I can't remember the last time a morning shower felt so refreshing. Not only did it scrub me clean of a long night's worth of caked on sweat and 'liquor stank', but I think the steam helped to open up my sinuses a bit and soothe my building headache before it reached its full, agonizing, potential. Thank goodness for small miracles, right?
I let the warm water run over my face for a bit, and washed my hair with the sweet smelling shampoo I found on the side of the tub. Every muscle relaxed, my worried mind calming its frantic inner monologue down to an acceptable roar. I barely remember what I told Jack last night. Well, not word for word, anyway. But the emotions still lingered, and I hope I didn't make too much of a fool out of myself. I know what I have to do now. It might seem a little bit scary, but I'm going to truly regret not visiting Dustin in the hospital before he gets discharged, or whatever. I know that he's going to live, and that they basically just held him for observation purposes...but I should be there. It's what any stand up boyfriend would do for the boy of is dreams. My sweetie should expect no less of me. Not ever.
I had to put some of Jack's toothpaste on my index finger and brush my teeth as best I could, rinsing twice with the mouthwash on the sink. Fixed my hair, and then put my same clothes on from last night. What? It's not like I brought a spare set of clothes to change into! I just need to keep from being naked until I can get home and put on something fresh. I'm pretty sure that driving naked is a whole different kind of police problem. Hehehe!
I took Jack's extra key, and a single green apple off of his kitchen table before walking out of his apartment. I even remembered to clean out the bathtub. Far be it from me to be a dirty houseguest. I was extremely thankful for Jack's help last night. A friendly and understanding ear is precisely what I needed to keep from feeling like such a creep about this whole situation. It makes me feel so guilty sometimes. And then I start feeling guilty about feeling guilty. And then I realize that it's not fair to Dustin to torture myself this way...and I start feeling guilty about feeling guilty about feeling guilty...and down the rabbit hole I go until I'm almost driven MAD by the never-ending drop into confusion and despair. The only thing that saves me is the fact that my feelings for my blond angel...are real. I'm not just manufacturing fake infatuations for him, justified by the fact that he's one of the hottest boys I've ever seen before in my life. I care about him. Enough to put myself in a potentially dangerous situation just to make him smile. How crazy is that?
The more I think about it, the more I realize it to be true. Love can be greedy, but it's never selfish. Love can be frustrating, but it's never without its reward. If I was going to simply think about myself and worry only about my own feelings, I might have run away from this crazy ordeal and hide in the bushes somewhere until this whole nightmare was over. I could have dropped Dustin off at the hospital and honked the horn for some well-meaning staff nurse to come out and grab him. Or I could have, as the receptionist said...tried to fix the problem myself at home. But I didn't. I didn't go down that road because that boy means everything to me, and him being hurt meant more to me than any trouble 'getting caught' could bring my way. More than my insecurities. More than my freedom. And the more I realized just how raw and how true my feelings for Dustin were...the more I began to feel better about it. Because our being together meant something. It was real. And if they throw me in the darkest, dirtiest, prison on Earth tomorrow for the amazing times we've both shared as partners...they'll never be able to take that love away from me. Not ever.
I think that helped me to walk a little taller than I did before. Strange, right?
I got into my car and started up the engine, grinning to myself as the first song I heard on the radio was Cheap Trick's 'I Want You To Want Me', which got me feeling all gooey inside. Heh, I know it was just a random coincidence, but being human...you sometimes wonder why that particular song was playing on that particular station at that particular moment. It creates this weird feeling of destiny, practically assaulting your common sense. And yet, you allow it because it tickles the senses. It gives your life that extra touch of 'meaning' that you've been searching for. It makes you feel like everything might just be alright after all.
That feeling has been running through me nonstop since the first time Dustin's lips touched mine. It's gotten to the point that I can't imagine what I'd do without it.
I was driving back to my house when I came to a red light, tapping my thumbs on the steering wheel. I wasn't far from my old high school, and I drive past this street all the time without really thinking much about it...but today...
I happened to see a giant cluster of teenage boys jogging up to the street corner. There had to be at least 15 to 20 of them, possibly from the track tream, judging by their slender build, all dressed in my high school's colors...burgundy red shorts and glaring white t-shirts...all bunched up in the same spot. It was instinct alone that caused me to suddenly gasp and hold my breath at the mere sight of them. So many times, I've been working in the mall...and I've seen a group of boys all crowded together like that. My heartbeat would start pounding, my temperature would rise, and I'd do my best to keep my erection from swelling to an obscenely visibly degree. I half expected to experience the same thing at that stop light.
Soooooo many cute boys! Blonds, brunettes, red heads...all with their smooth, coltish, legs exposed for me to gawk at. Their 'melt away' babyfat showing off their sensual cheekbones, soft lips parted with boyish breath as their morning run had caused their soft skin to be flushed with a tint of dark pink. Damp with perspiration, I watched the entire squad run in front of my car...those energetic shafts of sexually adolescent meat bouncing playfully behind the thin fabric shielding their manhood from my eyes. Floppy mops of boyish haircuts bouncing in time with the sensual jiggle of the bubbled, teen cheeks behind them. It was a breathtaking sight to behold. There was a time when such a sight would have given me enough hardcore sexual fantasies to last me the next few weeks. God knows they were gorgeous! Every last ONE of them! If granted the power of mind control, I'd have every last one of them over to my house for an orgy of epic proportions. Oh my...the very TASTE of them would be divine! They could take turns feeding me the sopping wet offering that I was craving from them...and not just once, either. Hehehe!
At least...that's what I would have been thinking...if I wasn't on my way to see the most beautiful boy of them all.
What the hell is wrong with me? What one boy could be so damned important that I could practically ignore an entire herd of healthy young track stars being paraded past the windshield of my car without a second look. Well...I definitely gave them a FIRST look, because...I'm a certified pervert! Hehehe! But...yeah...they ceased to matter outside of merely capturing my attention at first glance. I mean...who are they? What makes them laugh? What makes them special? Would they sit on a couch and watch 'Sharknado' with me, or suddenly stop in the middle of a crowded grocery store so I accidentally bumped into their tight little butts from behind? Hehehe, I don't know. I think I'm actually loosing it here. If I don't end up in jail, I'm probably going to end up in an asylum somewhere. It's almost guaranteed.
When I got home, I immediately changed into a clean pair of sneakers, put on a pair of black jeans, and then started going through my closet to look for a specific shirt to wear. I had actually gone through my wardrobe for nearly five minutes before I realized that I was purposely looking for something that Dustin would like on me...you know, instead of simply dressing myself like an ADULT! Hahaha! I haven't done this since I was even younger than Dustin is now. I'm being goofy. His favorite color is blue. I'll wear blue.
Did I have the jitters driving back to that hospital? Oh GOD, yes! I was shivering to the point of nearly making myself SICK, and prayed that nobody that was there when I checked Dustin in would be working today. Hell, I half expected a photo of me to be plastered all of the walls of the hospital, saying, 'If you see this man, report to the authorities immediately!' But I didn't turn around. I couldn't. If anything, I became even more determined to leap over every obstacle between us. Love makes you do crazy things sometimes.
When I found a spot in the hospital parking lot...I turned the engine off...and I sat there for a moment.
I don't know if it was a moment to simply collect myself...or if some inner wisdom was searching for legitimate reasons for me to abandon this foolish pursuit, turn around, and go back home. But after a few nervous breaths...I took the keys out of the ignition and opened the door.
As I walked toward the hospital entrance, I couldn't help but to notice the 'black globe' parking lot cameras all around me. Recording the fact that I was even there. But despite my paranoid stage fright...I just kept walking.
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