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Waking up to my alarm was nothing short of amazing. I felt like a kid at Christmas, anxiously awaiting the moment when I'd get to run to the tree and unwrap my gifts. It was THAT bad...and maybe even a little bit worse. I kept waking up periodically throughout the night, my nerves playing tricks on my ability to sleep peacefully. And I'd be sure to open an eye to look at the clock to make sure that I didn't miss my chance to wake up a half hour earlier than usual. Usually, I'd see the digital display of my clock, to see that only twenty minutes had passed since the last time I spontaneously woke up to check. Hehehe, but I couldn't help but be excited. I'm surprised that I got any sleep at all. And when my alarm actually DID go off, I hopped out of bed so fast that I made myself dizzy and ha to stumble backwards to sit on the bed again before I lost my sense of balance.
Jesus...after all the love starved crushes that I entertained in high school, after all the 'puppy love' I experienced in Junior High, after all the supposedly educated feelings of infatuation that I've had in college...I've never known anything LIKE this before! It's like...I had absolutely no CONCEPT of what true love was until the moment that Dustin's sweet lips touched mine in the front seat of that car. This is what God truly intended. This is what I have been looking for my entire life. Something so unbelievably strong should seriously be used as a 'weapon' against everything that's wrong with the world. How could any man, woman, or child, stand against it? How?
I showered, I ate a small breakfast of cold cereal and milk, I dressed myself up, and I did all that I could to prepare myself for the moment when I got to look into Dustin's sweet blue eyes again from across a table. God....he's SO young! Why am I even doing this? Why am I wrapping myself up in this hellish fantasy, when I know that it could ruin and destroy the rest of my LIFE if word of this ever got out. To ANYBODY!!! My entire life would be over in an instant. Everything that I am would suddenly be masked by the word 'pervert', and 'pedophile', and 'rapist'. I wouldn't even be able to work as a janitor in a burger joint without an armada of deafening whispers pushing me back out into the street. The fact is, the media makes FUN of people like me! We get cornered, and tricked, and hustled...have our emotions played with and then get 'exposed' on Dateline and embarrassed in front of the planet before being hauled off to jail. We have cops pretending to be kids online, trying to 'trap' us and do something, ANYTHING, illegal, so they can wipe us out like some kind of social cancer. To them...I'm a menace. A threat. A fox in their precious henhouse.
But...they don't fucking know what it's LIKE to wake up to the morning sun and have this feeling inside! They don't know what it's like to have a boy like Dustin completely 'level' you with his eyes, and have his smile melt your heart in seconds, because you know that special smile was designed JUST for you. And no one else. They've never been in love with someone that they they KNOW they should avoid, maybe even RUN from...only to be sucked in further by the glory of their charm and grace. Dustin was, by far, the most incredible PERSON that I've ever known. Not just 'incredible for a 14 year old boy'...but incredible for ANY age! And he loves ME! Do you understand that? He loves....ME. And I wish some higher being could explain that to me, because I never expected it for a second. There's nothing like this feeling in existence. Dustin doesn't want anything more from me than the chance to love me. The opportunity to show me how much he cares about me, thinks about me, dreams about me...and the chance for me to do the same. You would think that a love that pure could ONLY exist in the mind of a child. But it doesn't. Because the moment Dustin brought his laughter into my life...that purity has touched me too. And I've been giving it right back to him as though I had never loved anyone before now.
Hell, who knows? Maybe I haven't.
I got in the car and made my way to the mall as fast as possible. I was five minutes later than I expected because of traffic...but I didn't think it would matter much. I was mistaken. When I got to the glass door entrance to the mall Dustin was already there, pacing back and forth nervously, wondering if I'd show up. Hahaha! It was so adorable how he could totally wrap me around his little finger one moment, with the utmost confidence that I wouldn't be able to deny him anything...and yet...he could still maintain this boyish sense of insecurity that worried every second that I'd somehow be 'bothered' by anything he could ever have to offer. The conflict between the two extremes, and his ability to easily navigate the fine line flawlessly on a daily basis...was more enchanting than you could ever imagine. He was a maestro at impressing the hell out of me, and he knew it. Even if he appeared to 'forget' how much I adored him from time to time.
"You waiting for me?" I asked, as I walked in the door.
And, without thinking, Dustin ran over to me with a big hearty grin, and he hugged me tight around the neck with both arms! It um...took me by surprise. Actually, I think it took us both by surprise. Dustin let me go, and stepped back with a slight shade of pink flooding his smooth cheeks, and he said, "I'm glad you came. I thought you forgot."
I told him, "Forgot??? Never. Besides, I was only five minutes late.
He said, "Five minutes is a long time to wait for somebody like you, Eric." There was this really sweet tremble in his voice when he said it, and he couldn't look me in the eye when the words left his mouth. Instead, he dug his toe into the tiles beneath his feet, and looked down at his awkwardly shaking hands. But the sentiment was overpowering, and it became hard for me to breathe...just seeing him bashfully express his feelings like that.
He didn't say anything else for a second or two, his little grin fading fast as he became uncomfortable with the silence. And I saved him from feeling emotionally 'clumsy' by smiling and saying, "So...you wanna go get that big oatmeal cookie, or what, cutie?"
It seemed to brighten him up right away, and the biggest, most ridiculously grateful, smile spread out on his face, and his teenage confidence began to blossom all over again from scratch. "Yeah! Ok!" He said, and we both paused for a second...until he got a serious look on his face, and leaned forward to clutch tightly to my arm. He hugged his face up against me for a moment, almost choked up at the idea of feeling soooo good inside, and even though it seemed risky in a public place, even though the mall was empty this time of morning...I kissed the top of his head, and gave him a loving squeeze. I heard the slightest whimper escape him while he held on to me for dear life, nearly cutting off the circulation in my arm, and then he let go so we could look somewhat 'normal' again. But just one look from him, and I knew he was even more in love than he was last night. His blue eyes examined me with such worship. It was almost frightening to hold such an important position in this boy's life...but with the way I was feeling at that moment...I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I just didn't want it to go away. Not ever.
We made our way down to Smitty's, and he half grumbled at us to be patient while he got his shop together before opening the gate. Normally, that would have been Dustin's cue to harass him even more with zombie noises and the sound of his hands pawing at the gate from the outside...but not today. Today he just kinda stared at me. As though he was looking for me to say something profound at that very moment. He stared at my eyes with a slight grin, and I giggled cheerfully as he fought the urge to collapse into me again for another hug. My GOD, could this boy be any more perfect? Could he have any more love to give? The very sparkle of him was explosive to every feel-good emotion I had, and he made a complete 'child' out of me from his very presence alone. I haven't felt so strongly for ANYONE before in my life. It actually made me realize that, without a doubt, Dustin was indeed my first love. Not just now, but ever. Wow....so much for Bobby Prescott in the sixth grade! He's been knocked down to second place. I'll be damned.
"If you're gonna just stand there, at least help me out by taking the chairs down." Smitty told us, still looking tired and grumpy. Hehehe, for someone who runs a coffee shop, he should actually get a dose of his own 'product' to help him wake up.
Dustin was still looking directly at me, and I had to give him a little push to get him to break his trance. He giggled a bit, and moved around to help me take the chairs down from the table tops. He seemed so thrilled to be there with me, and that made my heart beat even faster for him. Finally, he spoke again. "We should come an HOUR early next time!"
"Hahaha, Smitty's won't be open!"
"So?"
"The MALL won't be open."
"SO?" He smiled uncontrollably, using his hand to brush the long side of his blond hair back out of his eyes. "We can sit in your car and listen to music...or something. I'll bring cds."
"Hehehe, if you say so." I looked over his shoulder and told Smitty, "We're gonna get one of those big cookies today too Oatmeal."
"Whoopee..." He said sarcastically. "With that kinda big order, I might close up shop early today."
"You remembered the cookie." Dustin mumbled.
"I remembered you liked the cookie, yes." I said, and he stopped for a moment, his legs trembling, and I mouthed the words 'I love you'. His poor little heart couldn't take it. You would have thought that he had been physically knocked over, and he fell back into one of the chairs, and wiggled his cute little ass to the edge as he smiled dreamily to himself. Hehehe, geez! "I didn't know I had such an effect on you."
"Yes, you did." He grinned with a boyish whine. "Sighhh...you don't play fair."
"Just...stay there, k?" I said, and took down the rest of the chairs myself as Dustin tried to regain some kind of balance. Then I got our coffee and giant cookie from Smitty, and brought it back to the table, where Dustin sat slumped down in his chair, both of his eyes closed. "You ok?" His smile got wider, and he silently shook his head back and forth. "You're not ok?"
"Nope. I'm never gonna be ok again." Then he opened his eyes and asked me, "Are you ok?"
"Hehehe...nope. I'm just as fucked up as you are."
"Awesome." He whispered, and he managed to sit up as we brought our coffee cups together and toasted another incredible morning spent as a 'couple'. "You SO could have spent the night, you know?"
"Drop it." I told him, and we just winged it from there. Dustin began to get a bit more talkative as the caffeine took effect, his excited gestures and entertaining personality coming to life right before my eyes. He told me about movies he wanted to see, and songs he heard on the radio, and jokes he got on the internet...there was never a dull moment when I was around him. The energy was so contagious, and I found myself adopting so many of his phrases and mannerisms. The truth is, I admired him as much as I adored him.
I could literally just sit and listen to him talk for hours without saying much of anything. Not that he'd let me. If I was ever quiet for more than a minute or two, he'd say, "Am I talking too much? I'm sorry. You talk now." Hehehe, it was cute. His little insecurities kept him so adorably sweet. That morning proved that we could still be the best of friends, and that the...um...law-breaking SEX that we had last night didn't completely destroy what we had. If anything, it intensified it. I can only hope that it doesn't make us more 'visible'. Because at the end of the day, this is still fucking wrong....even if it feels so unimaginably right.
As the sounds of the mall opening up surrounded us, and our giant cookie was reduced to crumbs on our table...Dustin and I tried to force ourselves to wrap up our time together. A half hour goes by SO quickly when you're enjoying yourself. I hated to leave, but I didn't let it show too much. If Dustin saw even a hint of it in my eyes, I'd NEVER get him to go work. And I liked having my precious blond boy right across the hall where I could see him at any time throughout my day. So I stood up first, and he pouted about having to stop our conversation, but it only lasted a few seconds. "Bye Smitty! Thanks!" He waved, and Smitty couldn't help but be charmed by him, even if he didn't admit it.
The whole way down the hall, Dustin walked as close to me as possible without having us trip all over each other. He just wanted his shoulder to touch mine. That's all. And as we went up the escalator to the second floor, I let my hand move up the railing to gently cover his hand. He blushed immediately, and I was shocked to see the front of his pants begin to instantly tent out practically right in front of my face. He giggled and turned to 'adjust' it a bit, and angled it upwards so the head of it could be held down by the elastic of his boxers. He was a healthy boy, believe me. I had to make sure to watch how I touched him around other people. Hehehe, that thing isn't necessarily easy to hide when that hair-trigger erection gets into action.
As we finally got to our stores, I saw Jack lifting up the front gate so he could go in and start getting things ready for open. He saw me and Dustin walking towards him, shoulder to shoulder, the biggest love struck grins on our faces, and stopped for a moment. Dustin walked me right up to the gate and we shared another warm smile before he said, "Ok...I'll see you at lunch. DON'T go without me, ok?"
"I won't. Pinky swear."
"Better not." He giggled. "Ok...so, um...bye." He started backing away from us, a dreamy strut in his step. "Hi, Jack."
"Good morning, Dustin." Jack answered in a sing-songy voice, but his mind was obviously still wrapping itself around the concept of us being so...'close' today. I could just hear it in his tone. Dustin kept looking back at me, and waving until he had gotten all the way back to his store and went in to help his boss with opening duties as well. I didn't even realize that I was giggling to myself until I turned and saw Jack staring at me like I had grown a second head.
"What?"
"Dude, I don't even want to know." Jack said, lifting the gate the rest of the way.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked in frustration. I don't exactly know why, but a part of me took an instant offense to his comment. Some deep protective instinct that was daring him to say ONE wrong word about Dustin so I could lay him out right here.
"What are you guys doing?"
"We went to go get coffee. We ALWAYS come early and get coffee. So what's the big deal?"
"Alright, alright...calm down. I'm not 'attacking' you, Eric...I just...think it looks weird. That's all." Jack said as he turned on the store lights and the TVs.
"What? What looks weird about it?"
"Nothing. Look, forget I said it.."
"NO, what looks weird about it? You said we look 'weird', so...what's so damn 'weird' about us spending time together? We're FRIENDS, Jack. We're just having a good time."
"Doesn't Dustin have any friends his own age to have a good time with?"
"Maybe that's none of your fucking business."
"WHOAH...WAY out of left field, dude!!!" Jack gasped, surprised at my sudden aggression. It made me realize that I really was kinda snapping at him, and I might want to be a bit more discrete with that kinda thing.
"I'm sorry. I'm just...we're friends, ok?"
"Fine. Good. Friends. I get it." He said, and he apologized. "I didn't mean to sound like I was being a jerk, ok? I mean it. Forget it."
"Yeah. Forgotten. Totally." I said, and then, as I turned on the open sign, I took a peek back out into the hall, and saw Dustin peeking back at me. He smiled, and I tried not to smile back, but it happened before I had a chance to stop it.
Shit...how am I supposed to swallow the greatest feeling that I've ever known in my natural life for 8 hours a day? And for other people's benefit at that? Trying to make it all go away, denying every awesome accelerated heartbeat just so the people who think we look 'weird' together can be more comfortable.
You know, there was a time when I really used to hate myself for how I feel. But as time goes on...I'm learning more and more that I've really been directing that anger at the wrong person. I never once interfered with 'their' happiness...why is it soooo FUCKING hard for them to RESTRAIN themselves from interfering with mine?
My work day was somewhat painful that day to be totally honest. Either painfully restricted, or painfully pleasant. Both suffering and salvation. A torture and a temptation. I would literally walk around my tiny little store space, trying to busy myself with anything that would keep me from wanting to look across that hall and see the forbidden fruit that my mouth has been watering for from our very first kiss. Maybe even earlier. I fought the urge, and used every trick in the book to try to stop myself from wanting to just drink in his beauty and enjoy the rush of pure joy that it provided me. But...despite all of my efforts, my eyes would involuntarily flutter over towards his store. JUST to see what he was doing. Who he was talking to. Or maybe just to catch a glimpse of his radiant aura as it infected everything he touched. And once I saw the flash of golden blond locks as the swept across his soft cheek...my heart would be thrown into a state of instant confusion, and I'd almost have to hold on to something to keep from falling face down on the floor. That magic...that glorious magic. It was so out of reach at that moment. Trying to hold back from being head over heels for that boy was like trying to hold my breath underwater. How long could I possibly last without another dose of oxygen? How long could I pretend to not need it for my very survival? And much like oxygen...your sincere appreciation of it isn't truly realized until someone limits your access to it. In moments like those...it's all you can think about. And you begin to believe that it's all you ever really needed to begin with.
"Spacey much?" Jack asked me, and I found myself leaning up against a rack, staring across the hall at Dustin as he was putting away a basket full of cds. I don't even know how long I had been watching him. Could have been a minute, could have been ten. Time doesn't really exist in the same sense as it used to before he became a part of its influence.
I watched his delicately thin fingers reach in the basket again and again, taking the music and alphabetizing it by genre. Occasionally he'd try to take too many at once, and drop them after a cute little fumble or two. His blue eyes were turned down towards his task, the long side of his hair now long enough to hang slightly below the blushed beauty of his lush lips. So pink...sigh...his lips were so sweet and pink.
"Sorry. I'm just...not feeling like myself today." I said. "I think I need an energy drink or something from the newsstand down the hall. You want anything?"
"Nah. I'm good. You sure your little 'friend' over there is gonna let you go out there all by yourself?" Yeah...I know Jack was just harmlessly teasing me. But still, it got to me to know that he noticed. He noticed a change in me, a change in Dustin, a change in us together. And I HATED it! I just...I didn't want him to be able to peek into our garden of Eden. I didn't want him to bring his judgments and his concerns and his witty little comments into a world that Dustin and I built just for US. Nobody else...just us. Where we can be happy. Where we can be free. I just...I didn't need him there. I didn't need anybody.
"Very funny." I said softly, and just left before he could see how much it really bothered me. What was I gonna do? Tell him to stop mocking us? Tell him it hurts when he says things like that? If anything, that will only get his wheels spinning faster on what's going on between us. Does everybody see us like he does? Do they talk? Do they whisper? Are their eyes on us when we go to eat lunch together?
Ugh...why do I let these bother me so much?
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