I don't know how much sex we had today. It's not like I was counting or anything, but...the funnest art was the kissing. Just kissing naked. I mean, yeah, Tyler and I did it a whole bunch of times, but even when we weren't doing it...he would just hold me. He would press his sweet lips to mine, and our skin would touch all over, and sometimes he would be on top of me...and sometimes he would roll me over on top of him so he could fondle my butt while we kissed some more. So, like...it wasn't a bunch of sex stuff or anything. It was more like this one long afternoon of love and peace and just...dreamy touching. We never stopped. Even when he got his laptop to show me some funny stuff on Youtube while we were resting, he still held me close. And I found it hard to pay attention to the screen at all. I was more focused on the taste of his lips. On the subtle warmth of his body heat as he wrapped his arms around me. On the feel of his silky blond hair as he kissed me on the back of the neck and let his longish locks sweep over my shoulder in this really ticklish way. Hehehe! he's so perfect! He makes me feel like I'm not doing enough to deserve something this divine. Awww...he should be with the best boy ever created!
What the heck is he wasting his time with ME for? You know?
It's like this super crazy wet dream that I keep trying to wake up from...but I can't! Don't get me wrong, there's a part of me that never wants to wake up...but the rest of me is afraid of falling too hard, too fast. I've kind of been through that with Randy Stephens...and that didn't end up being such a good time in the end. Not that it was his fault or anything, but...I probably should have been more careful with my feelings. It's hard to do when you're falling in love for the first time. But...I think I like that.
Just being free to give your heart and soul to somebody completely, without restraint, lost in the surreal confusion of a total freefall without end. I don't know...I would take a few moments of fantasy based bliss over a lifetime of being guarded and defensive about everything I feel, just for the sake of being 'safe'. What am I so scared of? Not that this isn't scary...because it IS! Hehehe, it totally is! But if I had to actually write down what was so frightening about it all...I doubt that I could come up with a legitimate excuse.
Whatever it is that terrifies me about giving myself so recklessly over to Tyler's heart...it doesn't outweigh the benefits of giving it a shot. I'm in love. I'm SO in love! And if it were to all come crashing down tomorrow in a ball of flames and black smoke...I could rest at night knowing that I gave it my all when I had it.
Call me a romantic, or whatever...but I think I would take a whole bucket load of pride in that.
Unfortunately, the time came when I had to tell my Tyler goodbye again. It always makes my heart feel heavy when I have to do that. It just...it kind of hurts, you know? It's hard to think that I won't be able to look into his eyes for countless hours until we get to be together again.
Would I sound greedy if I asked him to come over again tomorrow? I don't want to make a habit out of getting this kind of daily attention from him like this. I'll be shivering with signs of withdrawal by the end of our first week back at school if I do.
But once I got dressed, and shared a bunch of extra, last minute, kisses with my angel...he walked me to the door, and he lightly brushed the hair out of my eyes, asking, "See you tomorrow?"
OH gosh! THANK YOU!!! I was too scared to ask, myself. "Hehehe, m'kay." I said. "Early?"
"Yeah. Early." He sighed, and he kissed me softly on the lips, causing me to blush and lean into him, pressing my face against his chest while my emotions tried to figure out whether it want to giggle sadly or cry tears of joy. You'd be surprised how closely related those two emotions are when you're this deeply involved with somebody so beautiful.
Gosh, he smells good...
"M'kay. I'll call first. And then...ummm...and then I'll come back over." I grinned.
"I'll be waiting." He smiled. And, just as I stepped outside of his front door, he was like, "Ariel?"
"I love you."
Oh no! I...I wasn't expecting...
Ok, I guess 'tears of joy' it is then. "I love you TOO!" I whimpered, hoping that some of my hair would keep him from seeing my baby tears over his sweetness. I'm turning to jelly. I need to go. I'm SO new at this! I wish I could 'love' better. Hehehe, but I'm learning quickly. Promise.
I walked away, waving at him and hiding my secretive giggles as I tried to put enough distance between us to fight the urge to run right back into his arms again. I swear...he's just too much for me sometimes. WAY too much.
I walked home while being guided by some weird form of dreamy 'auto pilot'. I don't know how I was able to keep myself from wandering out in front of a delivery truck, or just possibly ending up in an entirely different part of town altogether. Just lucky, I s'pose.
When I stepped in through the front door, my Gramms was already getting started on dinner. I don't know what she was making, but DANG did it ever smell good! "Ariel? Is that you?"
"Yes, Gramms!" I called back.
"Do you need a snack to hold you over until dinner?" She asked.
"No thank you. I'm ok." I said, and I hurried off into my room to shut the door and fall back on my bed with a smile. I just wanted to think about him some more. It was almost like I could still feel his arms around me. I felt so darn 'squishy' inside at that moment that I had to grab one of my pillows and hug it tight up against my chest as I curled up and giggled softly to myself. How did I get to this point? I can barely even remember meeting Tyler for the first time! I just remember that he was most precious jewel of a boy that I had ever seen before...and I still can't believe that he's all mine. Hehehe, oh man, what do I do with this feeling? There's so MUCH of it! He makes me feel so goofy sometimes!
I think I rolled back and forth a few times before I found myself getting too restless to sit still. I just...I want to...ugh! I stood up, and I started looking around my room. I didn't want to call Tyler, because I just left his house not long ago, and I didn't want to come off as being too clingy and stuff. But I was just inspired to do...I don't know....something. Like, I wanted to express myself to him. I wanted to show him how much he meant to me. I thought about doing another drawing of him, just so I could give my bubbly emotions some kind of outlet that would take some of the edge off, but it almost didn't seem like enough. I guess I just had this lovey dovey energy to burn, and I didn't know how to do it.
"Ariel? Come down, hon." Gramms said, and I tried my best to shake off my jitters so I wouldn't look so worked up.
"Coming..." I said, and I bounced my way down to the kitchen in my sock feet to see her putting a little bit of applesauce in a bowl for me with a teaspoon of cinnamon. Sweet!
She saw the smile on my face and couldn't help but to smile herself. "I know that you always like to eat the leftover applesauce whenever I use this recipe."
"Thanks, Gramms!" I said, sitting down as she gave me a spoon. "Mmmm, it's so good. Hehehe!"
She gave me a kiss on the top of my head. "Did you have fun at Tyler's house today?"
Feeling a little bit nervous about saying too much, I just nodded. "Mm hmm..." Then I focused on the applesauce instead of daring to look up into her eyes. However, a little bit of silence goes a long way when it comes to being this paranoid. I peeked up again, and she was looking directly at me. "It was fun."
"Was it now?" She smiled, and I couldn't help but to blush.
There was another short silence, and when I peeked up again...there she was, smiling at me again. I don't know what she knew or didn't know, but I giggled and threw her a bone. "We ummm...we kissed a lot. Tyler likes to kiss." I said. "Me too. Hehehe..."
"I'll bet." She said, and then she winked at me.
I playfully rolled my eyes. "Gramms...don't."
"I think you two are so sweet. It's a good thing."
I kept giggling, and I really wish that I could talk to her about this kind of thing. But she's my grandmother. I'm already pushing the envelope by mentioning the fact that I'm kissing another boy on the lips all day. I hardly think that I'd be able to explain us being naked, with me riding Tyler Jordan's stiff weiner while I scream cuss words out in the throes of passion. I think that would be a bit much.
"I really love him, Gramms. I can't believe how much he drives me crazy." I sighed.
"I know the feeling. Believe me."
"I wish I had some way to...just, like...let him know how much he means to me. I always feel like I could do something 'extra', you know?"
She thought for a second, and she said, "You know...when your grandfather and I first started dating, we went to the park together to look up at the stars...and after we had been there for a little while, he reached into his pocket, and he pulled out one of his old Boy Scout medals from his shirt pocket. He had taken the round part of it and used his fathers tools to drill a little hole through the center of it. And he threaded a string through it, so I could wear it as a necklace." She smiled at the memory. "When he put it around my neck, I got chills all over. I don't think I've ever felt so special."
"Awww, that was sweet." I said. "I wish I could do something like that. Make Tyler feel all special and stuff."
"You can." She said.
"But...I was never in the Boy Scouts."
"Hahaha, awww, babe...that's not the point." She said. "The gesture of giving the gift means more than the gift itself. Do you know what I mean?"
I thought about it for a second, and I said, "I might have some money in my kitty bank. Maybe I can go to the mall before the bus stops running."
"Well, you don't have to go anywhere tonight, honey..."
"But I'm going to see Tyler again tomorrow. I wanna, like...having something ready. Something cool." I started feeling a touch of excitement building up inside of me at the thought of it. Yeah. I could buy him something to keep close to his heart when I'm not around. Just a little reminder to say, 'Ariel loves you sooooo much' when we're apart. "Yeah! Wow, that would be cool! What time is it? I think I've got time to go before it gets too dark outside."
"Hehehe, Ariel...it wasn't my intention to send you off and running before dinner."
I whined, "I'll be back super soon, Gramms. I promise. I wanna go and do this while I'm thinking about it. Oh wow, I've got SO many ideas! I'm gonna go empty out my kitty bank right now!"
I scooted my chair back from the table, hopping up before she could stop me. She just sort of shook her head as I hurried out of the kitchen, knowing that young love doesn't really listen to reason. Not in the way that an adult could ever understand...only vaguely remember.
I rushed back into the kitchen for a second, and I grabbed the bowl of applesauce. Can't leave that! It's too good! "Thanks, Gramms! You're rad!" I kissed her on the cheek, and then ran back to my room again.
I went right to my shelf and grabbed my kitty bank, which felt kind of heavy at the moment. That's a GOOD thing! All of that lose change and stuff adds up after a while. I wasn't really saving up for anything special, so why not blow the whole stash on my angel, right? Luckily, it wasn't one of those banks that you had to break open. There was a little plugged up hole on the bottom of it, and I poured out the change on my bed in a big ol' heap. Tons of pennies, but I saw a lot of silver in there too. Good sign.
I started counting it up as quickly as I could. And I ended up with twenty two dollars and sixty seven cents. Oh wait, I've got some quarters in my pocket! Twenty four dollars and twenty two cents! Ok...umm...I can get Tyler something cool for that amount of money, right? How much do necklaces cost? I never bought one before. Heh...I never had to, I guess. I hope this is enough.
I got one of my old ugly Christmas socks from last year, and I filled it up with change. I figured that I could put whatever was leftover in my pockets. Which might be a little heavy, but I've only got to drag it to the mall. It's not like I'm going to have to drag it back with me.
Ugh...I need to tighten up my belt. With all of these coins in my pocket, my pants are probably going to drop to my ankles the second I walk into the mall. My tushy is going to be hanging out for everybody to see. Noooo! That's Tyler's tushy! Hehehe, nobody else gets a peek!
I think Gramms laughing at the comical way that I was clinging and clanging as I tried to walk to the door with my pockets full of change. I told her that I'd be back soon, but she stopped me. "Come here! My goodness, boy...you are so backwards sometimes!" She snickered.
"Huh? I'm ok. I've got half of it in my Christmas sock."
"Ariel, you can't just go up to the counter and spill out a six month haul's worth of change. Don't be silly. Come here." She said, and told me to empty my pockets out on the kitchen table. "How much ya got, kiddo?"
"I've got twenty four dollars, and maybe a little bit more." I said, biting the corner of my bottom lip. It sounds like a lot less money now that I said it out loud. And that's minus what it's going to cost me to take the bus to the mall and get home again. Maybe this was a silly idea, after all.
"Wait right here..." Gramms said, and she walked into the other room to get her purse. Then she came back, and she handed me two TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS!!! Whoah! "Here. Go chase down that last bus to the mall and try to get back before your dinner gets cold, ok?"
"But..." I mumbled. "...Gramms, this is too much. I don't need this much."
"Hush. You go and get your new boyfriend something that says whatever it is that you need it to say. And if you have anything left over, you keep it for yourself. Just in case."
I started to tear up a little bit, and I said, "You can have all the change in my kitty bank. Like, all of it. I'll get more too. You can have more when I get more..."
"Hahaha! We'll worry about cramming all of this heavy metal back into your kitty bank later. Right now...you've got a bus to catch. Go."
I didn't want to start crying and getting my eyes all red and puffy, but a tear or two slipped out by accident when I hugged her tightly around the waist. "Thank you."
She brushed my hair out of my eyes and gave me a kiss on the forehead before telling me to go on before I missed my chance. She really did believe in us, didn't she? Me and Tyler. I used to think that having anybody know that I liked cute boys would be the most terrible, most emotionally destructive, event that my inexperienced heart would ever have to face. But...it wasn't. There was somebody out there that really understood what I was feeling...and they were ready and willing to support me going forward to pursue something magical in my life. I don't know, there's just a miracle in that whole idea that I don't think I ever could have predicted before now.
I swear...even when Tyler's not around...he makes everything in my life SO much better than it was before! Hehehe!
I took the bus out to the mall, and it was pretty crowded during this time of day. But I would have been all wiggly if I tried to sit down anyway, because my mind was racing at the time. What do I buy for Tyler? What would he like? What wouldn't he like? The gesture of giving the gift means more than the gift itself. That's what Grams said. I hope I don't mess this up.
I got off the bus by the side door of the mall, and immediately felt my heart pumping itself up with adrenaline. Where do I go? I feel like I have SO much money right now! It usually has to be my birthday for me to have this much money in my pocket. Ok, so ummm...what do I get? I don't have enough for something too expensive, so I guess video games and gadgets are out of my price range. Hmmmm...
I could get him a really cool shirt or something. But everything looks good on Tyler, no matter what he's wearing. I don't know if he'd be too impressed with that kind of thing. I thought about maybe getting him some pricey spray cologne...but Tyler smells so good without any cologne at all. I prefer the way he smells now. It's a cute smell, you know? Hehehe!
I'm not really sure what kind of music he likes. I have some ideas, but he has everything that he likes already. I can't afford any shoes or anything. What am I doing? I'm supposed to be thinking with my heart, not my lame brain.
That's when I passed up a jewelry kiosk in the center of the hall, and I stopped to take a look at some of the stuff they had hanging up on the counter. I moved closer, and I know that Tyler isn't really into diamonds or anything like that. Certainly not fake ones like these. And he doesn't have his ears pierced, so earrings are out of the question. But as I moved around the counter, I noticed a few pieces that were a bit more subtle. Less flashy, you know?
Tyler's smile is the flashiest thing in the world. He hardly needs silver or gold to enhance his look in any way.
Oooh, these bracelets are kind of cool. I know that they weren't real gold, but they looked pretty close. Maybe he'd like one of these? Or this one? No wait...this one might be better.
There was a lady at the counter who stepped over and said, "How are you doing today? Can I help you find anything?"
Blushing slightly, I said, "I'm just sort of looking for something for my..." I almost said 'boyfriend', but stopped myself. "...Someone special, I guess."
She smiled. "Oh, well, do you know what this 'someone special' have a preference?"
"Ummm, heh, sorry...I don't really know." I said. Then I told her, "This is my first time buying stuff like this." She seemed to melt when she heard that.
"Oh. Well, how about you step over here and maybe we can find you something that she'll remember."
"She who?" I asked, forgetting that most people would just assume that it was a she. "Oh! Yeah. She's...she needs something, ummm, cool."
The lady brought me to another part of the counter, and then had to step away to ring up somebody else at the register. I was looking at the bracelets and stuff, but as my eyes traveled upward, I noticed a few necklaces that didn't look too expensive. Well, at least not more than what I had in my pocket. I reached up to see one that was a circle with a design on it. Nah, not that one. I got on my tip toes, and felt one that was a cross, and another one that was in the shape of a triangle. They were cool, but...nope. Not those either.
Then, waaay up above those...was a thin golden necklace...and attached to it was a little golden bear. It almost looked exactly like the bear that Tyler won for me at the carnival earlier this week! Omigosh! That's perfect! I want that one! Yeah...that's the one! How much is it?
The price tag was kind of twisted around in a way where I couldn't see it clearly. But I knew that this was the one I wanted to buy for Tyler. Definitely. So I got up as high on my tip toes as I possibly could. I was reaching for it, and could barely get my two longest fingers to get a grip on it. I attempted to flick it upwards a few times to see if I could get it over the little hook thingy and have it fall down into my hand, but it was being super stubborn.
So I yanked on it a few times, and...that's when it looked like something got all unhinged and crooked. I stopped pulling on it, but the rack started to fall over, and I had to jump out of the way to keep it from hitting me in the head! Oh no! The whole rack of jewelry spilled out all over the floor, and the rack falling was soooo loud! Even though I tried to catch it, it only seemed to get louder, and it only made a bigger mess.
Awwww! I did it AGAIN, didn't I? Way to go, Ariel!
The lady behind the counter spun around to see what all the ruckus was about, and I dropped to my knees to pick everything up as quickly as I could. My face was SO red! It was humiliating. People were walking by the mess in the mall, and I was like, "Be careful. Don't walk over here. This is...ummm...this is a hazard area. Please go around."
I kept trying to pick stuff up and put it on the counter, but then it started sliding off the counter and falling back on the floor. My heart began to flutter with panic as I attempted to contain the situation as best as I could, and the lady finally told me to stop. She didn't look happy, but it wasn't my fault. I swear.
"Just...leave it, ok?" She said with a grunt. And even though I was embarrassed beyond belief, I rummaged through the mess on the floor to find the teddy bear necklace that I was originally reaching for.
I timidly put it on top of the counter, and avoiding the lady's eyes, I mumbled, "I'd like to purchase this one, please."
I could tell that she was frustrated. But she took it and rang me up anyway. Then, sarcastically...she said, "This must be one lucky girl for you to do all of this."
And even though I felt bad about having another one of my little 'accidents' right there in a shopping mall full of people, I lifted my chin, spoke clearly, and I said, "No, Ma'am...I'm the lucky one."
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