- You know, there are certain thoughts that pass through your mind every now and then...and you wish they would just keep going, but they try to take hold. They try to cling on. And the harder you fight to get rid of them, the harder they fight to stay right where they are...causing you to dwell on it for longer than you should. I don't know. It's silly. I'm starting to worry myself over nothing like always. All I need to do is talk to Brandon for a little bit, be firm with him, and just...get an answer, you know? It's not like I'm accusing him of anything, right? It's just...it's Monday again, and I had the day off from work, so I was hoping to see him today. At least for a little while. Or maybe just talk to him for a bit.
Now, I may read this someday when I'm much older and think that I'm being a total brat about this right now because I've forgotten what it was like to be my age. The same way my old fogey parents have somehow erased all knowledge of their former childhoods and pretend that things were easier when they were growing up. But I'm hoping beyond hope that I'll be able to read this years from now and remember what it was like to feel this way. 'Future Billy'...if you're reading this...PLEASE don't become an asshole and deny the fact that this isn't EASY working things like this out for the very first time! That would be a direct insult to your younger self, meaning me. Don't gloss over your childhood and paint it all pink with sweet memories of giggles and gumdrops. I'm kinda struggling here.
Bottom line...I WANT to spend time with my boyfriend. Not just for sex and giggles, I just...fuck...why do I have to go so long between the times that we can be together? Why is he avoiding me? Why can't he just give me a legitimate reason for not being able to hang out on Mondays? It's not like he's sacrificing bunny rabbits to Satan or something! He's just...being weird.
Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. You see, the reason that I've got strange thoughts wandering around in my head is all because of the day I had.
Naturally, Jimmy was the first person that I heard from when I woke up this morning. Honestly, that boy speaks to me every day before my own MOM does. And while the last few days have been pretty easy when it came to maneuvering around his short and flirty messages...it's obvious that it's not going to stay that simple for very long. Jimmy's already beginning to suspect that something is up, writing to ask, "Hey, did I say something wrong? I know you're busy with a ton of stuff, Summer job keeping you busy and all. So I'd totally get it if you were just busy and didn't have time to write me right NOW! Hehehe, it's not a big deal. Just...you'd let me know if I screwed up or something, right? I hope you're just busy and not mad at me."
I'm not MAD at him! I wish I could send him a note to let him know that so he could stop sweating over it. But every time I try to make things better between us, I only end up making them worse. I don't want to do any more damage to his loving heart than I already have. I'm taking Sam's advice and just staying away from him. When he's fully gotten the hint, then maybe we can talk again. But we haven't reached that point yet. Not yet.
Jimmy sent me another message early on in the afternoon too. It said, "Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you. That's all. Creepy, right? Hehehe!" But it was signed, "Love, Jimmy".
It wasn't a big mushy display of emotion or anything, but it wasn't a casual 'sign off' between friends either.
THEN...while my mom and I were eating dinner, Jimmy actually called and left me a voicemail. He was all like, "Hey, Billy. Hehehe, wow...I had almost forgotten how cute your voice sounds in your automated message thingy. Anyway, I sent you a few messages over the past few days. I wasn't sure if you got them or not. If you get this, hit me back. K? Hey, maybe we can hang out some time this week. You know, like we talked about? Let me know when you have a day off of work and aren't doing anything. We can make a day out of it. Cool? Hope to hear from you soon, cutie. Bye..."
That last part had such a whimpering tone to it. As if he was trying not to let me hear how nervous he was when he said it. If I had a way to speed up the process of him getting over me, I'd use it in a heartbeat. I just don't want to push him over the edge. Jimmy can be...ummm...irrationally moody. You know?
So...Ian sent me a bunch of emails today! I was surprised to see no less than SIX emails in my inbox from him this afternoon! And I thought that was really cool! He's SO happy to have me be a part of his very first self directed short film! He's talking all about how he wanted to post it on YouTube and having it go viral. Hehehe, he's been saying that since school let out for the Summer, but he's been working on it every single day since then, and he just wants everything to be right before he even gets started on showing it to other people. I can respect that. He loves the art of doing it right. Hehehe! What's wrong with that?
A few of the emails were sent with video attachments of me being videotaped the last time I was at his house. I don't know HOW he did the makeshift special effects...but he actually got my EYES to glow a bright yellow color! I kept watching the footage, and it was like, "WHOAH! He's actually really good at this!" He might actually get his dad to make a few appearances In the movie, which is a whole other level of awesome...him being a former child star and all. The more info Ian sent me, the more hyped up I got for the opportunity to start working on it.
It wasn't until a few hours later...when Bobby called me on the phone, that I remembered why there was a certain hint of clumsiness when it came to being a part of this project at all. I mean, he barely said hello to me before he was all like, "So, I guess Ian sent you the touched up videos and stuff with all the new effects he put in, huh?" But he didn't say it in a fun way. He said it the way my mom tells a bill collector on the phone that she just sent in a payment. There was such a feeling of 'surrender' in his tone of voice. I didn't know whether to be insulted or not.
I tried to ignore the issue and just said, "Yeah. The footage looks great! I didn't expect him to go all out the way he did. It looks like real magic."
Bobby's like, "He's really proud of it. He goes over it again and again, trying to get it perfect." He paused for a second, and then pouted like, "He's really glad that you're a part of his movie. I've actually made an effort to avoid talking about you when we're together, but I honestly don't think he can help himself..."
Before he even went down that road, I stopped him and I said, "I know what you're going to say, Bobby, and just...don't. Ok?"
He's like, "Yeah. I know you don't care. Whatever."
What the...? I'm like, "What do you mean I don't care. That's not what this is about and you know it. This is about you being too insecure to have this conversation with your boyfriend instead of having it with me. That's what you need to be focused on."
He's like, "All I'm asking is that you don't tell him you like boys. That's all. You went years without running around blabbing about being gay, why would it matter now."
Ok, NOW I'm insulted! I told him, "Look, I spent so much time hiding and feeling bottled up and repressed and walking around like I was wrapped in some kind of social straitjacket all day. I learned to get more comfortable with who I am, I've got a loving boyfriend, I'm out to my mom, I'm out at work...and now you're asking me to go back in the closet because you think your boyfriend is going to come chasing after me? Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?"
Getting more aggravated, Bobby said, "Do you wanna know WHY more boys at school never make a pass at you? Do you? It's because they think you're unavailable. Completely off the list. They think, 'no way! Not THAT boy! That's Billy Fucking Chase!'" Why do people keep referring to me like that??? Bobby's like, "I know how they feel, because I was the same way. So was Jimmy. I'm willing to bet Brandon was too at one point. They don't pursue you because they think they can't have you. But what happens when that veil gets lifted? All the boys come running and everything's great for Billy...while the rest of us get heartbroken and left behind."
I said, "Now WAIT a minute! That's just plain unfair. I'm not running around snatching up cute boys like a witch in the woods! I told you, I have Brandon. I'm very happy. I'm never going to be tempted to mistreat him or violate his trust ever again. So I don't see what the big problem is. If these imaginary boys in your head think they can't have me, it's because they can't. I'm taken. Done deal. Nuff said. I don't understand what makes you think Ian is suddenly going to get all fascinated with me..."
Bobby jumped in with, "He's already fascinated with you. Don't you get it? Billy...the first time you smiled at me in school I thought I was going to pass out at your feet. That day you stood up for me in the gym locker room? I didn't know what to do with myself. The moment the very 'possibility' of you being gay entered my mind, I realized that there wasn't anything in this whole world that I wanted more than to be your boyfriend. It instantly became the only thing I thought about..."
I had to stop him again. "Bobby, dude, you need to just slow down. That's not going to happen. You just....you have this way of always jumping ten steps ahead and trying to manipulate the situation from the outside so you can be sure that it'll go your way all the time. But the truth is, nothing is guaranteed to go your way all the time. Relax." Bobby didn't seem convinced. If anything he just felt defeated.
He's like, "Fine. Do what you want. I don't care. Tell him."
I said, "Well, it's not like I'm going to show up wearing tight leather pants and a rainbow t-shirt or anything. Geez! But...if he asks me, I'm not going to lie about it. I'm sorry, Bobby. It's just, it took me forever to make even this little bit progress. It's way too late for me to start taking steps backward now." Bobby was quiet. I'm like, "Ian is a really awesome guy, Bobby. He thinks the world of you. I'm willing to bet that if you place your trust in him instead of trying to fix the fight before it begins...he might just surprise you."
He's all sad like, "I doubt it. We're in high school, Billy. High school relationships only last as long as it's interesting. And being 'interesting' is only as good as the pretty boy standing next to you. There's always somebody else. If you think Brandon never looks at other boys...you'd be wrong. I mean, you know that, right? And the older your relationship gets, the more fun a relationship with another cutie looks. I know you think I'm being paranoid, but I'll take that over being naïve any day."
There was no reasoning with him. He's just being stubborn now. I didn't have much else to say to him after that. I told him my phone battery was dying and nearly hung up in his face. I mean...I'm seriously starting to get sick of him treating me like some kind of a boyfriend thieving whore. Especially considering the part he played in me and Brandon breaking up! I was such a friggin' idiot back then, but Bobby was the one who wanted to force me to stick around even after I tried to break things off with him. If that's the kind of treatment that Ian has to look forward to...then maybe he's better off without him.
I KNEW it was silly.
Here I am again. Monday night. And I can't even get Brandon to pick up his phone, or answer any of my messages.
Oh, I'm sure he'll get back to me later on tonight, or at the most, tomorrow morning before I wake up. But...as STUPID as it sounds...I keep thinking about what Bobby said to me today, and it's starting to really bug me. I keep thinking about the afternoons that I used to spend rolling around naked with Bobby Jinette, sinking as deep between those thick, bubbled, cheeks as my straining inches would allow. I remembered how much I enjoyed thrusting into that tight hole and sucking on the side of his neck while I did it. Sometimes it's like I can still taste the sweetness of his heated seed on the surface of my tongue.
Then...I started thinking of the lame excuses I gave Brandon as to why I couldn't hang out on that particular day. I thought about the fucked up excuses, the dodged questions, and the outright lies. I thought about the things I said to my mom when I was sneaking out to go have three-boy ORGIES in AJ's basement on the weekends. I don't know how I got away with half the stuff that I did.
But...where's Brandon? I mean, like...where is he? Like I said in the beginning, I don't want to start getting all 'Bobby-fried' about this and start thinking about Brandon cheating on me. Because he's not. He's just not. He's not that kind of guy. Brandon has always been innocent and sweet and loyal to the end. And yet...ever since my mom caught us...ummm...well, turn back about ten pages. You know what she caught us doing. Ever since then he's been a bit more distant. Not rude or anything just...we've been holding off on the sex thing a bit more. What if the sexual part of our relationship this Summer was the biggest part of me being 'interesting'? I think about what Bobby said about Brandon looking at other boys, I think about how AJ treated Robin when he wanted sex and just picked up another boy at random...hell, I even thought about my father getting fed up with us and just leaving us to start a whole new life with someone else entirely. I think about what I did to Jimmy, and to Bobby, and to Lee. What Joanna did to Sam. Jesus...does Bobby actually have a point in all this??? We've all be playing this overly dramatic game of musical chairs with one another, and when it's all said and done I have to ask myself...has my love for Brandon blinded me so much that I've put him above being just as tempted and as damaged as the rest of us?
These are the kind of thoughts that I need to get rid of before they grow into something much more malevolent. I don't like this feeling. I'm dedicating myself to Brandon. Completely. He's doing the same, right? I mean, that was the deal, right?
God, I wish he'd call. Bobby's got me all messed up in the head. Just a few minutes of hearing my baby's voice would untangle some of these nightmares and allow me to rest easy for the rest of the night.
Anyway, I'm gonna go. I'm feeling a little exhausted talking about this. So....yeah.
Write more later.
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