- It wasn't really a surprise to wake up to another few messages from Jimmy his morning. Did I not answer him last night? I'm not really sure. Can't remember. I'm only putting some major thought into it right now because it sounded like Jimmy was sliding right back into 'worry mode' over not hearing from me yet.
I can't understand why. It's barely been 24 hours since he sent me his last message. What's he getting all antsy for? It's not like I didn't have to work yesterday.
Anyway, I came home last night and just crashed, basically. I was tired and kinda burned out and the last thing on my mind was putting forth even more effort into my 'second' life before going to bed. Well, except for giving Brandon a kiss before bedtime. Hehehe, but that's different. He's my boyfriend! It's pretty easy to find a few more minutes when it comes to the end all, be all, love of my freakin' life! Sorta like when you've stuffed yourself full of food, but there's always room for Jell-O! But I got the feeling that Jimmy was looking forward to hearing back from me this morning, and I've been so mean to him over the past few weeks hat I felt bad. I should at least send him a little something to say hello.
His first message was friendly, and was just wishing me a good morning and a happy day. The second message asked if I got his message from last night. And the third? Well, he started apologizing for sending me anything at all. He began to backtrack and make excuses and say that he was just goofing around and that I shouldn't take it seriously. It was like he was instantly falling apart.
Looking at the time stamps on all of his messages, this entire emotional breakdown had taken place in a matter of hours. Four hours, to be exact. I wasn't even awake yet. Yikes, he really WAS worried about offending me, wasn't he?
I felt like such a dick, you know? Here Jimmy was, extending an olive branch so he and I could be friends again...and I'm being a slacker in accepting his good will. So, I sent him another message back before getting ready for work today.
"Sorry, dude! When I got home from work yesterday, I was dead tired. I got your message though! Hehehe! I'm glad that we're talking again too. Everything has been so quiet without hearing from you once in a while."
hmmm...what else? Oh...
"I'd love to tell you that I'd be free to get together some time this week, but believe it or not, I'm not sure what days I'll be free yet. Believe it or not, I'm going to be partially starring in somebody's kung fu, vampire, action, romance, horror movie this week! Hahaha! And I kinda promised him first dibs on my days off from work. I know that sounds weird, but you also know that I couldn't make something like that up if I tried. I'm not that creative. Once I get my schedule from work, and my schedule from the movie...I'll let you know when we can get together and talk. K?"
I hit send and didn't think much of it. I mean, I wasn't flirting with him. That was a whole can of worms that I didn't want to open again. I'm no leading him on, and I'm not giving him any false expectations of things going back to the way they were when we were a...well...a 'couple', I guess. But at the same time, I didn't see any need to reject him or ignore his cheerful attempts to mend ways either. That's a good thing, right? I mean...right?
Anyway, I set off for work today after having a brief lunch with my mom. We chit chatted for a bit, and I think I was being open and friendly out of habit alone. I had completely forgotten that I was supposed to be mad at her! Mad at her for longer than a few days, anyway. But what can I do? You get used to your parents after so many years of being together. Problems flare up, heated arguments follow, and then...for NO reason whatsoever...the fury goes away and the love is still left standing. I don't know a single other person in my life that could take the kind of emotional abuse that my parents have since I was a toddler and STILL want to have anything to do with me. Heh...maybe that's why making things work out with Brandon is so important to me.
Because, deep down, we're all looking to find that same sense of security that we had when love was still brand new to us. Someone who take the worst of us and love us despite the pain we've caused them, or the pain we endure in return. I don't know. My brain is just running amok today. I'd just love to think that it's possible for me to find a mother's unconditional love in another boy someday. Someone who always thinks you're beautiful. Who always supports you and thinks that you could do anything that you put your mind to. Someone who sees the best in you, even when you work so hard to show them the worst.
I don't know why...but I've got total faith in Brandon being that boy for me. And he works to prove me he's worthy of my trust with every smile he shines in my direction.
Gosh...I feel tingly and awesome just writing that.
When I got to the store today, Ollie's boyfriend, Greg, was there grinning and keeping him company as usual. The moment he saw me, Greg said hello and gave me the biggest smile ever! It baffles me to see how cool he is with everybody! I mean, you'd think he was just some phantom employee that worked there with the rest of us. He was always being cute, and funny, and he knew SO much about music and stuff. Even Taylor backed away from his tune knowledge. Greg had recently been taking college classes so he had plenty of time to come visit his sweetheart at work whenever Ollie was working.
I always got a warm feeling whenever I saw them exchanging a few loving glances or the occasional peck on the lips. They were so happy together. The example hat all beautiful gay relationships should live by. Tender and sweet and sooooo spontaneous that the constant surprise of it all kept them giggling nonstop whenever they were together. Ugh! This was one of those days that I wish Robin was working so he could see what's possible if he stops going all 'sex-blind' with idiots like AJ! At least he'd have hope for something more mutually romantic than getting his sweet ass pounded in his parent's basement after a single phone call from AJ and a few minutes of emotionless conversation to find out where and when they want to meet up. This was the kind of sweet display that gay teens need more of.
We can pull off the masturbation fantasies on our own. Pardon the pseudo pun.
Anyway, Greg is so nice to me. By the time he left, I was grinning from ear to ear. Such a sweetheart. But I do remember seeing Ollie and Terrell sharing a few grins of their own at the front counter just before my lunch break. It wasn't anything major or any more playful than what I was used to from my Summer co-workers, but it was something that I took notice of.
Ollie was like, "Terrell...if you keep coming over here to spend time with me at this front counter, I'm gonna start thinking that you're looking to take a peek at the pink side, babe."
Terrell never really gets rattled by Ollie's homoerotic comments. If anything, his charming smile speaks volumes about how much he is flattered by it. I always thought that was cool. I still have a sweet little crush on him, but I need to quell that as much as possible before I get myself in trouble. Hehehe, besides, he's super straight, anyways!
Terrell was like, "I take a peek at it every time you pucker them sweet lips at me, Sugar Stick."
Ollie says, "We can go to the mall bathroom, if you want a longer look."
Terrell chuckles, and he says, "Why are you always trying to get a taste of this chocolate, boy? You might not be able to handle what I've got to give you."
Ollie's like, "My mama always told me to find out from experience, not speculation. So you let me know when you're ready. Ok, honey?"
I have no idea why I was blushing so hard during this exchange between the two of them, but I was snickering like mad through a face that looked like a Red Delicious Apple in the produce section of our local grocery store! Terrell was like, "Sorry, bro. Don't swing that way. You keep trying though."
Ollie grinned, like, "I'll get you to swing over one of these days. If only for a good hour or so."
Terrell said, "Nah...if I swung your way, 'Ollie-kins', you would want it to be for a LOT longer than an hour or two. Trust me." Which made Ollie's smile get even wider as Terrell grabbed some more product and walked back out onto the floor to get back to work.
Ollie was stuck for words. A rarity for him when it came to certain flirty remarks. hen he whispers to me, "I would SO let that boy stretch me out if I could get him alone! Hehehe!"
I didn't want to agree. Admitting to something like that would only make my own boyish infatuation veer off into fantasy territory. Next thing I know, it'll be nearly impossible to look Terrell in the eye without blushing and shivering and making a total bitch out of myself.
Ollie saw me trying to avoid the question altogether, saying, "C'mon...you know you would. Don't lie."
Giggling, I told him, "I can't say that."
He's like, "Why not?"
I said, "Because...I have a boyfriend. Hehehe!"
He's all like, "So? So do I. Doesn't mean that I can't notice a little eye candy from time to time. I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't notice."
Thinking about it, I said, "Well...I mean...don't you worry about...you know?"
He seemed a bit confused at first, but then said, "What? You mean, like, cheating on my favorite boy? Not a chance. It's not going to happen. I'm very happy, right where I am. And I have been for over two years now. I see really cute boys come in and out of the store all the time, and I smile and drool and get all hyper when it comes time to ring them up at the register. But that's all fantasy. It's a fictional person that I made up in my head. It's easy to look at somebody physically attractive and suddenly make them out to be perfect and sexy and worth going for. But Greg is the real thing. I didn't have to create an awesome boyfriend in my head, he was awesome before we even met."
I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think about me and Brandon...and what I did to ruin things while I was obsessed with Bobby Jinette's hot, round, bubble butt in the gym locker room. I wish I could have learned what Ollie had learned before I made that mistake. So much time wasted.
I was like, "I have a friend who...well, he's kinda worried about his boyfriend. His new boyfriend, that is. He's under the impression that some good looking stud is going to come along and steal his sweetheart away from him."
Ollie scoffed at the idea. He's like, "It sounds like your friend needs to relax a little bit. There's always going to be somebody hotter. Cute boys are everywhere. The thing to look for is whether or not they're compatible. Beauty without substance is so empty, you know? The novelty wears off pretty quickly. If your friend wants to keep his boyfriend close, then he should be spending time strengthening the bond they have beyond a pretty face and a nice ass. That's what is gonna keep them straight in the end." True. So true. Ollie asked me, "I mean, out of all the cute boys that walk in and out of this store every day that you're here, would you leave Brandon for a single one of them?"
I'm like, "Hell no!"
Ollie says, "Damn straight. You're not even tempted. You've just gotta know where your heart lies, share that with your boyfriend with as much sincerity as you can, and enjoy every moment of him showing you that he feels the same way." hen he squinted his eyes a bit, and asked me, "You're not worried about Brandon sneaking around on you, are you?"
I automatically answered, "No. Not at all." But I don't know if I believed it as much as I wanted to. Ugh! Why did I even write that? That was dumb. I don't have any reason to be suspicious of Brandon. We're repairing things between us, and despite that mishap with my mom, everything has been perfect. What do I have to complain about?
Ollie's like, "Good. You've gotta have trust, dude. It's almost as important as the love itself. Without that, I don't know if Greg and I could have made it this far. Hehehe! The very thought of having to share my favorite boy with somebody else is unbearable. I'd have to pull an OJ Simpson on the BOTH of them! Seriously!"
He's right, you know? Even the boys I've been intimate with during our break up...I can barely remember one thing about them that I would be willing to trade for a single hug and a smile from my Brandon. I took so much comfort in knowing that we could both be lost in a crowd of hot, naked, boys...and we'd spend the entire time wading through them...just to find each other. Heh...I like that feeling. It's kinda cool.
I can't believe that I'm still getting used to it all.
Anyway, I'm going to stop writing now. I just...I really want to call Brandon up and just hear his voice for a little bit. I'm already wiggling in my own skin and I haven't even picked up my phone yet. I LOVE belonging to somebody, almost as much as I love having someone belong to me. We need to get naked again SOON!
I think that we'd stay naked all the time if Brandon and I were to actually get married someday! I'd never be able to keep my hands off of him. Or his hands off of me. Or our mouths off of each other. Or shower alone! Or get any sleep! Ahhhh! I've gotta call him!
Ok, I'm going...wait...
Alright, so...I got a message from Sam. He says:
"Dude! What are you DOING??? Shit...call me tomorrow as soon as you get up, k? We've got an issue happening here..."
I'm not exactly sure what that's about, but I can never really tell whether Sam is joking around or not when he's so brief about it. I didn't do anything. I don't know. It's my day off tomorrow, so I've got plenty of time to give him a ring.
TONIGHT though? I'm devoting to my heart's desire. So...yeah. It'll just have to wait until I complete my round trip to Cloud 9 and back again.
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