- How can a random Sunday, a day off from work, turn out to be so stressful? It was nice and sunny outside, birds were chirping, a gentle breeze was blowing through the trees...it's like one of those perfect Summer days that you remember for years to come, you know? But I guess a good day involves a lot more than decent weather and a smile.
You know, at the risk of sounding selfish, I still want to actually enjoy the rest of my Summer vacation. Instead, my mom has gotten it in her head that she can not only totally ban my boyfriend from the house when she's not home (And when she IS home, I mean...let's be serious here...what's the point?), but she's decided to get a bunch of stuff in the house fixed up by this Mr. Franks guy every chance she gets. Great for her, but it SUCKS for me because every time she gets an urge to have him repair something in the house, she wants ME to stay around all day and play 'host and houseguest' with him. Why? Why can't I just go out and have some FUN? Who is this guy, anyways?
My mom is like, "I just need you to stick around the house for a while and let him in and offer him water or soda and a little conversation, Billy. Don't be selfish."
I'm like, "Selfish? You're the one who's constantly asking me to be nice to some guy that I don't even know just so we can get the car fixed."
She's like, "Well, this time he's fixing the sink in the kitchen, and he's going to check to see if the heating filter in the house needs changing. So you can just play video games or something until he's finished."
I said, "It takes Mr. Franks HOURS to finish anything! Can't we just leave him a key or something?"
She's like, "No. We can't. You can stay here for a few hours and watch the house while I'm gone."
Grunting, I'm like, "I might have other things that I want to do besides trying to make awkward conversation with him while he fixes the sink."
But she says, "Well, I have stuff to do this week too. It's called working for a living and keeping the lights on and groceries in the house. So deal with it." It sounded harsh to me, but I didn't retaliate with any comments that might have crossed the line. I've been in this position with my mom before and I know how things can turn really ugly, really fast. So I just sighed to myself in defeat. Not too loud though. It was about that time when I think I heard my mom sigh too. Not too loud either. Then she's like. "I need your help, Billy. Ok? It's just you and me now. We've got to help each other out every now and then. Otherwise, we're going to find ourselves sinking in quicksand. Please tell me you understand that."
I didn't want to at first, but I mumbled, "Alright."
She's like, "I promise to give you plenty of opportunities to play with your friends before the Summer is over. For right now, Mr. Franks is a really nice man who's willing to help fix things up around here and help me cut some corners and some costs that we can't afford. Just a little help from you would go a long way here. Agreed?"
What else could I say? I mean, I know she was trying to keep everything stable in the house. After my parents divorce and my shocking 'coming out' moments...I know that life isn't being easy on her right now. So I agreed to help out and stay trapped in this house all day on Tuesday so 'Mr. Moustache Fancy' can fiddle around under the kitchen sink and stutter his way through unfunny jokes in an attempt to look cool. I'm working Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, this week...so one day lost isn't going to be too big a deal, I don't think. I'll call Ian up after I finish writing this and let him know my schedule. I'm not sure what he had in mind, but I guess I'll figure out what to expect after I've been over there a few times. Ugh...whatever. At least I'll be helping out. My mom can't fuss at me about that. I'm officially doing my part now, so...yeah. I can put on my good guy hat.
Actually, now that I think about it, I probably should have used a sexy afternoon alone with Brandon as leverage in the deal. A bargaining chip of sorts. My mom needed a favor from me, I should have been able to ask for a favor in return. Right? I didn't think of it at the time though, so I might have fucked that up. But I'll be keeping this kinda thing in mind for future negotiations if I've gotta give up my Summer to do...'nothing'. That's for sure.
ANYWAY...let me just talk about the biggest part of my day today!
Sam was acting like he was freaking out in his last message to me, and he seemed to really really eager to talk to me as soon as I woke up this morning. I didn't have any clue as to what the big deal was, but figured that I'd hit him up. since he was being such a drama queen about it.
When I called, Sam was like, "What the hell do you think you're doing, Billy? Omigod, dude! Why would you do this to yourself? Arrggh!" Then he's like, "What are you doing right now? Is your mom home? Can I come over? Can we talk in private for a while?" I told him that my mom was home, but I also told him to just tell me what was wrong. He's like, "No way! Get dressed, and get your ass over here so I can holler at you like you deserve!"
He was pushing so hard to rush me over there that I just told him to hold his horses and I'd be over in five minutes, give or take. Geez! Hyper much?
He yanked me inside by the collar and then guided me to his bedroom while I tried to figure out what the heck was going on with him. Sam sits me down on his bed and rubs his eyes before running his fingers through the blond locks of his hair. He's like, "Billy...what the fuck, man? What was the ONE thing that I told you to do a few weeks ago? The ONE thing!"
Confused, I asked, "A few weeks ago? What are you talking about?"
He says, "I'm talking about JIMMY, dude! What did I tell you? I told you to STAY AWAY from him!"
Was that what this whole thing was about? I'm like, "Sam...relax. I talked to him just yesterday and he's fine. Everything is alright..."
Sam's like, "Everything is NOT alright! Oh God, Billy, what have you done?" He leaned forward and cupped his hands over his face.
I'm like, "WHAT??? What'd I do???"
He said, "Jimmy called me up last night, Billy. He was all happy and excited and telling me how wrong I was about you not having the same feelings for him that he had for you. He was talking about how much he loved you and you loved him back and that he can't wait for you two to talk in person so you can pick up where you left off. He's actually gloating over how he knew this would happen. What the heck did you TELL him?"
Shocked, I was like, "I didn't tell him ANYTHING! I swear! He sent me a few messages just to say hello and to be nice. He was joking around about a squirrel or something he other day!" Then I was like, "All I said was that I missed talking to him and that we'd get together soon. That's it..."
Sam was like, "No no no no NO! Awww, Billy, don't you get it? He totally baited you dude!"
I tried to defend myself and let him know that Jimmy was doing much better. I said, "It wasn't like that at all. Jimmy totally apologized for being weird about the break up. We acknowledged it, we talked about it, and we...well, fuck, Sam...we worked it out."
Sam's like, "No you didn't. You made it worse. I TOLD you to back off and stay out of it, dude. Now we're right back to square one. Hell, we might not be on a square at all anymore!"
I was like, "C'mon, Sam! He was hurting, ok? He was hurting sooooo much! I tried to ignore him but I felt really bad for him. I refused to answer his messages, I didn't answer my phone...I was being a major asshole."
Sam grumbled, "You weren't being an asshole, Billy. You were taking a firm stand and letting him know, once and for all, that it was time for him to move on. You were giving him time to deal with what was going on and allowing him to heal from the heartbreak instead of letting it linger mercilessly for so much longer than necessary. Sure, it was going to take some time and it was going to suck, but it's going to take ten times longer if the biggest and most amazing love of his whole life keeps smiling at him whenever he comes calling for your attention."
I'm like, "I wasn't trying to be mean, Sam. I was just trying to do the right thing."
But he says, "I know you were, Billy. You're always trying to do the right thing, and that's commendable. But sometimes it's not always that easy. Sometimes, you look at things from the outside and think that you have all the answers, but you don't. There just comes a time when you have to surrender to what's happening and let it happen." Sam seemed like he was struggling to make himself clear, but I think I could get a lot out of his facial expression and tone of voice alone. He says, "I spent weeks talking to Jimmy and letting him cry on my shoulder with the hope that he'd get it all out of his system. He was really suffering, Billy. Mostly because he couldn't understand what went wrong, or why you would do that to him. He was absolutely convinced that you two were in love and that it was going to be forever."
I'm like, "I NEVER wanted to hurt him. Never. If I could, I'd totally fall for Jimmy and we could live happily ever after, but...I love Brandon. I just do. I can't help it."
Sam said, "You know what Jimmy thinks right now? Because of the last message or two that you sent him? He honestly thinks that you miss him. He thinks that you miss having him around, and you're coming to your senses, and that you're beginning to understand what a mistake you made by breaking up with him in the first place. He's convinced that this is the turn around point for you guys and that you're ready to start mending ways so you two can get back together again. THAT'S what he's thinking right now!"
I felt guilty as hell for being a part of hurting Jimmy again. He sounded so normal. Well, for the most part. I didn't think he'd get all wrapped up in me again, I just thought...he wanted to be friends again. How do I get myself INTO these messes? I was actually opening up and being honest this time...and I'm STILL in the wrong!
I said, "I don't know what to do, Sam. Everything I say to him is another dagger in his heart. What do I do? Just start ignoring him again?"
Sam was like, "No way. It's too late for that. If you cut him off now, he's going to think he did something to ruin your so-called rekindled flame. That would be BAD!" But it's what Sam said next that really gave me the chills. He's like, "You're going to have to start all over again. And this time, you've got to stick to your guns, no matter what."
I'm like, "Wait, what? What are you talking about?"
He's like, "You're just gonna have to man up and tell him that it's over, and that you're not going to get back together. You have to make him understand that Brandon is your boyfriend now, and that you're happy together. If he wants to be your friend someday, then great. But right now, the whole Billy/Jimmy episode has rolled the credits and faded to black. It's done. Finito. And that's that."
Shocked, I was like, "Are you serious??? Sam...you're asking me to break Jimmy LaPlane's heart all over again! I can't do that."
He's like, "Well you're going to have to, Billy. Eventually, he's going to reach a point where the fantasy in his head is going to take priority over what's really going on with you two, and if you let that linger for long enough he's gonna end up hating you, me, and worst of all...he's gonna end up hating himself. And you know how sensitive Jimmy can be when he slides into 'self-hate' mode." This is one of those times when I wish I could just be a giddy teenager in love, and this crazy drama would just...'go away' and leave me alone.
The weight of it was beginning to really hit me. A sadness washed over me like ice cold molasses and I couldn't help but to be paralyzed by the thought of what I might have to do. I'm like, "He's really...REALLY...going to hate me, Sam."
Sam put a hand on my shoulder and rubbed it gently, giving me what little support he could in a situation like this. He said, "We can't stop him from hurting, Billy. We just can't. But the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be for him to take. I've done all I can to try to ease the situation, but ultimately, it's up to Jimmy to decide when he's ready to face the truth and accept that it's over. K?"
I think I could have stayed over at Sam's to hang out for a while longer, but...I really didn't feel like it. Not today. I just wanted to be happy, you know? Me and Brandon, smiling, kissing, enjoying love. It's not like I'm doing that at Jimmy's expense, I just...sighhhh....I'm starting to think that there's no way humanly possible to make everyone happy. Something is always out of sync, and it'll always be my fault somehow.
Whatever. Tomorrow's another day. Maybe it'll be better than this one. I can only keep my fingers crossed at this point.
I'm kind of in a melancholy mood right now. I'll write more later.
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