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Date Posted: 18:48:31 04/07/15 Tue
Author: Comicality
Subject: (Part One)
In reply to: Comicality 's message, "(S) "My Only Escape 20"" on 18:46:17 04/07/15 Tue

"My Only Escape 20"

While the fear still invaded every part of me, I embraced it proudly. I almost felt empowered by the terror inside. I had become so numb to its crippling effect by this point. The idea of being scared to enter the only place that I had in this world to call 'home' had become habit. Just another mundane condition of my dreary existence...coming to take hold of me once again. Just like it had a million times before.

Normally, that would crush my spirit, and I'd defeat myself emotionally before even stepping a single foot through that door. But not today.

Today I really paid attention to the intense waves of anxiety that were racing through me, head to toe. And you want to know something? It wasn't as bad as I made it out to be. It wasn't going to kill me, no matter how hard it worked to rattle me to the bone.

Was this the best my father had to offer? Is this what made him such a tyrant? Such a boogeyman in my mind for all these years? Because I've actually felt the power of true love since Brody came into my life. I've been bowled over by it. Completely overwhelmed by its merciless charm. And I know what REAL power is now. I've felt it. And this nervous feeling that I have bouncing around in my stomach as I climbed those steps up to the back porch? It didn't match up. I fact, it paled in comparison.

I can't say that I wasn't afraid, because I was. What I can say, though...is that it just didn't seem to matter today. Honestly...I almost wanted him to kill me. I thought about it as I climbed those stairs. One after the other. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. I thought about going into the kitchen drawer and arming myself with a few knives...finally giving my father the fight that he had been asking for. No more abuse. No more insults. I could finally show him what his 'pretty boy' was capable of once he was pushed to the edge.

The ONLY thing that I'd truly miss about this life was Brody. He's he only reason I have for not grabbing a knife and turning the blade on myself. It's hard to imagine having any reason at all to live without him by my side. He was my everything. Knowing that...I felt as if I had nothing else to lose. Everything that my father had ever threatened to take away from me as a human being...he could have it. He could have it ALL! Just give me my Brody, and I'll be fine. Everything else, my very 'survival' included, was just an accessory. There's no amount of pain that he can bash and batter me with, even in the WORST of his rages, that my sweet angel couldn't heal with a single kiss and a caress of my cheek.

He's my cure for the sickness my father implanted in me. He keeps the voices at bay. He's the only proof I have that I'm worthy of love. That I'm worthy at all. That I can have what other people have. That the promise of a life free of constant torture and pain is even possible for a boy like me. Brody's love is the only thing that keeps me from breaking apart. It's STRONGER than my father's fear. SO much stronger.

It's time that he realized that for himself.

An ice cold shiver rumbled through me as I reached into my pants pocket for my house key. My face was blank. Emotionless, despite the unsettling disturbance within. I put my key in the lock...and I turned it.

As I walked into the kitchen, I could see some dirty dishes in the sink from my father's midday snacking. I also noticed a tied up garbage bag by the back door, and the shapes of empty beer cans near the top.

He's intoxicated. Good. Better, even. I'm glad.

Normally, that would be a cue for me to drop my backpack down and take out the trash before being asked to do so. Normally, I'd go to that sink and wash up those dishes before even giving my feet a slight rest from walking all the way home from school. But, no...not today.

I closed the door behind me and felt my eyes narrow with a mellow sense of utter hatred as I just marched myself right past the trash and the dishes and headed towards my room.

"Zack...?" My father called out from the living room. He was on the couch, watching TV. Half asleep, from the hazy sound of his voice. "Did you take out the garbage?" He asked. But as I walked towards my bedroom...all he got from me was silence, accompanied by an icy cold stare that caused him to raise an eyebrow in response.

I went right into my bedroom, kicking off my shoes...putting down my books. He has no idea how close he is to getting his throat slit. I could do it, you know? It seemed unthinkable before...but now I know I can do it. He's just a man. A flesh and blood human being...just like me. I could do it. I could make him bleed for me. And this chaotic Hell of a miserable fucking life would be over for both me AND my mom!!! All it takes is a little 'push' on his part. That's all I need.

I hope he gives me a reason. PLEASE give me whatever psychotic instinct I need to just blackout and wake up to his corpse laying in a pool of fucking BLOOD right beside me! Do it! PLEASE do it!!!

 "Hey!" He said from the other room. I could hear just a hint of a drunken slur in his voice, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. "Zack! Did you clean up that kitchen? Dinner's not going to make itself, you know? You get it done before your mother gets home from work or it's your ass. You HEAR me?"

I didn't answer him. I was standing in the middle of my room, my back to the door, regulating my breathing, keeping my wrath under control. But the very sound of his nagging fucking VOICE was almost enough to drive me insane! I didn't even realize how tightly my fists were balled up until I heard my knuckles crack from the pressure.


I don't know why...but I felt a single tear roll down my right cheek. My bottom lip was quivering...but I just stood there. There are no words to describe the unspeakable loathing that I had for that man in that one glaring moment of defiance.

I just kept thinking....

Knives in the drawer...

Screwdrivers in the pantry...

A hammer, a tire iron, a bottle of bleach in the basement next to the washing machine.

He's never going to let me and Brody be happy, is he? He's never going to let me escape. Brody is my escape. He's my salvation in all this. His love means more to me than my pointless protection of this hellish SECRET!!! I'm SICK of it!!! And if I challenge him...if I end up drawing my last breath this afternoon...at least I know that I died with love in my heart. Knowing that I was worth something. That I wasn't some piece of worthless trash to just be abandoned and pushed aside. To be beaten down and broken, treated without any sense of value at all.

He loves me. And we'd be good together. Which means everything that my father told me was a heartless and despicable lie. A LIE!!!

So I don't fear the consequences this time. His days of maintaining his hold on my ability to be happy are over.

I waited for him to yell at me again, but he allowed laziness to settle in and went back to watching TV. It wouldn't last. Not for long. I was sure of it.

I walked over to my dresser and I turned my music on. Aggressive music. Angry music. I used to keep the volume down so low that I could barely appreciate it. I didn't dare put on headphones, for fear that I'd miss my father's call from the other room and force him to come 'retrieve' me. But this time I wanted to hear it. I wanted him to hear it. And I slowly turned the volume knob to the right as a few more tears slipped from my dead and sullen eyes.

I thought about Brody and how badly he wanted to be there for me. I thought about how I made him cry...just because I was too broken to know how to love somebody. Even somebody who so clearly loves me back. But he was right. Love heals everything. Absolutely everything.

I turned the music up a little louder. Every distorted guitar and brutal pound of the drum creating a fury within me. The fear? I don't think it went away. I think something else happened. I think I was learning to burn that fear as fuel. It only seemed to make me more determined to get this over with. The whole time...still thinking...

Knives in the drawer...

Screwdrivers in the pantry...

A hammer, a tire iron, a bottle of bleach in the basement next to the washing machine.

I thought about what it would be like to poison his food...and watch him gasp, choke, and cough up blood, while I watched with a grin from the other side of the table. Eating my food as though there was nothing awkward going on at all.

But no...that would be too easy. I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me. I wanted to cave in his skull with a blunt object, and just keep hitting and hitting and hitting until I was too exhausted to go on. I wanted him to FEEL it! My desperation. My resentment. My RAGE over him making me this way! For hurting me, and for making me hurt Brody. No, poison is no good. I want him, in his last moments, to have to FIGHT for his life the way I had to fight for mine. And finally give in to the fact that it's hopeless for him to do so. I want to see it in his eyes. That break. That surrender to the inevitable. The very idea of it nearly gave me a near-sexual thrill...

...And I turned the music up louder.

"Zack!!!" Came the sound of his monstrous bellowing from the living room. "Turn the fucking music DOWN or turn it off!!!"

I turned it up louder.

"Do you hear me talking to you, boy?!?!" He shouted.

My whole body began to tremble, more tears pouring out of my eyes as I prepared for the possible endgame. And I turned the music all the way up to FULL volume! Loud enough to echo throughout the house and probably outside between buildings too.

I heard a string of curse words coming from the other room, and my father got up off of the couch, his heavy and menacing footsteps quickly stomping their way towards my room. I held my breath as his furious gaze fixed itself upon me, but I didn't not move. I didn't budge. I stood right next to my speakers, and if the loud music could have gotten any louder...I would have cranked it up even more.

He was so outdone by my defiance that he could barely breathe. My knees almost buckled at the sight of him looming over me. So much bigger. So much stronger. But I did NOT give in. If I don't make a stand right here, right now...I never will.

"You don't hear me talking to you? You wanna play games today, is that it?" He said, gritting his teeth. Then he faked a chuckle, saying, "You just look for more and more reasons for me to hurt you. You just can't seem to straighten your act out. That's why I'm here. I'm gonna straighten out for you. Believe me."

I didn't say a word. I stared right back at him, and as the song came to an end...I reached forward...and I started it over again from scratch.

"You son of a..." My father angrily lunged forward to push me and tried to turn my music off, but I SLAPPED his fucking hand away! And for the first time, with all the strength my wiry arms could muster, I literally attacked my father, head-on!  With a snarl and both of my hands raised I shot forward and tried my best to grab for his...his THROAT, or his FACE, or...or fucking SOMETHING! I don't even know WHAT I was lunging for! I was too blind with rage to care! "What the fuck do you think you're DOING??!?!?!" He shouted over the music, grabbing me by the wrists and trying to hold me still!

I struggled for a few moments, hoping to get my hands free from his iron grip, but when that didn't work, I began to kick him as hard as I could in both legs. I wish I had left my shoes on, as I'm sure it hurt me more than it hurt him. Only my anger numbed me from the damage, and as soon as I got a hand free, I balled up my fist and punched him right in the JAW! The shock of it got him to release my other hand, and I swung on him over and over again like a madman! One punch after the other! Trying to connect with any part of him that I could possibly find open while he attempted to protect himself from my aggravated assault. I screamed and yelled and cried until my entire face burned with tears of intense hatred! He DESTROYED me as a human being, and for the first time he was going to ANSWER for that!!!

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  • (Part Two) -- Comicality, 18:49:46 04/07/15 Tue
  • So close.... -- Welshdude, 10:13:17 04/09/15 Thu
  • Brings back memories -- Mike84, 15:24:33 04/09/15 Thu
  • Intense -- Cirrus, 13:54:16 04/10/15 Fri
  • ...! -- Remijay, 13:32:23 05/17/15 Sun

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