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Climbing into bed with Chris that night was....difficult, to say the least. He was snoring soooo loud, his breath was ripe with alcohol, and his hair messy and reeking of sweat and cigarette smoke from running around with those miscellaneous 'people' in our room all afternoon. Even when I had gotten back from my walk, they were still there, shouting for no reason and looking for dumb reasons to laugh at things that weren't even remotely funny. It was SO annoying! And embarrassing me in front of Devon was just too much. I came back into the dorm room and pretty much just locked myself in the bedroom until everybody left. Was I mad? Of course I was mad! Chris was being a total JERK today, and the worst part was...he was having so much fun doing it that he barely noticed me avoiding him and his boozer friends from down the hall. Like...what difference could I possibly make when they're just...lost in their stupid little 'moment', you know?
And now, here I was, trying to roll away from the stench of him, as though I'd ever be able to avoid the noise. I just couldn't scoot over far enough to get away from him in our bed to be comfortable. Finally, it got to the point where I just had to pick up my pillow and decided to sleep out on the couch...provided THAT wasn't soaked in liquor and smoke as well. I just couldn't take any more. You know? Yuck.
It was then that something strange happened. It was dark, and I was hopelessly frustrated, so it might have just been a momentary lapse in judgment. But....when I turned around...and I looked down at Chris sleeping there...sighhhh....I don't know. He seemed like such a stranger to me all of the sudden. I mean...I was looking at this familiar face, and this familiar sexy body, and could clearly remember our hot times together and what they meant to me at the time. But...for some odd reason, everything that I thought I knew or loved about him was gone. In an instant. It freaked me out for a moment. It was like I had to 'search' my memories and look for something happy just to keep from...hating him. Is that stupid, or what? Trying to find a sane reason to not be totally disgusted with my own boyfriend for what he did today? I just...I didn't like what I saw in front of me, and I didn't know why I couldn't get that wonderful feeling of satisfaction back again.
The feeling sat in the bottom of my stomach as I went out to the living room couch. It was as though I had just swallowed an entire six pack of soda without opening the cans first. It was like this intense build up of questions that I suddenly couldn't find the answers to any more. Nor could I find anyone to answer them for me. I didn't understand. This is CHRIS! This is my boyfriend! This is the reason that I've been so unbelievably happy in college the past few months. This is the reason I wake up smiling every morning. He's my friend, and my lover, and my companion. We have plans made. We have a FUTURE together...don't we? I mean...arrrgh....this is supposed to fucking 'work'. It's supposed to make me grin from ear to ear and float on a cloud of joy, day in and day out. Without question. EVER! And I...I love him. So...if all that is true, and love is what it's supposed to be....
...Then why, while standing here in a room with a half naked adonis who would gladly wake up and make love to me right NOW if I asked him to, do I feel so utterly alone?
What's worse...why has Devon become the only cure that I can think of for that loneliness?
I grabbed an extra blanket, and took it with me. The cushions definitely had the 'party aroma' in them, but when I turned them all over, it was a little more bearable. I lay there, staring up at the ceiling in the dark, still hearing Chris calling hogs from the other room in his sleep. I just wanted to lose consciousness for a while. Be away from here. Away from my thoughts. Away from my life, really. Thinking only makes things all the more weird. And the confusion only leads to more thinking. I wanted it to stop, just for a little while.
I felt stuck. Because my mind was filled with little flashes of Devon's beauty. And I'm not just talking about his 'looks'. I'm talking about...sighhh...the way he looks away from you when he giggles. Or...the way he always stretches his legs way out in front of his desk in class when he's comfortable. Or, like...the really cute way he sometimes brushes his long blond hair out of his eyes using only two fingers...pulling it back gently...and letting the splendor of his soft hazel eyes shine through unhindered. OR...like the way his voice always gets just a little bit more raspy whenever he pays someone a compliment. Like...like...he's nervous about having them hear it and really appreciate it. So many cute habits. And I never miss a single detail. Never. I sat there in the dark, thinking about him and his quirky little habits and his mind-blowing smile...and I just wished that I could stop. I wish that I honestly WANTED to stop. But he had such a deep rooted hold on me that I couldn't let him go. And the more I thought about Chris...the more I hated him for not being...well...Devon.
Bad thoughts to sleep on, believe me.
I'm not sure when I drifted off to sleep, but the peace and quiet provided by a bit of isolation hit me pretty hard. I pretty much 'fainted' from fatigue at that point. So waking up to daylight was a surprise. The room was so much brighter than before, and the second I opened the blinds...the sun poured in and showed the glory of the mess I was standing in. Our dorm room looked like shit, from one wall to the next. Plastic cups on the floor, cigarette ashes mashed into the carpet, half empty beer cans littered all over our kitchen stove and sink, more cigarette ashes sprinkled all over our counter tops...it was quite the immaculate disaster.
My only comfort was that nothing was broken or stolen. At least, not that I know of. I didn't want to have anything to do with cleaning this up. it wasn't my mess, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my idea. Why should I even 'assist' in clearing this garbage out of here? But...something tells me that if I left it for Chris to clean up, it would be days before he even picked up a broom. I don't plan to live in squalor for that long. Sighhh...this just sucks, you know that?
I could hear the sound of the shower as Chris was getting ready to leave for class, and while I was hoping that I'd be rid of all those rotten feelings that I had for him last night...they felt even worse than before. Much like the rest of the apartment, the morning just seemed to illuminate the 'mess' much more clearly. I felt...guilty. Ashamed. Am I actually cheating on my boyfriend by being totally wrapped in someone else? Is it Devon's perfection that makes me look at Chris with such...disgust? And who's to say Devon is perfection, anyway? I mean, I thought the same thing about Chris at one time, didn't I? Maybe it's just one of those 'grass is always greener' situations, where I just want what I can't have. Maybe I'm just building up some dumb fantasy in my head. I have a good thing here. I made a commitment to him, and I should stick around. That's it. End of story.
My mind got to working out the kinks, and I thought that I should use some of this deep thinking on my story. It was one of those moments when I just felt the inspiration hit me all of the sudden, and knew that I had something to say. Something important to add. It was the kind of mood when my writing was at its best. But when I looked at my desk, I remembered that I had disconnected my computer to move it all into the bedroom last night. Arrrgh! It wouldn't take long to reassemble the few parts and get it running, but that small amount of frustration didn't seem worth it at the moment. Maybe I'll just go to the computer lab instead. Hey...maybe Devon is there! I mean...not that it matters...or anything. I don't care either way.
Just then, I heard the shower stop, and Chris was turning off the faucet. You know...it was the strangest fucking thing, but I suddenly felt this weir sense of 'panic' in the pit of my stomach. Like...like I just didn't want to see him right now. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want him to talk to me. I just...I was overwhelmed with this need to get out of that room before he came out of the shower. If he does so much as give me a good morning kiss, I think I'm gonna completely lose it and do something that I know I'll regret later.
I didn't take the time to figure anything out. I just grabbed my notebook and my back pack, and shoved a washcloth in it as well as a travel sized tube of toothpaste and some deodorant. I got dressed as fast as I possibly could, hoping and praying that I'd be completely put together before Chris finished drying off and slipping on his boxers and t-shirt. I rushed and I hurried and I hopped and I stumbled...I even banged my knee against the corner of the closet door. But I didn't cry out. I held my breath and tried to ignore the agony while I slipped on a pair of shoes...no socks. I can clean up in the public dorm bathroom downstairs. Just so long as I don't have to look him in the face when he comes out from behind that bathroom door.
I could hear him moving around a bit, and he slung his damp towel over the rack. I was seriously freaking out here! And I headed for the front door just as I heard Chris come out of the bathroom. "Eli...?" He said, but I pretended not to hear him. I just charged out into the hallway and quickly closed the door behind me. Even though I had left the room, my heart was still pounding hard in my chest, and I kept nervously patting my leg as I waited for the elevator to open up and take me to the ground level.
Did I really just do that? Did I just 'run away' from my own boyfriend? What the hell is the MATTER with me? I fixed my hair as best as I could in the dull reflected image of the elevator doors, and when they opened, I went to the community restroom in the lobby. I had to brush my teeth with my finger, but it was better than nothing. I washed up and got myself together, still wondering what happened back there. Still confused as to what was going through my head. Or better yet, what was going through my heart. It was a spontaneous and irrational act, I know....but...Chris just wasn't Chris any more. At least not to me he wasn't. The boy in that room was some kind of...random stranger. A late night hook up. A one night stand that had gone on for many more nights than it should have. Ugh! What a fucking terrible thing to say about him! That's not cool, not at all. But...was it true?
When all the kisses and the sex and the joy of not being alone any more was taken out of the picture...what was really left for me to enjoy? How satisfying were the leftover scraps that I got once the de-virginizing appeal of him was gone? I mean...did we even have anything in common? I couldn't even tell the last thing we really talked about that went deeper than 'what's on TV?' or 'Wanna get pizza?' I looked at myself in the mirror, and realized that the more I tried to defend our relationship...the less I had to work with. And I felt....lost.
Dear God...I think Devon has single-handedly tossed me out of my own life. Evicted me from my own comfort, and forced me to stand outside in the cold all over again. All alone. Back to wondering if he likes me, wondering if he doesn't like me, if I have a chance with him, if he's gonna break my heart in the end. I thought I was DONE with all of that garbage! I FOUND my happiness! I had it right here in the palm of my hand...and....and I was HAPPY! I'm sure of it! At least...at least I think I was. It's so hard to tell. Everything has gotten so 'complicated' since Devon came along. Please God...don't let me screw up a relationship AND a friendship by having them both leave me! I don't want to ruin this. Just...give me some wisdom here, and help me to make the right decision.
I put everything back in my bag, and made sure to carefully scan the dorm lobby to make sure that Chris wasn't walking through it. I have no idea why. It's not like I'd be able to avoid him for the rest of the semester. I just needed some more time to get my thoughts together so I could come back and make a better attempt at being his boyfriend. That's all. I can do that. It's a crush. It happens to everybody every now and then. I can be stronger than that. No problem. I just need to let it run its course, and then I'll be done with it all. Right? Right. Good. Cool. Ok...now all I've got to do is sneak out of this building without being seen.
Yeah, it felt awkward at first, but as soon as I got out into the morning air and away from the dorms...I started to breathe easier. That's better. At least now I was thinking clearly. I headed towards the computer lab, my thoughts alive with inner conversations and unwritten sentences. It was like my inspiration couldn't wait for my fingers to touch those keys so that it could be represented and expressed. I even developed a slight grin as I entered the building. You know...there was a part of me that was secretly anxious to see if Devon would be there. I kinda tried to deny it, writing it off as something else, but it was definitely there. Like a tremble in the gut, causing my ribs to vibrate to the point where my heart tingled and my lungs got heavy. It would have truly made me smile to see Devon's beauty as soon as I walked into that computer lab...sitting by the window, with the sunshine gracefully highlighting his every intoxicating feature. The subtle details of his alluring curves and lines. The sweetness of his blushed lips in profile, and the spellbinding color of his bright hazel eyes, glowing as they greeted you and caused you to lose your breath. If I had come in and seen his long thin fingers touching that keyboard, I would have been overjoyed. But...he wasn't there.
In fact, the place was pretty empty. The window spot was wide open, and I kinda dragged my feet going over there to sit down. I looked across the room a few times, as though I could have actually missed him, or overlooked him, in a room with only six other people in it. Yeah...I was instantly disappointed. I sat down and uploaded everything I needed to work, but...sighhh....whatever. It doesn't matter. I should be trying to calm down my excitement surrounding his company anyway.
I started typing, and the words were basically weaving their own little web right in front of me. It was definitely a good day to write something new. But to tell you the absolute truth...my heart wasn't really in it. I'm glad the muse was so strong, and my fingers were just 'taking dictation'...because if any of this stuff took any more actual concentration on my part, I wouldn't have been able to write a single word. Every time the door to the computer lab opened, my head popped up, and I anxiously looked towards the door to see if he was coming to join me. But...disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. It was heartbreaking. I started to despise anybody who walked through that door that wasn't Devon. Just because they got my heart pumping for nothing.
I had plans to spend my free day just typing away for hours and hours on end. But after about 90 minutes of being in that place without Devon's smile to keep me warm, I decided to get up and leave. I don't even remember if I saved what I wrote out or not. Ah, what does it matter. I think my dismal attitude was starting to seep into my story and take it into a completely different direction anyway. I shouldn't write when I get like this. I tend to just detour and derail everything I'm trying to do. I need a break. I'll finish it later.
I went downstairs to the cafeteria to grab something to eat, and was munching on a bag of chips when I felt an arm reach over my shoulder and grab some chips out of my bag. I smiled instantly. I knew those sweet fingers anywhere. "Hey!" I said, looking up to see Devon's golden locks hanging forward, curtaining both sides of that hypnotic smile.
"Sup, party man?" He teased, and dropped his bag in the seat on the other side of the table.
"Don't even get me started." I said, with a roll of my eyes.
"I take it that means you have a slight 'mess' to clean up, then?"
"I think ground zero at the World Trade Center was a 'slight mess' in comparison. It's better that I don't even think about it." I said.
"Note taken." He reached into his pocket to count out a few crumpled up dollar bills. "I'm gonna grab a snack. Be right back."
"Um...ok." I said, and I watched him walk over to the counter to buy something. I just...I stared at him, and tried my best to keep from smiling. His hips were so amazingly slim. I'm surprised that he was able to manage holding his pants up as well as he did. And even then, when he reached for something, you could see his boxers were almost a full two inches above his belt. And his belt was always pulled tight you know? With that extra dangling part that almost looked like a second penis the way it hung down. I swear that he wore it like that on purpose. Still, as hot as he was...it wasn't a sexual thrill that I was really getting from watching him. It was something else. He was just....beautiful, you know? I kept trying to bat away the warm sensation crawling up my spine...but I couldn't help but think...
This is it. This is what I should be feeling.
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