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I spent all day Sunday in my room.

I checked my computer every hour on the hour to see if maybe Jesse-101 had posted something new! A video that was only a couple of seconds long would have probably caused me to dance on the ceiling! But I got no such offering. No mana from Heaven. None at all. No matter how many times I went back to his page to make sure, no matter how many times I refreshed the page. He was nowhere to be found. I guess it was my own fault for exhausting the whole stash in a day. But I couldn't help myself. He was SO damn addictive once you got involved in his life.

All it took was a smile, and a flick of his shiny blond hair...and he had instantly charmed me into a state of utter obsession.

I saw 'comments' being posted throughout the day on his YouTube account though. From other users saying that they loved his videos, and how thankful they were that he was able to make them laugh, and how his coming out story and advice on gay issues really helped them out when they were feeling alone. As well as many boys and girls alike saying, 'GAWD, you're HOT!!!' THOSE particular comments were littered everywhere. You could hardly scroll down a single page without seeing at least THREE of them. I don't blame them though. I'd be screaming the same compliment to him if I had the courage.

I have to admit that I was growing both impatient and jealous at the same time. All of these people got a chance to actually 'talk' to him. To connect. To express their feelings for him. And me? I was too scared to even rate a video annonymously. All I could think about was how stupid it was of me to go through his entire stash of videos in a single day instead of spacing them out a bit, and how I should kick myself until I was given more Jesse to watch later. I went back to watch some of my favorites for a second or even a third time. But...while I LOVED seeing his beautiful face, and ADORED hearing his angelic voice...the 'surprise' of seeing something new from him was gone. And I longed to just...be a part of his life again. It was like missing a piece of my own life, you know?

So I was just left waiting. Waiting until he decided to give me something else to watch. An update on his life. A smile. A wink. SOMETHING!

Sighhh...I was almost ashamed for falling so far into a pit of hopeless infatuation with someone who was hardly anything more than a caricature on my computer screen. But it was much too late to prevent it now. The excitement wouldn't die down. The fever wouldn't break. And just when I thought I had reached a point when I could let go of the idea of him...my inner 'alarm' would go off, and I'd have this insatiable urge to run back to my computer to check again. As if my sixth sense could somehow warn me whenever Jesse posted a brand new video.

Ugh...the wait was unbearable! Simply UNBEARABLE!!!

And for the next WEEK...I was disappointed one hundred times every single day by the fact that he didn't post a new entry. Even though I could see that he signed in to his account at least twice a day, according to the time signatures above. Wow...he was reading the comments and stuff. He was making friends with other online YouTubers. He was favoriting videos and just...being 'alive' somewhere that, to me, felt as though it might as well be on the moon. He was actually....interacting with people on an almost daily basis. And even though I was too damn shy to say anything to him personally...I was almost ANGRY that other people got to share a few minutes of his time with him and I didn't. I mean....I WANTED to say something, but really...what would I say? He's like...this big YouTube sensation and I'm just...'me'.

'Jesse-101' was lucky enough to have gotten featured a few times. He had over 1,000 subscribers to his videos, and the amount of times his videos had been played were, like....TEN TIMES that! He was practically a movie star as far as the average online YouTuber was concerned. And more people signed up to gawk at his gentle beauty every day. People who were probably...sighhh...better than me.

And then...one day when I checked back just for the hell of it, bracing myself for another disappointment...I saw it!

A BRAND NEW VIDEO!!!

Three minutes and twenty four seconds long! That's three and a half minutes that I get to spend with my...with my...

Ahem...I mean, with 'Jesse-101'.

I swiveled my desk chair into position directly in front of the screen, and found myself, like...smoothing out my hair and clothes. As if I had to actually look 'GOOD' for him or something. Stupid, right? But I was WAY too excited to care at that point!

As far as I was concerned, my baby was home.

I took a deep breath, a little shiver running through me, and then I clicked the button to start the video. With both him and his friend, Artie, on camera. It felt sooooo good to be engaged in his world again.

What's up, YouTubers? Hehehe, It's Jesse-101! I'm sorry that it's been a while. I had some major homework issues this week, so I've been busy. BUT...here I am, so, yeah...deal with it. Hehehe!"

Artie waved, but he never said anything in the videos. He just kinda smiled and giggled and silently backed Jesse up on his topics the entire time with his gestures and expressions alone. Like some kind of Marcel Marceau mime character mixed with a touch of Harpo Marx, I guess. But he was definitely a cutie too. Short spikey hair and bright blue eyes. An adorable sidekick for one of the most gorgeous boys online. I was really hoping that they weren't....you know...together. Oh God, PLEASE just let them be 'buddies'.

"Ok, so I have something on my mind, and I kinda wanna share it. So...you know...turn your speaker volume up, or whatever, because it's important."

I did as I was instructed, and began to lightly bite my nails in anticipation.

"So I was looking at a few gossip magazines and stuff recently, right...and I just wanted to ask you all a VERY important question today before I get into anything else. Is that cool? Because....hehehe...I just wanna know your opinion on this. So feel free to comment below and tell me what you think! Ok?"

I waited with baited breath, my knees bouncing anxiously as a giant smile spread across my face. God...I was SO goofy over him!

Ok...so are you guys ready?

I saw his best friend Artie giggle to himself and hide his face with his hands as Jesse asked the question.

"Ok, so...is it just ME? Or is Michael Jackson's oldest son, like...REALLY REALLY hot???"

I gasped a bit, and grinned as I heard him say it, Artie chuckling until his shoulders began to shake. Jesse gave him a playful shove and got closer to the camera.

"I'm SERIOUS! I keep staring at his pictures and stuff, right? And even though I don't wanna be creepy or anything, I can't help but think...'Wow! Like, he's really cute!' Okay, so maybe some people think it's too soon or whatever, but come on, I'm just being honest here! Prince Michael II is, like....a major hottie! Look at the fan video on the side link here! You can like, skip the first half, with all the baby pictures and stuff...but when you see what he looks like now...???"

Artie started to laugh out loud, and Jesse shoved him again, a playful giggle of his own being triggered by his 'accomplice'.

"Hehehe, pay him no mind! Listen, I know Prince Michael is still a year and a half younger than me...but he is SERIOUSLY 'datable', you know??? You've GOTTA look up pictures of him online and stuff! He's just plain sexy! I don't think he can help it! Hehehe, look, I KNOW it's a long shot...but, Prince Michael...if you're watching this...I want you to CALL me! Like...NOW! You're HOT! I WANT you! Ok? Hehehe! For REAL!"

Artie started pushing Jesse away from the camera and trying to cover his mouth before he said anything else incriminating. But Jesse only laughed it off and kept going.

"Oh yeah! And if Justin Bieber is watching...Artie is, like, head over heels in *LOVE* with you!!! TOTALLY! He has sexy pictures of you up on the inside of his closet so his dad won't see! Hehehe! He dreams about you confessing your love for him with your awesome voice EVERY night, I swear!!! He wants to totally DO you, dude! Just 'One Time', Justin!!! Just 'One Time'!!! Hahaha!"

At that, Artie seriously started to struggle and shove to shut him up, and that only made the video even funnier. Especially when they both fell on the floor, outside of the camera's sight and started cracking up while they were on the floor. Awww, Jesse and Artie always had SO much fun together. I wish I could be there with them. I wish I could share that smile, that laugh, that 'feel good' sensation. Put my hands on his body and give him a playful push or two. And have him do the same to me. As boyishly innocent as it was...the feelings inside of me were becoming sooo passionate for him that I actually found myself getting jealous of Artie being there with him.

I don't know why it ached so much al of a sudden...but...he was just someone that got to experience the beauty of someone I had grown to love on a whole other level that I just...couldn't reach. Not with all the heartfelt desire in the world.

"Ok, so this vlog turned out to just be some weirdness without much point at all! Hahaha! But maybe I'll make the next one even better. Who knows, it could happen right?"

I looked down at the little timing bar below the video, and was almost hurt to see it reaching the end.

"Oh yeah, and for those of you that emailed me and asked...YES, Artie actually CAN speak! Hehehe, in fact, he talks a LOT once you get him started! Don't you, Artie?"

Artie smiled, and shrugged his shoulders silently. And Jesse grabbed the top of his head and his chin to make his lips move, as he gave him a fake voice.

"Sure thing, Jesse! You're the hottest boy ever! You hear that YouTube? So you should subscribe and comment below!"

Then he added...

"And I REALLY want to spend an entire day licking Justin Bieber's balls for him..."

To which Artie turned DEEP red, and pushed Jesse's hands off of him before he made things even worse. They shared another giggle together, before Jesse signed off. Saying...

"See ya later, guys! And I'll post something else this weekend! Like...Sunday or something! K? Promise! Bye bye!"

And just like that....he was gone. A part of me felt my heart suddenly lose all of the enthusiasm it had for beating as hard as it was when he was talking in the video. And another big part of me was laid back in my chair, lost in a moment of pure bliss for being able to spend time with a boy who had strangely taken a center stage in my every fantasy as to what the perfect boyfriend would be. You know...if I had one.

I mean he was funny, and he was spontaneous, and he was soooooo very beautiful. The glow of his sweet blue eyes alone was enough to get me to wriggle helplessly in my chair before him. I can only imagine what they look like in person. They must be sooooo amazing. They must stop traffic whenever he walks down the street. Lord knows that I'd crash my mom's car if *I* saw him on the sidewalk.

Yeah...there were times that I felt silly, sure. I mean...this was a boy on the internet. That's not a real and accessible goal, is it? Despite what Lori said about him being close by, I don't really believe that, do I? I mean....even if he was close by, what are the chances that I'd ever run into him? What are the chances that he'd LIKE me if I did? And even, if by some cosmic MISTAKE, our paths were to cross and he actually was tricked or hypnotized into liking ANYTHING about me...I'd probably screw it all up by being a DOOFUS! I wouldn't know what to say to a boy like that. Not in a million years. He'd be better of with Artie.

God...I wonder if the fool around ever? Sighhhh...why does THAT make me jealous? The idea of Artie's young 13 year old body wrapped around Jesse as they worked to relieve some sexual tension with one another...man. How hot is that? And even though it turned me on...I almost felt as though I was being cheated on. These feelings are best left alone, without further description. It only makes me sound like more and more of a psycho as I go along.

So obsessively adored.

So painfully out of reach.

Not a good combination. Believe me.

The coming Monday morning, I got up and went to school as usual, trying hard to keep 'Jesse-101' from entering my thoughts. It had to just be a build up of hormones on my part. At the end of the day, I didn't REALLY know anything about him. I just FELT like I did through his videos. Hardly enough to build a healthy infatuation off of. Or...at least that's the excuse I kept giving my heart to stop beating so fast whenever he crossed my mind.

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