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Saturday, June 19, 2021 3:33:54 CSTLogin ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 123456[7]8910 ]

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Date Posted: 00:59:02 05/10/15 Sun
Author: Cirrus
Subject: Great chapter!
In reply to: Comicality 's message, "(Part Two)" on 23:17:21 05/09/15 Sat

Very hot, and the time limit really racked up the tension... how much could they get away with before Jesse's mother got home.

I think my favourite part of the chapter might have been Artie trying to get a peek or listen to what was going on. The initial pushing of a reluctant Artie out the door was amusing, but I laughed out loud when Tristan closed the blinds on Artie, who had climbed up the ladder. The image was just priceless. (Artie's shameless infatuation with Tristan is comedy gold that just keeps on giving).

Super minor editor's suggestion: I don't think you should have used an exclamation mark on the sentence "The powerful pulses began!". It's purely descriptive, and when I come across an exclamation mark on a sentence like that, it feels like the the author is trying to artificially drum up excitement (and completely unnecessary here - the chapter was very exciting!), All of the other times you used exclamation marks it was in a sentence describing Tristan's *reaction" to what was going on, which was entirely appropriate.

Apart from that, I have no suggestions for improvement - I really, really liked the chapter. And I still want Artie to meet Tristan's neighbour from down the road.

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  • ...Oh my! *ahem* ::wipes sweat from his brow:: Giggles. -- Mike84, 14:07:39 05/10/15 Sun

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