Date Posted:04:23:31 09/26/09 Sat Author: Mike Subject: Part 3 - God's Lost Child In reply to:
Mike
's message, "Hollow Life" on 16:35:50 09/25/09 Fri
God's lost child
After a few moments of darkness I felt terrible pain all over my body. Am I dead? Something had kept me still before I fell into the darkness and my body was now unable to move since that feeling anchored me to my bed. But the pain wasn't the worst thing. I felt the lack of something...something beautiful. Where is Xavier?! It was like the part of my soul was destroyed and only the pain and suffering remained. I couldn't open my eyes but I could tell he wasn't there. I didn't feel him. I lost everything! I failed to save him no matter how hard I tried. That broke my heart! I didn't want to live without him. If I was still alive. An unbearable pain rushed over my body as I tried to turn on the other side. Aw, bad idea! I agitated for a few more minutes then I managed to open my eyes. That was painful! As if I opened it for the very first time! At first I was blinded by a sharp, bright light and it took me almost thirty seconds to finally start seeing some dim shapes. As I tried to sit up I realized that I was alive. I heard a soft, familiar voice, but it was like shouting for my newly sensitive ears.
"Aw, my newborn baby finally woke up! Cool! Welcome, boy!"
Huh? I was a newborn baby fifteen years ago! As I regained consciousness I heard Vincent’s voice, he was sitting on my bed next to me. I didn't want to know what had happened in the last few hours, or days! Okaay, Vincent was alive, me too, but what about the others? The most important: Xavier?! I didn't feel like he was somewhere around me! My vision cleared and everything was so sharp and crisp! I tried to touch my wounds, but they had vanished! Alright, I need to talk to Vincent!
"Where is Xavier?" That was easier than I thought!
"He is gone! The most important thing now is what about you!"
"I'm fine! Where is he?!" I didn't know where I got the power from, but I was on him before I could realize it! I was fast and strong and grabbed his neck so tight that he gasped out for air!
"Ok, ok...chill out! You need to relax...he is dead!"
I fell down to the ground and cried out in pain! The only thing that kept me alive was to save him! But I failed! I could do nothing! And he is gone now...I wondered if I had something left to live for. His eyes, his smile, his sweet voice, his enchanting words...all of those are history now. His soul won't shine through my darkness anymore! I was hopeless. I hadn't feel such an emptiness ever before! It ate me up inside. True madness got control of my soul and I knew that nothing would be the same after loosing him. I must kill that son of a bitch who did this to us! But now I have to figure out what happened exactly!
It took a half an hour to get my thoughts together. I wanted to kill Vincent too, but I gathered enough power to stay calm, because he was the only one who had answers for me.
"Dude, get over it, we have a lot of things to do!" He told me.
Alright, I'll deal with him later!
"So, first of all I have many questions. Starting with what am I...a werewolf?"
"I don' think so, not exactly."
"Then what?"
"Umm...to be honest, I don't know!" I gave him a look and that was the first time when I saw fear in his eyes. "Look, I thought you were dead after the youknowwhat incident. You weren't, so I brought you here but you haven't been waking up for three months!"
"Three months?! Good! And then?" I said sarcastically.
"I thought it was a coma or something and I hoped that you would be alright, but you are awake now so it wasn't. A coma, I mean. Um...you are alive or...maybe dead...for that matter...which means that it might have been your crossover...I guess?!
"You are alive! Wow! And you are sooo awesome! I wasn't sure things like this would ever happen!"
"Crossover? Thing? Huh?"
"Yep, that's the vampire birth."
"Vampire?"
"Dude, use your imagination! That man, who bit you was a vampire!"
"Oh, sorry, I should have known about vampires! What about demons, ghosts, dwarves and fairies? Do they exist too?"
"I'm serious!"
"Alright, so am I a vampire?"
"Nope, not exactly!"
"Stop kidding me, ok?"
"Ok, don't be so jumpy, that's the first thing we have to figure out! They...no the...your awakening...so you can be a vampire...but I bit you too, so...I suppose you...can be a werewolf...too. I read many books about vampires and werewolves, but this thing never happened before."
I raised my eyebrow confused...I wanted new life, but not like this! And at what cost?!
"They? Who? My awakening?"
"Umm, yeeeah, your awakening...meant to be..." He didn't find the words, but I swore he knew exactly what he was talking about!
"Riiight..."
"Let me put it that way, I don't have a clue about what you are!"
Great! That's too much information for today! Can I go back to unconsciousness? That would be more comfortable for me now!
Let me see...no other creature born into this world like me before?! So, nobody can tell me what I am...and nobody can tell me what to do...unbelievable! So, what did I hear about those creatures?
"Do I have to suck blood or eat raw meat?"
"I don't know! As you feel!"
"Aaand...do I burn in sunshine?"
"I don't know!"
"What do you know?"
He went to the bookshelf and took some books with him. He was puzzled and so confused.
"These books are about vampires and werewolves. But I suggest you have to find out yourself because you must be the combination of those."
Right, then I had nothing more to do here! To do with Vincent! I was going to find something alone!
"Gimme those books!"
I put them into my backpack with my clothes and my personal piece of shit and left the room.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving!"
"No way, you can't go through this alone! I'm the only one who can help you! Vampires hate you because you're a werewolf and werewolves hate you too because you're a vampire! Not to mention humans!"
"Good, I hate them all!!"
"Hey, I'm your father, remember?!" But he couldn't sway my emotions and thoughts this time! I turned to him very angrily and looked deep into his eyes! I could think only about Xavier!
"Listen, you killed my love and you almost killed me too! As for my father...tell me if I'm wrong, but as much as I remember I have two fathers! You killed the other one! Don't expect me to show any forgiveness! Not like I love the other more than you! I hate you! And I swear if you cross my way I won't hesitate to tear you apart! I'm dead serious! Good luck, Vincent! Sorry, Father!"
He was speechless while I went downstairs, but I heard some very important words that caused my heart to stop!
"I missed to mention something about Xavier! I think you should know!"
The last time when the chance had been given to me to get answers I was too nervous to listen! But this time Xavier was all that mattered and I couldn't allow myself to be led by my madness. So I turned back to Vincent.
"After I brought you to the house I went back to check on Xavier! I wanted to leave him there with the vampire to burn in the sunlight. You know, I loved him back in the day just as you love him now. But I found nothing. That vampire is still alive I put my head on it! I know nothing about Xavier, maybe he buried him! Or feed some more!"
Ok, thank you! I keep that information for later! Now I have to find a place where nobody can find me and I have to figure out my abilities. Then I'll deal with that son of a bitch! It's just a question of days!
"You can't live without me! You'll come back!"
One despairing whisper reached my ears as I was about to open the front door. His voice had the tone that I had never heard from him before. Each one of his words was filled with sadness. I had wondered if he could feel anything. He had nice soul, unique and interesting concept of life, really enchanting thoughts but his heart was as cold as ice! But now I witnessed him breaking down. The words he had spoken a minute ago echoed in my ears like shouting, calling me to forgive him. I hated him for what he'd done to us, but I couldn't leave him there like this. I guess I came down too hard on him, not that he didn't
deserve it, but he was my best friend back in the day after all. I almost felt for him and I turned back to catch a string of tear rolling down on his cheek. He sat down on the stairs, not knowing that I was still there, and buried his face into his hands.
"Does it really mean anything?" I asked softly.
"Go already! Don't make it any harder!"
He wasn't the same savage kid I knew, who can enslave everyone around with his pure beauty and confidence. He was hopeless, crying like a baby who lost his mother in a mall. I put my back pack down and went back to sat next to him.
"Everything has its own purpose in this world, Logan."
I didn't understand but I doubt he wanted me to, because he told it more to himself than to me. There was a long pause in silence, wondering what to say. Then we found the silence more comfortable and suggestive, as though sitting there next to each other, both of us heartbroken, told us more than words could. After about ten minutes, what felt like an eternity in darkness, he attempted to speak but only a mumble left his mouth.
"I didn't mean to hurt you! I had my own purpose too."
I reached out to his chin and forced him softly to look me in the eye.
"I remember when you swore there is life worth living, love to be found and place called home. I saw it every time I looked into your eyes and I know we had it all, we were fearless to fly, but it's time to leave...I'm so sorry, I just...I can't forgive. That was a dream and pain is just too real now."
"I mess up everything from time to time."
My eyes watered up, my voice was getting shaky and I felt that heavy stone on my heart. "Don't think that I didn't wake up night after night with teary eyes." This was the first time when I saw deep emotions in his eyes, but they reflected mine and I knew he yielded to his faith and he was worried and sad about me not about himself.
"Could you promise me something?" He asked, still starring into my eyes.
"Anything!"
"Swallow your tears and release him from your heart! You can't crawl in the dark all eternity."
"I can. I want to. This had been my destiny before I born into darkness to be damned again and it seems to keep being the same. But I promise I'll try."
He released a sigh of relief, then curled up a weak smile and went down to the parlor. A few minutes later I heard loud goth metal music burst out full blast. What is he doing?! I went down, leaned against the opened door and watched him sitting in the armchair. The light of the full moon painted the room with its silver ray. He stared out through the window with shiny eyes, crooning softly the lyric. His blond locks gave him glimmering golden aura, his eyes had its glow too. I wondered if I could high tail it out without him noticing me, but the spectacle took my breath and kept me still. Hmmm, I guess the beast always has its own beauty. His shirt was unbuttoned down to the middle of his chest and his smooth skin cried out to me to
touch it. Arrrgh! Knock it off! But...aw...this beauty is kind of manna for the eye that kills you with its existence only!
Okaaay, if I'm not going now, my mind wouldn't escape, ever! I almost made it to the door, still on shaky legs from the breathtaking view, when I heard him calling out for me.
"Goin' already?" Sighhh, I turned back slowly, afraid to get a glimpse of him once more. He stood against the door with his legs and arms crossed. His curly blond hair hung down on his chest like waterfalls of gold, a few locks covered his face, but his bright blue eyes shined through it. I was speechless, breathless, blind and dumb, like a newborn baby who lays eyes on the rising sun for the very first time. Did he know how I felt? Of course, he did! What was that made me feel like this? I mean I'd been known him for months now, but I didn't feel like this before!
He started to walk to my direction. Now, that's where I couldn't escape! He stroked my hair out of my eyes ever so slowly and run his fingers down on my cheek. His touch was warm and soft, he leaned closer and whispered to my ears:
"I'll be yours forever! You just have to ask me." I'd never felt my eyelids so heavy, I couldn't keep them open.
"Sighhh...Vincent..." Those were all the words I managed to say. He looked deep into my eyes, into my spirit indeed, my heart was spinning around that crystal clear blue ocean. I almost saw Heaven beside him and was afraid to breathe to ruin the moment. He put one finger on my jaw and leaned over to place one sweet kiss on my lips. He left his mouth lingering there for a moment, and then backed away. His lips felt like ruby red velvet. I reached out to his hair and it buried my fingers like liquid silk. I kissed him softly while I put my free hand on his hip under his shirt. His skin was so soft and smooth, it almost melted from the warmth of my touch. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer. To feel his gorgeous and flawless body against mine raised my soul into an unbelievable height. He attached his tongue to mine in a way as tough the sensation of it only gave him back his innocence. The whole world seemed to vanish into thin air around us. Then I remembered...who owns my heart! I gave myself to Xavier forever and I didn't plan to disappoint him. One cold shiver ran through me when I realized that I just kissed the boy who had killed my love. No matter what Vincent meant to me back in the day, I couldn't forget his guilt! I broke our kiss and whispered to his ear:
"Just one kiss for my way...I forgive you, but won't forget!" I turned back slowly to the door to leave him behind.
"I can still feel the desire on you to kill me." He mumbled.
"I won't." I said with my back turned to him.
"Why?"
I looked him in the eyes, our conversation was almost above a whisper. "I just...killing you has no sense anymore. Both of us know what death means. I don't want to free you! I want to have my revenge on you! I take something with me that you won't get back, ever! And you know that!"
"I do. Forcing me to live my whole life with the pain that I betrayed and hurt the most precious and most loved persons in my life is your revenge. The lack I feel without you two won't give me any peace and I'll suffer till I get my judgment...it’s a well worth punishment!"
I didn't say a word, I didn't need to, he knew what was on my mind and he was right. I sadly lowered my head and headed over to the door ever so slowly to leave him behind forever. It seemed like I was hesitating but I was confident! We were just still connected, so I felt him. And it hurt, even though I hated him. He tried to tell himself that Xavier and I were gone, but he couldn't believe it, as if it was a nightmarish dream and hoped to be woken up. But he won't...sure, this is a well worth punishment!
I went to the cliff where I spent the first unforgettable moments with Xavier. My heart was broken! I felt his sweet kiss on my lips and heard his voice in my head. As if he was there with me. He was going to be there with me! The plan is: I find that vampire and 'talk' to him a bit. And then, if Xavier is dead I'll die too! I'll make it sure this time!
As I reached the cliff images came to my mind. Sweet memories from the time I spent there with my love. Those images were very real!
I sat there in silence for the next almost three hours. Then I found a cave. Hmm, I'm a half vampire, I can sunproof it and that would be the sweet home! Just for a while!
I was really hopeless in the next few days. My soul was shouting and screaming for release. But when I wasn't too busy with the memories of Xavier I felt my senses were so high and I was unnaturally fast! I read about vampire's extras, mental things, sleeping cycles, werewolf's fever, transformation...bla bla bla. Finally I got the courage to try them out!
I cut myself and my werewolf fever healed it instantly. Ok, so I don't need to hibernate myself to heal. That's good. I can stay awake in daytime! Let me guess, I can go out to sunlight...?! I tried...and my fever healed my wounds, so I didn't die, but it was very painful! The maximum time I could stay out in sunlight was a half an hour. When I stayed out more than an hour I needed one sleep cycle to get back to normal. Not to mention that it was a true horror! I was burning in hellfire but I managed to stay alive.
I felt everything around me! My eyes and ears were sensitive beyond belief! Images, thoughts, feelings crossed my mind from time to time without any possible origins. I almost went insane sometimes by trying to knock them off.
Two weeks had passed when I felt something is calling me to go back to Chicago. Those things that seemingly come out of
nowhere but you know for sure you have to follow their order. If not else, I had to find out what I am!
Two weeks spent in darkness made it really hard to be a part of society again. I headed over to the Chicago downtown. It was in the late afternoon hours, so walking in the street didn't caused me much of a pain. The city was completely different from my memories. The buildings, the parks, the lake was just more beautiful than I remember. Or I was completely different. You know, when I was human the looks of the city depended on my thoughts and my state of soul. When I was happy, everything was so bright and nice and I saw shiny happy people all around me. But when I was down, there were just darkness and pain. I saw the evil looking down on me from every window. Being vampire...or werewolf...or something in between changed my state of mind and soul in a way that I've never experienced. Life was more mental than physical.
In the first few hours I tried to shot down the voices in my head. The echoed cries and fears of humans almost drove me crazy. But as soon as I cleaned my head I found that my thoughts were more terrible. I put Xavier's memory in the pit of my soul where I can always reach it and I could just hope that he is not sharing the same hell with me. He deserves better, even if it means his death.
Then I looked at them...and what I saw had no meaning for me anymore! I just didn't fit. And to tell you the truth I didn't want to after what I had seen. I was getting to understand what losing humanity is all about. It doesn't mean killing people or living in darkness. It's about out of their society, their world. As I was walking there I didn't want to look at them, look into their eyes. They wouldn't understand me. Their values, manners, rules have no sense anymore. Feeling their thoughts, stealing images from their lives out of their minds...I wondered if I was the same once. They're selfish beyond belief. They act as they take care of someone, but the truth is I could only find guilt in their minds, dirty little secrets. The only thing that matters to them is their own benefit and so much material things. They have their power in money, and the most they have, the most they're loved. Society put an image into their minds about how to behave to be accepted and they are not able to find their own dreams, their individuality. They're too weak to fight against it and lost all of their wishes and the ability to reveal what's inside of them. I couldn't see true love, honor, sacrifice
for greater good in their lives, only lies, like masquaredes in a fancy dress party, the same faceless, fake smiles and cries all over the ballroom. They always rush to work, to home, busy to do tings as those are expected and meanwhile they forget what matters the most. Family, love, free will and they realize it when it's lost. But that's too late and they can only regret their blindness one minute before their death. If only I had the chance to tell Xavier how I loved him and how much he meant to me!
If this is the so called humanity, I don't want to get it back! When I found Xavier and Vincent I found something indescribable, beyond human values. Friendship, love, family, and we had nothing more but we were happier then ever before.
But somehow I was attached to humans. Maybe because I was one of them once. I like watching them from a safe distance, just don't look at me, ignore me and go away. I'm dead to you all. It was like walking three meters above the concrete, invisible to the human eye, and yet I was there.
I was lost in my feelings and when I woke up I found myself sitting on a rooftop. According to my abilities I could catch the sun on it's way down. It was getting under the horizon and the sunset made not just the sky but the whole city fire up. If only I had Xavier here besides me when the sky is burning, and had his soul shine through the tomb of my heart and light up this endless dark. I betrayed him in so many ways that I didn't expect him to forgive me, and I knew that that wound couldn't be healed. But his brightness won't fade away in my soul, I'll keep it till eternity just to be what it meant to be. A Flawless, untouchable beauty that embraces you with its shine and makes all the pain go away. A hand, that reaches out for you and wipes all of your poisoned tears out. A flame, that leads you in the raven black night with its eternal love. An altar of the garden of oblivion, where you can sacrifice your restless soul just to get it back innocent.
I wish I could share his pain and make it a little bearable...but he's holding hands with his Gods in peace and I'll be waiting here, dead to the world, for my destiny till I will be able to feel the warmth of his flame and will be given the chance to love him and blind him from all of cruelty and violence. Sigh, I'm so lost without him.
At that particular moment an image crossed my mind. One from my dream and it got its meaning now. I was running on the grass breathlessly with teary eyes, crying so hard that it hurt. Then it was like reaching my destination I collapsed to the ground with my hands opened up to the sky. What I felt...there's no word to describe it! Endless suffering, pain, helplessness, loneliness, like my soul was tortured beyond its limit where I couldn't handle it anymore and it fell apart, or teased apart.
Is that what loosing Xavier meant to me?! Is that how I feel without him? How many times do I have to die before I can finally have my soul rest in peace?!
A few minutes later my river of tears dried out and I was just staring out into nowhere.
Then I finally got enough power to stand up and go down to street level. The city at night was much comfortable than it was in the daytime. I felt like it was my playground. I went a few streets ahead when I saw a man standing against the wall. He was watching me until I was out of his sight. I could feel human's thoughts but I felt emptiness from him. I guess he was vampire or werewolf. He followed me for a few meters but I didn't pay any mind. That was weird! He caught up to me and said hello.
"Who are you?" I asked confused. I didn't want company, but somewhere deep inside I was happy to find somebody from my kind.
Or somebody hopefully close to my kind.
"I see you're lost."
He was determined and serious in his long leather coat, what made strange contrast with his platinum blond short hair.
"I'm not lost, just walking."
"Really, then...I don't think so! You're a newblood and I don't see any sire with you!" His voice was very familiar! I searched in my memories but found nothing that could tell me who he was.
"Could you just...leave me alone?"
"As you want! But if you need shelter you'll find one here. You'll need it, thrust me on this!"
He handed me a piece of paper with the address of a hidden sanctuary on it. Then he disappeared into the darkness. I'm sure he was a vampire, but how does he know about me? Sanctuary sounds cool! Whatever, I need a place and somebody who can teach me. This vampire-werewolf thing gets haywire on me! I hear voices, see images from people around me...and can't deal with them alone. But I'm just not able to go there with 'hi could you help me? I want to find out what I am...because I'm not a vampire...'! Aw, I have to try it at least! Keep my secret as long as I can and collect some information. Yeah, that could be the best choice!
