There's always this intense feeling of 'absence' whenever Deme and I have to say goodbye to one another. I try to ignore it, or at the very least, brush it off as me being childish and overly obsessive about a boy who seems so far above my emotional pay grade that I should be happy that I get to spend any real time with him at all. But...once he leaves...there I go, longing to be near him again. Gazing at the smoothness and beauty of his lightly tanned skin. The sweetness portrayed in a certain tilt of his gorgeous smile. The shiny locks of his dark brown hair as it curtained the sides of his lovely face. And the glimmer in his brown eyes as they reflected my love for him back at me without apology.
I had to sigh to myself to keep my love stricken heart from swelling up beyond its capacity and exploding in a burst of glitter and sparkles in the center of my chest. I can't help it. It's just what he does to me, you know?
I never had an actual boyfriend before. He's my first. And the very fact that he's unfathomably gorgeous on top of everything else about his personality, everything that he brings to the table when it comes to loving me back...it's almost too much for me to handle. It, literally, makes me want to collapse sometimes. How can this NOT be too good to be true? You know?
I'm doing my best to wake myself up out of this dream state so that I can think about this situation with a rational mind...but I can't. If anything, I'm starting to abandon reality entirely because I would rather live in this dream forever if it meant being able to have Deme's soft, boyish, lips touch mine while my knees go weak. I'd prefer a lovely illusion over a harsh reality at this point. So...please bear with me as I try to navigate my way towards some sort of emotional balance between the two extremes. Because this is so CRAZY to me right now.
Sarah and Stephanie were both able to finish off her project for school tomorrow somehow, and I was in the kitchen as Stephanie was getting ready to leave. Good riddens. The last thing I needed is another girl in this house, making me feel like some kind of outcast. Sarah and Stephanie hugged and were making plans to get together for lunch and stuff. Something that I didn't pay much attention to as I opened up a soda from the fridge and started guzzling it down, fizz bubbles and all. But Stephanie suddenly walked over to me and said, "Bye, Shane..."
I wrinkled up my brow a bit with confusion. "Bye." I said back to her, wondering why she even made the effort to speak to me at all. Then she moved in to give me a tight hug around the waist, squeezing me with both of her arms. "Ummm...what's going on here?"
"Nothing." She said, and she smiled as she let go of me. Backing away with the strangest look in her eyes. "See you later?"
Baffled at her behavior, I said, "I....guess?"
"Cool..." She sighed.
Sarah was looking at her weird too. "Stephanie? Are you blushing?"
"NO!" She insisted. "I'm just...shut up! I'm outta here. Seeya tomorrow!" I swear, that girl has some serious issues in her head. I don't get it. Not at all.
When Mom finished dinner, we were all sitting at the table, and all Sarah could talk about was Dimitry. it was just an hour of 'Deme this' and 'Deme that', and she didn't seem to want to hold back anything at all when it came to just...being totally in love with him...and saying it out loud. Something that I wondered if I'd ever be able to do.
I mean, my mom smiled and grinned at her fangirly enthusiasm over my new boyfriend, and I just...I had to sit there quietly and take it. I couldn't tell them how I felt about Deme without having it sound strange. Like some sort of sickness or mental abnormality. It might sound ridiculous to some...but I was kind of jealous of the fact that I couldn't ever enjoy the comfort and the overwhelming joy of loving another boy the way my little sister does. I'll never know what it's like to talk that way about one of the most beautiful teen specimens that I've ever had an encounter with in real life...and not have that sound so 'out of place' to the people I love and care about the most. It's like being asked to run a race with heavy weights wrapped around my ankles. How can I ever hope to win? You know?
Sorry. I should be happy to have a boyfriend who's so perfect, so beautiful, in my life. So, who am I to complain? I just...I wish I could share this joy with somebody. Anybody. I have no idea what I'm going to tell my mom. I mean, I'm going to have to tell her something eventually, aren't I? But when? And how? Will it be next week? Next month? Next year? How long are Deme and I going to be a happy couple and hanging out together before she realizes that we're more than just friends? And what about Deme's dad? Is he going to be comfortable telling him what's going on between us? Should I wait for him to do it first? And will that pressure me to follow suit if he comes clean about us being together? Or...like...if I do it first, will that put pressure on Deme to come clean?
Ugh! This whole situation was much easier to deal with before 'other people' forced themselves into the equation!
I'm in love. I'm SO in love! I thought that was the hard part. Maybe I was wrong.
We got up from the table, and I washed the dishes for my mom while Sarah went back to her room to brag to her other friends about how she got to see Dimitry today, and how hot he was, and she could just DIE whenever he smiled at her or touched her or gave her a hug. I can totally understand that, but...I still feel like I'm at a disadvantage by not being able to ever utter those same joyous words out loud to anyone else. I don't know...it just sucks.
I was sulking for a bit in my room, laying back on my bed and staring blankly at the computer screensaver that I had on my laptop...and I found myself thinking back to the taste of him on my tongue. That sexy, slightly naughty, flavor of his hardness as it slid in and out of my mouth, and the silky texture of his uncut foreskin as I pushed my tongue inside of its protective sheath. Rubbery and tight...like sucking on the end of a deflated balloon. Hehehe, it was so cool. I've never wrapped my lips and tongue around another boy's penis before...but I think I like the way that his is, like...molded...or whatever. It's kind of hot!
It was only a few moments later that my phone began to ring, and I picked it up to see Deme's number on the screen. Immediately amped up, I answered him. "Deme?"
"Hello, Shane!" He said with a smile. "I wasn't sure that you were going to answer. But I was hoping."
"Not answer?" I said. "Hehehe, you don't ever have to worry about that. Trust me."
"Well, it is slightly late. I don't want to be rude." He told me, his super cute accent making everything that comes out of his mouth a total treasure in my mind.
"Dude, it's like nine O'Clock. That's not rude at all." I giggled. "What's up?"
He hesitated for a second, and then he said, "I miss you, Shane. That's not crazy is it?"
Omigod! I had to fight to keep from gasping to myself. "NO!!! That's not crazy at all!" Wow...I was so flattered that my overwhelming joy nearly caused me to drop the phone. "I...I miss you too. You have no idea."
"You do? Ok, good." He said, followed by a sigh of relief. "I was worried that I think about you too much. But I like being lost and wandering around in the 'topsy turvy' you speak about. I like that part. No other boy has made me feel this before, so...I apologize if this makes me sound addictive to you." He grinned. "I said that right? Addictive to you?"
"I get what you mean. So yes." I said, now wiggling so much that I didn't know which way to turn on my bed. I was literally squirming with infatuation at that particular moment of 'wow'. "I wish I could be there with you right now, Deme..."
"Me also..." He said, and my heart began to flood such a rush of adrenaline into my bloodstream that I feared the craving would take complete control of me and I'd end up sneaking out of the house to travel over there on my own. Just for a kiss. That's all I needed to sooth my most intense urges...a single kiss...from my baby. "Excuse me if I don't know what to say. I just wanted to hear your voice for a few minutes." He said.
"I know what you mean. I've been missing you since you left here today."
"Did you? Good. Then we will both be happier when we meet again. Heh..."
"Definitely..." I felt so awkward. So out of sorts when it came to addressing him directly. Soooooo much that I wanted to say, and no way to say it.
"OH! I forgot to tell..." He said, "My transcripts have come through and now I am able to go to your school, starting this week. So I am very excited about that."
"Hehehe! You're actually excited to go to school?" I asked.
"Very much, yes! I want to have some normality back in my life. A routine that can keep me sane."
Omigod, everything he says is so damn CUTE to me! "You're not going to run off with some other pretty boy once you start classes and stuff, are you?"
Deme laughed to himself. "A boy more pretty than my beautiful Shane? This is not possible." He said. "I will never feel about someone else the way I feel about you. You have my promise. You are my sunshine, and my rain. You give me life like no other boy ever has. It is a gift that I will cherish the rest of my days. You can be certain of that."
I have to admit to feeling a bit of a lump in the back of my throat when he said that. Especially the way that he said it. With a softer tone of voice, flirtatious and shy...with his Greek accent giving it that extra flair. It made me melt into my mattress instantly. "I...I love you too..." It was the only thing that I could come up with. Come on, you guys! He's a POET! How am I going to compete with that?
We shared a moment of silence together, and Deme spoke up first, saying, "The next time you visit...maybe I'll show you some of what's in my book. Where I write."
"Cool! I'd like that." I said.
"Yes, but...I am saying my other book. Or, possibly things that I wrote about...'you'. Understand?"
"Hehehe, is it going to be bad stuff?" I teased.
He paused briefly, and he said, "It is honest things. About how I feel. And...maybe about how I want to feel when you and me can be more...isolated. Isolated? That is the right word? Like...'alone'?" He asked, and I told him that I totally understood him...even thought I did so through a shaky voice. "I think about you so much, Shane. I think about us..." He hesitated again, but then continued, whispering, "I think about us making love together. And I think...I would like that. Very much."
Was Deme blushing now? It just...it sounded like he was blushing at that very moment. And it was the cutest thing ever.
"Did I say too much? Did you go away?" He asked, nervously.
"No. I'm here." I answered, probably even more nervous than he was at that moment. "I just...I mean...yeah. That sounds, you know...hot." Omigod, did I just say 'hot'? That is NOT what my brain was trying to say! I frowned up and closed my eyes tight as I mentally kicked myself for potentially sounding like a total creep. "What I meant was...I feel...like you feel. Like...it would be cool for you and me to...you know...do that."
Deme sounded as though he was wiggling on his end of the conversation as well. "Ok. This is cool." Then, after another long pause between us, he whispered, "If we can find the time and the space...maybe you will want to..." He took a deep breath, and asked, "...Want to make love to me?"
My heart was beating so hard that it hurt. "I would LOVE to make love to you." I said, my toes curling at the thought of it all. My erection now at full hardness from the mere mention of it.
"Yes, but...to me. You understand?"
"To you? Yeah, to you. Only you. Wait...we're talking about the same thing, right?"
"I'm talking about you...and me...ummm..." He paused again, trying to find the right words. "You do it to me. You understand? And I take it, and we both feel good." Then he seemed a bit frustrated with his attempt to convey his message in a way that didn't sound crass or inappropriate. "I'm sorry. Maybe I'm saying too much, but...when I think about you...this is how it always goes in my head. With you on top of me...and I get to look up at your eyes...kiss your lips...hold your hips...I feel like I want to be filled up by you. I want your life to be inside of me. It's my fantasy." He kind of chuckled a bit to relieve some of the tension that it took for him to tell me that, but there was something about the way he said it that let me know he was being sincere. And I think I knew what he was talking about, even though it was difficult to put it into words.
"So you mean...that I would, like...be on top of you, and...we would...?"
"Yes." He said. "Sometimes, I use my finger...but I imagine that it is you." He was so shaken by the admission of it. As though I was going to look at him any differently because of it...when nothing could have turned me on more than hearing him say that. "This is too much to tell you?" He asked.
"Not at all. I think...I would totally be into that. You know...the next time we're alone." I said.
"Okay. Good. I was worried."
"Don't be." I told him. The thought of him willingly giving me the opportunity to slide my hardness between the tight cleft of his golden cheeks and into his constricted hole was something that I always dreamed about, but never thought it would actually be possible. I didn't even consider the fact that this might have to be a conversation that I would have with my first boyfriend. Does everybody have to do this? I mean...figuring out which role we're going to play when we get...ummm...intimate with one another? "I think...I would do that to you. Or, ummm...I mean with you. If, like...if you wanted to. Only if it's ok with you, though."
"It's ok." Deme said with a smile. I can always tell when he's smiling. "I will be anxious to meet up with you again, Shane. It's all I think about. All day. I wish we could be together right now...so we can try the making of love. Hehehe!" Then he added, "I am so aroused right now."
"I know, right???" I giggled. "Me too! I feel like I'm going to have to jack off a hundred times just to get this thing to go down. Hehehe!"
"Not too much!" He laughed. "You have to save some for me to taste, later. That would be better."
"Better than your cooking?" I teased, and laughed as I heard him playfully gasp on the other end of the phone.
"You are SO rude, Shane! Hahaha! And my cooking is much better now! You know this!"
"Yeah, I know. But I have to take my little shots wherever I can get them, ya know?"
"CHEAP shots, yes! You don't play fair." He giggled. "But this is why I love you so much, Shane. Why I trust you. And why I want to be with you...forever."
Feeling a warm shiver wash over me, I replied, "I want to be with you too, Deme. Forever..."
And that's when we were able to share a brief silence with one another. Just a special moment that didn't really need to be spoken aloud for us to understand the communication that our hearts were currently having with one another. Amateurish in our expressions of love...it was still so pure. Honest and true. There was no argument to be made in that. If I closed my eyes...hearing his voice...it was as though he was sitting right next to me. And I loved that part of being so hopelessly infatuated with him. Was that he was here, even when he wasn't. And yet, it still wasn't enough. I wanted more. Curious about how deep a love like the one I was feeling could go if set free from the limitations of parents and society and whatever other bullshit the world decided to toss our way. What could our love be if none of the fear and ridicule mattered? What could it be if love was just love...and nobody else had a say in it?
Sometimes, I wonder...and often find myself disappointed by the lack of an answer.
I heard a voice in the background on his end of the phone call, and Deme answered back in his native language. Then he came back to me and said, "I'm sorry, Shane...but I have to go. I will give you a call tomorrow, k?"
"Ok. No problem." I said, trying to hide my sadness as I found myself having to say goodbye to him again for the second time today.
That's when Deme whispered, "I love you, Shane. My beautiful Shane."
"I love you too." I said.
"I will talk to you soon. You have my word."
"Sweet. I'll be waiting."
"Love you." He said.
"Love you." I replied. And then I heard the painful disconnect as he turned his phone off. It weighed heavily on my chest, but a new day is on the rise. And the next time we're seeing each other, eye to eye...we'll begin growing into the loving couple that we wanted to be. Deme's cute little dimpled ass and all. Hehehe!
Do I even know how to effectively pump myself into a tight hole like that? I've never humped anything other than my pillow. Maybe I should practice. I mean, it's not that I haven't spent hours worth of teen masturbation thinking about it. I just...I've never done it before. I WANT to! But...I don't want the boy that I love with my whole heart to be, like...my first sexual practice partner. Maybe I'm just scared of doing it wrong. Or...not as good as I want to do it. Who knows?
I just want my number one sweetheart to get what he needs and feel totally satisfied in the end. If Deme and I can bond on this 'next level' part of being together...I can't see us ever being apart. Not ever.
I take comfort in that.
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