- I'm starting to feel like I'm spiraling down into misery again, and I really don't want to go there. Especially after Brandon's amazing efforts to...ummm...relax me yesterday. Hehehe! I'm trying as hard as I can to keep my spirits up, but...my mom and I sort of had a 'fight' tonight. Well, if you could call it that. And it hurt. It still hurts. I don't even know what to do about this feeling anymore. At least I'm not fighting back tears at the moment. So...that's a plus, I guess.
I had to go to work today, and even though I was just in a 'so-so' mood when I walked in, there's something about being submerged in my lovable group of freaks again that injected some comfort back into my life. My co-workers just...they feel like 'family', you know? I'm not exactly sure when that happened, but if I had to trace it back to one particular event...I'd say that it was the night that Taylor had us all come to watch his band perform on stage, and then got to hang out with him afterwards. There was just this special camaraderie between us all that I was thankful for. Not to mention that basically 'coming out' to them on the spot by kissing my boyfriend in front of everybody came with no real consequences or backlash. I never thought coming out would be so easy. So...problem-free.
If only the rest of the world could operate as smoothly as the microcosm of my work environment, there might be hope for the world at large.
I noticed that Taylor was acting a bit strange today. I mean, he was his usual grumpy self in a bunch of ways, but there was an added level of discomfort in his mood this time around. I heard a customer ask him for a popular song that is constantly playing on the radio, and could he help them find it. To which he responded, "No. I will not. But if you want some real music, I can give you some suggestions to break you out of your corporate brainwashing and digital download trauma. Here, follow me." That's typical Taylor behavior. We were all used to it by now. But still...something seemed off.
It wasn't until Garrett came over to help me empty a few baskets of new product that it seemed to 'click' for me. Garrett has loosened up and become more social since he started chasing Taylor around like a loyal puppy at work, but even he noticed a difference in how Taylor had been interacting with him lately. You see? I know Ollie didn't really mean any harm by saying something out loud about it, but letting Taylor know that Garrett might just have an actual crush on him might have done a lot more harm than good. Now Taylor's acting all weird and hesitant to get too close for fear of...I dunno...'leading him on' or something. Taylor's not the most subtle person in the world when it comes to outright rejecting somebody.
I saw Ollie looking at his phone and smiling to himself at the front counter, telling me, "Greg just sent me a quick text to tell me he loves me, and that he was thinking about me. Hehehe! Just...for no reason at all. Could he be any more perfect? He never gives me enough of a chance to even question how much he loves me. That's just how special he is. I swear, I'm gonna marry that boy someday."
Garrett smiled for a moment, happy that Ollie was so giddy over his little love note, and then he looked back out at the rest of the store, his eyes landing on Taylor as he was basically stacking one CD of 'decent' music after another in that poor customer's arms. I'm sure he just wanted to grab a single or two...but now it looked like he was going to have to dip into his college fund to support the habit Taylor was forcing him into.
Garrett was like, "Have you guys noticed something strange about Taylor lately?" The introduction of that question suddenly made me clam up and pretend that I didn't even hear him. He continued, "All of a sudden he seems a little distant. Is he ok?"
Grinning as he texted his boyfriend back, Ollie said, "Taylor? Distant? Boy, if you haven't gotten used to that part of his personality yet then you need to resubmit your friendship application, boy. His mood swings like a baseball pro on a cocaine high, more times than not. You'll get used to it."
Garrett kept watching his new buddy in the aisles, and he's like, "Yeah, I know about that part. But...I dunno. This is different. Maybe I said something stupid. I do that sometimes."
Ugh! I hated to hear Garrett say that. I really didn't want to put on my 'Save 'Em All' Billy cape and get involved like I usually do, but I did tell him, "I'm sure it's not you, dude. I'm sure Taylor is just stressed about something else entirely. He'll be back to normal soon. You'll see." There was no real truth to that at all, but I was hoping it would put some of his insecurities to rest. Lord knows that I've had my share of straight boy crushes. My best friend, Sam, included. It's never an easy situation to deal with, you know? It sucks having something so close to your heart, and yet so far out of your reach at the same time. I could do without that helpless feeling. We all could.
Garrett was like, "Yeah. I guess." Then he's like, "Say! His band is performing at the cafÃ© on 8th and State this weekend! Are you guys gonna go? I wanna check it out." He said. Garrett's got the cutest smile. Hehehe!
Ollie was like, "I've gotta work on Sunday. So it depends on how much energy I have after I get off. I might ride with you guys though, if you're going."
Garrett said, "I'm definitely going. What about you, Billy? Are you coming out to support him?"
I thought about it, and said, "I don't know just yet. Maybe. Last minute stuff comes up, you know?"
Garrett was all like, "Alright. But if you can make it, it would be more fun if we all went together. Just sayin', hehehe!" A month ago, I never would have heard this many words leave 'shy guy' Garrett's mouth in a single day, much less all at once. He really did go crazy for Taylor, didn't he? Geez!
It's almost kinda sad. Because would be an awesome boyfriend for anybody to find and latch on to. He's such a sweetheart. In every way that anybody COULD be a sweetheart. Maybe I could do something to maybe point him in Robin's direction so he could help him get away from the self-centered MONSTER that is AJ! I mean...it's possible that they could be compatible, right?
Maybe? I don't know. Robin and Jimmy didn't seem to like the idea of me trying to set them up together. In fact, I'm pretty sure they despised me for even making an attempt at killing two birds with one stone. It's probably best for me to just stay out of everybody's way. I can live my own life now. Brandon and I are together, I'll be going back to school soon, I'm not constantly worried about being forced out of the closet all the time...I should be rejoicing in the fact that I have an opportunity to finally be happy. Not somebody else...but me.
And yet...I can never get rid of that sour feeling in my stomach. That craving to want to help the people that I consider to be my friends. I don't feel like I can ever be hapy unless I know that they're ok. How psychotic is that?
I'd ask for help to get rid of that particular disorder...but I highly doubt any sane human being would have any clue as to what the fuck I was talking about.
Whatever. Sorry. Just in a somewhat rotten mood right now. And that brings me to my mom and our little 'blow up' today...
Taking the bus home and having to walk about six blocks to get home after my work shift...I just wanted to kinda kick my shoes off, plop down on the couch, and watch some TV while my mood decompressed from having to deal with customers all day long. But that wasn't possible. Not today.
Before I even stuck my key in the door to get inside...I hear my mom laughing. Laughing! I'm thinking...what the heck is that about? So I open the door and step in...and there she is, sitting on the couch...next to Mr. Franks! A major 'what the FUCK' moment for me, believe me! WHY is this strange man in my house on a random Friday night???
Mr. Franks greeted me with a smile, and my mom did the same. But it was hard for me to keep from frowning up. I could barely speak at all. There was a slow boiling rage that was building up from having this be a constant problem in our household. Why was he here? WHY???
I barely said anything at all, shooting my mom a disapproving look before taking my shoes off at the door and leaving to go and practically hide in my room until the offending presence was gone. Every animal, human beings included, knows when there's another invasive male within the vicinity. Mr. Franks was treading all over a territory that was meant for me. At least since my father left. He doesn't belong here. At ALL!
The whole time that Mr. Franks was there, I refused to leave my room. Even when my mom put dinner on the table for us all to eat together, I lied and told her that I wasn't hungry. I'm pretty sure that she could tell that I was upset, but I really didn't care at this point. What the fuck was she DOING with this guy??? Is she serious? This is SO fucking stupid!
It took nearly an hour of me refusing to show my face before Mr. Franks got a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation and decided to someplace else, where he MIGHT be wanted! And once I heard the door close, my mom came to MY room, opening the door and giving me a nasty look. Really? ME???
She's like, "What's wrong with you? Mr. Franks has been nothing but nice to you from the very beginning. Why would you treat him like that?"
I'm like, "Treat him like what? I didn't know he was gonna be here when I got home."
She tells me, "That's not the point, Billy. He's a guest in our home. You could at least show your face and come to the dinner table with the rest of us."
I rolled my eyes, like, "The rest of us..." I looked her in the eye, and said, "Since when is Mr. Franks a part of 'us'? I don't remember having a say in that."
She looked offended by my statement, so I looked away. I might get a bold shot in every now and then, but I won't pretend to be brave enough to go head to head with my own mom on something like this. Hopefully, she'll take the hint and change things up before this unwanted wanderer works his way any deeper into our lives. I don't WANT him here! I really don't! How can she not understand that? Why would she want anything else? Is she CRAZY???
My mom is all like, "Hey! What is this about?" I just turned my back to her and tried to busy myself with something else without giving her an answer, but she persisted. "This isn't working for me, Billy. What's with the silent treatment. Talk to me, what's going on here?"
Maybe it was a sudden surge of disgust that caused me to say it out loud, but...whatever. I turned to look my mother right in the eye, and I mimicked the exact same words that she once told ME! I said, "I don't think I'm comfortable with the idea of you and Mr. Franks being all alone in the house when I'm not here." When she gave me an insulted look in silence, I got even more bold, adding, "I think we need to set some 'ground rules' concerning this."
Fair is fair, right? Isn't that what she told me about having Brandon over to the house? Wasn't those her exact words? So I have to be chaperoned and looked after, but she doesn't? I'm sick of having this prowling 'fox' in my house when I'm at work. I'm sick of having to hear them laugh from behind closed doors. I'm sick of him trying to worm his way into our lives with the lame excuse of trying to 'fix' shit around the house. He's NOT her husband! He sure as fuck isn't my DAD! So get the fuck out! And STAY out!
My mother stared me down until I lost my nerve, and turned away from her again. Then I heard her step out of my room and slam my bedroom door shut.
It really bothered me at first. I sniffled a bit, but I couldn't explain what I was feeling at that moment if I tried. I just...I don't understand her at all right now. I miss my dad. I miss our family. This angry/depressed feeling is so useless, you know? I just...I don't need this in my life right now.
My mother hasn't said a word to me since. She left dinner on the stove top for me, but never once asked me to fix a plate for myself. I purposely waited for her to go to bed before getting anything to stop my stomach from rumbling. But the silence throughout the house was deafening.
I guess we're at a temporary stalemate for now.
Whatever. I'm just tired right now. I need sleep.
I'm sick of having to think about this shit. I'm NOT letting that man get any closer to my mom. I'm just not going to let it happen. I have enough problems out there in the world at large without having to come 'home' to more. Fuck that! Let him go get his jollies somewhere else...
I'm gonna stop talking now. My heart hurts. I'll add more tomorrow. When my brain is working right again.
Later. I'm done. Talking about this is so exhausting...
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