Date Posted:11:26:49 09/22/09 Tue Author:Yagami_Light Subject: Well In reply to:
kamwolf
's message, "Servitude chapter 1" on 23:07:26 09/21/09 Mon
It's not a bad idea for a story, but just some things I wanted to point out, for instance: "Oh No everyone I just got a message from my mother," One of the girls starts "The city is under attack the enemy set of a nerve gas and emps to take everything and everyone out."
Unless it's like, the Hundred Years War, I'd be more like, "OH MY GOD! G-GUYS! HOLYYYYYYYYYY @#*@ WE'RE @*$@ WE'RE 2#*@# WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
^ Okay not exactly like that, but you know, try to convey a little more emotion, because just reading it bland like that.. it's.. I don't get, nor do I feel, anything from it, at all.
So just work on that and it'll (the story) develop and flow even better.
