Jack asked me, “Do you ever feel like...and no offense or anything...but, do you ever think that you might be taking advantage of him? That maybe he's just being young and horny and...maybe he doesn't really want this?” The way that he said it, he really didn't mean to insult me. I'm kind of glad that he was able to ask me though. I couldn't believe that I was having an open and honest discussion about something that would probably get me outcast and shunned by the rest of the world before I finished the first few sentences.
“I worried about that. A lot, in fact.” I said. “I try to be responsible enough to slow down, but...it actually hurts him when I do. I'm trying to get him to understand the consequences of rushing into things, but...sometimes I think he understands love better than I do.”
“Psh! Somehow, I doubt that, Eric.” He said.
“It's true. I mean...everything he feels is so magical, and so deep, and so amplified! I actually envy him for the fact that he hasn't been brainwashed out of the purity of it all yet. He hasn't been trained to hide it yet, or to be ashamed of it, or forced tothinkthat he has to restrain and control every aspect of what his heart is giving him with no effort at all.” I said. “I look back at my life, and the times I've been hurt, made mistakes, gathered regrets...and I try to put it all on his shoulders in an attempt to spare him from going through what I've been through. But something about Dustin makes me realize that going through those things made me who I am. And if he's having THIS much fun with it...then that makes me the bad guy. It's the equivalent of tying up a ten year old with a short leash and a straitjacket during recess. Sure he doesn't get hurt, but...all he wants to do is go PLAY like the other kids! I should be so lucky to enjoy life the way he does.”
At this point, Jack got up from the futon and said, “Ok...and now it's 'wine time'.”
“I am WAY too sober to be soaking this all in the way you want me to, bud. You want a glass?”
“Ummm, yeah. Sure. Why not?” I said, and he was back in a jiffy with two wine glasses and a big bargain bottle of White Merlot wine.
As he poured me a glass, he asked, “So no power imbalance, huh?”
“It's a little awkward at first. I don't want him to do anything just to please me or make himself uncomfortable in an attempt to impress. But, after a few stumbling blocks where we try to get to know each other...you create this amazing balance between you. You truly learn to look out for one another. To treasure and respect each other's needs and do your best to provide. In Dustin...I find all of the passion and the humor and the excitement that I used to have when I was his age. It's like experiencing it all over again.” I said. “And in me? Dustin finds all of the wisdom and the life experience and the rapidly expanding world view that he has been so damn EAGER to develop on his own. To just grow up and get excited about his own future. Like I said...there's a balance that evolves out of our concern for each other.”
“This is so wild.” Jack said softly, drinking from his glass.
I took a sip myself, and continued. “We surprise each other at least twice a day. We laugh until it hurts. Sometimes, there isn't even anything funny going on. Hehehe, we just laugh at the fact that we can't stop laughing." Feeling a wave of warm tingles wash over me, I grinned and said, "We go down to Smitty's whenever we work on the same morning...and we go get coffee and big cookies...and then we just talk. Talk. And it's really something special, Jack. Something surreal."
“Well, you certainly sound like you're in love. That's for sure.” He said. “I remember when Philip and I had our first real date. I thought he was a little too god to be true, to be honest. At the time, I was certain that I was misreading his signals and that the whole thing was going to blow up in my face.”
“So what happened?” I asked.
“He took me back to his house while his wife was away...we kissed...we both got naked...I sucked his dick...and then he 'blew up in my face'! Hehehe!”
I laughed at him, and we clinked glasses at the idea of it. Good for him. I wish...I could show my boyfriend off the way he can his.
After a minute or two, I noticed Jack squirming a little bit next to me. Not really in a negative way. If it was, he was really subtle about his discomfort. But it was nearing 'cringe' levels. That much, I could seewithout having to do much guessing. "So...I mean...you know what I'm going to ask you next, right? About Dustin?" I gave him a sideways look, and he continued with, "...The sex? You two have been...well...you know….have you been…?" I hesitated with my answer at first, and he backed down immediately. "Sorry. None of my business."
"No. No, it's ok." I told him. I took a deep breath. I mean DEEP! The kind of breath someone takes before pulling the trigger in a game of Russian r0ulette, or going over Niagra Falls in a wooden barrel. This was admission of CRIMINAL activity, after all. "Yeah. Dustin and I have been...'intimate' with each other. Sure." Ok, that seemed to make Jack REALLY uncomfortable this time! I immediately stopped talking. Had I crossed a line? I don't think he was progressive enough for this part of the conversation. And I was too scared to really go into detail about it. Maybe this was the wrong time for this. "Sorry. Just forget it, ok?" I told him.
"No! It's ok, just...go on. I'm listening. Promise. No hate." He made such a yucky face at me when he said it. And yet, he seemed sincere enough about his curiosity to urge me to go forward. "...Alright!!! I'm SORRY! Ok? Just...I'm not used to this kind of conversation, ok? I've never known a practicing pedophile before. This is new to me. So...give me a minute or two to adjust here." He sort of gave me a halfhearted grin to let me know that he just poking fun...but I was beginning to feel society's moral rejection of everything that I am all over again. That inner voice telling me to shut up, hide my feelings, and swallow my personal joy whole...wishing they would all go away so I could live life the way he does. Easier. Acceptable. Protected. To not be seen as dirty and evil just because my tastes revolve around something that he can't grasp or understand beyond the hatred broadcasted on the latest episode of 'CSI: SVU' on television.
Then...despite the little pinch of misery that I felt in my gut, I managed to continue on anyway.
"His skin...it's like...the finest silk." I said. It was almost as if I merely wanted to sigh out loud in remembrance of it, but those words came out of me instead.
"What?" He asked, his jaw dropped slightly.
"It is. Dustin's skin is...wow. You hold him close to you, and your brain can't comprehend just how soft and smooth and pliable he is. He feels sooooo delicate, Jack. So fragile. Like he's literally going to melt in my arms. Like...I'm going to damage him somehow by not restraining myself. But...at the same time, you just want to hold him and nurture him and protect him from harm. You want to shower him with all the love you have inside and never let go. And he LET'S you. He enjoys the affection without wanting anything in return other than your soft breath on his cheek." I grinned to myself. "I, honestly, think I've spoiled him to the point where we can't sit on the couch together without him physically taking my arm and wrapping it around his slim shoulders like a ratty old security blanket. Not to mention the number of kisses he's stolen from me. If I had a nickel for every surprise kiss that boy has given me I would have bought us a private island by now." Jack didn't really say anything, but I could tell that he was listening. At least he wasn't cringing this time. "Dustin and I fit together in ways that I really don't expect other people to understand. I mean, I'm attracted to boys and he happens to be one...but it's more than that. He's got a brilliant mind. A wicked sense of humor. A demonic wit with the most angelic intentions. A smile that could power the city for a decade straight with its splendor. A touch as gentle as the warm drops of a Summer rain. Lips so full and so pink and so beautiful that to say they were highly addictive would be an extreme understatement. God, his lips are so unimaginably soft." I said. “Even the slightest, most random, of physical touches...anywhere on his body...and he's soooo responsive to it. It's like every inch of his tender skin is one giant G-spot. He twitches and he wiggles and he whimpers...every part of him that my lips connect to quivers with an orgasmic spasm that drives him wild. Especially in those sexy little places where my kisses really matter. Teasing a lover has never been so erotic. Believe me.” I hoped that I wasn't going too far, but he's the first person I've ever been able to tell. I got a little carried away. "Slender hips. And a tiny stomach so flat, a belly button so shallow, that I am completely baffled as to how his waif-like body can possibly contain the massive amounts of junk food and household snacks he gobbles down without exploding. Or at LEAST gaining weight!”
“Yeah, teenagers are crazy like that, I suppose.” He said.
“Heh...you wanna know something weird? When I go shopping for food now? I actually have to make sure that I keep Dustin's ravenous appetite in mind. Like...I seriously make it a point to add his favorite snacks to my grocery list, and make sure that I keep them in the house for whenever he comes over to visit. Is that not the craziest thing you've ever heard of? I've actually worked the brat into my weekly budget! Hehehe!"
Jack still seemed a bit conflicted though. “So sex is just...'sex' then. Right?”
“Well, not exactly. I don't want to push him to do anything he's not ready for.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Oh? So you two haven't...you've never…?”
“No! No way. That's...the advanced class.” I said, finishing off my glass of wine in an attempt to hide my intense blush.
“Have you ever thought about it?” He asked.
“That wine has certainly gone to your head pretty fast. Hehehe!”
“Maybe. But that doesn't answer my question.” He said with a smirk.
I don't think this was a level of 'personal' that I was willing to take with Jack just yet. So I simply told him, “I'd like to think that...maybe someday, when he's older and we've been together for a while...we might try. I don't know. He wants to try, but...”
“Oh! So he asked you, then?” Jack said.
“You know...I think we should just drink our wine and change the subject.” I giggled.
“Awww, and just when things were getting juicy.” He said. Then he poured me another glass full. “I'm going to get you to talk eventually.”
“By pouring me more wine?”
“It's the elixir of the 'truth gods'. So...yes! Hehehe!” Then, after a brief pause...Jack looked at me and rolled his eyes again. With a deep sigh, he said, “Eric?”
“Dustin is...” He stopped for a moment, but then told me, “...He's really hot. Ok? There. I said it. REALLY hot!” My eyes widened, and my jaw dropped, causing Jack to laugh out loud. “That DOESN'T mean that I'm a pedophile or that I'm condoning this whole thing! I'm simply stating the fact that your….boyfriend...is kinda hot. And that's the first and last time that I'll say that out loud. So...there. Do you feel better now?”
A little choked up from the sudden confession, I said, “You have no idea how much that one comment affected me, Jack. Thank you.”
“But I DON'T have a fetish for teenage boys!” He demanded.
“It doesn't matter.” I smiled.
“I mean...it doesn't make me a pervert for seeing beauty where there's...beauty. So don't go thinking that I'm changing my mind on this.”
“I wouldn't ask you to.” I said. “Hehehe, but I'm not CRAZY, right?” Jack didn't want to answer me at first, so I poked and pushed him a few times until I got him to snicker to himself. “He's HOT, right??? I mean...you see it? Don't pussy out on me now! You see it, don't you? He's fucking HOT!”
“God...I shouldn't have said anything. You're not going to be satisfied until you drag me to Hell with you. Ugh!”
“Yes, I am, Jack.” I laughed. “Yes, I am!”
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