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I think it had only been a few days that had gone by before my emotions found themselves at the bursting point all over again. I tried to hold myself together, but it just wasn't possible. Being so close to Drew this past weekend had ignited this insatiable fire in me that was suddenly beginning to burn waaaayyy out of control. And...I mean....it was in a GOOD way, I think...but....arrrgh!!! Every second that I had to be 'close' to him and not sensually tangled up in his naked embrace was more of a torture than a temptation these days. On Monday, it made me giggle. On Tuesday, it made me tingle from head to toe. And now that it's Wednesday...I'm feeling just downright MISERABLE! I actually tried to stand close enough behind him today when we left biology class to smell his hair! How psychotic is that??? The feelings I had for him began to itch, and squirm, and wiggle, and ACHE, inside of me as I looked upon those pouty pink lips and tried to hold myself back from kissing them hard! Shoving my tongue hungrily in between them.
Funny...I never thought this feeling would get WORSE once we had satisfied out sexual curiosity. But it had.
BIG time!
As Drew and I walked down the hall together, this really weird silence had fallen over us, and when Drew saw the nervous and restrained look on my face, he smiled and turned sooooo red in the face. Omigod...it was so ADORABLE that I literally whined out loud and had to stop walking and lean against a locker just to keep myself from falling over. I put my bag in front of my growing tent, and closed my eyes as I tried to mentally force my boner to go away before it got me into trouble.
And it wasn't...WORKING!!! Arrghhhh!!!
"Hehehe...Ethan..." He said, in the cutest way imaginable! "...Are you....are you alright?"
"I'm....I'm...." I was soooo embarrassed at that moment, but I just couldn't MOVE. I could smile, I could sigh, I could even wiggle my toes if I concentrated hard enough. But moving from that very spot was not an option. I just felt too...'ticklish' about it. Like....if I moved an arm or a leg, the sensation would send me into a ferocious fit of giggles that would NEVER stop until I ran out of oxygen and fell dead right there on the spot! And while that might sound like a terribly dangerous situation...I don't think I could have been happier to experience it then I was at that moment.
"Hehehe, what are you doing?" Drew asked in a playful whisper, looking over both shoulders.
"Drew...?" Oh please, oh PLEASE, let the next few words come out right. "...Can we...can get together again soon? This weekend? Or tomorrow? Or...like...today? Like....now...?" Close enough.
The cutest flurry of boyish giggles left Drew's candy sweet lips, and I got so weak in the knees that I nearly slid down the locker and right to the floor. "Ethan...."
"You have the most amazing laugh. You know that?" I said, opening my eyes just to star at the tiles in the high school ceiling.
"STOP!" He gave me a shove, and the second I moved, the wiggles in my stomach almost caused me to collapse. I was fully hard. So hard that it HURT! And I felt a physical level of confusion that rivaled anything that I had ever known...as my poor mixed up body tried to understand why it couldn't just reach out and grab what it wanted more than anything in the WORLD at that moment.
I know that other kids were passing us in the hallway. I Know that they'd probably be able to hear me if they were listening closely enough. But I couldn't hold the emotion back for another second. My face wrinkled up slightly with the most overwhelming wave of heartfelt sappiness, and with a sigh...I told him..."God, Drew...I love you so much it, like...hurts." And at that moment, as if the breath used to make that confession was the only thing keeping me standing...I slid my back down against the lockers, and found myself sitting on the hallway floor. A dreamy haze blocking out everything but Drew's beauty from my infatuated eyes. Hehehe....wow....I can 'feel' it. I can really 'feel' it. Scurrying around underneath the surface of my skin like an invasion of wildly smitten termites in a block of wood. When does it stop? When does the love stop feeling better and better. I need to know. Because right now...it's kinda hard to breathe.
Drew, being the angel that he is, leaned up against the locker next to the one I was seated at, and slid down to sit next to me on the floor. "Sighhh...you really know how to get to me. You know that?" He whispered, almost with a sniffle. We looked at each other, and a bashful grin appeared on both of our faces. "The last few days have been...um...hard." He giggled.
"Yeah. Me too."
"But, I mean...it's not like we can't...do it again some time. Right?"
"When?" I said breathlessly, and he gave me a playful nudge in the side. "Sorry, hehehe..."
He looked up at some of the passing students who walked past us and gave us a confused look. Sometimes followed up by one of amusement or just a 'dirty' look altogether. But I really didn't give a shit. And I used my knee to tap Drew once I saw his face droop slightly from the negative attention. "Ethan...we should probably get up and..."
"When can we be together again?" I blurted out, taking his mind off of the...'others'.
"I...I don't know...I just..."
"We've GOTTA do it soon!" I said, and his eyes widened considerably. "GET TOGETHER, I mean! Pervert! Hehehe!" I laughed, and he chuckled nervously at the idea. "Actually...I meant both! Hehehe! But I just...I need you, Drew. This feels so...ugh...I feel so STUPID right now!" The frustration of being so close and no closer...it was KILLING me! I felt like I would DIE if I didn't kiss those lips. Just once. I needed it. "But....I LOVE it! God...I just...I love it." I felt a rush of emotion barrel its way from my head down to my heart, sparking up every 'happy' endorphin on the way down. "Wow...there it goes again. That's so cool..." I whispered, staring off into space.
"Get to class, get to class, get to class..." Mumbled a teacher as he walked past us. He barely looked at us, nor did he slow his pace to make sure that we actually did what he asked us to do. Hehehe, but Drew started to get up anyway.
"Awww...relax for a little bit longer. Like...two minutes!" I pleaded.
But he just giggled. "Well, I'm not gonna be able to work out much of a plan if I'm grounded for being late, now am I?"
I had to make sure that my erection was down enough to stand without flashing the cheerleaders at the end of the hall. And then I worked to get back on my feet. Too bad. I could have snuggled up with my baby right there on the floor and been much happier.
Drew struggled to keep from touching me. His hands dangled awkwardly at his sides, his fingers practically tying themselves in knots with the need to make physical contact. "Hehehe...um...soooo..." He started, turning pink again. I swear, he had a different blush for every bashful emotion he had. I was almost beginning to tell them apart. Rose when he was super nervous. Bright pink when he was flattered. Red when he was feeling insecure or embarrassed. And crimson when he was thinking of something...'naughty'. Hehehe! Gosh...it was beautiful. "...Ethan...you're staring." He said.
"I know." I grinned, and it made him giggle a bit more. Wow...a combination of bright pink and red. Nice!
"Umm...I'll see if maybe..." He started, now turning a sweet shade of 'naughty'. "...If maybe...I can do something this week. Is that ok?" He asked sheepishly.
"Sighhh....yeah." I said, making him give me a little push for being mushy. "You wanna go to you mom's again?"
"We can't keep going to my mom's house. She's gonna know something's up."
"She already knows that something's up. We could sneak in maybe? While she's at work?"
Drew flashed me a surprised look. "NO! Hehehe, stop being weird! You're gonna get me into major trouble!"
I almost wanted to slide back down to the floor, but the bell rang, and we were still in the halls. "Uhhh, well, whatever you come up with...I'm sure it'll be awesome." I told him, and he started to back away from me as he worried about getting to his next class on time. Wow...you know...his eyes sparkle so pretty when he's trying to hold back a smile. It's breathtaking.
"I'll try really hard, k? I promise." He said.
"K..."
"See you at lunch?"
He wants to see me at lunch. Mmmmm...perfection. "K..." I repeated, hoping to get my vocabulary back once his beauty was out of sight.
"K..." He said, mocking me with a grin. And I snickered a bit at my own goofiness as he went around the corner, giving me a little wave before disappearing completely. And to think...that's my boyfriend. Wow...
Another pointless school period passed me by unnoticed. I doubt that anything short of it raining fire from the sky could even attempt to catch my attention at this point. Is it obsessive to be this far in love? And so FAST? I probably should have slowed down long enough to think about what I was getting myself into. I mean...having a BOYFRIEND isn't necessarily something I can just sweep under the rug and pretend it isn't there. I have friends...well HAD friends. How am I gonna hide my dreamy infatuation with the greatest boy on Earth from them? How long before I run out of excuses as to why I can't hang out with them on the weekends? How long before they realize that he's become the number one thing in my whole damn life? How do I hide a boyfriend from the other kids in our class? How do I hide it from my parents? How long before THEY start asking questions about the boy that I'm talking to on the phone for hours and hours at a time? Yeah...all of that was running through my mind at once. Making this whole thing a frightening issue that I wasn't quite sure that I was ready to deal with.
And yet...
That fear didn't slow me down at all. In fact, it was about as much of a distraction as a bug hitting the windshield of a supersonic car. None of it mattered. Not when stacked up against Drew's kiss. His touch. His taste. Committing my somewhat 'normal' life to the whole idea of being different in the public eye was scary, sure. VERY scary! But instead of that inner alarm, that hostile warning of danger, forcing me to turn back and retreat from Drew's love...it guided me forward. With an exciting level of curiosity, no less. Pushing me. Compelling me. It was the first of many drops on a lightning fast rollercoaster...where the fear of the freefall gave me more thrills than reasons to back away from the experience.
It made me feel good...to know that this particular feeling was tailor made JUST for me...by someone I love more than sunshine.
As I walked towards my classroom, my feet practically gliding on air, I saw Wayne Scott walking in the other direction. He gave me a bit of a dirty look, which I kinda expected, I guess. But I felt too damn good to let him get to me today. In fact, even though he was going to walk right past me without saying a single word...I felt the urge to tell him something. "Hey, Wayne?"
He turned around and wrinkled up his forehead a bit. "What do you want NOW?"
"I just..." He seemed almost worried that I was going to make the terms of our 'deal' even worse than before. "...I just wanted to say thank you. Ok? For what you did on Friday." He gave me a crazy look. "It meant a lot to him. You know?"
He paused for a second, and I ALMOST thought that I had made some kind of connection that would get him to have a change of heart. But he just frowned up and sucked his teeth. "Whatever, 'hot dog boy'..." And he turned around and left.
Okaaaaay, so much for a change of heart. I guess I made him change his BEHAVIOR, and that's enough for right now. Maybe he'll have a big evolutionary jump in intelligence by the time graduation rolls around. Hehehe....or not.
By the time lunch had rolled around, my heart was almost exhausted from beating so heart in anticipation. It certainly didn't take much to turn me into a hyperactive toddler these days, did it? I should have thought about taking a different route to go out the side door and meet Drew by the back gate...but when I went down the regular path past the lunchroom...what I saw nearly caused me to faint right then and there!
Drew was standing by the lunch line...and Joey and Billy were talking to him! Like...TALKING to him! I think it was the first time that I wanted to put the breaks on this whole 'boyfriend' issue all day!
I approached with caution, not knowing WHAT to expect! What the fuck are they TALKING to him about??? They're smiling! WHY are they smiling? Did he tell them? Is he as good at hiding his...'gay love-ness' as I am? What if they figure him out? What if they figure US out? Omigod...all that brave talk about not caring whether or not I was seen as different...and the first run in with my best friends and my boyfriend, I freak out. Arrrgh! Calm down Ethan. Calm down. They're probably just...well...maybe they're just...UGH!!! What the fuck??? They don't even fucking KNOW each other! What else could it POSSIBLY be? Jermaine's totally spying on me! And now he's got Billy and Joey to help him!
I didn't know whether to be angry, or try to just be subtle and sneaky about getting Drew the hell away from them...or if I should just be terrified of having my whole life exposed beyond my control! When I walked up, I tried to play the unknowing idiot to start. At least until I find out what's going on.
"Hey, guys. What's up?" I said, and Billy and Joey looked over at me as though nothing was wrong.
Drew lit up immediately. "Hi, Ethan." He said, trying to hold back his sigh. As though his gentle blush and sparkling eyes wouldn't give his true feelings away in an instant. "Oh...Billy and Joey were just saying that it might be cool if I came down to eat lunch with you every now and then. You know...with everybody. Cool, huh?"
"Maybe..." I said, eyeing my 'friends' awfully hard. "So who's idea was this?"
Joey clammed up instantly, and Billy gave me a weird look. "Dude, what's the crazy eyes all about?"
"I just wanna know who's idea it was for Drew to hang out with us, that's all."
Billy replied, "Uhhhh...if I remember correctly, it was YOURS, doofus." They both gave me such a weird look, and Drew's defenses went up a little, as he tried to figure out whether or not their friendliness was sincere. "Ethan, what's going on with you? You're being a spaz, right now."
"I'm not being a spaz, just because I'm asking you a question, Billy..."
"Yes, you are. First you stop hanging out with us completely, and now you're acting like we're trying to slip a dose of poison in somebody's lunchables." He protested, but just as I was about to say something else...Jermaine walked up to us. He looked at me, then looked over at Drew. Then back at me again. His face was...I don't know...it had this look of 'whatever' on it, you know? And without so much as a roll of his eyes..he was like, "C'mon you guys. Let's go. He's not interested anymore." And he walked into the cafeteria to get his lunch. Both Billy and Joey looked at me with confusion in their eyes...like they had NO idea what the hell was going on. And then they followed Jermaine inside, looking back at me over their shoulder. I mean...I can't say that they knew what they were doing, asking Drew to join us for lunch. But I can't say that they DIDN'T know either! I mean...don't think I'm paranoid just because they suddenly 'decided' to be nice to the school 'gay boy' after Jermaine and I had that fight on the basketball court last week. I KNOW what he's up to, and it's none of his damn BUSINESS whether Drew and I are more than just friends! He should have left it alone. If I wanted him to know that I was gay, I would have TOLD him! So why push the issue? Huh? Why try to FORCE me to confess? Just leave me alone! I'm HAPPY...why does anything else matter? Including the reason why?
Drew gave me such a pitiful look, that I almost felt guilty for breaking up his golden opportunity to hang with me and my friends. I think the idea of it really made him feel...like...'cool'. He lowered his eyes for a moment, and then he mumbled, "So...they didn't really want me to sit and eat lunch with them? Like they said?" Omigod...the sadness in his tone of voice was HEARTBREAKING!
"Awww, dude...no, that's not it. Me and Jermaine are just....sighhhh...we're going through some things. That's all." I said. "I don't think Joey and Billy even knew about it. So...it wasn't you. Promise. Ok?" It took a second comment to get him to lift his chin a bit. "OK?" I said again. And he looked up at me, a little bit of 'shine' returning to his bright eyes. "I'm sorry, k? It's a...it's just a bit of weirdness between us. Nothing to worry about, k?"
The tiniest, most adorable smile appeared on his candy sweet lips. It was almost invisible physically....but the charm and appeal of it spoke volumes. And WOW....was it ever contagious! "K...if you say so, Ethan." He said, and my grin made his smile widen until he was almost giggling to himself.
"So...you ready to go to the park?" I asked. "I didn't wanna share you with anybody else today anyway."
He blushed instantly, and said, "Um...yeah. Ok. Wait, I need a soda or something, and then...sighhh...then we can go. K?" I nodded, and he gave me a bashful smirk as he walked over to the coke machine to get something to drink. My eyes roamed all over his delicate body...so slim and fragile and tender from the inside out. Staring at him always made me feel all 'gooey' inside. You couldn't lay your eyes upon him without wanting to snuggle him up tight in your arms like a child does his favorite teddy bear. There was something so amazing, so warm, about his very presence in my life. A vulnerability that made you want to protect him and all his frail beauty at all costs. It was such an emotional rush...allowing myself to feel all the little things I felt for him. Totally different from agonizing over him in secret. He almost made everything else seem so secondary. And there's a certain level of tranquility in knowing that someone can make you feel that way...the rest of the world be damned.
As we walked out to the park, I could hardly take my eyes off of him. Sighhh...if I concentrated on those lips any more, I feared that I, myself, would have vanished out of existence. Loving him was just....involuntary at this point.
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