- You know, I'm so glad that I went into work early this morning and got to come home early this afternoon. The day was pretty mellow, and it was super sunny outside so we didn't have that many customers coming in to screw up a perfectly good work day. They'd much rather be enjoying the Summer weather before it turned to snow and freezing rain just a few months from now. Anyway, I needed the isolation. Time to think. Because I'm just...I'm in a really rotten mood right now, and had anything gone wrong at work whatsoever today, I might have snapped. I might have grabbed two machine guns and gone out on a fucking killing spree to express the utter RAGE I feel inside at this very moment!
Life can be so damn ridiculous sometimes.
I mean...does anybody know how hard I work to try to be the best possible person that I can be every day of my life? I'm always trying to be the good guy, but just end up being an emotional punching bag for anybody with a stick up their ass about their own issues. Issues that aren't my fault, but they get pissed at me anyway. Never an apology given. Never an admission of guilt or regret. Fuck Billy's feelings! Let him deal with it, as long as I get to let off some steam in his direction. I know that Dizzy told me that it was a good thing to be someone who cares...but sometimes it's much more of a curse than a blessing, you know? I fucking HATE being the bad guy! I really do!
I called Trace up this morning before leaving for work, just to see if he was ok. You know...trying to be a FRIEND! Trying to be the guy who gives a damn! And that turned out to be a big mistake on my part. Apparently, he doesn't want or need my help anymore. In fact, he seemed insulted by the fact that I even bothered to check up on him. It was, like, eleven O'clock. It's not like I bugged him with a 7 AM wake up call. I know he had been drinking and smoking and stuff last night, but I was sure that he had enough time to sleep it off and get a great deal of it out of his system. I was just joking around when he picked up the phone and I was like, “Wakey wakey, sleepyhead! Get out of that bed! Hehehe!”
So, naturally, I thought Trace was kidding too when he was like, “Fuck off, Billy.” I actually giggled when he said it, still rubbing his eyes with a groan.
I'm like, “If you're hungover it's your own fault, ya know? Serves you right. I thought you said you were going to leave the alcohol alone.”
With another grunt, he's like, “Yeah, well so did my dad. Monkey see, monkey do.” I heard Trace drag himself out of bed...and then he went to the bathroom and started peeing while he was talking to me. I don't know why...but I thought the sound of it was just...I don't know...it was kinda hot. Hehehe, God, I really need to learn to censor some of the things I write in this book! Just...a cutie like Trace with his penis all out and exposed and him holding it with his hand...it's HOT! Sorta...
So I say, “I'm glad you got home safe, dude. I wanted to make sure that you were ok and that you weren't sick or anything. You sounded pretty plastered when you called, so...”
But Trace cuts me off with this really frustrated tone of voice, you know? And he's like, “What did I just say? I said I'm fine and I meant it. I'm fine. So lay off.”
I mean, I couldn't help but to be offended by it. It sorta caught me off guard. I'm like, “Okaaaaaay...”
And he's all like, “I wanted to have some fun this Summer and that's what I'm doing. I'm having fun. What's the big deal?”
I said, “Well, you're not only walking around the streets drunk off your ass...but now you're smoking weed too? I mean, come on, Trace...that's stuff's no good for you, dude.”
Trace tells me, “You sure? Because it feels great.” Then he's like, “Seriously, Billy...it's really none of your business what I do when you or your dad aren't around. I'm sure you've got a life of your own to live, so quit dragging me down.”
I couldn't believe that he wasn't just goofing around. I mean...what the hell did *I* do?
I'm like, “Dragging you down? I called you up because I happen to care about you and I wanted to make sure you weren't all fucked up...”
He snaps back, like, “I didn't ASK you to care about me. Who gave you permission to care about me? If I'm fucked up then I'm just fucked up. What are you gonna do about it? Nothing. Nothing at all. So why even bother with the courtesy call?”
Fed up, I was like, “You know, if you don't want to talk to anybody right now, then we can just hang up and talk later. But there's no need for you to cop an attitude with me when all I was trying to do was be your friend.”
Trace says, “Well...thanks, but no thanks. I mean, maybe you and your dad get a kick out of playing the superhero and trying to help a piece of worthless gutter trash like me just so you can feel good about yourselves, but the 'do-gooder' act is starting to get a little stale. You know? Believe it or not, I was taking care of myself AND Mikey long before you two came along. Sorry if that ruins the illusion that I needed you in the first place...but I can do fine all by myself.”
Honestly...I've NEVER had Trace talk to me like this before! Not ever! What the fuck was his problem today??? I wish I could say that I was just pissed off about it, but even more than that...I was actually hurt by what he was saying to me. Hurt to the point where I was almost too shaky and outdone to even respond to him. Not while he was in a mood like this.
Finally, I just said, “You know what? This is stupid. I'm sorry I even bothered. Just stay pissed off for the rest of the day. You can drink yourself into a fucking coma for all I care. I don't need you yelling at me as though I'm the one to blame for this.”
He's like, “FINE!” I never thought I'd regret calling someone that I considered my 'friend'. Trace said, “I don't need you to SAVE me anymore, Billy. Nobody does. I got comfortable for a little while, and that was my own fault for being an idiot. But when the chips are down and all is said and done, the only person that I can depend on is myself. Trusting other people isn't a game that I can afford to play. So stop thinking that you're better than me. You've got problems too.”
I didn't even answer him. By the time that sentence was finished, I had hung up in his face. I was trembling with anger. I didn't deserve to be treated like that. I REFUSED to put up with it! If that's how he feels about me, then FUCK him too! I'M the idiot for taking the time to stay on the phone with him last night to make sure he got home safe! I'M the asshole for hanging out with him, or consoling him when he was crying, or giving him a place to stay with my dad when him and Mikey were gonna run away from home! I don't think I'm better than him! I was just trying to help!
Whatever. That wasn't the end of my troubles for the day. Believe me.
I was pretty steamed at work, but I think everybody just kinda left me alone because of it. They could see the look on my face, I guess. You know how somebody really gets under your skin, and you end up having this angry conversation in your head for HOURS on end afterwards? That's what I was doing for most of my work shift today. Garrett was especially intimidated by my facial expression, and barely said more than hello to me. Well, that and “Scott said it's ok to take your lunch break now if you want.” Outside of that, he basically just avoided me in general. Even Dizzy kept his distance, despite being the one to always step up and lend a helping hand to anyone who was in a state of distress. Then again, he looked like he might be having an inner conflict of his own today. So maybe he wanted to be left alone too.
I don't know...it's just hard for me to accept that Trace went from giving me hugs and sending me a thousand thank yous for having this major impact on his life...to suddenly act like it was a burden to even have me talk to him! I mean, I hate to say it...but this is why so few people care about each other anymore. Because a slap in the face is the only reward you get from it. I can see why people get jaded and bitter after a while. I don't need this in my life. I'd be better off taking Trace's stance and only depending on myself from now on.
Ugh! Am I becoming one of those people? Someone who values laziness over doing the right thing? I'd hate to think that life beat me into submission when it came to having a heart.
The only real moment of 'non-grumpiness' came from having Ollie's boyfriend, Greg, come into the store to pick him up from work. I think they were going out to the movies or something, and they're just...they're so perfect together, you know? When they're together, I noticed how they almost always finish each other's sentences, or laugh at the same time. I notice how Greg holds Ollie's hand or touches his arm whenever they're standing close together. I notice how they look at one another, and just share a brief silence with one another sometimes. I almost feel like I'm intruding by paying them any attention at all. It's so CUTE though! And it really made me miss Brandon today. The only reason I didn't call him up or text him was because my brain was full of so much frustration that I was afraid I'd start bogging him down with my personal problems and he'd get sick of me ranting and raving and venting my every aggravation until he was ready to run and hide from me because of it. I didn't want that. Best I keep my mumbled bullshit to myself today.
I did miss him though. Had Brandon come to see me at work today...I probably would have cuddled up to him too. Maybe we'd be the envy of everyone watching, the way Greg and Ollie are. That would be the coolest thing ever. That couple is, like, the example of how things should be in a young gay relationship as far as I'm concerned. It's inspiring me to be a better boyfriend, you know? I know that sounds weird, but...the next time I see Brandon, I'm just going to appreciate him so much more. Kisses and all.
I'll call him tomorrow. I just need to get some of this clogged up, angry, garbage in my system first. Like I said...isolation is the best thing for now.
Oh yeah, did I mention that I got a short message from Jimmy tonight? Like 25 minutes ago. You wanna know what it said? He says:
”You know...when you said that you'd get back to me the other day? I actually believed you. I mean, should I assume that you're DEAD or something? Or do you just not care about me anymore? I'll just assume you're dead until I hear otherwise. How's that?”
Is Jimmy SERIOUS??? After the day I've had and all that I've got swimming around in my head right now, he's gonna get pissed at me for not giving him a call or sending him a short message my number one priority in LIFE? Does he not realize that maybe I have feelings and problems too? And he's NOT my boyfriend! So what is he so upset about? I JUST talked to him the day before yesterday! Now HE'S got a bug up his ass too???
I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE!!!!!
Whatever. Maybe I am the bad guy. Maybe everybody else should come first. Maybe my 'Superman complex' is what got me into this mess, and all of the messes before it. Trace is right. I DO get a kick out of helping people. And they don't care half as much as I do, so I'm just wasting my time. Creating more problems than I can solve all at once.
Fuck. See? This is why I didn't want to talk to Brandon tonight. Otherwise, he would have gotten an earful of this whiney bullshit, and I'd be no better for it after spilling it all out at his feet. I won't subject him to that. I'd rather deal with it on my own.
I didn't answer Jimmy yet. I probably won't. At least not tonight. He needs to calm the fuck down before I can talk to him again. Trace too. I'm taking a near overdose of chill pills before talking to Brandon again. They should do the same. I don't enjoy being yelled at. Who would?
I'm going to bed soon. I'm sorry that I flooded this journal entry with petty issues, but I wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight if I didn't at least have an outlet for the fire in my veins. Sometimes I just feel like I need a break from life in general. A short break...but a break, regardless.
I'm going to end this here. I've got tomorrow off of work. I'm gonna call Brandon and get my heart recharged with something other than negative vibes. I miss my sweetie. He'll make me smile. He always does.
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