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Everything seemed so bright. I had almost forgotten how the world looked when it wasn't obscurred by darkness and shadow. How beautiful everything was when it wasn't illuminated by the constant hum of 'artificial' light. I found myself walking down a familiar hallway, surrounded by a variety of other kids my age. My old high school. I could never forget the iron lockers on either side of me, locking me into this juvenile prison, stealing little bits of my life and spirit seven hours at a time, five days a week. As I walked forward, everything seemed to be slightly slowed down. Almost as if I was wading through a deep puddle of mud. And the looks I got from the other students...I remembered them well. Nothing had changed. Those cold eyes could truly devour you whole if you gave them the attention they asked you for. As if you weren't insecure enough, with your feelings, with your body, with your place in the world...but you have their judging eyes to perform for as well. An entire society of kids, supposedly just like you, who seem to have it all figured out. Who know what they want to do, know what they want to be. They knew how to talk to people, and have fun, and impress parents, and get good grades, and be popular. All the things I couldn't do. All the things I couldn't be. I remember how often it felt like the walls were closing in on me, pressuring me to find way out. ANY way out. And I remember how often my prayers were denied, my insecurities confirmed. No....this was one place I didn't miss at all.
I continued forward, trying not to hold eye contact with anyone else for too long. I heard whispers and giggles coming from both sides of the hall. A few girls looking at me with a grin. Were they making fun of me? Was it even me they were talking about? I felt someone bump my shoulder and tell me to watch where I was going. A few others took a moment to frown their face up, or blurt out a simple, "Geek!" Before walking past.
"Watch it, dork!"
"Omigod, look at what this kid's wearing? Who dressed YOU this morning, mama's boy?"
"Hey, isn't that Justin from gym class? He can't play baseball to save his life! God, he sucks!"
"He's probably a queer, anyway? I've never seen him with a girl before, have you?"
Maybe it was just a matter of me being lost in the dream, but those same childish comments seemed to cause me just as much pain as they did before. And all at once, I found myself ashamed. In darkness, I'm revered as a messiah. The chosen one, here to bring wisdom, and knowledge, and awareness. A golden child with the fear and respect reserved for a god. And yet...returning here, I was just some loser that they could use as target practice for random insults and shoves in the hallway. How could I allow them to still hurt me? Why should I even care? I didn't need their approval. Not anymore. I'm better than ALL of them! And yet...the fact that it still wasn't enough to impress them...made it hurt even worse than it ever did before.
Moving through the halls further, I noticed something hanging suspended in mid air. Small white dots...spitballs. Hovering weightlessly as I moved towards them. There were literally hundreds of them, and I had to put my hand up to gently push them away from my face. My palms could feel their wet and sticky surface as they slowly floated away from my motions. Everything slowed down even further, as the faces of the students around me lit up with laughter. Twisted, off tune, laughter. Fingers pointing at me. Teachers shaking their heads in disappointment. And then...I heard the sound of a loud crash coming from the classroom ahead of me. Followed by the shouting of other kids, chanting as though they were starting violent revolution in the streets. The noises continued, the crashes got louder as I approached, and then...they stopped.
Just....stopped.
I wanted to see what was going on. I wanted to know what happened. But I was moving in slow motion. I couldn't get there fast enough. And suddenly, I saw a rather large male teacher dragging a young boy out of the room...and that boy...was me. The teacher scolded him, grabbed him brutally by the arm, and started the long march to the principal's office. However, as they crossed my path, the teacher didn't notice me standing there at all. But my twin did. It was like looking into the jagged shards of a broken mirror...barely recognizing my own reflection in his devious eyes. He had bruises on his face, blood on his hands and a splash of blood on his cheek, some of it smeared on his lips. And when he passed me, his eyes locking onto mine with an intimidting stare....he smiled fiendishly in my direction. And with a look of pure satisfaction for the violence he had just been a part of...he lewdly licked the blood off of his lips, and gave me a wink.
I turned slightly to see the teacher drag me around the corner, and then crept ever closer to the room in front of me. I reached it at last, and opened the door, peeking inside. It didn't look like a classroom at all. Instead, on the other side of that door, I saw a barren wasteland, stretching out as far as the eye could see. The sky was red and black, swirled together with clouds the color of a freshly lit fire. The ground was dry, cracking and splitting itself into squares of useless Earth. A heated, but gentle, wind blew across the terrain, and when I looked down, all I could see was destruction. Dead bodies, covered with blood. Ripped to pieces. Gutted. Broken beyond shape or form. It was as if the whole world had been slaughtered...and I was responsible.
But...far off in the distance...too far me to see with anything more than my senses...was a 'light'. No, wait...that's not right. It was more like an anti-light. A vortex of darkness, swirling wildly in a storm of anger and pain. It was pulling on everything around it, drowning it in sorrow. Sucking it into its turbulent center like a bottomless whirpool. I could almost feel the emotional outburst from where I was standing, and it gave me a shiver. Endless cold. Unimaginable fury. How could one soul possess so much hatred? And how is it...that I can find so much of myself in its hypnotic effect?
I was almost drawn to it. It was more than curiousity. It was as if....it understood a part of me that I couldn't understand myself. As if it were calling out for me to connect with its level of darkness, and become one with its unrestricted power. But....just as I noticed that darkness in the distance....it seemed to take notice of me as well. In fact, I could feel it searching for me. Shining a spiritual searchlight in an attempt to locate me. Whatever this entity was, it had become aware of my presence...and it was mentally reaching out to hunt me down. It was just as intrigued by my light as I was by its darkness...and I backed away as I found its persuing eyes getting ever closer to landing upon me and my newfound family in the lot. How did it know I was here? How did....'he' come to find out about me?
He was tracking me somehow. Something I did....one of my many visible actions in this world...it left a mark. A signature. Comicality told me that every act committed left behind a piece of the person who did it, and this other entity was using it to find me. Rage....he was watching. Waiting. I had somehow alerted him to my existence, and now he was seeking me out. I can't let him find me. I can't let him hurt my friends.
I could feel that spotlight getting closer, and I backed up even more. Hoping to find a way out of this dream before he was able to pinpoint me. I had to move. I had to stay hidden. The darkness was spreading, and the clouds above swirled up into a building storm, as my own unchecked emotions began to prepare to fight this new threat at all costs. This was no time to be cocky...I needed to be SMART! I needed to 'hide'! But the storm wouldn't listen. It was angrily growing in size, flashing bolts of lightning and earth rattling thunder sending out a challenge to Rage and anyone else who dared to harm me or any my companions. Rage locked onto the storm, feeling the pain, the regret, the humiliation...and I wondered....if he could see me. Could he sense my agony? My conflict? I think he did. nd he was drawn to it instantly.
As I looked ahead, I saw myself standing on the edge of deep cliff...the same boy from the hallway. My other side. My growing anger, personified in the loss of my self control. He looked over his shoulder at me, fangs beared, eyes glowing crimson, staring through me. His stoic expression was void of any feeling whatsoever. An empty abyss of madness. And he wanted Rage to come. He was practically calling out to him. Wanting to hurt him. To murder him. To accept his desire to try and take our love from us. It couldn't have been 'me'. It couldn't have been. It was so dark, so merciless. It was the vision of a boy who had been picked on and abused, stressed out and beaten, ashamed nd confused. He was a boy pushed beyond his limits until there was simply no soul left for him to defend. It was a part of me that I had been fighting to get away from my whole life. A part of me that I was willing to KILL myself over, just to prevent him from ever reaching the surfce! Maybe it was the real me. And maybe....it was his time to take over for a while.
My mind seemed to fill itself with the sound of tribal drums as I watched my other half stare out over the wasteland and await Rage's call. This had to stop. This CAN'T happen! What am I doing? I backed up some more, hoping that I could control the swirling clouds above me for just a little bit longer! I called out to my other self, but he wouldn't listen. He wouldn't even acknowledge me anymore. He was a warrior. A god. Who was I to influence his divine will? I fought HARD to get my emotions under control, closing my eyes tight and reminding myself that it was all just a dream. Calm down....calm down...be smart, Justin....be smart. It was then that I took one more step backwards, nd bumped into something behind me. It scared the shit out of me at first, and I spun around to see what it was! And the Beast stood before me, towering over my young frame, eyes glowing red and ready to force my hand and push me towards creating another bloodbath. The second our eyes connected, it roared outloud, causing my body to be blown back off of my feet and down onto the field of corpses beneath me! The whole world shook, and I saw a demonic wingspan spread out as the creature took hold and claimed this domain as its own!
My eyes shot open with a gasp! And I took a deep breath, almost choking as I sat up in bed, holding my chest while I tried to keep my heart from beating so fast. I huffed, puffed, and panted...a sheen of ice cold sweat covering my bare chest. It took me minute to rub the last remaining dream images out of my eyes, hoping to focus and quickly adjust to reality again. What kind of sickness did that temper tantrum bring out of me? It was like...every hurtful emotion that I ever had was suddenly...taking on a mind of its own. And it kept feeling better and better everytime I experienced the raw energy within its ice cold grip. Why? I'm not usually like this. This isn't me. It just....it can't be me.
My first instinct, once I was able to catch my breath, was to look over beside me, and touch the lump under the covers. I pulled back the blanket to see Taryn's raggedy flop of reddish brown locks come into view, his pale lips spread gently as he continued to slumber on until his regular time after sunset. I stared at his beauty, so amazed that he was still here beside me. So relieved that he was alright. I slinked back down in the bed, and looked to see the scars on his neck were gone. His body was still cold and stiff, but it was a small discomfort to bear when I found myself snuggling up to him and running my fingers through the softness of his hair. I leaned forward, and kissed his lips tenderly, smiling as though tasting them for the first time. And I felt a tear dribble down to my pillow as I traced a finger across the flawless skin of his cheek. I don't know how long I lay there, worshipping the well crafted artwork of his every delicate feature...but I was instantly excited when I felt traces of his warmth returning back to him. His body began to soften and loosen up like warm butter in my arms, and when he stretched his arms above his head, I was right there to slip under them and place a lover's kiss on his kissably pink lips.
"Hehehe! Well, good evening to you too." He said, caught by surprise with such an early smooch.
I smiled, and kissed him once again, this time, my tongue pushing forwrd to further seal our embrace. Minutes passed by in a flash, and I was breathless when our lips parted again. "I missed you." I whispered softly.
"I can tell." He giggled, but then a serious look appeared on his face. "I'm sorry for being so stupid, Justin. I didn't mean for any of that to happen. I just couldn't..."
"Don't...ok? It was my fault. All of it." I told him. "But you don't have to worry anymore. Because...I'm never gonna let anyone hurt you ever again. You hear me? Not ever." I told him.
Taryn gave me a look of concern. "Justin...I..."
"No! Don't say it!" I snapped. It startled him slightly, and my sudden spark of anger surprised even me. I quickly lowered my voice and calmed down. "Taryn...what that bastard did to you was NOT your fault, ok?" Taryn's face didn't change. In fact, he looked away from me. "He...he KNOWS not to fuck with us anymore. It'll be MONTHS before Soren can even get that place operational again. And even then, he's not gonna risk hurting you again. Not after what I almost did to him."
"What you almost 'did' to him? Justin...I know that you were...angry, and you wanted to help me, and I LOVE you for it, baby! I really do!" He reached up to caress my cheek as he looked deep into my eyes. "But...you can't just keep...'hurting' people. You can't beat up everybody who causes us any trouble."
"Why not?" I said the words before I even knew they were on the tip of my tongue. It was an instant response, backed up by a delayed sense of logic that further twisted the question into something real. Why can't I take down anyone who causes us pain? Huh? How much pain have I lived with? How much has Taryn lived with? With all of our heart and our forgiveness and our compassion, we've been made FOOLS of by our own humanity. We didn't just 'give' our lives over to darkness. We were bullied into it! Pushed and prodded until we had no other alternative left to us. Why SHOULD we be the ones to endure this suffering! Let THEM suffer for once! Let the wicked pay for the shit they toss everybody else's way! For once, fate has given me the power to DO something significant! For once, I don't have to just turtle up and TAKE it! I can fight back! I can MAKE them understand!
But...as Taryn's eyes lowered, and refused to meet mine again...I knew that he wanted no part of it. I didn't get it. Why wouldn't he want the same thing that I want? Why would he want to go on living in pain when I can protect him? I was confused, but felt empty the second he pulled away from me and got out of bed to get dressed. He didn't say anything at first, sliding his boxers on over his smooth nude body, soon reaching for a t-shirt. I looked down, almost ashamed for what I was thinking. For what I was saying. I didn't want Taryn to be ashamed of me, I just...I would do ANYTHING to keep him safe. Anything.
Taryn kept his eyes down the entire time that it took him to get dressed. I knew that he was trying hard to block me out. To bite his tongue on what he thought about me. And despite my good intentions, I just....I wanted to make things right between us, you know? I was trying sooooo hard to make things right. Why am I so BAD at this? So lost when it comes to being more than just....'average'? I knew that I could be better. Stronger. More amazing than any other vampire in existence if I really wanted to be. But...without the love of the half naked boy standing before me, what would any of that be worth? What would my existence be when his highly cherished kiss was subtracted from an already dismal equation? And it was then that I looked down at the floor, and tried to keep the watery deposits in my eyes from rolling down my cheeks. I didn't want him to be afraid of me. I only wanted him to trust me to keep him safe. No matter what.
It was at that moment...when Taryn pulled his shirt down over his head, that he looked back at me, and saw my bottom lip quivering as I attempted to bottle up the sadness before he was able to see it. Even without looking up, I could sense the despair in his heart. The sympathy in his eyes. And he moved forward to sit beside me on the bed, putting his arm around me and holding me close...cheek to cheek, as I struggled to understand. Maybe we were both struggling to understand. Who knows? I just wasn't ready to let go of his love. And he wasn't ready to let go of mine. It was the only bond that kept us strong in this time of adversity. It's the only thing that held us together...and I appreciated it above everything else.
As Taryn's hug pulled me in, the first few silent tears fell from my eyes. And then, the first sniffle...which led to a much more visible emotional expression. There was no holding it back. Part of those tears were created by the joy of having him back. Part of those tears were created from the embarassment of losing my cool. And some....some were there from plain old confusion. Confusion about what to do, what to say, who I was, and who I will become. But no matter what the reason, no matter their purpose, Taryn's arms held me tight, and refused to let me fall. He never let me fall.
"It's ok, Justy. It's ok." He whispered, gently rocking me back and forth as my quiet sobs were muffled by his shoulder.
"I'm sorry....ok? I'm sorry. I was just so....so damn SCARED!" I cried. "I couldn't let them hurt you. I can't live without you. You're all I have left in this world! There aren't any more alternatives, Taryn. There isn't anyone left to make things ok again. Just you." I felt more tears spill over from my eyes, and cried some more. "It wasn't ME out there last night, Taryn! I SWEAR to you....it wasn't me...."
"I know, honey! I know." Taryn squeezed me, kissing my forehead tenderly as he continued to sway with me, offering all the comfort he could provide me. "I don't know how to help you, baby. I don't know what to do..." He sniffled, a heartbreaking tone in his voice. "But we're gonna find a way! Ok? We're gonna find somebody that can tell you what you need to do to get through this. Ok?" He kissed me again, and I could feel his tears on my cheeks as well. "I know it's hard. I know. But I'm HERE for you, Justin. I'm not going anywhere, baby. You hear me? I'm right here."
It might have been five minutes, it might have been twenty, but Taryn held me in his arms until my heart was full again, and my tears began to dry. We were silent, finding an unchallenged comfort in each other's embrace. But once we heard some voices outside, we knew that it wouldn't be long before someone came knocking on our door to find out what happened last night. I could practically 'feel' Bryson's concern seeping through the walls from the second he opened his eyes on the other side of the lot.
Taryn loosened his arms a bit, and gave me a kiss on the cheek, smoothing out my blond hair on both sides to get it looking somewhat decent. "You get dressed, and we'll talk to Bryson about getting you some outside help, ok?" He said, his voice still trembling a bit.
I nodded with a sniffle. "Ok." I got out of bed, and he gave me a deep kiss on the lips before slipping his sneakers on and heading outside. The second the door opened, I heard Gyro's excited whine, and everyone rushed over to hear about what happened. Taryn giggled a bit, and gave me a wink before closing the door behind him. It made me smile warmly to myself. Ugh...it's gonna be a long night telling THAT story over and over again.
Just as I was pulling on a pair of black jeans, I thought back to the menacing images from my dream, and I could almost swear that I heard the echoes of distant thunder in my head. I remembered the cold look of satisfaction in my own eyes as I stood on the edge of that cliff...and I wonder...do I really have any choice in whether or not I become that other person.
Or am I merely delaying the inevitable?
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