- Nothing makes a teenage boy more uncomfortable, more insecure, than yet another red blotch on his face!
I sear to GOD, it wasn't there last night! This one is on my forehead, just above left eyebrow. But it's too far over for me to, like...effectively comb my hair over it. What the hell is going on? It doesn't hurt yet, but I saw it in the mirror this morning and I can feel the emerging 'bump' of this newborn zit as it proudly stuck out against the normal color and tone of my skin. Ugh, what the fuck? I BARELY got rid of the last one I had! Where did this one come from? They just come one or two at a time, right? I mean, I was hoping that I could put a screeching halt on this situation getting any worse than it already was. But I just...I don't know HOW!
Come ON, puberty! Don't do this to me! I've got a job now. A boyfriend. I've gotta go back to SCHOOL soon! I can't deal with this level of humiliation right now! Not on top of everything else I've got going on.
I wanted to CRY! I don't think I ever felt so ugly. I'd rather have a temporary battle with the Chicken Pox than an extended outbreak of zits. I've been using the special stuff that I got to wash my face and keep it clean. Almost every DAY! I swear! So why is this still happening to me? My mom said it would work. Sighhhh...no wonder Brandon wants to go back to Stevie. He's still smooth and cute and super pretty. Me? I feel like some kind of yucky, deformed, monster that crawled out of the swamp and dared to ask him for a date.
This whole thing is so stupid.
Surprisingly, I didn't hear anything from Jimmy LaPlane this morning. If nothing else, I sort of expected him to hit me up and gloat about his big revelation concerning my boyfriend and his ex. I'm almost sorry that he didn't wallow in it. I wish he would have messaged me so I could tell him to fuck off. Because, innocent or guilty, there was a burning fire growing inside of me and I didn't want to toss that fury in Brandon's direction. I won't allow Jimmy to manipulate me the way he had manipulated Brandon in the past, always trying to keep us from being together. Always trying to keep us from talking. Anybody who has to work THAT hard to destroy somebody else's relationship is a sad and lonely individual. Sick in the head. Someone who could actually ACHIEVE some level of personal satisfaction if he stopped running around destroying the joy and good fortune of the other people around him.
But, like I said, Jimmy was a no show today. Lucky for him...believe me.
However, while mentally rehearsing what I was going to say to Brandon tonight when I called, I found myself in a gloomy mood for most of the day. One that seemed to be further aggravated by the thought that I would have to call Brandon at all and ask what he's been doing on his Mondays all Summer. Or why he's seeing Stevie behind my back and not mentioning it. It's just...it's something that I shouldn't have to worry about anymore, right? I'm not like Bobby Jinette. I love my boyfriend, and I know my boyfriend loves me, and I'm not going to abuse him simply because I'm feeling a little doubtful bout being the sexiest guy in the room at all times. I refuse to go down that path.
But...I'd be lying if I said that it didn't bother me. Immensely. I knew that I should have just casually called him up early in the day so we could talk about it and he could put my emotions at ease. I knew that it would be easier to just get it over with. But every time I built up the energy to dial his number...this anxiety would wash over me. What if it's not as innocent as I'm expecting it to be? What do I do if Brandon tells me something that I don't want to hear?
It seems silly, and it took me a few hours to repeatedly push those thoughts aside so I could talk to him with an open mind. But every time I went for my phone...those jittery feelings of anger and resentment would bubble up again and I'd feel the need to calm down again.
Don't worry. I did what I had to do. It just took me some time, that's all.
In the meantime, however, my sour mood kinda spilled over into other parts of my waking life. Primarily concerning my mom...who was walking around the house like she was about to break out into song at any moment. Was I imagining that? Was she...'happier' than normal? Why? What's going on there?
I even asked her, "What are you so happy about?" And she kinda told me something about it being a lovely day outside and she pulled me in for a hug and kissed me on the forehead. She even went grocery shopping to make something special for dinner. She hasn't had that much energy in a long while. Not since before my dad moved away. Maybe I was just upset about the Brandon thing, but that bothered me too. Seriously...what the fuck has her feeling so happy all of a sudden? I wanted to know!
She didn't give me an actual answer. Maybe I was being a bit too subtle to force her to tell me what was going on that she didn't feel the need to tell me about. It was like a whole other representation of the Brandon/Stevie thing! Why can't she just say that she's been hanging out with Mr. Franks? Why can't she tell me that? What is it about them going to lunch that is so secret that she feels the need to deceive me about it instead of randomly mentioning it over dinner? You mean to tell me that you haven't been having private lunches with another man between tacos???
Anyway, all that aside...I pushed myself really really hard and FORCED myself to call Brandon tonight. Even if it led to a deep trauma that I might not be ready for...I guess I HAVE to do it. Right? I'd be expected to fucking HATE myself if I didn't rush into this without a plan, right? So...fine. Whatever.
I pushed myself into doing it, and I was shaking so badly that I thought I was going to fucking throw up because of it. I really did. Sorry. I'm just a kid. I'm trying to be an adult about this...but I'm NOT an adult! I'm still learning stuff. Don't fucking HATE me, ok?
Anyway...I called him. I was trembling so badly that I had to sit on my bedroom floor to keep from shaking myself to pieces. Hearing his voice...it used to bring me such joy. Tonight it brought me nothing but dread.
I think Brandon knew that something was wrong. Maybe he could hear it in my voice. Perhaps I hadn't shaken out all the anger and bullshit out of my attitude before calling. Shit...I knew that I should have waited a bit longer instead of feeling so forced into this.
Please don't let me fuck this up by being in such a hurry for a bullshit resolution...
It's special to me. It's important, you know?
Our conversation started off normal enough. Brandon even remembered about us getting together, and he's like, "I was trying HARD to get my dad to friggin' GO somewhere instead of sitting at home and watching TV all day, but he's so damn stubborn. He's got to have a life that exists outside of this house, right? Ugh!"
I listened closely. I even joked around a bit, but I don't know if that made things better or worse.
"I know you think Brandon is so perfect, but he's not. Don't say I didn't try to tell you so."
That's how Jimmy said it. And it was strange how it took so few words to rile me up inside beyond my control, but I worked to choke up on the accusations so I could give Brandon a chance to come clean on his own.
Come on, baby...I'm counting on you.
I was trying to find a subtle way to guide the conversation towards his Monday activities, but he kept squirming out of it with a joke or a flirtatious comment. So the anxiety kept building, and eventually, I was just like, "Say, I was thinking of going out to the lake this coming Monday. Just to enjoy my day off. It would be cool to have my favorite boy by my side when I go. What do you say?"
Expectedly, Brandon says, "Awww, that sounds so sweet. Maybe we can do it on another day? What are you doing on Sunday?"
Frustrated, I was like, "I want to go on Monday. That's my day off. Do you want to come with me or not?" Pull it back, Billy. We're giving him a fair chance, remember?
He's all like, "Hehehe, Billy...? It's not that I don't want to go, I'm just gonna be a little busy on Monday. That's all."
I'm like, "Busy doing what, exactly?"
Brandon says, "It's nothing important or anything. I'm just...I've got plans."
I'm trying to keep my voice calm, but I immediately answer with, "Plans? What kind of plans? Can I come? Maybe I can help you out."
Brandon gave me a fake chuckle, and he's like, "Dude...there are other day in the week. How about I come see you at work and we can have lunch or something?"
I said, "I don't want to have lunch on another day. I kinda want to see you on Monday." Then I directly asked him, "Why can't I see you on Monday, Brandon?"
He's like, "What is this attitude all about?"
I'm like, "No attitude. I just want to know what you're doing on Monday that's so important."
Brandon says, "I just told you, it's not important..."
Adrenaline pumping. Teeth grinding. I'm starting to pace back and forth in my room now. "Just like yesterday wasn't important?" I say to him.
Brandon's like, "I was just taking care of a few things yesterday. That's all."
I said, "I thought you said that you were just hanging out doing nothing for most of the day yesterday. Which one was it?"
Brandon paused for a moment, and he says, "Billy...I don't like this. What's wrong?"
The pressure had been building up for long enough. I gave him the opportunity to come clean, but he didn't take the hint. So...with an aggravated sigh, I asked him, "Brandon...why are you lying to me?"
He's like, "Lying? Lying about what? I don't understand what this is about..."
Ok, so he didn't want to say what needed to be said? He couldn't just tell me the truth? Fine. Ok. I'll ask. I'll just come right out and ask him. "Did you spend the day with Stevie yesterday?" Misty eyed, more from anger than sadness, I waited for his response.
That response came with a long delay.
He's like, "You've been spying on me now?"
I'm totally like, "That's SO not the issue right now, Brandon. Answer the question."
Brandon said, "Billy...there's really no need to get all charged up about this..."
I'm like, "So it's true then? You went to spend the day with Stevie yesterday?" It hurt. Oh God, I thought I was prepared to feel what I was feeling, but I really wasn't. It felt like he was taking a power drill to my heart, and I had to stop pacing and sit down on my bed as my legs went weak.
He tells me, "It's not what you think, Billy. I went to see Stevie because he needed me. Ok?"
I said, "I'll bet."
Brandon's like, "Don't do that. Billy, what the hell...?"
I asked, "Have you been doing this every Monday? All Summer long? Is this why you and I can't get together as often as we promised we would?"
He's just like, "See? I knew you wouldn't be able to handle this. That's why I didn't want to say anything."
Shocked, I'm like, "Handle what? You running over to your ex-boyfriend's house to hang out without telling me?"
Brandon said, "You would have freaked out about the whole thing if I even mentioned it. You would have gotten all bent out of shape and angry, just like you are now. You don't trust me as much as you pretend to."
I'm like, "I'm not bent out of shape because you went to see Stevie, Brandon. I'm bent out of shape because you LIED to me about it. Right to my face. How am I supposed to believe that there's nothing going on when you could have just told me the truth from the very beginning?"
Brandon, now starting to get agitated as well, said, "You know what? You have no idea what you're talking about, and we need to let this go before one of us ends up saying something that we regret."
That only made my fury burn hotter. So I decided to give him his wish. I said, "You know what? You're right. I'm gonna let this go. You want me to stop talking, I'll stop talking. Lord knows I don't want to say something I'll 'regret' later. Right?"
His voice trembling, Brandon said, "Billy...babe, let's not do this. Let's talk, ok?"
But I was already shaking with rage. I gave him every opportunity to be honest with me, and he FAILED. So I told him, "We just did. We talked. And you can't tell me the truth, so maybe I should just go before we make things even worse."
Brandon sniffled, "Are you gonna at least let me explain..."
I hesitated...but only briefly. "Sorry..." I said softly, a sickening nausea rising up in the pit of my stomach. "...Later..."
I hung up the phone.
Brandon tried to call back twice, and texted me once...trying to get me to talk. But I couldn't. I felt so damaged inside. I thought that I could just call him up and deal with this like an adult. But my emotions can be so involuntary sometimes. If I had continued with that conversation for much longer, it was going to end in a massive fight and possibly another break up. And I don't WANT to break up with Brandon! I want him to be my soul mate! We love each other soooo much! This was supposed to be easy.
I shouldn't have hung up on him. That was dumb. I should have talked it out. But...my heart was pounding and my teeth were clenched, and my thoughts were running wild with stupid images and false accusations and Jimmy's pictures of the two of them together. I just felt that conversation quickly going a different way. I would have fucked everything up if I kept talking. I'll get to the bottom of this somehow. I know I will. I just...
I love Brandon too much to talk to him when I'm like this. Does that make any sense at all?
My dad was trying to warn me about always running away from my problems but...I tried to face this head on, and I couldn't do it. I was failing and falling apart at the seams the second the issue was brought up. I guess I still have some growing up to do, huh?
I don't know. I feel so weird about this. I want my Brandon back. I don't want him to think he can get away with lying to my face about stuff like this...but, sighhhh...
I miss him already. I'll try again tomorrow. I'll be more calm.
This is such a strange game to play. I just want to hug him again and maybe...talk about what this whole thing means.
We'll get there. I'm sure of it. I'm just trying to steer my life in the right direction right now. And 'life' seems to be fighting to derail my every attempt to just be HAPPY for a little while. But...I'm ok. I swear. I'm going to work this out.
Maybe not tonight...but I'm sure that I can keep my head long enough to solve this problem. I'm not going to let Jimmy LaPlane warp my mind. And I'm not going to let that weasel, Stevie, stick his nose back into our relationship either. Even if it's just as a 'buddy' who lingers around just long enough for a few 'accidents' to happen. Neither one of those ideas sounds good to me.
Anyway, I've got a headache. To be honest, I'm feeling a little down at the moment.
Brandon is the most amazing boy that I've ever known...and I hurt him. I don't mean to, but I did. I deserve to have that bother me for the rest of the night while I try to go to sleep. I just...do.