He seemed to squirm a bit from the announcement of the question itself, which pretty much gave me the answer that I was looking for. "I didn't say that." He told me.
"You're a virgin, aren't you? Like...a total virgin? You've never gone beyond some tissues, some lotion, and a few dirty thoughts, have you?"
He blushed instantly. The thing is...it wasn't really a good blush. As someone who thinks that everything that Dallas does is utterly adorable...I could tell that this was something that he was slightly embarrassed about, so I worked hard to erase the flirty smile from my lips. "There's nothing wrong with that." He said. Confidently at first, but then followed it up with, "Right? I just turned 16 last month. It's not THAT weird, right?"
"Weird that you're a virgin?" I asked with a grin. "Sorry, but...you just don't seem like the type."
"There's a type?" He said sarcastically. "What does a virgin teenager look like, in your world?"
"I dunno! Ummm...not like YOU. That's for sure." I said.
As beautiful as he was, I think he actually felt somewhat 'self conscious' about such a flattering comment! For boys that cute...I didn't think that was possible. Isn't he used to being drooled over by now? "What's that supposed to mean? Hehehe!"
"It means...you just..." I stumbled for a second, and the best thing I could come up with was, "...Boys like you don't make it to the age of 16 and remain virgins. Not in this day and age."
Dallas gave me such a strange look. "Boys like me? This day and age? Hehehe, you're just being silly now, right?"
"No! Like...ugh..." Straighten up, Sonny. Let the words come to you. "...I think..." Steady your voice. Stop TREMBLING so much!!! "...I think you're really cute, Dallas." I saw his blush deepen a bit. Omigod, it was so adorable that I had to turn away. "Hehehe, it's just...boys like you...you usually start getting playful little love notes and kisses on the cheek from girls in your class by the age of ten. By the time you're 12 or 13...you're making out, and some are even dry humping on the living room couch when nobody's home. People are drawn to you, Dallas. I, naturally, half expected you to have a few tic marks on your scorecard by now."
"Heh...yeah, well...I don't." He said. "I don't know, I just think...I can wait for a time when it can be special, you know? I can be patient. If that's what it takes. Call me crazy, but I kinda want to share that special moment with somebody that I really love."
I said, "Love is easy enough to find, dude."
He replied, "SEX is easy to find. Love has to be earned. Like...through challenges, and shared interests, and sacrifice. It's something that you have to work for, and I don't mind working for it. I don't mind being alone until I find somebody that's worth the effort. If it was just served up to me on a silver platter...what would be the point?"
I was in awe of him, but ashamed of myself at the same time. I never knew what to feel when I was staring into those gorgeous eyes of his.
He asked, "Have you really had sex with six people since you've been here? At Hillside, I mean?"
I never once felt 'dirty' about the things that I've done until he asked me that question. Something about the look in his eyes caused me to lower my self esteem to levels that barely allowed me to speak. "I don't know. Maybe." I lied.
"It's ok. It's not a judgement or anything. Sometimes I wish I was getting laid too." He smiled.
"You think it's dirty...don't you?"
"No. I just...I don't know how you do it. I mean, did you even know them beforehand?"
"I got to know them pretty well during." I chuckled, hoping to lighten things up a little bit. "You know...it feels good. And I know that it won't last for very long. I don't expect it to. But...in that one moment, when you're right in the middle of the act, when your body is on fire and your heart is beating out of control, when your breath is heavy and you're both racing towards that sexual finale...you feel alive, you know? Like you matter to somebody. Like...you can give them just as much pleasure as they're giving you. Sure, it's fleeting, but what 'feel good' moment isn't?"
Dallas, quite innocently, asked me, "Well, don't you feel good when you're not having sex?"
I knew the answer to that question...but I've been avoiding it for longer than he could ever imagine. It's hard to say out loud. "You know, my mom...she started dating this 'guy' after my dad left. He was...some kind of accountant or something. I don't know if my mom had any real feelings for him, but she was getting the bills paid and had a steady supply of alcohol in the dining room cabinet, so she didn't complain." I thought back to him and his ugly mustache. The memory of his scent came back to me in an instant. "He found out that I was gay by snooping around on my computer. My mom never outed me to him. I think she thought it would screw up her chances if the guy knew he had a fag in the house. She never really came out and said it, but I'm pretty sure she was ashamed of me." I said. It's weird, but while parts of this story should hurt me deeply, I had grown a rough callous around my heart. I barely felt anything at all. "Well, once he found out that I was queer...he basically made me an offer. If I kept him happy...I could stay."
"Kept him happy?" Dallas asked.
"Yeah. 'Kept him happy'." I replied, looking him in the eye as he took the hint.
"Hopefully, you got the hell out of there."
"Nope. I kept him happy. He got what he wanted...and I got to stay. End of story." I said. "People only love you as long as they can use you. Once you stop being useful, you're not worth the effort anymore. I had to learn the hard way that my happiness doesn't matter to anybody else but me. Give just enough to trick people into paying you some attention, and then take what you can before they lose interest. I'm not one for fairy tale endings, Dallas. It's a fool's bet, expecting someone to care. I'm better off making somebody appreciating a sexy orgasm, or blowing a hot load of cum in my mouth, than I am wishing for rainbows and pixie dust. It's just not my vibe."
The way that Dallas looked at me...he seemed so...disturbed. I avoided his eyes. I didn't expect him to understand. What does he know? He's still a virgin anyway. It's my life, and I worked things out the best way that I knew how. I don't make any apologies for it. Why should I? I'm happy just being me, the rest of the world be damned. I don't ask for permission. I don't beg for forgiveness. Deal with it.
"I care." Dallas said softly.
Those two words...they hurt me. I don't know how. I don't know why. But they stabbed me right in the heart. I felt this intense pressure on my chest, and tried to scoff at the idea to keep from tearing up. "You're supposed to save that for AFTER the slow and sexy blowjob, genius. Heh..."
"I don't need all that. I'm sure plenty of other people would agree with me." I looked him in the eye, and he smiled at me. "I'm totally satisfied just sitting here talking to you. So give me some credit."
"Credit given." I said. "You're still a big ol' virgin, though."
"Hehehe, my day will come. Just you wait."
"Well, don't say that I didn't make you an offer." I grinned.
"Trust me, if I liked guys, I might just make an honest man out of you."
"Ha! Yeah, good luck with that." I said. Dallas started to giggle, which turned into another series of coughs. And then I saw a small trickle of blood running out of his nose. "Dude...your nose..."
Dallas didn't even feel it until the narrow stream rolled over his lips. He wiped it off on his sleeve. "Sorry. Jesus. That's the third time today. My bad, that's gross."
"Maybe you should see if one of the doctors can give you something. That's not a good sign." I told him, genuinely concerned.
"Oh please, it's just a little nosebleed. Besides, the medics in this place are already about to faint from exhaustion. By the time I get in line behind the rest of the incoming refugees, they'll be dead on their feet." He said. "Speaking of which, I'm feeling a little drowsy myself. I should probably get back and lay down for a while. Once I get some sleep, I'm sure I'll feel much better."
"Yeah. I'm fine." He said. So I stood up on my feet and offered him my hand. I pulled him up and his head was spinning. He leaned back against the lockers with a cute little grin. "Whoah...I got up a little too fast there. Hehehe!"
Without even knowing what I was doing, I was suddenly leaning forward. The 'pull' of his smile had completely rendered me helpless, and gave me no warning as gently kissed Dallas on the lips. It was brief, but it electrified me, inside and out.
Obviously, he was surprised. "Hehehe, what was that for?"
I blushed, and looked down at my shoes. "That's...for caring about me...when you didn't have to."
There was a quiet moment between us. Then he just put an arm over my shoulder and started walking back to the sleeping area with me. "Don't get too used to doing that. I've got a reputation to uphold around here." He laughed.
He seemed so close, and yet sooooo far away at the same time. Of all the people I could have had a heart crushing infatuation with...I had definitely chosen the wrong one.
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