- Do I feel any better today? Yeah...maybe a little bit. But not much.
I'd be lying if I said that I didn't still feel hurt by what Trace said to me on the phone yesterday morning. You'd think I'd be angry enough to just let it go and stop thinking about it so much...but I can't. Trace was my friend. You know? We've only known each other for a few months now, but...I'd like to think that we've grown pretty close in that short amount of time. I LIKED Trace! Why was he so mad at me? It sucks that I have to walk around feeling like shit when I should be cursing the fact that I care about him at all.
And you wanna know what REALLY sucks? He's…sighhhhh...he's still fucking cute as hell! Arrggh!
Anyway, I was feeling a little less 'emo' today, and since it was my day off from work, I decided to call Brandon up just to hear his sexy voice in my ear for a while. My mom was home today for some odd reason. Otherwise, I would have had my baby over for some truly naughty adventures in every room of this house. I know that she told me that she didn't like the idea of us being together without her supervision...which basically translates into me not having any fun at all unless she's there to deliberately RUIN it for me! But, I just really wanted to feel good today. I needed something to cheer me up. With all that's going on in my life right now, some hot buttered boy sex would have helped! But, you know...talking to my boyfriend on the phone? Whatever. I'll take what I can get. At least for now.
The first thing he said to me when he saw my number on his phone was, “Omigod! I was just thinking about calling you! That's so weird!”
My heart always melts when I hear him happy like that. I'm like, “Hehehe, well, why didn't you? I might have been waiting on you too.”
He says, “I dunno. I have to kinda 'prepare' myself to talk to you sometimes.”
I'm like, “What? Why?” Grinning from ear to ear.
He says, “You still make me nervous, I think. Or...shit, I don't know! You can be a bit intimidating sometimes.”
I playfully gasped at his comment, and said, “Geez! Thanks a lot! I'm not the boogey man, you know?”
He snickered to himself, and said, “To me, you are! Hehehe!”
I'm like, “WHY???”
And he says, I kid you not, “Because! Somebody as amazingly cute and as perfect as you are shouldn't love me like you do. It's...weird, ok?” Then he's like, “I keep thinking that this whole deal is going to turn out to be some kind of elaborate scheme or something, and I'm the sucker that fell for it. I don't WANT it to be a scheme, Billy. I want...hehehe...I wanna 'keep' you. Like...forever.”
Hehehe, I mean, do you SEE why he's the absolute, end all, be all, cutie of my life? I think my heart had an orgasm when he said that. He's lucky that he wasn't close enough for me to tackle him right then and there, because he would have gotten his bones jumped! In a major way!
Ugh! God, sometimes...it's like I can almost taste him!
After a short giggle, I sighed and said, “I miss you, Brandon. I wanna see you.”
He's like, “I thought your mom was home today?”
I'm like, “She is. Grrrr! I wish she wasn't, though. I really need you right now.”
He said, “Are you feeling alright?”
I told him, “Yeah. I'm fine. Just...'life'. You always make everything awesome. I could use a little 'awesome' right now.”
Brandon was like, “Awwww! Oh no. Don't get too down on yourself, Billy. If you want, I'll swing by and see you tomorrow. K?”
I'm like, “Really? You promise?”
He says, “Wait...well...your mom isn't going to be there tomorrow too, is she?”
I grunted and rolled my eyes, like, “My MOM'S not the boogey man either, Brandon.”
I think he grunted a little bit in return. He says, “You know what I mean, Billy. It's uncomfortable.”
I said, “You're not coming over to see her. You're coming to see me. She won't be here to mess everything up, ok?”
He's like, “I still feel really weird even being there. After we got caught that one time, I don't know if I can even look her in the eye again. I'm so embarrassed. I'm lucky she didn't call my dad!”
I said, “My mom's not like that. Dude, your secret is safe. She just freaked out a little bit because her 'Mommy Genetics' still thinks I'm five years old. That's all.”
He asked, “Well, I mean...what did she say? Besides, you know...that I can't come over anymore?”
I said, “She didn't SAY that. She just...she thinks it's inappropriate to have a boy over when she's not around to...well...like I said, RUIN everything! Kinda defeats the purpose if she's just gonna hover over us the whole time and not let us enjoy ourselves.” Brandon still seemed a bit hesitant, so I'm like, “Look...you're my boyfriend. I came clean and told her that. I'm sixteen. She HAD to assume that I'd have a special somebody SOMEDAY! I'd much rather have her learn to accept that and lay off than for the boy I love more than anything in the world feel unwelcome here. The least she could do is meet me half way on this.” Soon adding, “We're in LOVE! What is she so scared of? It's not like I ran off to Vegas with a 45 year old bank robber or something!”
Brandon laughed out loud at the idea, but I don't think he was any more comfortable with the idea than he was a few minutes ago. I know that he was being cute about it and all...but I could hear the reluctant rejection in his voice when he said, “If things work out tomorrow, and you want me to come over...I'll try to make it. Ok? At least for a little bit.” For a little bit? Like ten minutes? Twenty? FUCK!!! I just want to screw my boyfriend in peace! What the hell?
I didn't want to sound too mad about it, but I think I failed at that attempt. I was like, “Fine. Whatever. Maybe, maybe not. Who cares?”
There was a brief silence on the phone, and Brandon was like, “Billy...we'll make plans to be alone, ok? I want that too. But not at the risk of messing it all up over something so little.”
I pouted and said, “I'm glad you think this isn't a major issue.”
He told me, “That's not what I meant, and you know it. Just chill. Ok?”
I felt like an asshole. I still wished that he could come over here so I could blow ten or fifteen loads up that tight, sexy, ass of his...but once I took a deep breath and calmed my hormones down a bit, I said, “I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound like a jerk. I just miss being close to you. This distance thing is killing me. I can't even hear your voice without wanting to kiss you on the lips. I'm a sad bastard when it comes to you.”
Brandon giggled sweetly. He's like, “Good. I wouldn't have it any other way.” Then...in the softest voice...he moans, “I love you, Billy. I swear to God, I do.”
I told him, “I love you too, baby...” This giant chunk of emotion suddenly clogged up the back of my throat, and I was nearly moved to tears over my utter helplessness in this situation. But I tried to laugh it up, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. And in a trembling voice, I said, “You're only making things worse by being so damn cute about this.”
He giggled again. He's like, “I wish I could have you come over here instead, but...my dad...you know?”
I'm all like, “Yeah. I know. It's not worth the risk.”
He was quick to tell me, “It's NOT that I'm ashamed of you, or...well, 'us'...it's just that I think I need a lot more time before I tell him that...I like boys. You know?”
Now that I'm out to my mom, my best friend, and the people I work with...I could feasibly sit there and tell him how easy it would be to just give up the big secret and get it off of his chest, once and for all. I could tell him about the freedom and the fresh air and the joy involved with finally being able to admit it to the people you've been hiding it from for so long. But, looking back at some of my old diary entries and remembering what it was like for me to be in his position...I decided not to push the issue. It wasn't easy for me, why should I expect it to be easy for Brandon? I remember the terror behind keeping that secret. The sleepless nights, the daily withdrawal, the fear that someone caught me staring at another boy with a glazed look in my eyes. I remember it all. So I just said, “Yeah. I guess I can understand that.” Instead of trying to push my own agenda in his face. I guess it's a journey we all walk at our own pace. And while I wish I could go over there and slam my FACE in his naked crotch until I taste his cum in my mouth...I'd rather wait until we were both comfortable with being together. Free. Happy. Respectful of each other's position in all this madness.
Hehehe, still, the second I hung up that phone, I jacked off like twice in a row! GOD, I want that boy's meat in my mouth again! He said he MIGHT come over, and I'm going to make sure that my mom goes to work and STAYS at work this time! Even if I have to take the bus up there and slash her fucking tires to keep her from casually racing home early like last time!
That's what she gets for being unpredictable and SPYING on me when I just wanna be left alone! Hehehe!
That said...I got another message from Jimmy tonight. And not a pleasant one.
You know, last night, I was angry that he was trying to bully me into a fucked up conversation that I REALLY didn't want to have with him! It was just going to end up hurting his feelings. That was going to make him feel like shit, and then I was going to feel like shit for doing it to him. But I'm truly reaching my limit, here!
You wanna know what he says to me? He says:
“So I guess you're dead then? Since you won't answer me. I never took you for a total coward, Billy! Why can't we just talk this out? What are you hiding for? Are you afraid that you're going to realize that you made a mistake, and that maybe you're with the wrong person? Because that's an awfully lame reason for you to ignore me.”
What the FUCK is he talking about???
Look, I don't want to get upset and start yelling at him or anything. I'm trying my best to keep the peace, here. But how am I supposed to just sit back and let him TALK to me like this? What do I owe him? Nothing! I tried to be honest, and polite, and sympathetic...but he just won't leave me alone. And now he's trying to emotionally bully me into doing what *HE* wants, whether it makes me miserable or not. And I'm just not going to take it anymore. I've done all I can to avoid a full blown battle about this supposed break up of ours, but he's seriously starting to piss me off. And there's only so much that I can take.
So let's do it! Fuck Jimmy LaPlane!!! If this is the game he wants to play, then let both sides play to win! Because I was trying to take the higher ground and spare his heart some misery...but he just can't let it go. So now he gets the 'tough love' side of me.
My dad taught me to DEAL with my problems, head on. And I'm just done pulling punches with this kid. Fragile emotions or not, Jimmy needs to learn some manners. And if it takes some tears and heartbreak to get him to release his stranglehold on me, then so be it. Enough is enough.
I didn't answer Jimmy tonight either. If I had, I would have given him both barrels for being a fucking DOUCHEBAG to me! But I also know that hiding from this isn't going to work for me any longer.
I know, I know...Sam told me to stay away. But I can't. Not if I'm going to be constantly harassed like this! Jimmy could have left me the fuck alone...but he JUST kept pushing! So now he gets what he gets! I'll deal with the guilt and regret later.
Right now, I just need him to get off my back. I have a boyfriend now. I'm HAPPY! And if he cared for me at all, he'd be happy for me. Hurt? Maybe. But happy that I had moved on. Or...or something. Whatever.
I'm going to stop writing now. This is pissing me off. And I'm still kind of upset that I couldn't see Brandon today because my mom is being so unreasonable about us being together. Like...ever.
Grrr! The age of 18 can't come fast enough! I'm gonna have sex with Brandon FIFTY times a day the second I get out of this house! Just to make up for everything I missed out on when we were being 'obedient' to house rules. Watch.
Alright, I'm too frustrated to sleep right now, but I'm sure there's some porn online or something that can help me to get some sleep. Time to lock my bedroom door and grab that sock with the hole in it and the bright yellow stains. Hopefully, my mom won't kick open the door and want to monitor THAT part of my life too! Geez!
Ps- What the hell??? I saw another little red mark on my forehead today! I've been using that anti-zit stuff on my skin, and that first one was almost ready to go away! Now I'm getting ANOTHER one???? That's so fucking unfair! What the hell is my body DOING to me? I'm gonna double up on washing my face and putting the cream on the red spots. I DON'T want to have some kind of vicious break out where I'm scaring children in the streets! When does this pimple thing end, anyway? I'm gonna wash my face again right NOW! Go away, dammit! GO AWAY!!!
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