of frustration felt like they cost me an entire night's worth of sleep.
Not that I was going to need my stamina for much more than detention anyway, in one form or another. I rolled over in bed, trying to absorb the last little bit of heat from my warm morning blankets as I could, and I saw Joel slowly waking up on the floor next to the bed. He lazily gave me a crooked grin as he rubbed his eyes. I giggled a bit and said, "What the hell did you think you were doing last night?"
"You heard me?"
"Dude...half the fucking NEIGHBORHOOD heard you. You scared me half to death."
"Why didn't you say something?"
"Like what? 'Hey, idiot, I'm trying to sleep?' I kinda thought you'd be able to figure that out at two o'clock in the morning." I said.
"Damn. My bad, dude. I was trying to 'get some' last night."
"Gee, that's orginal." I said, rolling my eyes. "So did you get any?"
"No!" He pouted slightly. "I went over to Johnny Rourke's house, cause I hear his sister is kinda digging me, right? Now, Johnny's a total lightweight when it comes to drinking, but I heard that his sister can hold her own a lot better. So all of us are kinda sitting around, getting kinda toasty, you know? Things are going just like they're supposed to. Johnny gets fucked up first, and he's getting ready to pass out, leaving me and his sister all uninhibited and ready to party, you know?"
"And this is the part when things go wrong, right?" I asked.
"I don't know what the hell happened, but the room starts spinning and I realize that I kinda was going a little too hard on the drinks. I'm basically getting ready to slide right off of the couch, and she asks me if I'm ok. I don't want her to know I'm that buzzed, and I certainly don't wanna puke or I won't get her to let me suck her tits, right? So I lay back for a second, and tell her that I'm fine, and I just wanna close my eyes for a second. Just to keep the room from spinning. Next thing I know, it's one o'clock in the morning, the whole house is dark, she's gone to bed without me, and I'm laying on the couch with my head in fucking Johnny Rourke's lap."
"Hehehe, serves you right, ya pervert. Johnny Rourke's sister is like two years older than you."
"Yeah....she's built like it too." He snickered. Sometimes that boy is SO hopelessly straight.
"Whatever. Just...be a little bit more discreet when you come in from now on, will ya? My mom might seem like a hard sleeper, but she can be kind of a curfew hound....guest or no guest."
"Don't worry, I'll be totally stealth-like next time." He said. Then, he sat up a bit. "Hey....what is that?"
"What is what?" I asked him.
"That. On your hand. What is that?" I looked at my hand and told him there wasn't anything on it. "Yes there is. It's right there." I looked again, and he said, "Here, give me your hand." He took a hold of my wrist, and with a jerk, he suddenly pulled it down and pressed it against his morning hardon!
"GROSS! What the fuck?" I giggled, pulling my hand back as quickly as possible. Joel immediately cracked up and rolled over on his side laughing. "Hehehe, JERK! It's not funny!" I said, but couldn't stop laughing myself. I do have to admit though...he was a bit bigger than I thought he would be. I mean, I didn't expect to have his boner in my hand all of the sudden, but now that I think about it, I wish I had given it a nice little squeeze or two. It was all hard and warm, and it bounced when my palm covered it. Hehehe, God, am I being weird or what? "That's it, I'm getting dressed."
Joel kept laughing at me as I got out of bed and gave him a kick for being obnoxious. Then I grabbed some clothes and went into the bathrom to get cleaned up. But not before hearing Joel say, "Ya big ol' fag! Hehehe!" I gave him the finger on my way out, but somehow...that just felt like his comment was a bit more obscene than usual. I don't know, maybe it was just me. I mean...Joel was being his usual goofy self, right? He's not being intentionally rude or hateful when he says stuff like that, but...this morning, I kinda took it to heart. Maybe all this 'coming out' talk from Tanner has gotten me all backwards.
I hopped in the shower and let the warm water run down over my shoulders. You would think that the quiet moment would bring me some peace of mind, but it didn't. Not at all. In fact...having time to think only made things worse. I'd rather stay too busy to worry about much of anything. My identity is on the line here. My whole world, my entire life, from this point on will be radically different if Chris so much as utters a WORD about me and Tanner being gay. To anybody! I mean...he's already got a great deal of mindless followers at that school as it is. And the fact that they totally HATE me, as well as most of the rich kids in that damn place do...it would be open season on me for the rest of my academic career! No certificate of appreciation would keep them from spitting on me in the hallways if they knew I was even more of an outcast than what they made of me for being...um....'not' rich. Over something like this??? They'll fucking ROAST me and feed me to the volleyball team! I just.....arrrgh....I've got to find a way to appeal to SOMETHING in Chris that misses me! Or at least cares enough to not want to hurt me. The bad news is...I don't know how to find that particular part of him anymore. It's, like....gone. And I chased it away.
There's nothing like pouting and nuturing your regrets in the shower to start off a day in high school. Perfect mindset for me to have when entering the academic prison system. Sighhhh....I need to just swallow it up and get myself together. The last thing I want is for Chris and his goons to see how much this is getting to me. I should be counting my blessings, honestly. At least Chris has kept his retaliation to the school grounds. It hasn't come 'home' just yet, and that means that my mom won't be involved. At least not yet she won't. I just wish that I didn't have to stress over this anymore. And...and I wish I hadn't hurt him so badly. I mean, let's be honest, that's what all of this is about, isn't it? I could have told Chris to back off a long time ago and just put a stop to it before it even started. Even HIS determination would have given way to common sense by the time his heart had really gotten involved. But...I let it go on and on. I just...I liked it, you know? He was cute and he was funny and he was chasing me all over town, trying to get my attention...my ego just kinda got involved and I let him think...I mean, we were friends, but I didn't think...
Sighhhhh.....I'm so screwed.
When I got out of the shower and went back into my room, Joel was ready to take a shower of his own and 'pretend' to be spending another day at school. God knows how he can kill so many hours for so many consecutive days in a row. As much as I detest spending 80 percent of my life in school, I honestly don't know what I'd do with myself if I wasn't there. "It's about time, shower boy." He said with a little push and a smile, and he went into the bathroom and closed the door.
I could smell my mom making toast and eggs downstairs, and the first whiff of that morning aroma was enough to instantly get my stomach growling. I trotted into the kitchen, giving my mom a kiss on the cheek as she handed me a plate. "Butter's in the fridge." She said. She still had her old morning robe on...and she just looked so...'faded'. Her hair was dry and kinda had split ends everywhere, and there were dark circles under her eyes. She looked like she was half sleepwalking, and when I sat down at the table, I had to push aside a collection of bills and envelopes just to have a place to eat. Those bills were getting more and more colorful by the week. The closer they get to that all powerful 'final notice', the more the colors of the bills get. From white paper, to yellow, to pink, to red. And when they go back to white again...that's when you know you're in trouble. That usually means, 'We just cut off your electricity. Deal with it, deadbeat.' My mom looked at the table, and came over to gather some of the papers up. "Sorry. I'm just trying to figure things out, honey." She sat down with some toast herself and lightly spread some butter over it. "Do you want jelly?" She asked, getting up to go to the fridge.
I almost didn't want to say it. "Um...we're out."
"Oh....I see." She sat back down and paused for a second, no emotion showing on her face. Then she snapped out of it, and saw me watching. She gave me a little smile, "I'll bring some packets home from work for tomorrow, k? Do we need anything else? Ketchup, mustard, mayonaisse?" I shook my head. "You sure? I'll bring some home anyway. You never know, right?" She took a bite of her toast, and things were quiet for a moment. Then she said something that seemed completely out of the blue. "You know, it's been while since you've seen your gramma and grandpa, right? Maybe we could set up something where you could go for a little visit, huh? We could both go. Together."
What? I didn't understand. "Um...ok..." I said quietly.
"It wouldn't be for long. Just a little bit. Grandpa could drive you back and forth to school. No more school bus." She looked down at the table when she said it, but kept a somewhat upbeat tone of voice. Like she was trying to 'sell' me on the idea. "They've got some room in the basement. You could take a tv down there, and it'll be like having your own place. Your gramma can make you those blueberry pancakes you liked so much."
It was an awkward moment, to say the least. But, to avoid the risk of possibly hurting her feelings, I simply too another bite of my toast, and a forkfull of eggs, and nodded my head. "Well...yeah. Sure. I guess." But I really didn't want to go. I certainly hope that she wasn't making any plans to do me the favor of living with my grandparents while she sat here in this house all by herself and starved and struggled all alone. I wouldn't allow it. If she NEEDS my help, why doesn't she just ASK me? You know? Shit...I've got to find a way to get a job. Somebody around here has got to hire help under the age of 16. If I wait two whole years to get a job, we'll BOTH be homeless.
We heard a few bumps upstairs as Joel came out of the shower and went into my room to get dressed. There was another silence, and that's when my mom asked me, "So when are you planning to tell me what's going on with Joel?"
"Joel? My friend, Joel? Nothing. Nothing's going on." I said, trying to practically bury my face in my breakfast to avoid the question.
"Derrick..." She said, a stern vibration creeping into her voice. "...Talk to me."
"There's nothing going on, Mom. Really. Joel just misses me, that's all. If you're talking about last night, he totally apologized for it when I mentioned it to him." She wrinkled up her forehead for a second, and I realized that maybe I should just keep my mouth shut about that particular incident. "We'll be quiet. I swear."
"That's not what I'm talking about, Derrick." She said. "Is Joel....is he in some kind of trouble?"
"Mom...."
"Because if he's in trouble, we can get him some help. You just have to talk to me."
"He doesn't need any help, ok?" I said.
"What does his mother think about him spending so much time over here?"
"She doesn't care, ok? Just....leave it alone. Joel's just fine. He just wanted to get way from things for a while." I said, almost agitated by the fact that she wouldn't let it go.
"Well, I'd kinda like to hear that from her, if you don't mind."
"NO!" I said outloud. My eyes widened for a split second and I looked back down at my breakfast as I realized how 'panick stricken' I sounded when she mentioned talking to Joel's mom. "Just....don't. Ok, Mom? Promise me?" She leaned back in her chair and folded her arms. "Please? Look...we just wanted some time to catch up and be friends again. He's going to school every morning. You see him get dressed up and leave. He's not making any trouble. I just wanna spend some time with my best friend, ok? Seriously."
Her face did not look happy. "I don't like this, Derrick. I don't like it one bit." She said.
"It's just for another day or two. K? Then he'll be gone. You'll see." I don't know how in the hell I planned to have Joel's problems with his mom all wrapped up and 'sitcom solved' in the next day or two...but if I could just get an extention from her, at least I'd get a chance to think up another excuse for him to stay a bit longer. I can't just 'turn him in'. His mom is messing with drugs. The second somebody finds out that she's 'unfit', or whatever, they'll send her to mandatory rehab. And once that happens, they'll shove Joel in the first low budget group home for boys that they can find in his area. And his area isn't exactly Beverly Hills. I can't do that to him. I gave him my word that I'd help him out, and that's just what I'm gonna do. After all the times he stuck up for me growing up...I owe him that much.
I managed to get out of the house without too many more questions being thrown my way. I was extremely lucky, but I know my mom, and she won't just 'forget' about this. She respects my need for some privacy, and she won't push as long as she doesn't see any immediate threats in what I'm doing. But she doesn't like being in the dark, and she simply won't tolerate being lied to. So I'm walking a very thin line here, and I won't be able to balance on it for too much longer without giving her a little info about what's going on here. Sighhh, great. Like I need to worry about THIS right now!
I had to leave to catch the bus just as Joel was coming downstairs. I didn't have time to explain, but I gave him a signal to warn him to stay away from my mom if he wanted to escape the interrogation. He sorta nodded, put his shoes on, and left the same time as I did. We've gotta work something out soon, or this whole plan is gonna go to shit.
I seriously missed Tanner's presence on the bus that day. It hurt my heart everytime we passed his stop...and just kept driving. It would still be a couple of days before he was re-added to the bus route, and I'm sure that it was going to hate every minute of transportation until then. Looking up from my sulking shoulders...I saw the window across the aisle from me...where I used to watch him every morning. Where I used to see the hidden sadness in his eyes, giving such a raw sense of 'personality' to his untouchable beauty. I remember how the sun used to shine on his face, and how soft his hair looked, and amazing his lips were. His clothes were always just so clean and perfect, and his eyes would almost glow with this special shade of hazel green that has to be witnessed to be believed. I sighed as I thought about the way his silky hair would gently sweep back and forth across his cheeks as the bus would start and stop on the way to school. I was so infatuated and so intimidated at the same time. It was almost like a dream, just being close enough to him to stare blankly, silently wishing that I could get the courage to speak to him. There's no greater magic in the world than having that feeling rattling around in the pit of your stomach with every breath you take.
Since then...Tanner has become more to me than wods will ever describe. He has toched my heart and soul in ways that I doubt that I could ever expect anybody else to understand. There are a lot of cute boys at my school, some that might even be more attractive than Tanner is. And Chris is extremely hot by most standards....and he was wiling to do anything to make me happy. But....not ONE of those boys are my Tanner. NONE of them. They just....they don't count, you know? There's no explanation for it, no logic to it, no 'cure' for its symptoms...I'm just in love. I'm in love with the boy that I WANT. And he loves me too. That alone makes me blissfully happy every day of my life. Even during the hard times, he's my light in the dark, he's the one thing that reminds me that better days are ahead. Despite all the bullshit, and the money, and the social judgement, surrounding us...he was willing to fight for me, even with his own parents...just to keep me close. And I was willing to do the same for him. We've come a long way from me staring at him while he stared out of that bus window every weekday morning...but the feeling hasn't changed. And it never will. We traded hearts, and that love isn't going ANYWHERE....ever. No matter what people try to do to split us up, I'm not going to let my only joy go.
And I take comfort in knowing that. I really do.
The bus pulled into the school gates, and let us all off. I didn't bother to take much with me to school except for reading material for detention and whatever small workbook materials I needed for class. But when I reported directly to the detention hall and sat down for my first period of 'broken heart punishment'...I got a bit of a surprise. "Derrick, what are you doing in my detention hall today, son?" The monitor said.
I gave him a lazy look, and told him, "I'm on your list, sir."
He looked it over. "I don't see your name."
"Trust me....it's on there."
"Trust me....it's not." He replied, showing me the clipboard. I was confused...but it looked like I was actually...FREE today. "Out. Go to class."
"Are....are you sure?" I asked.
"Do you WANT to stay in my detention hall....?"
"NO! No...I'm gone. Thanks. I mean...yeah...THANKS!" I said, and quickly rushed out of the room before he had a chance to double check and keep me anyway.
The morning bell had already rung, so I was left to walk the empty halls by myself until I got to my next class. A million thoughts went through my mind. Wondering if maybe my little talk with Chris yesterday had actually helped him to see the light. Maybe he's seen the light is willing to give me a break. I KNEW that there was some goodness left in him somewhere! I KNEW IT!!! I mean, he couldn't just hate me forever, right? Maybe he'll back off and just accept things the way they are. Maybe we can even go back to being friends after he takes some time to lick his wounds a bit more.
Then...I thought a bit more about the situation...
Wait...what if this is BAD? What if Chris is setting me up for something even MORE terrible and MORE humiliating than detention could ever be??? He's doing this to throw me off, isn't he? I'll bet he is. He's gonna get me to let my defenses down, and then he's gonna slam me with something HARSH! I've gotta be ready for anything. I mean, literally ANYTHING! For all I know, he could be waiting in this hallway to push me into an empty classroom and have his groupies work me over with pipes and wrenches from the janitor's closet.
It was something that worried me all morning, as I went from class to class without any trouble from my teachers whatsoever. What gives here? Something is completely going bonkers here. What...did Chris take a 'day off' from his torture or something?
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