- I tried to keep myself out of trouble. I really did. I just wanted to mind my own business and get back to my own life without bothering anybody. But sometimes it seems like I'm always either seeking out unnecessary drama...or it comes looking for me. Which makes it pretty much unavoidable for more than a week or two at a time. So...great. I'm stuck with it.
Was I unknowingly cursed by a voodoo witch at some point in my childhood? Did I accidentally take home a rock from a cursed Hawaiian volcano or something? Why the hell can't I just step around this kind of garbage when it comes my way?
This morning started off fine enough. I picked up my phone to see if maybe Brandon still wanted to hang out today. I know that he basically gave me a really weak 'maybe' as a response, but I know my sweetheart. Hehehe, if I don't come back and at least give him a little poke in the ribs about it, he'll hide from me until it's too late for us to do much of anything today. I wanted to get my sexy boyfriend NAKED, dammit! That's all there is to it! He'll just have to be stubborn on another day!
The funny thing is, the second I checked my messages, I saw two of them from Ian. He was asking if I was still coming over this weekend for the beginning of his movie shoot. I had totally forgotten that it was the weekend already. A weekly school schedule is pretty stable, and it lets you know these things without fail. But my fluctuating work schedule can sometimes trick me into forgetting what day it is altogether.
Anyway, he was totally cool with me just coming over tomorrow. It's a Sunday. And my mom only works for a few hours on Saturday's sometimes, but she's home all day on Sunday. Which means that I pretty much have to venture out and go find my freedom elsewhere while she watches reruns on TV and basically 'guards' the house like some kind of Brandon-hating attack dog. No better time to head out to Ian's homemade movie set, right?
We traded a few messages, and he asked me if it would be ok to call me on the phone and talk in real time. Hehehe, Ian was always so polite, but also a little worried, about talking to me one on one. I couldn't figure out why. It's not like I was a celebrity or anything...but I was honored by the fact that he felt the urge to fawn all over me whenever he got the nerve.
I said it was cool, and Ian called to give me some details about tomorrow. I could hear him getting more and more excited as he talked about it, the sound of him turning pages in his notebook on the other end of the line getting playfully frantic. He was like, "Is it possible for you to wear all black tomorrow? But, not like...sweatpants or anything. Nothing TOO fancy, but maybe a black t-shirt and some black jeans? Something you can move in. Do you have black sneakers to wear?"
I'm like, "Hehehe, I'm sure that I can dig up an all black outfit for tomorrow. I love dark colors anyway."
He said, "AWESOME! Omigod, it's gonna look so COOL on camera once I get the lighting just right! Trust me! We'll start shooting in my backyard first, and some on the back porch. Then there's a park just a few blocks away from my house that we can walk to for some more practice shots. We can make it all in one trip if you don't mind helping me carry some of the equipment and stuff. It wont be too heavy. Promise!"
I said, "I don't mind, dude. After the special effects you added to the last little bit of practice videos we shot, I'm actually pretty hyped up over seeing what else you can do with it!"
This got Ian even more anxious, and he giggled out loud, saying, "Oh WOW! You LIKED 'em??? Oh man, wait until you see some of the stuff I learned since last week! I'm becoming a wiz with After Effects now! It's gonna blow your mind!" Then he's like, "Say, you don't object to, maybe wearing a LITTLE bit of make-up on camera, do you? NOT much! Just, like...maybe under your eyes, and some on your cheeks. Maybe we could slick your hair back a little bit? My cousin, Holly, is coming over to help. She's got fake vampire fangs and everything. But we've only got two pair, so we'll have to all share them. With me cleaning and sanitizing them before we switch, of course." He got into this long outburst of joyful ramblings and technical jargon that I only pretended to understand for fear that I'd miss something if I asked him to stop and explain it to me. But he was so excited about it all, it got my heart beating faster too. Hehehe, I should probably give that mini script of his another glance before I go over there tomorrow.
Ian talked about lights and shading and royalty free background music for the score and different angles...I think a good 25 minutes had passed before I realized that I was supposed to be talking to Brandon about coming over today! Hehehe! But I agreed to the make-up, I agreed to the free labor of helping him lug stuff around from one location to the other, and I agreed to my all black, vampire movie, uniform, without batting an eye. I'm totally in! Let's GO!
However, when I asked him, "I'm betting Bobby is all geared up to be your leading man in this whole production!"...there seemed to be a change in his voice. Not a sad or angry tone...just different.
He said, "Yeah. Well, I hope so." I thought that was a really odd answer for him to give me, as Bobby was always his most exciting adventure of all where Ian was concerned. He was like, "Bobby hasn't been himself lately. I dunno. I think...maybe I did something to piss him off or something. I keep trying to get him to talk to me about it, but he insists that everything is cool and he just...he starts acting nice again. But it doesn't last. We part ways or I hang up the phone or whatever...and then the next time I talk to him...it's like we have to start all over again from square one."
How Bobby Jinette can just work soooo hard to screw things up between him and Ian is actually starting to aggravate the living shit out of me. Why won't he just snap out of it? What is he so worried about? All that stuff about there 'always being somebody better' has seriously warped hi brain beyond repair. I'm like, "Do you want me to talk to him? Maybe find out what's going on in his head?"
Ian was quick to say, "No. Please don't, Billy. K? I'll figure something out eventually. If he finds out that I've even been talking to you about this, things are only gonna get worse." Ugh! Ian's such a nice guy. This seems so unfair. He says, "I probably smother him too much or something. Maybe he just needs a little space for a while."
I said, "There's only so much Summer left, dude. The least he could do is tell you what's bugging him."
But Ian was just like, "Well, apparently, I'm what's bugging him. Heh..." It was such a sad little attempt of making a joke out of it, but he recovered by saying, "I think I'm just too wrapped up in this movie thing. I don't know. Maybe he needs more space, maybe he needs more attention, I just need to figure things out so I can get better at this whole 'boyfriend' thing."
Trying to hold back my frustration, I told him, "You don't have to get better at anything, dude. What have you done wrong? NOTHING! He just...Bobby just..." There was soooo much that I wanted to say to him to make him believe that he was an awesome boyfriend and had nothing to worry about. But how do I do that without...you know spilling the beans about everything Bobby told me NOT to tell him. I was just like, "...You're fine, Ian. Ok? Better than fine. You're great."
This time, his short-lived giggle was a bit more lighthearted. He was like, "Wow...Billy Chase just told me that I was 'great'. There's a highlight for the afternoon. Hehehe!"
I said, "Well, it's true. Ok? Just give Bobby a slap and tell him to quit mistreating you before you decide you're fed up with it and move on to somebody else."
There was a brief pause.
Then Ian was just like, "Yeah. I...I guess." There was something weird about the way he said that. I mean, I wasn't suggesting that he break up with Bobby! I was just trying to get him to demand some kind of mutual affection without Bobby's usual bag of mind games and parlor tricks.
Then, at that moment, I got a message on my phone. I looked at the screen and saw Jimmy LaPlane's name pop up. I'm sure it was another one of his schizophrenic flip-flops where he writes back to me to apologize for the angry words he had for me yesterday. He'll tell me how sorry he is, and I'll tell him not to worry about it, which he'll take as my secret way of telling him that I'm in love with him again...and I'll have to break his heart again...and then he'll send me even more angry words...repeat. I swear, I wish I could just cryogenically freeze myself and wake up after this whole fiasco I over and done with.
At this point, Ian sighed to himself and said, "You know, I think I'm gonna go and work out some of the details for tomorrow. K?"
I asked him, "Are you sure you're cool?"
He's like, "Yeah. Definitely."
I'm like, "So...about two O'clock or something?"
He says, "Maybe closer to four or five. Around sunset. Your parents won't mind, right?"
I told him that my mom would be cool with it as long as I didn't come strolling in the house at midnight or something. So we made a plan and figured we'd work out the rest of the details in the late afternoon. Then I went to check Jimmy's message, expecting some kind of whiney excuse for being pissed at me. A message that I was planning to ignore with the hopes of breaking the cycle and moving on.
Well...that was no the message that I got...
"You're such a fucking coward! I know you're getting my messages! But instead of growing a pair and talking to me, you're just hiding out! You're just hoping that this all goes away! I know you're not happy, Billy! And when Brandon dumps your ass again, don't come crying to me like last time! I know how to hide too!"
I immediately started answering his message. IMMEDIATELY! While I was still shaking with rage!
"You know what, Jimmy? FUCK YOU TOO!!! I've tried to be understanding, I've tried to be forgiving, I tried to talk to you, I even tried to ignore you! But you just keep PUSHING! You can't fucking leave it alone! Well, I'm telling you right now to KNOCK IT OFF!!! I'm not going to let you shame or bully me into feeling ANYTHING for you! We're NOT together! We were NEVER together! So quit bothering me and fuck off!!! I tried to be nice, but you brought this on yourself! If you're so friggin' great, then go find yourself a boyfriend! I've already got one!"
And that was that! I didn't want to be the bad guy, but I'm not going to sit here and let him abuse me the way he is. Why should I? He needs to grow up! I regret ever being crazy enough to hook up with Jimmy in the first place. If he hadn't tried so hard to wedge his way in between me and Brandon in the first place, that whole situation NEVER would have happened! I'm SICK of even having to think about this anymore!
Just then, my phone rang.
I didn't answer it. Fuck him. I HOPE he's hurting! Let it sting! Maybe now he'll get the message and leave me the hell alone!
His call went to voicemail, but he called right back. Then, he called a third time, and I angrily picked up just long enough for me to say, "I'm not talking to you. Get lost." Then I hung up again.
I'll be honest, there's a part of me that started having this sinking feeling that I had been unacceptably harsh with him...but I fought that feeling with everything I had. Trace was right. I spend so much time and energy trying to help and save other people from getting hurt or feeling alone, that I don't have any energy left for myself when *I* get hurt, or I'm feeling alone. Not this time. Like I said, it's time I break the cycle. Jimmy's broken is not my fault. Not anymore. He can't just 'harass' his way back into my life. That's not how life works. Not for me, not for him, not for anybody. So I hope it hurts. Maybe now he'll knock it off.
When I finally got around to calling Brandon...he sheepishly told me that he was sorry and that he couldn't make it over today. Which pretty much fucked up the rest of my day. I asked him, "Why not? Brandon, if this is about my mom..."
But he's like, "No, it's not that. It's my dad. He brought a pizza home for lunch, and some root beer...he wanted us to watch some movies and do some kind of 'Father/Son' stuff today...I'm sorry, Billy. I think he meant for it to be a surprise."
I felt like I wanted to just collapse on my bed and just give up. It was so stupid. EVERYTHING is stupid right now!
I'm just like, "K. I guess I'll just see you whenever, then..."
I heard Brandon's voice lowered to a near whisper as he got up to close the door to his room. "Babe? Are you alright? What's wrong?"
I said, "It's not you, ok? I'm just...my day sucks. Just one kiss from you would have made things so much better." I said it out loud, but then regretted laying the guilt trip on him. I'm like, "Sorry. It's not your fault. I'll survive. Just...have fun with your dad. I'll call you tomorrow."
He said, "Billy...if you want to talk, we can talk..."
But before he got into making any big sacrifices, I said, "I do. I want to talk, but it's cool if we do it tomorrow. I hope you don't mind me blowing off some steam. I just want this day to be over."
Brandon waited a few seconds to see if I'd change my mind and just start spouting off about all the things swirling around in my head...but everything would take so much backstory and explanation before I even got to the events of the last hour that I'd end up keeping him on the phone all night. I'm sure his dad would just LOVE that.
So, after another second or two, he said, "I love you, Billy. K? I mean that."
He whispered it so quietly that I barely heard the words at all. But his dad was in the house, so that was to be expected, I guess. I'm just like, "I love you too, Brandon. Always."
I felt like crap when I hung up. Hollow inside. I can't even really explain it, really. There was just this ache in my chest, like a rapidly swelling bubble of air in the center of my heart that refused to 'pop'. My heart felt like it would pop first.
Then I heard my mom coming home and felt what little freedom I had in having the house to myself got stolen away from me too. I just sighed out loud and laid back on my bed. I can't be with my boyfriend, Jimmy's somewhere probably crying his eyes out because of me, and I'm sure that Sam's going to holler at me something awful when HE finds out. But, whatever. Maybe if I just try to go to bed early, I can hit the reset button on the last 24 hours and start this day all over again.
Things have to get better than this. They just have to.
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