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Complete, and total, and utterly blissful joy.
There was no other way to truly even BEGIN to describe what I was experiencing in my life since yesterday...the afternoon that I spent in Brody's arms. Sometimes I'll just think about it, and I'll begin to shake to the point where I have to reach out and hold on to something to keep from falling over. It's like my body was so overwhelmed with love and excitement that I was physically dizzy from the sensation. My body has never been so haywire, so terribly out of control, before! I mean...sometimes I'll be watching tv, and end up staring blankly at the wall for five minutes straight before I even realize that I'm doing it. Sometimes I'll spontaneously smile until I can't hold the snickers back any more, and I start giggling to myself like some kind of maniac. And sometimes...when the idea of this really being 'real' hits me...I'll have to get up and leave the room, before the waterworks start. Actual tears begin to rain down from my eyes, and I get so jittery inside that I can hardly breathe, and I have to run and hide before my mom starts thinking I'm going plum crazy.
But...that's what Brody's love does to me. I can't help it. I can't stop it. I can't breathe without it. It just...it's effortlessly taken over soooo much of my life. Every single moment of my waking consciousness has been officially dedicated to this beautiful boy and how he makes me feel inside. How his sweet little smile can throw me into a fit of laughter or a state of confusion so wonderful that I can't help but wrap it around me like a warm blanket and just enjoy it for what it is. I didn't want to fall for him. I tried SO hard not to open myself up so recklessly to a feeling that would render me so helpless. I tried. I TRIED! But there was no escaping his magnetic pull on my heart. It was soooo strong. It made you weak to try to fight it. His beauty was too much to handle. His personality was to adorable to deny. And his kiss? Wow...just the feel of his soft lips pushed up against mine was a sensation that contained all of the world's magic in just one moment of contact. It was hard to sit still anymore. My energy was burning out of control, and laughing to myself in short bursts was the only thing I could do to relieve some of that building pressure. It was like being insane, only better.
The funny thing is, even my dad seemed to back off of me when he saw the look on my face. I would sometimes catch him staring at me, but I was so in love that it really didn't have any effect. He could have literally punched me in the face, and I doubt that I'd feel a thing. Something about me not being constantly intimidated by his very presence seemed to make me immune to his petty games. And that only succeeded in making me feel even better.
It was Sunday night, almost 2 o'clock in the morning, and I couldn't sleep. I was laying on my back, feeling that giggly rattle in the pit of my stomach, and trying to keep from smiling long enough to go to sleep. I thought I'd literally float away if I didn't hold on tight to that blanket. I couldn't even close my eyes. I was having too much fun staring at the ceiling. It's a strange feeling, wanting to stay awake because your real life is just too fucking incredible for your dreams to match up. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not for anything.
Why didn't I...like...DO more with him??? Like...why didn't I just...arrrgh! I should have totally gotten naked with him and just...sighhhh. Why did I just lay there in his arms? I could have at LEAST 'felt him up' or put my finger in him somewhere or SOMETHING! I just...laid there and cried and snuggled and cried some more like some stupid baby doll! He must think I'm such a nutcase. A total loser. I wonder if he's laughing at me right now. I'll just bet that he doesn't come to Adam's house tomorrow. I'll bet he doesn't want to hang out with us anymore. Not after I totally disgraced myself in front of him like that.
Yeah...as always, the voices in my head started to pick at me and tear shreds of flesh off with every nasty comment and so-called truth. But you wanna know something...where I used to have no protection from their heartbreaking influence before, I no had a vision of Brody laying there on the bed with me, completely silent, his arm around my shoulders...pulling me closer to him as I muffled my boyish whimpers into the side of his neck...and I felt ok. I still felt like an IDIOT for making a bigger move on him when I had a chance...but I think I did alright. You know...considering.
Hehehe, sorry. I'm so NEW at this 'feeling good' thing.
I wondered what his kiss would be like if I just...held my lips to his for a really long time. Like...an HOUR next time! Oh wait...no, not an hour. An hour is too long. Who kisses for an entire hour. That's stupid. I'm stupid. Ok...but like...ten minutes. Yeah. Just straight kissing, with tongues and hugging and everything. Oh man, next time, I wanna totally touch his curls when I do it. Brody's big soft brown curls would, like, seriously turn me on even more. Sliding all between my fingers and stuff. And I wanna touch his butt too. I didn't get a chance to think about that yesterday. I'll bet it's kinda soft, but kinda firm at the same time, you know? Like with some muscle, but it's still smooth and squeezable. His neck smelled so good. I wonder what kind of soap he uses. And shampoo, because it was like scentless soap and fragrant shampoo mixed together with his natural aroma. And Brody always smells good, no matter what. I remember rubbing my nose on his neck, and his skin was so awesome. I wish he had kissed me some more. I wish I had kissed HIM some more. I wish...I wish I could stop THINKING about this long enough to get to sleep! Hehehe!
But...I CAN'T!!! I really CAN'T!!! And it feels so amazing that I think I'm gonna fucking SCREAM!!!
I rolled over onto my stomach, the biggest grin imaginable on my face, and I tried my best to quietly muffle a long involuntary whimper with my pillow. I felt that trembling sensation in my chest, my heart pumping pure nitro to every 'feel good' nerve ending in my body, and I started to whimper some more until I was actually laughing and half screaming into my pillow while kicking my legs on the mattress. Why can't I contain this feeling? Why can't it settle down just for a little while? Omigod...and I thought I knew what love was about. I had NO idea! NONE! If this is love...I don't know how ANYBODY can smile without it!
"Zack?" My mom knocked lightly, opening my bedroom door. I instantly stopped kicking and my head shot up.
"Um...yeah?"
"Are you ok in here honey? I thought I heard screaming."
My face was red and blushed, my hair a laughable mess, from being buried in my pillow. But I tried to catch my breath for a second before answering her. "Uhhh...I didn't...I didn't hear anything."
She looked at me sideways for a moment, my sheets in a complete disarray. I saw a little smirk on her face. "What are you doing in here?"
"Nothing, Mom!" I said, feeling the giggles getting out of control again. Ugh! Get out! Get out, get out, get out! Leave me to my fit of infatuated hysteria so I can burn up some of this adrenaline and get some sleep. "Hehehe, go already. I'm just...I gotta get some sleep. That's all."
Her smile widened a bit as she wrinkled up her forehead. "Are you sure you're ok in here?"
I held my breath, but ended up just spitting out more giggles anyway. "Hehehehehe...I'm SURE! Go! Hahaha! Let me sleep already!" I quickly turned away from her and pulled the cover up over my head as I tried to keep myself from quivering to the point of melting into a big lump of softened jello.
I think my mom was extremely happy to see me so cheerful. And before closing the door back, she hurried over to my bed, and kissed me lovingly on the cheek through the blanket. "Hehehe, g'night honey."
"Night, Mom." I snickered, still under the covers, and waited for her to close the door again before pulling the blanket back down and getting some fresh air again. But instead of being done with my little outburst and getting ready to pass out for the night...I rolled right over onto my back again...to think about Brody some more with a smile.
This CAN'T be healthy!
The next morning was a bit groggy in the beginning but a morning shower did wonders to wake me up. Besides, I found myself getting extremely nervous once I wrapped my mind around the idea of actually seeing Brody face to face again. On one hand, I was practically bouncing on my heels, waiting impatiently until I got to see that glorious smile again. But...on the other hand, I was almost knocking my knees together in blinding fear at the thought that he might not be feeling the same exact way about seeing ME.
It's a strange effect that a sudden drop in self esteem can have on you. It's like it robs you of all your courage, and takes all of your memories...even the GOOD ones...and twists them into an illusion that doesn't really fit what happened at all. What if he doesn't like me like that? What if it was a trick? What if...what if he was just being nice to me because I was crying? Why the FUCK do I CRY so much??? Boys don't cry! SISSIES cry! I don't wanna be some dumb sissy. I wanna be...somebody that Brody will totally flip over. I wanna be something he can be...you know...proud of.
I had NO idea what to wear! No matter what I put on, it all felt awkward and wrong. I never really had to care this much about how I looked. God, I hope I made the right decision. I hope he likes this one. Ugh! Ok...I'm gonna go with what I'm wearing now. I'm gonna...I'm gonna stop looking in the mirror now. Just..walk away. Ok...I'm walking away now. Then, only five steps out of my bedroom door, I ran back in to take just ONE more peek at my clothes and hair. FUCK! I've gotta change!
"Zack? Breakfast." My mom called out to me. Awww...I should really change. I should put on...no...forget it. I look fine. Ok. Alright. I'm being stupid again. It's just Brody. He'll understand if I look like a dork, right? Right. I finally grabbed my backpack and set it by the front door next to my shoes. I should have wiped my shoes off or something. They look kinda dusty. My mom sat a plate of microwave French Toast in front of me, with a few strips of bacon, and saw me staring at my shoes from the table. "If only I could get you to concentrate on your homework as much as you are those shoes over there, I might get an honor roll student bumper sticker for the car once in a while." She was teasing, and it made me grin. But, let's be honest. Everything made me grin at the moment. Why should this be any different?
Then...HE walked in, and it felt like a dark and murky cloud of smoke just dropped down over the whole room. My smile faded, and I just tried to look down at my plate of food. As long as I avoid eye contact, he should leave me alone. At least through breakfast.
He turned the radio on, gave my mom a kiss, and grabbed himself some breakfast as well, sitting down at the table across from me. I didn't dare look up, not even when my mom brought him his coffee. I gazed at the shine of my fork, and the bacon strips on the plate, and the way my French toast would slowly push the thick pools of syrup back and forth. But I could feel his eyes on me. A nasty look that was trying to figure me out, like 'what the hell are YOU so happy about'? I could feel myself shrinking further and further into my seat, trying to hide it. Trying to erase all traces of the joy that Brody had brought to my life. If my father found it, if he found any evidence of happiness at all in my demeanor...he'd crush it. He'd reach out an angry hand, and suffocate it in his grasp, until it was gone for good. I just wanted to hold onto this feeling for a little while. That's all. So I hid it away from his sight. Like a helpless baby bird, caressed in my cupped hands, hoping to keep it safe for as long as I could from him.
He continued to stare at me, and I started to eat faster. I don't know what I was doing, but there was something about me that was instigating him even more so than usual. I needed to get out of there. I needed to run. What am I doing? Why can't I stop making him HATE me??? STUPID, Zack! Knock it off!!! Why can't I just ONCE be smart enough to dodge hi temper? I peeked up from my plate, and he looked me right in the eye as he took a sip of his coffee. I'm making it WORSE! Stop it, Zack! STOP IT!
Then, after my mother left the room to get dressed for work...he said, quite calmly, "You know what? I want you to clean up the basement this weekend."
I timidly took another peek at him, trying to be as innocent and non-confrontational as I could be. "Wha-what?" I asked softly.
"The basement. I want you to clean it out. It's getting hard to walk around down there. I want it swept out and organized."
He was doing it on purpose. I could tell. Anything to keep me from having fun with my friends on the weekend. "How...how long will that take?"
"That doesn't concern me. It shouldn't concern you either. It needs to be done. All of it. The whole basement." He said, a sense of satisfaction in his voice from taking my joy away from me. "I'm gonna ask the landlord if he wants you to do his storage space too. The place is filthy." He pretended not to care, but he was silently waiting for me to protest, or to whine, or to pout. Anything to know that he got to me. Anything to know that it hurt. Just so he could use it as an excuse later. I just looked back down at my plate, and tried to wash away any ideas about going back over to Brody's house on Saturday.
"Ok....." I mumbled.
"Say what?" He asked, putting his coffee mug down.
"Ahem...ok..." I said a bit louder this time.
"Alright then."
Normally, I would have spent the next couple of minutes trying to untangle the merciless knots forming in my stomach from having to swallow soooo much pride and anger, just to sit at the same table with that son of a bitch. But this time? This time, I thought back to how comfortable it felt to be wrapped up in Brody's embrace. To have his body heat mix with mine, and have his fingertips slide back and forth across my arm...just a few inches in each direction. I thought about the sound of his heart beating, as I rested my head on his chest, and saw the gentle rise and fall of his soft stomach as he breathed beneath me. And that mysterious aroma in the side of his neck, filling me up as I inhaled it over and over again. I thought about the delicate little giggle that came out of him when we rubbed our sock feet together, and the tender kisses he placed on the top of my head, holding me so close, but never asking me for anything more. Yeah...that image, that feeling, that moment in time...it simply overpowered every bullshit drop of emotional poison that he could possibly force down my throat. And it kept me strong. That alone kept me sane.
My mom came back in the kitchen, putting her earrings on, looking professional in a fashionable red business suit. I was finishing up my last few bites of food when she said, "Shouldn't you be getting over to Adam's soon? I thought you guys always met up before school?"
Adam!!! Oh SHIT!!! I COMPLETELY forgot that he totally HATED me right now for ditching him this weekend! I was so busy being all mushy over Brody that I didn't even call yesterday to straighten things out between us! What if Brody goes over there and Adam starts bitching him out over what happened? What if he doesn't want me to walk with them today? Awww...I can't go without my Brody fix!!! Adam won't hold a grudge for long...but any time away from my new shining light is like an eternity engulfed in the fires of Hell itself! "Mmmph! I gotta go!" I mumbled with my mouth full of food. My father watched me shove everything on that plate into my face, and rush to take the plate over to the sink to run some water in it. I think my sudden reaction surprised them both, as I would never get that excited about going to SCHOOL! But I didn't have time to explain, and I certainly didn't have time to make up an alternate excuse. So I just slipped my dusty shoes on and grabbed myself before the fog of confusion wore off and they started asking questions.
My mom asked me, "Zack...what about your sling? Take it with you. The doctor said..."
"That's ok, Mom. My arm feels fine. I swear."
"That's not the point, honey. We want it to heal right. You're going to aggravate it."
"It's fine. Really. I don't wanna wear that thing anyway. I'm not hurt. I look like a 'faggot' with that thing on." You know...I don't think that I even realized that I had said that out loud until I saw the look of horror on my mother's face. "Sorry." I said, subliminally mimicking my father's words about me almost perfectly.
"Don't USE that word in this house! Do you understand me? That's an awful word, Zack." She said, and a sense of shame nearly weighed me down to the floor as my eyes drooped down to my shoes. "Take the sling with you."
"But Mom..."
"Take it. Go on. And take the trash with you, ok?" She said, handing me the blue sling. I put it on right there in the kitchen, but I peeked over at my father, who was shooting daggers at me for being such a helpless little baby about it. Just one look from him could make you feel so worthless sometimes, you know? It just felt like it injected ice water into your veins and frost into your lungs. I hated myself for appearing so wounded in front of him. Even MORE SO for appearing so weak in front of my mom. I HATED being injured! I don't know what the hell was wrong with me! I'm better than this. I've been through worse. Why did my stupid fucking shoulder have to dislocate anyway? That's a 'sissy' injury! Stupid.
I looked at the clock, and I was running late. So I swung my backpack over my good shoulder, and grabbed the trash on my way out.
I had a lot of weirdness on my mind at the time that I hurried down the back steps to the ground, but screw it. I've gotta get over to Adam's and fix this before Brody makes his way over there first. I'm gonna make Adam listen to me if it kills me. He's gonna sit there, and he's gonna take whatever I tell him about my arm as the truth, and he's gonna stop asking questions and respecting my privacy or I'm gonna....I'm gonna....
I'm gonna fucking BEG him to forgive me before Brody comes over and sees us fighting! Today is too damn important to throw it away on stupid pride! I'll get down on my hands and knees and literally BEG him to just let it go! Anything to be next to Brody again without this shit weighing on my mind. This is the first time I've seen him since we kissed on 'purpose'! How he reacts to me today determines EVERYTHING!!! God, I hope he likes me! PLEASE God...PLEASE let him like me!!! I'll forget everything else! Give AL of my blessings and good luck to someone else who needs it more than I do! Just please...PLEASE give me this ONE thing!!! *PLEASE*???
I think I prayed all the way over there, and my heart was spasming from the nervousness I felt as I rang the doorbell. I put both of my hands behind my back, and bounced on my feet as I crossed my fingers and waited for Adam to answer the door.
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