- I feel a little awkward about some of the stuff that happened today. I mean...something isn't quite right. I can feel it.
When I finally woke up this morning (God, it felt like I had been sleeping for WEEKS!), the first thing I did was rub my eyes and get all angry at Jimmy again. Not at all at once...but the moment the very thought of him crossed my mind, I could feel the fire burning deep down in my gut, heating me up all over again. The fucking nerve of him, harassing me like that! I tried to ignore it, then I tried to talk to him about it, then I even tried to outright confront him about...but he just wants to keep pushing and pushing and pushing until he gets his way. Well he can't HAVE it his way this time! Deal with it and leave me alone. All he had to do was take some time to calm down. I wouldn't even mind him being totally pissed at me, if that had to be his personal therapy for his heartbreak. But to constantly bash and batter me with message after message about how I'm with the wrong guy and how I'm a coward or telling me that I'm some kind of heartless monster for not being head over heels in love with him...it just makes him a nuisance. And I'm sick of it. We're done. Over. I don't know how else to make that clear to him.
Just...ugh! Sometimes, when you wake up like that...that mood sticks to you like tar for the rest of the day. Sucks.
Anyway, I knew that I was going over to Ian's later for some of his movie, so I got my black jeans, black t-shirt, and black shoes, out to put on my bed. Even got my black dress socks out, hehehe! I wondered what the heck he was going to have me doing today. It was only the first day, and he said that it would be easy stuff...but 'easy compared to what'?
I think the most challenging part of today was dealing with Bobby's jealousy. But, I'll get to that a bit later.
Once I hopped into the shower, I started thinking about Bobby being so worried about Ian even knowing that I liked boys. Like...at all. He seriously thinks that I'm going to take his boyfriend away from him...just because I'm gay. What sense does that make? It's not like every guy in the whole world is instantly attracted to me. That's just silly. I highly doubt Ian notices me in that way. We just talk. What's wrong with talking to somebody cool? You know? I like Ian. He's fun.
Anyway, while I was thinking about ways to put Bobby's biggest fears to rest...I started thinking about Brandon, and how he might be taking this whole thing. I mean, he never really gave me any hints about his objection to me doing Ian's movie. But, considering that I'm going to be there with the boy that I...well...nearly destroyed our relationship forever for...he might not like that so much. The last thing I want is for Brandon to start thinking like Bobby Jinette.
I made sure to call him up early this afternoon, and was instantly rewarded by hearing my happy boy say, "Billy! What's up, sexy?"
I'm like, "Hehehe, well somebody's dad is out of the house for a while!" Knowing that he'd never say that when his father could possibly overhear him.
He says, "Maaaaaybe. Why? You wanna come over and check under my bed for him?"
Wow! What the heck brought this on? I'm like, "You're in one hell of a good mood today! Can I? Just for a little while?"
Brandon laughed it off, like, "I was kidding, goofball. My dad just stepped out for a bit to grab some groceries for the house. So not today."
I'm like, "Damn! Ah well, I tried."
He's all like, "Good. Well keep trying, because I'm feeling a little frisky today. It makes me miss you something awful."
There is something so HOT about hearing Brandon say the word 'frisky'. For a moment there, I almost thought about calling Ian and telling him I had Malaria or something so I could spend time with my boyfriend today. Sighhh...we need to find a way to be together again. Like...soon!
We did get to sweet talk one another for a little bit, just reconnecting and feeling our passionate bond holding stronger than ever before. I was hoping I didn't ruin the moment when he asked me what I was up to for the day.
I was like, "Yeah...I kinda wanted to talk to you about that." I don't know what made me nervous all of a sudden. It's not like I was going to do anything 'evil'. But I felt a few jitters, regardless. I said, "I just...I wanted to be totally honest with you about this thing with Ian today."
Brandon was like, "Oh right! The kung fu vampire flick, right?"
I said, "Yeah. Ummm...you know that Bobby's going to be there, right? I mean, like...I told you that part, didn't I?"
Brandon says, "Well, I kind of assumed he'd be there. He's Ian's boyfriend after all."
So I asked him, "Are you ok with that?"
Brandon seemed a little confused by the question. He was like, "Of course I'm ok with it. Why wouldn't I be?" I told him that if he had any bad ideas about me and Bobby spending time together, he just replied, "I really don't think I'm worried about you spending time with Bobby Jinette." However, a second later, he shyly asked, "I mean...are you worried about spending time with Bobby today?"
Way to go, Billy! Add suspicion where there wasn't any. I quickly answered, "No! No, not at all! I just...I wanted to be honest about it. You know, just in case."
Brandon smiled, and he says, "You know...when we're together, and you look me in the eye...it's like nothing I've ever experienced before. When you say you love me, I not only hear it...I feel it. All over. From head to toe. And when we kiss....that's about as real as it gets." Then he's like, "I love you, Billy. I believe you. More importantly, I trust you. Maybe you and I had some issues before, but we wiped the slate clean, remember? Bobby doesn't stand a chance."
And that's how you make Billy Chase curl up into a big ball and melt into the floor...
I chuckled to myself, and said, "God, I love you. I mean, really...you are the definition of a 'keeper'. You're absolutely right...Bobby doesn't stand a chance. No one does."
Brandon said, "Damn straight. You can tell him I said so, too!" A statement that made us laugh for a bit before I had to say goodbye to him.
But not before I took a second to say, "I love you, hon. Sooooo much! Thanks for not flipping out about this."
He said, "If I flipped out every time another boy looked at you, I'd be locked away in an asylum by the end of the Summer. Hehehe, I'm dating Billy Chase. Believe me, I'm getting used to it."
Whatever. Hehehe, I think Brandon is a little biased when it comes to me. But I'm glad that he understood. See? Why can't Bobby be like that? Why can't he just have a cute boyfriend and have some faith in him every now and then? Brandon can do it, and I'm actually guilty of being naughty with the boy in question. God, he's awesome! The next time I get him alone I'm gonna make Brandon happy as HELL for being so awesome!
Anyway, my mom already knew what my plans were for this evening, but she still questioned me about where I was going when it was time for me to leave. Not because she had forgotten, but almost as if to accuse me of lying about it. Like...she wanted to see if I kept my story straight, in case I wanted to do something as sinister as sneak out and go have hot consensual sex with my BOYFRIEND! I have to admit, things have been a little strained between her and I since she decided to step in the way of us having a totally monogamous relationship. It's not like I told her to 'watch'...just leave us alone. You know? I just...sometimes I feel myself starting to associate her very presence in my life as a complete deterrent to me enjoying life in general. A barricade against experience itself. I don't appreciate it. I want to love my mom, but I want her to let me out of her chokehold so I can get a chance to breathe. Our conversations are getting shorter and shorter every day, and I worry that there won't be anything left to talk about at all.
What's even more frightening is the idea that...I'm starting to wonder if this is how things began...before my parents split up. Because the way I feel right now...I kinda want to leave too.
So...I get to Ian's house pretty late in the day, since he wants to film when it's close to being dark. Makes sense for a vampire movie. And when I get there, his dad answers the door. Now, I know that Ian said that his dad wasn't all that famous, and when he was...well, let's just say that it was before we came along. But after Ian had talked about him and showed me pictures of him in the teen magazines and stuff, I have to admit that I was feeling a little bit star struck. I mean, you could totally recognize him. He was a little bit older, his hair was a little bit shorter, and he wore a pair of thin rimmed glasses now...but you could totally make the connection between him and that heartthrob from all those years ago.
Hehehe, I actually got a bit nervous when I said hello to him, and kinda snuck by with my head pointed downward. Wow...Ian's dad is a celebrity. How cool is that?
He was getting his stuff together, pacing back and forth in his room while mumbling to himself. He sat me down on the edge of his bed, and grabbed his notebook. He sat next to me, and he leaned over to show me the script again. He was like, "Ok, so we're just doing some simple stuff at first. I know that some of this stuff looks a bit lengthy but I'm gonna split it up into different camera angles, so you don't have to remember everything all at once."
I'm like, "Don't worry. I've been going over it ever since you sent it to me. I think I remembered most of it."
He's like, "Sweet! But if you flub a line or something, just keep going. Wing it, I'm sure you'll probably make it better anyway, hehehe!" He scooted a little closer to me to show me some more stuff, but then he stopped and said, "Hey...you smell good."
Hahaha, what the...? I'm like, "Okaaaaay...well, thanks. I think."
He giggled, like, "Well, it's true. Just sayin'..."
NOT a good time for Bobby to walk in. But he sorta knocked on the side of Ian's door frame and peeked around the corner. The second he saw me and Ian sitting so close together on his bed...sharing a few giggles, no less...the hurt on his face immediately became evident. He didn't even try to hide it. It's not like we were making out. Or that we even had the door closed, for that matter. Ian's dad is home, for crying out loud. But...to him, I guess it looked pretty bad.
Luckily, Ian didn't really think anything of it, and got up to give Bobby a sweet little kiss on the lips. He's like, "Hi, babe! You ready? I think I've got all my stuff together. Holly already said that she's on her way."
Bobby's like, "Uh huh. I guess so." His voice was so flat. So quiet. And even with his super cute boyfriend standing right in front of him...he seemed to keep his suspicious gaze on ME. I could have been upset about it, but...what the hell...I was starting to get self conscious about things now. Like, I was actually starting to feel guilty about being all comfy and cozy with his sweetheart while he wasn't there. And I didn't even DO anything! I had been there for maybe fifteen minutes tops. I mean, I'm not an asshole. I wouldn't do anything to make Bobby feel even worse about this whole arrangement. If I have to sorta...'keep my distance', or whatever...I guess I can tone it down on the friendly vibe. But I still don't think it's fair.
Who knows? Maybe this is what Bobby needs to see. That me and Ian are just friends, and that he's got nothing to worry about. It's possible, right?
Ian's really cute! Like Brandon said on the phone, he's going to have to get used to other boys at least taking a 'peek' at him from time to time.
Ian's cousin, Holly, was running a little bit late, but she arrived about Twenty minutes after Bobby did. She was maybe a year and a half older than the rest of us, and she was really pretty. Long brown hair to her shoulders, bright eyes, and pretty tall, I might add. I remember her smiling at me and I started to blush, even though I can't imagine why. I don't know what kind of genes Ian has running through his family tree, but if he has a reunion any time soon, I kinda wanna go and take pictures!
I guess she had seen some of the test footage we had shot earlier, and she helped Ian with some of the special effects stuff. So she knew who I was. Well, that and the fact that Ian had been talking about me being involved with the project. She definitely had Ian's easy going attitude, as well as a smile that brightened up your day whenever you saw it. I liked that. Something about Holly just relaxed me. So cool.
Ian had her break out a small make-up kit and sat us in his computer chair so she could apply some stuff to my cheeks to give me more of a pale look, and a little bit of eye liner to bring out my eyes. I've honestly never really had make up on my face before. Not unless it was Halloween or something. I don't know how people do this kind of thing on a daily basis. It felt really weird to me. But when she was finished, and I looked at myself in the mirror, it was like...wow! I mean, it was ME, but it wasn't me. If that makes sense. I kept staring at my reflection, making faces at myself like a dork while Bobby sat in the chair for his turn.
When you get to actually film something, and the process begins, you get into it so quickly. You feel so professional once the make up goes on. I couldn't stop smiling. Hehehe! But then...as Bobby was sitting in the chair, Holly says, "Hold on a sec, ok? I'm gonna go out to my car really quick. I've got something that would be perfect to bring your lips out a little bit more. I'll be right back."
Ian practically spoke my mind for me when he said, "I can't imagine Bobby's lips being any more beautiful than they already are. Hehehe!" And he leaned in to give Bobby a kiss while Holly watched and smiled with approval. I guess she knows about the two of them then. That's cool. Bobby did smile when he received the extra attention...but once Holly left the room, Ian came over to me and said, "My cousin thinks you're really hot, by the way! Hehehe, just in case you didn't know."
I held back a gasp, and I'm like, "Wait...WHAT???"
Ian made sure to look out of his bedroom door to make sure she wasn't coming back yet, then he's like, "She does! She told me so. I was showing her the footage, and she's like, 'Who's the hottie with the blond hair?' She actually SAID that, dude!" Ok, so...I didn't do anything to prompt Ian to tell me that. I SWEAR I didn't! But as I peeked over at Bobby Jinette in the chair, I could see him softly roll his eyes and look off to the side, that sour agony returning to his face as he attempted to ignore it. Ian kept going, asking, "Do you want her number, dude? She's gonna be a senior this fall. Older woman. Hehehe! I'm telling you, she's digging you in a crazy way. I could set it up, if you want."
Ok...so maybe this was one of those times where I think Bobby was justified in feeling a little...ummm...sidelined. But I just said, "Oh, hehehe...no thanks. I'm...I'm ok."
Ian put his arm over my shoulder, and he's like, "Alright. But I'm telling you...she'd probably go for you in a heartbeat. So if you're ever in the market for a girlfriend, she's ready and willing." Ian giggled about it, and Holly came back into the room causing him to silently tell me to hush up about it. But as far as Bobby's tortured heart was concerned, the damage had already been done. I think, for the first time, I kinda saw things from Bobby's point of view. I dunno...just, if it was Brandon, and he was smiling and giggling and praising another boy in the same way...I might be a bit uncomfortable with it too. I have to be honest about that. Even if it's totally innocent, I think it would bother me.
But what am I supposed to do? How do I keep Ian's compliments at arm's length without hurting or offending him in some way? Ugh, can life be EASY for once?
Anyway, we did some filming, but nothing overly spectacular. I'm pretty sure that Ian was just testing the waters to see how we read the dialogue, and how the lighting would be set up, and how we would look on camera. Holly definitely did take a liking to me pretty quickly, considering that this is the first time she's ever met me. But, above everything else, I spent most of the evening doing my best to avoid Ian as much as I could. I don't know if he really noticed, but I began to 'cringe' whenever he touched me, or got close enough to show me some of the notes in his notebook. I shrugged off his every compliment, ignored his praises, and kept my distance from him. Bobby was watching us so CLOSELY! I was really trying, ok? But every time Ian said more than three words to me, Bobby looked like he wanted to cry and storm off into the night, never to return. It was a *LOT* more stressful an experience than I thought it would be.
By the time we wrapped up everything for the evening, I was a bit rattled as to how Bobby would think about me being there at all. We left at the same time, and I said, "Hey, Bobby...you know, if you wanna talk about..."
But he just cut me off and said, "Whatever. It's fine. Later." And he walked off without saying another word to me. In his mind, he had already lost his boyfriend. Something that I did NOT want to add to. Just...I'm stuck. What do I do?
Yeah...I hate to say it...but I think I get it now. I'm just not sure what to do about it. Like...at all.
Anyway, I made sure to get my work schedule for this week at the last minute. Almost forgot again. Monday morning (Ugh! HATE Monday mornings!), Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, afternoons. So, not so bad. Next weekend, if Ian calls me over, I'll try to...I don't know...maybe be a little more careful with how 'friendly' we are with each other when Bobby is around. Like I said, if it was Brandon...I'd be ready to STAB somebody for getting too intimate with the boy I loved more than life itself. That shit wouldn't fly with me at all!
Funny...I didn't get one of Jimmy's schizophrenic messages tonight. I figured he'd either send me something cursing me out and telling me how much I fucking SUCK for being me....or that he'd put on a super sad clown face to apologize and beg me to talk so we could work things out again. But...neither. Nothing at all.
I'm not complaining, though. I'm not in the mood to deal with either personality tonight. I just want to relax for a while and get some sleep. That's all. Emotions are exhausting. Soooooo exhausting.
I've gotta end this here. I'm almost halfway through another diary already! Geez, why do I talk so much? Hehehe! I'll write more soon. Hopefully, it'll be stuff that will be more uplifting than confusing. I can always keep my fingers crossed, right?
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