Ryan hadn't really given me much of a hint as to where he was whisking me off to all of a sudden, so it was difficult to figure out what I sure wear. Sometimes I have this weird thing about being under or over dressed when I'm around other people. It just feels weird to me. So I tried to pick an outfit that had that 'back to school', classy, casual, look to it...grabbed my house keys, and hopped into Ryan's dad's car.
He immediately leaned over to give me a sloppy kiss on the cheek, causing me to wince and giggle from the surprise of the ticklish sensation. "HEY! Behave yourself, Mister!" I said.
"You know you love it!" He grinned. "You look great, hon. You ready?"
"How can I possibly be 'ready'? I don't know where the hell we're going yet. Hehehe!"
"Well, you and I will just have to drive around until we find something both fun, but relaxing, to do." He smirked.
"Isn't that just a waste of gas?" I asked.
"Don't sweat it. I totally expect you to pay me back with sexual favors of the most disgusting and perverse nature." He grinned.
"Great. As long as we've worked out a consensual payment plan ahead of time, that's ok...carry on." I said. Ryan tried to steal another kiss from me, but I leaned away from him, pointing at the windshield. "Quit it! Hehehe! Keep your eyes on the road!"
"We're not even moving yet!"
"Right! And who's fault is that?" I told him, trying to keep a straight face. "Go that way. Take me somewhere fancy, already."
"Fancy was never a part of the deal, Randy. I just said we had to go outside to get there."
"Well...we're outside now. So, like...get there." Yeah, I know I can be stubborn, but Ryan always took that as more of a tease than a rejection. Deep down, he knows me well enough to know that I really couldn't say no to him, even if I wanted to. Which...I usually don't.
Ryan put the car in drive and proceeded to coast through the neighborhood until we got to a main street, where he took a moment to contemplate whether he wanted to go left or right. He chose left. And now our adventure begins...I guess?
Ryan kept looking over at me every chance he got. I couldn't really define the reflection I saw in his glittering orbs of hazel magic. And when I asked him what he was up to, he said, "I'm just so happy to see you feeling better. I can't stand it when you're miserable. It makes me ache inside, you know?" I blushed a little, trying to hold back my smile. But just as I was trying to think of something witty to say in response, Ryan sighed, "You're beautiful. You know that?"
"Hehehe, wow. You are laying it on pretty thick today, aren't you?"
He didn't allow me to deflect the compliment though. "Maybe it's just me being selfish, but I just love who I am when I'm with you, Randy. After all this time...I still feel like I'm looking at you for the very first time. It baffles me how my heart can still race in your presence after everything we've been through together. I swear...I have to ask myself which way my life would have gone if I hadn't walked into your first period History class that day. I imagine that I'd be a totally different person if it wasn't for...you know...us."
Okaaaay, so this wasn't just Ryan having a flirtatious moment here. My blushes and giggles were suddenly gaining added weight...my heart getting heavy with emotion. "I often wonder the same thing, you know? I think meeting you gave me an entirely different perspective on what life could be. You sort of changed the game for me. Hehehe! From our very first kiss...I just knew that nothing was ever going to be the same. There was no turning back after that. And...good times and bad...I don't regret a single second of it, Ryan. Not a single second."
"Now...this is what Spring Break is all about." He said, and reached down to hold my hand. "Ooh, I've got an idea! Let's go to the beach."
I'm like, "What? Hehehe! Where did that come from? The beach?"
"Yeah! Why not? It's a nice day, the Lake isn't far away from here...we can park, go on out, walk in the sand for a while? What do you say?"
"It's nice outside, but I don't know if it's, exactly, beach weather, hon. Hehehe! What are we supposed to do out there?"
"What is anybody supposed to 'do' on the beach? We just lay there and exist in the same space for a while. I can't think of anything better to do with our day. Can you?"
Our eyes met for a moment, and we shared a smile. So I let him know, "Nope. Can't think of a thing. Let's go for it." And once the green light was given, Ryan headed to our destination without any further comment from me. I just loved to see him smile. But...even more than that, it had become a goal of mine to, somehow, match the love he had given me so willingly with a few rainbows and giggles of my own. It was important to me. Ryan has made every single moment of my life a joy filled adventure, and I wanted nothing more than to return it to him, tenfold. You see...it's not enough to just say, 'I love you'. That's just a collection of words that people rattle off in a lazy attempt to keep someone close to them. But I'm experienced enough at this point to know that love is SO much more than that. More than the cute faces that you see from boy models or entertainment gossip sites. More than the random sex stories you read online. More than the ego stroke that you get when somebody else loves you first...and you fall into the habit of using that attention for your own benefit.
No. My newest understanding of love itself comes from the actions that you put forth to demonstrate your true respect and loyalty to the people you care about most. That 'never say die' part of you that most people only discover when it comes to a 'life and death' scenario where your very survival is in jeopardy. It's the development of a new comfort zone. One that you share with some special. Someone that lifts you up and inspires you to step into a brand new area of you life that you were so afraid to approach before 'he' came along. Thinking back...that first time, pressing my lips against Ryan's and exchanging our true feelings for one another...it altered the path of my life, forever. And I rejoice in being one of the lucky ones who were blessed enough to feel that euphoric moment of bliss for just a few brief moments. That's all I wanted. All I could ever ask for. A boy of my very own. Someone who completes me in every way. Someone who fills in the gaps of my life that I never even knew were there before. He's my savior from a life of boredom and isolation. We found each other, and my biggest inspiration, my number ONE priority...is to mean as much to him as he means to me.
That's what love is. Feeling better about what you give than what what you receive. If you ever reach the point where you care about somebody more than you care about yourself? Then you have truly transcended beyond your 'typical' human instincts. You've solved the puzzle. You've beaten the system. If you spend your life only getting pleasure from what other people give you...you're going to be disappointed. Ans angry. And insufferable to everybody that you've personally put in charge of making you happy in the first place. But when you can enjoy everything that your sweetie gives you, with no cost at all, and get an added bonus by appreciating the feeling you get by giving back to him in return...then EVERY day is a great day! Hehehe! Without question.
One day...anybody that knows us personally and has any idea of what we went through to get to this point...I want them to feel good about the love that Ryan and I have shared with one another since we first met. I want us to be the example that others aspire to. The guiding light for what is possible for every lonely boy out there who ever doubted that something like this could ever be a part of their reality.
I've been in that pit before. I've struggled and waded through that quagmire of quicksand and misery...where you feel left out of society's 'plan', and think you're going to be punished for it for the rest of your life. It's just not true. The world is evolving. People are finally growing up. And even though acceptance seems frustratingly slow...it's happening. And there's going to be a day when I can kiss my boyfriend in public and not have it be weird. A day when I can hold his hand in the hallways at school, or introduce him as my actual 'boyfriend' in front of my mom without feeling that pressured sense of shame or awkwardness that has been thrust upon us without permission. That's all I want. Nothing more.
I don't want to preach or make some kind of life altering statement here. I just want to be happy. I want the PERMISSION to be happy. Given by those who are so obsessed with the illusion that they were ever in control in the first place. I just...I don't CARE about that stuff! They can have their delusion. I just want a tiny space for Ryan and I to be happy together without somebody flipping out about it. A place where we can feel as 'normal' as everybody else does. It's just...a privilege that I've never experienced before in my life. And I can only fantasize about what a life like that must feel like. No staring eyes...no judgements...no disappointed parents...just me and the boy I love more than anything in this world. And his love for me in return.
How liberating would it be to not spend a single second of my life in love feeling 'weird' about who I am? You know?
Maybe someday. Just...not while the control freaks pretend to not see the flaw in their reasoning. Just saying...
Ryan easily found parking right next to the lake. It was hardly a day to visit the beach, but there was still a decent crowd there, regardless. Ryan was going to pay the few bucks that was needed for us to get a beach token, but I didn't allow him to. I paid my own way. Ryan just grinned and winked at me. He didn't protest like I thought he would. Instead, he just left a lane open for me to be independent. I can appreciate that. Hehehe!
So we walked out on the beach together...no towels or anything, and just sat in the sand with the waves of the lake being pulled in and pushed back out in front of us. It was rather peaceful, to be honest. Ryan decided to play some music on his phone for us to listen to, but we just ended up mentally reducing it to background music. I just liked engaging my boyfriend in conversation. Whether it be something of importance or something trivial...we've fallen into such a level of comfort that we're just never left without something to say. Which only made me think, 'Oh God...Tyler's totally right about us, isn't he? Ryan and I have transformed ourselves into an old married couple.' Hehehe, when the hell did that happen? And why didn't we do something to stop it before it took such a determined hold of us?
It was then that Ryan's phone indicated that he was getting a message, and he picked it up to see what it was. Ryan snickered a bit to himself, then quickly texted something back and put his phone back down to continue playing our little beach-bound soundtrack.
"What was that?" I asked.
"Nothing. Sean was just sending me something funny, that's all. I swear, he never puts his phone down for longer than a few minutes at a time. I think he feels the need to share every thought that goes through his head, some days." Ryan's smile was...genuine. Sorry...but that still bothered me.
With a casual shrug of my shoulders, I said, "Well...what was it? I could always use a laugh, too, ya know? Hehehe!"
Fight the feeling, Randy. You already know better. I'm NOT jealous, I'm just curious. That's all. I promise.
"It's nothing big. Just shits and giggles. You know Sean."
No. I really don't. "Well, if you don't want to share, then I'll just have to bore you with some more of my conversation then."
I was smiling, but Ryan gave me a sideways look, regardless. So he doesn't protest, and eases my mild paranoia by opening the message and showing it to me. "Take a look..." He said.
I looked at the screen, and it read:
"I wish you could come and hang out today. I'm so bored. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to spend the rest of the day masturbating! Darn! I won't be thinking about YOU though! Promise! At least not this time! :P"
Ryan was watching my face for a reaction, and I made sure to give him a smile. I don't think he bought it though. "He's just kidding, Randy!"
"I know!" I said. "I didn't say anything. It's fine. It was a masturbation joke. I get it."
"He just has a naughty sense of humor, that's all. Seriously. He does that with everybody. He's just trying to be funny, k?"
"Of course. I didn't say anything bad about him. I'm leaving it alone." He gave me a nudge, and I giggled, "SERIOUSLY, k? I trust you. It's not even an issue anymore. I'm done with that whole business." I secretly took a hold of Ryan's hand, and said, "As long as you're here with me...I've got no complaints."
Ryan looked into my eyes, and he said, "Do you really mean that?"
"Most definitely." I assured him.
That's when he switched his phone back over and showed me his reply to Sean...
"Sorry, dude! Me and the BF decided to get out of the house today and spend some quality time together. He's the only stroke material I need. But you have fun 'fisting your mister'! Use plenty of spit!"
I think Ryan saw my eyes widen as he impressed me, yet again, with another devastating compliment...made in my favor. Ryan leaned over to playfully rub his nose on my cheek. "Hehehe, is that the response you were expecting me to give him? Or were you expecting, 'Trying to ditch my lame sweetheart right now! I'll come over and suck you off when I can get away!"? Hehehe, is that what you thought you'd see?"
"Awww, c'mon, Ryan. I never said anything as bad as all that. I'd never make an assumption like that..."
"Shhhh...I'm just goofing around. Don't worry, I'm not making any accusations. You have my word."
"I know, just..." I wasn't sure what to say after that. I mean, I've already told him my feelings on the situation. But...they're friends. What am I supposed to do? Stop them from talking to one another? What if he had told me I couldn't talk to Tyler anymore? I mean...that would suck. I'm trying to be smart about this, but I'm far from being a 'controlling' boyfriend. For good or bad, I love Ryan with my whole heart...and his happiness has to matter too.
Just...don't think that I'm not paying attention. Because I am.
It might just be time for me and Sean to have a talk about this. I know what Cody has been telling me, and I have seen a lot of his worst case scenarios come true...so I don't have much reason to not believe him. But...maybe Sean can be reasoned with. Hostility might only get him to try harder to snuggle up to my boyfriend, so maybe that's not the way to go with this. Let me try something else instead.
My train of thought was suddenly broken as I saw Ryan reach down and casually pull his shirt up and over his head. Now...normally, seeing my baby bare chested is the highlight of my day! The more skin the better. But today, he took me by surprise. "Omigod! What are you doing?"
He grinned, "What? It's the beach. It's hot. Half the people out here have their shirts off. Here...let me take yours off too..."
"Hahaha! NO! What are you...forget it!" I said.
"What's wrong? Hehehe!"
"What's wrong with me not wanting to suddenly strip down in front of a bunch of strangers?"
Ryan couldn't help but to laugh at me. "It's not like a crowd of old men are making it rain dollar bills on your shoulders! It's the beach. It's Spring Break. That's the perfect time to be shirtless. Besides, I can't be the only hottie out here." He reached for my shirt again, and I playfully slapped his hand away. "Alright, suit yourself. But I feel great! You feel that warm sunlight? It's cozy. You should join me. Just sayin'."
"Maybe later." I said. I mean, I've been to the beach a hundred times before...I just didn't expect to go topless today. I don't know, maybe I just wasn't in the mood. Not that Ryan couldn't convince me with a particular tilt to his sexy grin. "And for the record, you're not the only hottie out here. That guy over there is pretty tasty too, ya know?" I teased.
"Oh well now you're just being a diva. Hehehe!"
"Well, don't worry. I promise not to think about him when I jack off later."
"I see what you did there. Very subtle." He said, and gave me a little poke in the ribs with his finger.
"Sorry. Alright. I'm done. I got my shot in...I'll stop."
Ryan ran his fingers through his hair, and he said, "I don't know...I kinda like seeing your jealous side. It's cute. Just like everything else I've come to love about you. It let's me know that you're just as crazy about me as I am about Sean..." Then he giggled. "OOPS! I meant YOU! Crazy about YOU! Gee, I almost got myself in trouble there!"
I pushed Ryan over in the sand, and he had to brush himself off while laughing at my envious gesture. "You are so bad."
"But you love me! Right?"
"I do. I really do."
"Forever and ever?" He asked with a wink.
"Forever and ever." I said, and...even though we were on a public beach...I had grown more comfortable with simply reaching forward to take a hold of my boyfriend's hand. Something that Ryan really appreciated, and with a gentle blush...he leaned forward to give me a gentle kiss on the lips. It was quick, and it was innocent...but I've come a long long way from feeling the need to recoil from his public displays of affection. It felt good. It felt natural. It felt justified. And right after feeling his lips on mine under the Sun, a gentle Spring weather breeze whispering its praises for our open expression of love for one another...I decided to reach down and pull my shirt off as well. Might as well, right?
"Now we're talking!" Ryan giggled, pinching my nipple as I nearly screamed out for him to leave me alone.
Sometimes, it's the calm moments that connect us the most. And we've got more of those than we can count.
I love you, Ryan. I always will. Let's be the example for what young love can be. Let's show the rest of the world how to do this right...for as long as we possibly can.
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