It's not like I wanted to sit there pouting like some sort of baby or something. I really didn't. I just...I regretted every poor decision that I made since coming up with the not-so-brilliant idea of bringing Parker to the skater park in the first place. I couldn't help but to mentally kick myself for it. I just looked down at the concrete as I attempted to emotionally implode from doing something so fucking STUPID!!!
Parker was brand NEW to the area! He didn't know anybody! Nobody at all! I could have had the sexiest boy on Earth all to myself if I wasn't desperately trying to impress him with a dumb idea like showing him where the cutest boys in town hang out on a daily basis. Not the best of plans when you're trying to get a cute boy to notice you, is it?
I didn't want to pay attention to what was going on, but this other boy...whoever the fuck he was...grinned and engaged in witty conversation with an angel who was, previously, preoccupied in getting to know me better instead. What I was feeling was more than just a pinch of jealousy. It was an actual stab in the gut that hurt me to my very core. It actually became hard to hide the expression on my face. I must have looked so sour to anybody who dared to glance in my direction.
FUCK! Why am I such a dumbass???
There were a few times that Parker came over and smiled at me. Even asked me to put my wheels to concrete and join them. But, even though they had only been skating together for, like, five minutes, tops...his offer felt like a lie to me. Like some sort of offer that he made out of pity, sparing me the embarrassment of looking like even more of a loser before he sneaks off and gets this other boy's number when he thinks I'm not watching. So he can call him up later, and invite him over to his house, and share a much better kiss with him than he ever could with my virgin attempts at keeping from being so awkward about it.
To think...I had a shot at having a real boyfriend for a few days there. So much for that dimwitted fantasy...
Parker actually used some of that other boy's advice to nail the landing on a rather impressive flip of his board. It was a little shaky looking, but he made it. And his smile was suddenly brightened up as his heart became full of joy and accomplishment. I never thought the sight of his smile would hurt me so much.
"Kevin! Dude! Did you see that? Please, tell me you saw that! Hehehe!" Parker asked, rushing over to where I was sitting, his beautiful blue eyes beaming with pride to the point where they almost blinded me with their brilliance. "I've never been able to land that before!"
I worked up the most genuine grin that I could, hoping that it would push its way past my ask of inner pain. "Yeah. It was crazy, the way you gripped it. You look like a pro."
I thought that I was being convincing, but Parker seemed to catch on to the fake expression almost immediately. "Are you ok?" He asked.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Why?" I gave him the innocent act. I wasn't being obvious, I swear.
His forehead wrinkled up in the cutest way, and he picked up his skateboard...walking over to sit next to me. Great. Now I'm ruining his day too. "Don't you want to skate with us?" He asked.
"I'm ok. Go ahead. Have fun. I'm watching. Promise." I told him.
"Well, I'm not having fun. Hehehe, not unless you're gonna be shredding right next to me." He grinned, but...like I said...it felt like a 'pity fuck', you know? Parker's one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, and now I feel like a bully for forcing him to pay me any attention at all.
So, I tried even harder to make it seem like everything was ok. "Seriously, I'll get up and skate in a few minutes. You're learning new stuff. That's awesome. I'm sure he can help you out with new tricks and all. I'll go skate...over 'there' or something for a while, and then you can show me something cool when you guys are finished."
Again, Parker seemed confused. "Finished, doing what?" He asked, but I didn't answer. Just looked away from him while faking another pointless grin. "Kevin?"
Suddenly, this 'other' boy walks up and asks him, "How good are you at 360's? I've been practicing those too. Hit a few rails a couple of times, but practice makes perfect, right?" Then, he looks down at me and flashes me a set of deep dimples as he nods in my direction. FUCK! Why was he so damned pretty? "S'up? I'm Brett." He says.
"Hey..." I answer softly.
Then he directs his attention back to my...boyfriend? Well, I guess he's not my 'anything' as far as a defined commitment is concerned...and he says, "I like your shoes, man! Pretty slick kicks!"
"Thanks!" Parker replied. Ugh! Am I allowed to throw up, now? "I'm digging the t-shirt. Very cool." Parker told him. "What does it say on the back?"
"Hehehe, it says 'No Class'! That's me in a nutshell. Life is short, might as well speak your mind, right?" He said. Gee...I guess he's a pseudo philosopher too, huh? "What is this on your shirt? GFD? What's that?"
"Oh! It's from a movie. I just bought it today. The bloodstains look cool, right?" Parker told him.
Brett raised an eyebrow. "Wait...is that from that gay vampire movie? What is it, 'Gone From Darkness' or something? Hehehe, 'Gay For Dick'?"
Just when I thought this guy couldn't be more despicable in my eyes, he had to open his mouth and prove himself to be even more of an asshole. However, before the full impact of his insult had taken a hold of me, Parker stunned me by giving him a rather dirty look. And it's Parker, so...even his dirty looks are super cute.
"It's 'Gone From Daylight'." He said.
"Whatever. That one. I'm surprised that flick is getting a sequel. I didn't see it but...you know..."
"I know? What do I know?" Parker said, standing up and getting slightly more defensive.
YES! What's happening here? I don't know, but I LIKE it! This so-called pretty boy is getting uglier by the second! YES, Brett...keep talking! Fucking hang yourself with your own rope, you jackass!
"Well...I mean, I'm not saying that anything is wrong with liking a movie. The vampire part is pretty cool, I guess. It's just..." Go on, Brett. Say it. Please say it. Right to his face. "I don't see why they have to be gay. Taryn could have just as easily been a girl, you know? Hollywood is always trying to force some message down our throats."
"I agree." Parker said. "Like the idea that Taryn has to be a girl in a heterosexual relationship in order for a movie about supernatural vampires to have any real meaning, or appeal to a broader audience." Tell him, babe! Omigod, this is awesome!
"Whoah! Chill, dude. I'm not trying to be a dick. Ok? It might be a good movie. I just, I'm not gay, so it doesn't really apply to me. That's all."
"Yeah? Well, I actually happen to be gay. And it applies to me just fine." Parker said.
Brett raised both eyebrows this time. He honestly had no idea. Then again, he was probably expecting your typical gay teen to come to the skater park with his belly exposed, his t-shirt tied in a knot, while sucking on a big strawberry lollipop. Because...the media.
"I'm sorry, bro. I didn't know..."
But Parker told him, "Did you have to? Did it matter? We were just skateboarding a few minutes ago. What changed?" Seeing Parker getting a little angry was...I don't know. It was sexy, you know? I just tried to hold back my smile while he stared daggers at this boy.
"It's ok. You like boys. I'm cool with that."
"Thanks. That's so nice of you to give me your permission." Parker said, dismissively. "Nice to meet you, Brett. See ya 'round some time, eh?" Parker sat right there at my side, both of us staring at this 'Brett' guy until he got uncomfortable enough to walk away with a shrug of his shoulders. It's not like he was a total homophobe or anything, but it was clear that he had some ideas about being gay that were...'uninformed', to say the least.
Parker looked over at me, and saw the biggest, cheesiest grin, on my stupid face. Hahaha! God, I wanted to tackle him right then and there! He's never been more attractive to me than he was at that particular moment. And that's saying a LOT, because he was the hottest thing that I had ever seen the moment I first laid eyes on him! Hehehe!
"What are you so happy about?" He giggled.
"I'm just...super impressed with you right now. That's all." I replied, and reached out to touch his hand. Briefly. I wasn't looking to make a scene or anything, but I was compelled to make some sort of physical contact that would express what was going on in my heart at the moment. Fireworks, explosions, and mountains of candy. What can I say? His optimism and strength inspires me. He is who he is, and he doesn't apologize for it. I really like that. He is the pure definition of 'wow', you know? How did boy this amazing ever cross my path by accident? He's just too good to be true.
"Hehehe, I'm glad, but...it's not like I did anything out of the ordinary." He said, and as we both looked over at Brett, who had gone back to skateboarding with other boys in the park...we noticed him peeking back over at us occasionally. Probably wondering what our 'connection' was, and if he could get the taste of his own FOOT out of his mouth. Parker sighed, saying, "It's just that I get so sick of people thinking that they're so 'normal' that once an opposing point of view comes their way...they see it as weird and different and wrong. Why can't it just be different? Why can't people just live their own lives without trying to alter the lives of the people around them?"
"Uh huh..." I said, dreamily staring into his eyes. I was paying attention, just...he was SO beautiful.
"One of the things that 'Gone From Daylight' tries to teach us is that we should let people know that we're all hurting. We're all afraid. And we have no right to punish other people for our fear and aggravation. Unnecessarily. It doesn't have to be that way. Not for any of us. We can grow. We can change. We can let go of the hatred and pain holding us back...and we can make a different choice in being the kind of person that we want to be. Without shame. Without causing someone else to SUFFER! We can be a better person with honor and grace and...you get to know that you actually DID something with your life other than bully people and scar them for life. I just...i...UGH!!!" Parker paused to calm his passion down a little bit. "...I guess he didn't get the message. Maybe some people never will. If anybody needs to watch the movie, it's people like him."
All I could do was give Parker the goofiest of grins in response. "You're so friggin' cool, dude..." I said. I didn't even realize that I had spoken the words aloud until I saw Parker's deep pink blush rush up into his cheeks, a stark contrast to the bright blond strands of his silken hair. He was breathtaking to look at. I never got used to it. Never stopped finding a new angle from which to admire his gorgeous features in all their glory. Had we not been in public...I'd be all OVER that boy right now!
Parker sighed to himself, rolling his bright eyes in the CUTEST way! "Well, you are certainly an easy one to please." He smirked.
"No, seriously. I agree. I just...I never had the guts to just come out to a stranger like that before. Even to defend myself. I guess it just took me by surprise. That's all."
His blush deepened. This time, in a different way. "Shit. Kevin, I'm sorry. I did it again, didn't I?"
"I probably outed you in front of everybody in your favorite skating spot. Shit, I'm so sorry, dude. I'm still getting used to telling and not telling people about...well, you know. I should have thought about you first before I said anything."
"It's totally ok! Honestly." I said.
"No...it's not. I've been a little gung ho about letting people know these days. I guess it's just an exercise in keeping my 'shame' to a minimum, and creeping my way back into the closet again. It's so easy to feel comfortable with secrets, you know? There's no challenge in it. No pressure."
"I know the feeling." I said. "No awkward questions, no sideways glances..."
"No backhanded comments, no fake support..." He grinned.
"No having to pretend that you're not eyeing that really cute boy from across the park..." I added, and Parker raised an eyebrow.
With a grin, we both looked back over at Brett in the distance, and he seemed to be whispering to some other guy over there. Really? I mean, does he not have anything better to do with his life than think about us? Hehehe! I guarantee you, we've got better things to do than think about him. It's kind of sad really.
Parker asked, "Were you jealous?"
"What? No!" I lied. "I was just...we were talking about something totally unrelated."
"Totally unrelated to what?" He asked. "Omigod, you were jealous, weren't you?" Was he surprised? He really seemed baffled by the idea.
"Not really. I mean, he's cute. I get it." I tried to look away so he wouldn't see the truth in my eyes, but I think he heard it in my voice anyway.
"He's not that cute." Parker said.
"Ahhh, so you noticed, then?"
"Of course, I noticed. I always notice. Hehehe, that doesn't mean that it matters."
"How can it not matter?"
"Because..." He said softly, "There's a big difference between noticing a cute boy and being 'interested' in one. And that dance has already been spoken for as far as I'm concerned." Then he leaned over to lightly butt me with his shoulder, "And, so help me, if you ask me whether or not it's YOU that I'm talking about...I'm gonna take this skateboard and crack you right on the jaw with it! Maybe it'll knock some sense into you."
I laughed out loud, and our eyes met for a moment...filling me up with an intense surge of joy, as well as the frantic flutter of butterfly wings in the center of my stomach. I told him, "You realize…what you see right now is what you get with me, right? No dimples. No six pack abs..."
He interrupted me before I even got started. "I'll take your pretty smile over any of that shallow garbage any day of the week. Promise." He said. "You've already gotten me all sweet on you. It's too late to take your charms back now."
"Darn. I was hoping you'd break up with me so I could ask Brett out to the movies next week." I giggled.
"So...we're official now?" He smirked.
"Wait...what? I didn't say..."
"Nooooo...you said 'break up'. I heard you. We'd have to officially be together to break up, now wouldn't we?" He said. "So...are we official?"
"I dunno." I shrugged, trying to hold back the biggest grin of my life. "I'd like to be. I mean, if...if that's what you want."
"Ball's in my court then, I take it?" Parker said. Then, he reached for my hand. I have to admit to taking a few baby steps out of the closet on my own, and I've been proud of the progress that I've made over the past year...but there were still a few instances that made me a bit nervous about being openly gay in public. Not in a bad way. It didn't terrify me, or anything. I just still feel the tingles of being exposed in the pit of my stomach sometimes. It's kind of like that feeling you get in your NUTS during that first drop of a roller coaster. My brain lights up with a million ideas at once. Who's watching? What are they thinking? What are they saying? I've been so brainwashed into thinking that I was such an abomination for so long, that it's just a hard habit to break. But, breaking it is what I have to do if I ever want to be truly happy. Right? So...I gave Parker my hand, and I smiled, warmly, at him. Wondering if he was going to lean in and kiss me or not. Right there at the skater park, in front of everybody. I was almost hoping he would. I'd let him. I'd make out with him while sitting on that bench, with the gasps and whispered gossip providing the soundtrack to an evolving affection that most of them will never accept or understand. Was I nervous? Yes! But I was also ready. SO ready!
But instead, he just said, "You wanna get out of here?"
"Where would we go?" I asked.
"Doesn't matter. As long as you're with me, I'm sure it'll be paradise." I started to snicker a bit to myself, and Parker blushed all over again. "Yeah. That came out even cornier than it sounded in my head. Give me a break, I was trying to come up with something cute to say."
"Try a little harder..." I teased.
We stood up, skateboards under our arms as we we left the park after only being there for such a short amount of time. "I actually wrote that line in a story once. The paradise thing. I loved it at the time. Can't remember why. I was having a goofy romance moment, I suppose."
"What were you writing?"
"Don't worry about it. You're just gonna laugh." He giggled.
"How do you know? Just tell me."
Parker gave me a bashful smirk, and he confessed. "There was this online forum, and it was full of a lot of fanboys like, you and me. They sorta...had this challenge, right? And..."
"Hehehe, don't tell me you wrote a fanfic!" I said, wide eyed.
He laughed. "I wrote a couple of fanfics, actually." He said, proudly, lifting his chin and sticking out his chest. He's so adorable!
I feel like I'm totally losing control here.
"You hardly seem like the fanfic type." I told him.
"I might just be full of surprises if you're willing to stick around." Parker grinned.
"Who was it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Who did you write about?" I asked.
"Justin. Of course."
"And Taryn, right?"
Parker shyly bit his bottom lip. "Trevor, actually..." He heard me groan out loud. "I KNOW, I know! Don't hate me! Hehehe!"
"Why are people always putting those two together? I just don't get it." I chuckled.
"I don't know. Trevor's kinda fun to write about. You know...in that way. He's so...spontaneously wicked. There's something kinda hot about that. I wanted to write out what it might be like to see the two of them together."
"Total blasphemy." I taunted him, sure...but that part of him was just as beautiful as everything else. "Can I read it?"
"NO!" He exclaimed, forcing me to give him a mild look of shock.
"Because..." He said, "Things get a bit...naughty in my story. I'm not ready for you to see something like that yet. Not from me. Hehehe!"
"Yet?" I asked. "So...someday. Just not yet?"
"Someday, yes. Just not yet." He repeated.
"Sounds like a deal to me. I'll take it." When I heard his cute little laugh and saw some of his blond hair flop forward to sweep delicately across his forehead...I was sure that I had lost all sense of self control. Enough was enough. I just couldn't STAND it anymore!
As we were walking down an alley, a slightly faster shortcut between buildings, I gave into temptation, and I kissed Parker on the cheek. I know my whole face turned red when I did it, but I was unable to resist him for a second longer. I was visibly shaking with infatuation at that point, and I needed a release. Even if it was just a simple one.
However, when our eyes met, an unspoken order shared between our aching hearts, the innocence of the moment melted away, and I was beckoned forward to give him a very passionate kiss on the lips.
Parker lovingly caressed the sides of my face as our lips and tongues rediscovered their familiar connection, and rested my hands on his slender hips, feeling the warmth of him as I pulled him closer. No one has ever left me so breathless. Not ever.
It took a full minute or two for us to realize that we were making out in a random alley in broad daylight. That might not end well if we kept going. Or...if we went any further.
So our lips were parted, and we did all we could to resist the magnetic pull of the jolly rancher sweet feelings between us. It was then that Parker asked, "Do you wanna come over?"
"Come over? Like...to your house?"
"Will anybody be home?"
"I don't know, but...I really want you to come over. Like...we could be there in ten minutes. I'll figure everything else out afterwards." The utter desperation in his eyes was flattering beyond belief. But I'm sure that half of it was a mirror of my own craving as I fought to keep from getting a full erection right then and there.
What can I say? It was an offer I couldn't refuse. "Yeah. Ok!"