- Does it still hurt? Yeah. It does. Of course it does.
A lot, to be honest.
The things that Jimmy said to me yesterday were the equivalent of dragging razor blades across the surface of my already wounded heart. But the deepest cut of all was the lingering feeling that I might have deserved it. Every last painful word of it.
It's not like I couldn't have controlled myself when it happened. It's not like I couldn't have waited until I was in a better state of mind before jumping into a sexual relationship that was pretty much doomed from the start. I should have more restraint. I should have been smarter about this.
When I went after Jimmy LaPlane that very first time, I knew that I was potentially doing some real damage to everything that we had as friends, but I never thought things would go as far as they did. I hate to say it, but I kinda thought that we'd fool around for a little bit and then just go our separate ways again after a while. I didn't know he was going to completely submerge himself in the fantasy that we had some fairy tale romance going on. We were just...getting an angry bout of 'loneliness' out of our system, right? That's what I was thinking about when our lips were mashed together. And I thought about it again when we had sex. And again when he started sending me little notes to tell me how much he loved me. And again when he was sending me sexy videos and calling me on the phone and making plans for our future together. I should have known better! God, I feel so dumb.
As much as I loved having sex with Jimmy in the hottest ways imaginable, my heart was constantly telling me that it was morally wrong every step of the way. A voice in my head was screaming for me to be careful, to not get too tangled up in this mess, and to cut it off before it was too late. But I didn't listen. I went for the immediate 'cash grab' and didn't think I'd have to worry about the consequences to follow.
I was wrong.
This is what happens when love gets selfish. You forget that your obsessive actions actually have a huge impact on the life of another human being...not just yours. It's not like getting a teddy bear to sleep with when you're a little kid. One that you can just toss aside when you outgrow it or find something to better to hold your interests or suit your needs. You have to deal with the hurtful aftermath of the broken hearts you leave in your wake. You have to take responsibility for the lives you might have destroyed. And the time that people wasted on you...fantasizing that you might be something more than what you really are...they're going to want those moments back. If you can't stick to your word and your bullshit promises of eternal love and companionship...then don't make them. It's just not worth the devastation that broken dreams leave behind.
I thought I was being so careful. Now I know I was just being a jackass.
I guess I just held on to Jimmy because I was afraid of being alone. The way Robin is afraid of being alone without AJ. Or maybe...it just made me feel good to see Jimmy so damn happy all the time. I mean, what kind of ego stroke is it to know that you're the absolute love of someone's life? To have them brighten up and smile every time you enter the room. Or to have them tremble uncontrollably every time you lay your hand on their naked bodies, and realize that the contact is making them soar above the clouds after wishing for it for oh so long?
It would have been cold blooded of me to just cut him off without warning...but it was a harsh form of emotional torture to drag him along for so long when I knew that I didn't quite feel the same way about him as he did about me. I mean...does that count as an act of cruelty, or what? Am I the asshole here?
Shit. I screwed up. I screwed up big time.
Jimmy said I ruined his life. Like...his entire LIFE! With what he told me in that hospital room, not being able to have m nearly led to him taking his own life! How CRAZY is that??? I never wanted Jimmy to get hurt! I just wanted to be a friend. You know? Oh God...what if I was somehow responsible for Jimmy's original depression and suicide attempt? What then? Dear God, what would I even say to him at this point.
I felt like such a creep, going into work today. I had the serious urge to call in sick today, but I knew that the first person they'd call in to cover for me would be Dizzy, and he didn't deserve the extra punishment of working on his day off. How much would that suck for him to have to do that for me, just because I felt shitty about my existence? You know?
I went in, and Terrell noticed the distressed look on my face right away. I had barely punched in on the clock before he was like, "What's got your face all frowned up today, Billy? Hehehe, you're fucking up my good vibes."
I was like, "It's no big deal. Seriously. Just...I've got stuff on my mind right now. That's all."
Terrell asked, "Is it stuff you want to talk about? Or is this one of those 'mind your own damn business' deals?"
I had to be honest, and I told him, "I don't think I really know, just yet. I think I just need some time to figure out what the hell I feel right now. You know?" Then I added, "Sorry, dude. I mean, that's ok, right?"
Terrell gave me the weirdest look, and he says, "Of course that's ok. Just wanted to know what's going on with you?"
I told him, "If I figure it out, you'll be the first to know. Believe me."
He's like, "Come find me if you need me. I'm not gonna chase you around, so you'll have to speak up, kid." Then he patted me roughly on the shoulders and told me to 'buck up' because we had tunes to peddle.
Easier said than done.
I kept replaying Jimmy's hate-filled words in my head all afternoon. They wouldn't go away. The look on his face, those teary eyes and sad lips...they just sunk their claws deep into the center of my heart and refused to let go. I really REALLY didn't mean to hurt him! Jimmy was my friend. I strained my brain trying to think of ways to maybe do something to make Jimmy happy without going against my sacred bond with Brandon and risking my 'second chance' with him to the point of possibly losing him forever. I doubt Brandon would ever take another chance on m if I betrayed his trust a second time for the sake of somebody else.
Losing someone else close to my heart would ruin me too. Just like Jimmy said. The next time I get my heart torn apart could very well be the last. Imagine if Brandon treated me the way I treated Jimmy. Imagine if he decided, one day, to just run off with Jamie Cross to have the hottest boy sex ever, and he forgot all about me and what we meant to one another? What would happen to my whole world if I had to live through something like that...again?
I was silently tearing myself apart when Ollie and I saw Taylor come stomping his way up to the counter. Ollie and I gave him a strange look, wondering what was frustrating him so much when he had only been working for all of twenty minutes. Then again, it doesn't really take a whole lot to frustrate Taylor to begin with. Terrell came over to where we were, saw Taylor with steam coming out of his ears, and he was like, "Not you too. Is everybody having a 'not so happy' day today, or what?"
Taylor's like, "I'm not helping that guy over there anymore. I'm not doing it. It's people like that who are slowly KILLING the integrity of music in general, and I'm not going to let him make me an accomplice. I just won't do it."
Ollie told him, "Just help him grab his popular tunes and let it go. Hehehe, you get so uptight about this stuff."
Taylor says, "No! If he wants to hear that dumbed down, kid friendly, team marketed, oversaturated, CRAP, then he can get in his car and ride around for five minutes until it plays on the fuckin' radio like it does 800 times everyday. I actually tried to get him to listen to something different. Something GOOD! But if it's not well known enough for him to share with his herd of spoon fed 'sheep', then he's not interested. That guy can eat a dick!"
Terrell just shook his head with a grin. He's like, "You are in rare form today, dude." Ollie didn't even have to ask before Terrell start to walk over and help instead. "Don't worry. I'm on it."
Ollie and I actually traded a smirk with one another, causing Taylor to roll his eyes at us. That's when Ollie decided to give him a little poke. He's like, "You know, you're not nearly this wound up when your boy, Garrett, is around. You want us to call him in? Hehehe, put a smile on your face?"
Taylor said, "What are you babbling about now? I'm not wound up. And Garrett? What about him?"
Ollie grinned, "We see you guys chit chatting and chumming around out there on the floor when you work together. Don't think we didn't notice." Then he took it a step further, and said, "I think somebody might have a little crush going on."
Uh oh! Taylor's whole face changed. And not in a good way.
He was like, "What are you talking about?"
I really wouldn't have expected Taylor to react negatively towards someone being gay. He didn't mind me being gay. Heck, he's mostly responsible for me coming out to everybody at work in the first place. However, knowing someone who's gay, and knowing that person actually has a crush on you...can be two very different situations.
I almost didn't want to say anything at all. He seemed as though the idea had truly taken him by surprise, and I almost started to wonder if Ollie should have said anything.
Ollie was like, "Well, don't look so shocked, Taylor. Garrett's a really sweet guy. I'm sure it's just a harmless little infatuation."
Taylor was like, "Wait...slow down. What would make you think...? I mean, Garrett's not gay, is he?"
Ollie said, "He never actually said it out loud, but come on, dude. You had to at least suspect that something was kinda going on with you two. You're, like, the only person in this place that he really opens up to. He sticks to you like glue every minute that you're on the same shift."
In defense, Taylor was like, "That's not true! Garrett likes Billy too! In fact, he talked to Billy first. Right?" He looked at me, "Right, Billy?"
Ollie gave him a smirk. "Young, cute, blond, gay, Billy Chase? That's not a hint?"
Taylor looked so bewildered. He was like, "Do you really think Garrett's gay? Like...gay gay?"
Ollie said, "I don't know what 'degree' of gay you're looking for, but...if I was a betting man, I'd say he's feeling you, something awful. But don't panic, I think it's sweet."
Taylor turned to me and asked, "Do you think he's gay for me? Be honest."
I didn't want to get involved any further with the whole thing. I was really surprised by his reaction to this whole thing, but seeing as he was waiting for an answer, I shrugged my shoulders like, "Ummm...it's possible, I guess. It's not a bad thing though. Right?"
I couldn't really read the expression on his face. He just sorta went 'blank' for a moment...and then he grabbed some more product to put it back out on the shelves. Ollie said, "Come on, Taylor, it's no big deal."
Taylor quietly replied, "Yeah. I know. It's ok."
Ollie was like, "Really. Don't go freaking out about this."
Taylor sounded like he was in a trance, but maintained, "No, it's fine. No freak outs. I'm cool."
I wonder if he's going to start treating Garrett differently now that he knows. Ugh! That would suck! Poor Garrett. He was so shy and so timid around us for the whole beginning of the Summer...and just as he was opening up and getting comfortable with the rest of us, he might end up being alienated by someone he really likes. I hope that's not the case.
Taylor better not be mean to that boy. Seriously.
Anyway, I'm tired. It was just a crappy day in general. I checked to see if Jimmy sent me a message for some reason. I wasn't expecting an apology or anything, but even if he sent me a message to curse me out for being a bastard, it would be better received than...silence.
I don't know how to fix this. And I can't claim to 'not care'...so I don't know if I can walk away and leave it behind me. Maybe I just have to wait things out for a little while. Maybe I can hope for some sort of answer further down the road. Who knows? It's exhausting to think this way.
I'm done. G'night. I'll write more tomorrow.
- Billy (Having a 'not so happy' day...)
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