The idea of seeing Drew again at school again wasn't what enticed me the most the moment I opened my eyes the next morning. Laughing with him, gazing at him, and enjoying his company like nobody else ever could. Even though being in his tender arms again was a major part of me laying awake for most of last night in anticipation...there was something else that kind of haunted me about the whole situation. And not in a good way.
I wish that I could have thought of it as being a little thing. Something inconsequential. But I couldn't. I wish that I could have shrugged it off and said that it wasn't anything to really worry about...but I didn't. The truth is...my mom DID hear me on the phone with Drew last night. I know she did. And I wasn't really sure how I felt about that, because I was so busy falling head over heels for the boy of my dreams that I had almost forgotten that I was still supposed to be hiding it from the rest of the world. That nagging inner voice that was telling me that secrets were necessary and discretion was extremely important, it hadn't been scrubbed free from my system like I wish it had been. My friendships were being affected, my mom is certainly going to start asking questions soon...and eventually the conflict between being open with my feelings for Drew and being closed off to everyone else is going to conjure up a storm that I can only hope I'll be ready to deal with when the time comes. Because...deep down...I knew that I had already made up my mind. And I simply don't think I'll ever be able to go back to the way things were before. I'm not giving Drew up, even if it means the complete deconstruction of everything that I knew before the first time his lips touched mine. Our life together is what matters now. That's not even debatable on a personal conflict level.
So...I guess I'm worried. I've broken every rule that I originally set up for myself. Tossed all of my well planned strategies and precautions out the window. I've given it all up for one person, and I have to admit that I'm feeling a bit helpless about the falling dominoes racing towards me. Lost in a freefall where my sense of control is fading faster than I'm comfortable with.
Ugh! My mom wasn't meant to hear any of that last night. I don't even know how much she heard or how revealing it was, but it's not like she couldn't check to find out who I was talking to. It's frustrating for me because it was just one of those moments that I WISH Drew and I could have enjoyed together without any parental supervision invading my life and making me feel dirty and awful about it. It was a really sweet and lovable conversation shared by two teenage boys falling in love for the first time. But...whatever. I feel like some kind of a criminal now. I'll just have to enjoy these amazing feelings in secret until I'm ready for things to change.
I used to equate secrets with doing something shameful and wrong...but I'm starting to think that it's best to keep certain things under wraps to keep some 'outside' party from swooping down with a Superman cape to ruin everything for both of us.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing here, and neither is Drew...but I kind of like us figuring it out together. JUST the two us! Other people can get involved once we've built something cool and romantic on our own. Until then...can't they just leave us alone? Just for a little bit longer?
Breakfast was a slightly awkward experience this morning. Was my mom being unusually quiet today, or was I imagining that? I wasn't certain if I wanted to eat faster so I could hurry up and get out of that house...or if I should slow down because she was just waiting for me to finish my waffles before asking me questions about who I was talking to last night.
Weirdest. Breakfast. Ever.
Luckily, no awkward questions were asked, and no awkward answers were given. By the time I had gotten a few blocks away from home, my lungs had rediscovered a normal breathing technique again. Looks like I get to stay in 'character' for one more day.
I can remember feeling my own pulse on both sides of my neck as I stood by the front door, looking around to see if I could see Drew getting off his bus. I squirmed and I fidgeted and I tried to busy my brain with something as I waited impatiently for him to show up. What's taking so long? I know he runs late sometimes, but...arrrghhhh! Did it have to be today?
I kept checking the time. I only had three minutes until the first bell. I noticed one last bus waiting at the stop light in the distance. Is that Drew's bus? Come on, already! Come on, come on, come on!
Finally, the light turned green. Just as the bell rang, I saw it slow down and open its doors out front. Shit, I know I'm late, but...if Drew's on that bus, we're both going to the same place anyway, right? We'll be late together. It'll look less weird. Well...maybe, maybe not. Whatever. Where IS he?
I saw a bunch of students getting off the bus, some hurrying to get inside, and others not giving much of a damn either way. But when I scanned the crowd for a glimpse of Drew's chaotic, light brown, curls...I didn't see him anywhere. I even kept looking after the bus closed its doors and took off again, just to make sure that I didn't miss him.
Wow. The disappointment felt like heartbreak. I could actually feel my lips curving down into a frown as I hoisted my backpack up on my shoulder and shuffled off to go inside and head to class. Alone.
Little things like this affect you in such a crazy way when you're falling in love.
I think I was borderline depressed for the next few periods, simply from the fact that I didn't get to see Drew's alluring smile at the start of my day. It's frightening how much someone's presence, or lack thereof, can affect your emotional state in a monumental way. I actually took a pop quiz in my last class, and I can't remember doing it all. Did I even put my name on it? Who knows? Who cares? I started to think that maybe I should check on him. You know, just to make sure he's ok. Would that seem creepy?
I was walking down the hall in a slight daze, going to my locker to drop my books off before lunch...and when I got there, I noticed something strange. That horizontal black marker mark on my locker had been...'added' to since I last took notice of it. I squinted slightly, and now, instead of just a straight vertical line, it now looked like a big letter 'F'. Right in the center of my locker door. It wasn't there yesterday. Again, I tried to scrub it off, but it wasn't going away. I couldn't even smear it. I swear, if I get blasted for vandalism I'm going to throw a full blown tantrum in the front office. I need to go down there and tell them what's going on before I get stuck with the blame of it all.
I opened it up, turning my backpack sideways in order to stuff it in there, when I turn to see Drew actually in school! My heart stopped three times in a row! Once, with the shock of seeing that pretty face of his heading in my direction. Twice, as this uppercut of raw infatuation nearly knocked me off my feet over how cute he was. And a third time...when I saw PATRICK walking by his side! What the actual FUCK???
No....no way. I'm not going to do it. There's nothing going on there. Patrick's not even gay. I just...why does Drew have to smile at him like that? You know? I'm not jealous, I just wish I could keep my boyfriend all to myself sometimes. Stay away, dammit!
Patrick was the first to say hello to me. "Hey, Ethan. We kinda figured we'd beat you here today. You must have been in a hurry." He said.
"No. Not...not really." I replied, then I looked over at Drew o see if there was a reason that Patrick got to spend time with him today when I clearly didn't. NOT that I was jealous, mind you! I'm just...I was curious about it. "Where were you this morning? I waited for you."
Drew grinned and said, "I totally overslept this morning. I don't know why I was so knocked out at the time, but I didn't wake up until the school computer called my house to say that I wasn't in class. Hehehe, thank God my dad wasn't around to hear that. He would have had a fit." Then, with a subliminal wink, Drew added, "I guess I had some trouble sleeping last night. Hehehe!"
Yeah. See? It's ok. He just slept late. Still doesn't explain why Patrick is being all 'chummy' with him though. "Oh. Ok." I said. "I was just a little worried, that's all."
Drew said, "Awwww...no need to worry. I'm fine. Besides, Patrick is right here to protect me." Grrrrr!
"Is that so?" I said, trying not to grit my teeth.
"I told you I'd look out for ya, man." Patrick said, his pretty little blond popstar grin glowing like neon lights in a dark room.
I asked, "So...you two walk together all the time, or...?"
Drew's eyebrows wrinkled up for a moment, but then he said, "He walks with me from study hall sometimes. People don't pick on me as much when I'm with somebody else. When I'm all alone, they figure it's open season on the gay kid. Heh..."
"Well, if you wanted me to...I mean, I could come by your study hall and walk with you. It's not that far away."
"Don't be silly, Ethan. Hehehe, Patrick and I have study hall together. No reason for you to go all out of your way to do all that."
I don't know if it was just me feeling a sense of tension thickening in the air around us, or if they were just ignoring it enough to not let it show on their faces, but I tried to look back into my locker to keep from giving myself away.
NOT that I was jealous!
A brief pause passed between the three of us. Just long enough for every one of us to notice it as being something unusual. And that's when Patrick spoke up and said, "Say...so you guys are cool, right? I should probably be getting along to class."
Drew said, "Awww, ok. Well...thanks again, Patrick. It's always cool to walk down the hall without...well...you know."
He put his hand on Drew's shoulder and smiled. "I get it. Totally."
"I don't mean to be a pest or anything." Drew grinned.
"You're not a pest. Promise." He said. "Well, take care, you guys. See ya Monday, Drew." Patrick smirked, just before leaving. "Later, Ethan."
"Later, Patrick." I said, still trying not to pout over his very presence in my sweetie's life. I mean, Drew's so cute, how can you not want to keep a close eye on who he's hanging with when you're not around.
[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]
Forum timezone: GMT-6|
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2017 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.