- I just got a quick message from Jimmy about an hour ago. I don't really know what to say about that. It basically said, "Hey, Billy. I just...wanted to say hello, and tell you that I miss you. Ok? I'm not mad anymore. I promise."
I don't know if I can really believe that. I don't know. I just feel like there's some sort of a 'trick' involved. Which is probably a really awful thing for me to say about Jimmy, and if anything I should be happy that he thinks about me enough to want to talk at all. But...I don't know.
I still think about how much Jimmy and I used to laugh when we hung out together. I think about him going to the mall with me and Bobby, or the times he stood by me with a kind heart and some good advice. I certainly won't ever forget the day he and I showed up at AJ's house at the same time! Whenever I took a quiet moment to think about it, I really missed Jimmy too. Sometimes, I wish I had the whole beginning of Summer to do over again from scratch.
I don't want to hide from Jimmy. I really don't. I hope Sam can work whatever magic he's planning to conjure up soon. Because I wanna talk to Jimmy again. If for no other reason than to hug him close and let him know that I'm thinking about him too.
Anyway, I worked the morning shift today. A bit of luck, considering that I had some decent time to get together with Brandon afterwards! Hehehe, but more on that in a second.
Garrett worked with me today. He wasn't as talkative as he was the last time we spent any time together, but he didn't seem intimidated or anything this time. He just sorta smiled at me, and I think he even said hello to Terrell and Ollie today. He's actually making progress, albeit a little bit at a time. It's sort of like trying to coax a turtle out of his shell, but we were happy to know that he was getting more and more comfortable with the rest of us. He was beginning to feel more like family now.
At one point, Taylor came up to the front counter where we were standing and heard Garrett mumble a greeting to him as he walked by. Taylor was like, "What's he so happy about today?"
Ollie said, "Don't ask any of us. Little Billy here is the one who cracked that code. Garrett's been blossoming like a rose ever since."
I'm like, "I didn't really have to do anything. He's a good guy. I guess he's just a little bit shy."
Taylor's like, "He's a LOT a bit shy, more like it." Then he says, "He didn't say anything to anybody, I figured I'd let him just hide in that dark little corner over there or whatever and leave him alone. Some people are just better off by themselves."
I said, "Well...I mean, it's not like he wants to be 'alone' or anything. I think he just wasn't sure about how to approach you guys."
Taylor's like, "Well, he could start with 'hello'. I'm just saying. I wouldn't even know the kid's name if it wasn't printed on his tag."
In his defense, I said, "It can be intimidating, dude. Some of you guys can be a little...you know..." I didn't finish that sentence, but Ollie and Terrell instantly turned their eyes to look directly at Taylor.
He's like, "What are you guys looking at ME for? I didn't do anything!"
Ollie said, "Hehehe, you can be a little rough around the edges sometimes, Taylor."
Terrell asked him, "Dude, what did you do now? Are you terrorizing the employees again?"
Taylor seemed so surprised. "I've never been anything but nice to Garrett. Billy? Dude, he tell you that I was mean to him?"
I shrugged and said, "He didn't exactly say that. I think he just thinks...that you, maybe, don't like him so much. That's all."
Taylor put down his stack of merchandise and said, "Well, I'm gonna go over there and solve this right now..."
Terrell had to step in front of him to stop him. Hahaha! He was like, "Jesus, Taylor...do you see what we're talking about? What are you gonna do? Stomp your way over to the poor guy, trap him in a corner, and say 'I was NICE to you, dammit! Now be my friend!'? Chill out."
Taylor said that he just wanted to clear the air so Garrett wouldn't feel bullied or strong-armed whenever they worked together. Ollie told him, "You can just try being nice to him and let him warm up to you on his own. Did you ever think of that?"
We were all standing around Taylor, smiling at his expenses. Then he just sort of grunted and said, "Alright. Ok. I'll be nice. Ugh...I swear to God, you people are SO exhausting sometimes..." Hehehe, we all know that Taylor is a sweetheart and a good guy. But he also has a pretty bold personality. For someone like Garrett, it can come off as a bit...'intense', I guess.
I happened to notice a rather disturbed look on Robin's face when he came into the store during the middle of my shift today. He didn't even really speak to anybody when he came in. Just walked into the store, went straight to the clock, punched in...and started working. I've seen Robin in a less than stellar mood before, but nothing like this. I did say hello, but only got a quick response in return.
Everybody there noticed it. We especially saw how upset he was when he started slamming stuff around on the shelves. Even the customers knew to stay out of his way today. Yikes. I knew what that was. Only AJ could piss somebody off that bad.
I let him blow off a little bit of steam for a while, but then sorta wandered over to ask if he was ok. Robin was like, "Sure. I'm fine. Life is grand. Everything is just GREAT, Billy!" Geez! I was about to just turn around and walk away when he said, "I'm just really getting FED UP with the selfishness of people! And the EGO! I mean how can people so blind when it comes to other people's feelings? You know?"
I'm like, "Well...I guess..."
He's like, "I mean, am I some sort of a tyrant? Am I high maintenance? What do I ask for? NOTHING! All he has to do talk to me once in a fucking while and acknowledge my existence! Is that too much to ask for?"
AJ. I knew it. I'm like, "Maybe he..."
But Robin was already on too much of a roll to stop now. He's like, "You know...the thirty seconds that it would take him to talk to me would solve every problem I have with this whole situation! Thirty seconds! But he doesn't have the time. You wanna know why? Because he wants to hang around with his 'friend' Rodney! That's why. Since when does he have a friend named Rodney? I don't remember ever hearing about him before. Is it too much that maybe I ask someone that I'm trying to build a relationship with doesn't spend a majority of his time hanging out with another boy??? What are they doing when they hang out? Nothing? Something? How am I supposed to know. He didn't even bother to tell me THAT much! I mean, am I crazy? Am I a psycho boyfriend for wanting some communication, quality time, and...oh, I don't know...the security to know that he's not screwing somebody else behind my back??? I guess I must just be an ASSHOLE, huh?"
I was kinda scared to answer him, to be honest. I know that Robin was trying to hold it back, but he was so angry that I could practically feel the heat radiating off of him in waves.
I don't know how many people in the store heard that, but I stepped closer....slowly. Then I put a hand on his shoulder and just said, "I'm sorry you guys are having trouble." I don't think that was the time to fan the flames. I could see Robin's whole mood change. Once the anger was vented and he got it out of his system...there was a deep layer of pain and heartache underneath it. He turned his back to me, but I think he was starting to get a bit misty eyed. I wasn't sure if I should stick around or give him some space...so I just asked him, "Do you wanna talk about it?"
Robin just sighed to himself, and he said, "No. I'm ok. I just...I feel less than human right now. I keep doing everything that I can to keep AJ close to me and try to just...to just...make him give a shit, you know? I don't ask for much, I don't 'crowd' him or cling to him, I try to make him laugh, I try to make him 'feel'...and he just doesn't care. I don't know...maybe I just 'bore' him now. He's got Rodney. Who cares?"
I rubbed his shoulders a bit, but I didn't say much. I think he just wanted to get rid of some of the pressure.
Then he gave me a weak smile and a sniffle, and he said, "I'll be alright. It just pisses me off, that's all. I'll figure something out."
I tried to tell him, "There's nothing for you to figure out. Robin...I know that you don't want to hear this, but AJ isn't really the kind of person that you should get your heart tangled up with. I told you...he's bad news..."
But Robin's like, "You don't know him like I do, Billy..." Arrrghh!!!
I didn't fight it. I didn't argue. Robin's mind is made up, so...he'll just have to suffer through the horror of it the same way I did. I guess he figures he's invested too much into this 'relationship' of his to turn back now. I hate to let him fall for it. I hate to let AJ just keep twisting his heart into knots while he goes on getting his way. But as emotionally worn out as Robin was at that moment, the last thing he needed was a lecture. I think he just needed a few hugs and some time to think.
And FUCK AJ for doing this to another teen boy with a good heart!!! It's a total blasphemy for him to have gotten away with this for as long as he has. Something bad needs to happen to him. And soon. He's actually become a fucking menace at this point and I hate him with a passion!
Wish he'd go crawl under a rock somewhere and just...ugh...
Sorry. I'm not going to let this get to me today. It's a GOOD day! I just hate to see good people hurt and the bad guys win.
So, I went over to see Brandon today. I don't know why I was so nervous about it, but there's a lot about me and Brandon that feels like it's all happening for the first time again. It's not enough to just want to be back together again. It's not enough to just 'say' it. I don't even think it's enough for us both to truly feel it in our hearts right now. It takes more than that. We need to talk and focus on lining everything up the way we had it before. Or maybe even stronger than before. We need to reconnect. Get back on the same page. And then every day will be a holiday again.
When I got home and called him up, he sounded so relaxed. I was like, "Hey."
And he's like, "S'up?"
From that moment, the nervous jitters flooded into my stomach. It was immediate. I didn't have the brain function to do more than giggle at that point. Can you believe that we actually tried to make some 'small talk' for the first five minutes. It's not like we didn't make plans for this yesterday. I think we were just waiting for the other person to say it first. You know...for some stupid reason.
Finally, I was like, "So...you still wanna hang out today, or...?"
He gave me a rather nonchalant sounding, "Sure. Come on over." But Brandon was smiling. I could hear it. I can always hear Brandon when he smiles.
Before I knew what hit me, I was hurrying over there as fast as I could. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't want to get my hopes up too high, but don't think that the idea of totally jumping his bones the second he opened that door didn't cross my mind.
However, my super anxious thrill mellowed itself out when Brandon came to the day with a comforting smile. Hehehe, not that I wasn't still jumping up and down in my head...just not on his doorstep. He's like, "It's about time. Come on in..."
Ok, so I didn't jump on him right away, but I was thinking about it. Just let me write that down so I can remember that part.
When we go into the living room, he had the TV on, and he stopped for a moment to smile at me. I know that it shouldn't have been awkward, but...like I said...we were still trying to line things up right first. At least we shared a kiss on the lips. nothing overly sexy or erotic, just something a bit more than friendly. Just having his tender lips touch mine was like a dream come true. It seems like such a simple connection, due to how natural it came to the both of us. But...there was an emotional complexity to it that can't be defined or predicted by the most brilliant of minds. We simply fit. Me and Brandon were a constant. We had something that the rest of the world WISH it had. Wish it could bottle and reproduce. Wish it could substitute or duplicate in a way that had a sense of heart and meaning. But they couldn't. Not ever. It was a waste of time for them to try. I get more of a spark from that single kiss with the boy I've grown to love than anyone can get with allof the collective orgasms had from goofy internet porn and artificial hook ups with strangers on Craig's List.
No...what we felt for each other went deeper than 'touch'. Why is that so hard for people to understand? Touch was a bonus. A divine expression of everything else that came before that, built and cultivated and nurtured over time. Giving the 'touch' meaning. Depth. Character. Being able to kiss those sweet lips on arrival was the cherry on top.
I guess everybody is more concerned with skipping to the heart of the dessert these days. A nation of 'AJ's' in practice, with a thick veil of shameless denial to protect them from feeling bad about it. Hell...maybe deep down...I'm in that exact same category.
If so, I hope to break free of that garbage. I hope to be better someday.
Brandon and I sat on his sofa in front of the TV, and I can't say that I wasn't looking for something sexy to happen between us. I didn't want to 'bully' him into anything, but...you know...let's DO something! You know?
I tried to start something by saying, "So...is your dad home or anything? I don't want to be rude. I should say hello or something."
He's like, "Hehehe, well...yes, and no." I wasn't sure what that meant, but he told me, "My dad's on call tonight. He might be back in a couple of hours...he might be back in a couple of 'minutes'. So..." I think he was waiting for me to say something, but I didn't. There was a long pause between us, and Brandon said, "You know...maybe this was a bad idea. I mean, I'd totally understand if you wanted to leave. I don't know...I mean, if this is weird for you..."
I was quick to hush him up. I said, "No. No way. It's fine. I just...I came to see you. Just you."
He blushed and said, "We can't really...that is, if he were to walk in..."
I said, "It's fine. I'll behave. Hehehe, promise." I think it surprised him at first. I mean, last time, I was horny and impatient and made the stupid mistake of thinking that I could jump on the first sexual opportunity that I could get my hands on in his absence and that everything would be ok from there. But I've learned my lesson this time. I don't want sex. I want Brandon. And if sex comes with that...then AWESOME! Hehehe, as long as I get a chance to see that smile again and can claim it as my own.
He's like, "Are you sure? I mean, I was kinda hoping that we'd have a little more privacy myself."
I raised an eyebrow, and it made Brandon giggle in the cutest way. I was like, "Is that a fact?" He nodded while trying to hold his snickers back. And I asked him, "So...what would have happened if you and I had been somewhere a little more...'parent free'?"
He grinned again and shrugged one of his shoulders. He's all like, "Parent free? Ummm...I dunno. Stuff. Maybe...some fun stuff."
I sorta brought my knees together as I felt a growing erection starting to swell to full hardness. We looked at each other for a moment, and giggled again. I said, "Fun stuff, huh? I've sorta been thinking of fun stuff too. It's been a while since we had...you know...'fun'."
It Brandon so SHY to hear me say that, but it was adorable the way he took my hand and agreed with me. He said, "I wish I could say that it didn't matter. But my dad still doesn't know. I've got to be careful, you know? Otherwise...hehehe, we wouldn't be sitting here right now." He smiled, and then he leaned in to kiss me passionately on the lips, his hand on the back of my neck. I couldn't believe how my emotions just reacted to his touch. The physical of pleasure of sexual affection was SO amazing, but there was something about Brandon that touched me in a way that sex couldn't. Something deeper. Something more orgasmic than the orgasm itself. Oh God...my baby. He's kissing me. I have my angel back!
I'm not sure how long we did that for, but I know that we had to stop before an irrational mindset took over and we found ourselves taking chances that could lead to something bad. Because I was seriously thinking that I could rip Brandon's pants off of him and suck him fast and hard until he unleashed a hot load in my mouth...cleaning him up before his father came back through that door. Oh yeah, believe me, I thought about going back to his room and locking the door, I thought about hiding out in his basement, I thought about just...taking the risk of doing it right there on that living room couch! But...we didn't. no, something tells me that he'd come home JUST in time to see his son blowing his top, and me on my knees without so much as a familiar face for him to know who the hell I was.
But, believe me...the temptation was there.
We talked for a while. But it was mostly just a way to get our heartbeats back to normal between make out sessions. Sessions that were getting hotter and more intense every time we got back into it. I missed kissing Brandon. Oh WOW, did I miss kissing those lips. He knew just how I liked it. He remembered every detail. And when our lips parted, he would smile at me again, and I swear that I could feel my ears tingling.
Then, unfortunately, as our lips were smashed together and our breathing was heavy and our moans were getting so loud that we were almost ready to just scream 'fuck it' and go to his room to take our clothes off...we actually did hear his father's car pull up in the driveway.
We were probably just a few minutes away from getting caught. I couldn't help myself! I was like...I was on FIRE at that moment! I was sucking on his tongue so hard, my hands rubbing him all over, his hands doing the same...my shaft rock hard and throbbing with every beat of my heart. Love was grand...but it had been a while since I had been so possessed by this level of untamed LUST! It literally HURT me to have to stop making out with him and scoot away to pretend like we were watching TV. I was so breathless. So unbelievably aroused. Just looking at him was too much. I lunged forward and kissed him hard on the lips just ONE more time as I heard his father's keys in the front door.
I hope that I didn't seem flushed or flustered or anything when his dad came in. Brandon introduced me and I waved hello, thankful that he didn't want me to get up and shake hands or anything. THAT might have been a bit of a problem for me. But...as soon as he stepped around the corner, Brandon peeked at him by leaning over, and then he grabbed me by the hand...pulling me up so that we could hurry back to his bedroom. Hehehe, we were both poking out so BAD! It was totally perverse, but we just padded along in our sock feet, trying to get to his room before his dad came back.
Brandon didn't close his door all the way, but he pressed me up against the wall behind it, and hungrily kissed me again. My shoulders were pinned, but my arms were free, and I gave him just as good as I got it. We must have really missed each other these past few months, because this was getting downright dangerous at this point.
That's when Brandon tilted his head to suck hard at the side of my neck, trying to quiet the smacking sounds that we were making...and he whispered loudly, "God, I love you!"
I could only whimper in response, the ticklish sensation of his tongue on my neck, his soft hair brushing the side of my cheek as his hardness mashed itself against my own.
Then we heard his father's voice from the living room. He was like, "Where'd you guys go?"
Brandon forced himself to stop from basically leaving a hickey on the side of my neck. He said, "I was just...I'm showing Billy something in my room."
His dad asked, "Is your friend staying for dinner?" Brandon looked at me first, but I knew I couldn't. I shook my head, and he just couldn't help but to lean in and start tongue kissing me again. After a moment, his dad was like, "Brandon?"
Brandon was like, "Uhhh...no. Actually, Billy can't stay for much longer. Maybe next time." Then he started kissing me again. I know that it was risky, but it was almost like we'd never see each other again! Hehehe! I don't know, we had been denying our absolute addiction for one another for so long that we had forgotten how much MAGIC the two of us could produce when we were together! That craving had gone unsatisfied for the both of us. What a rush...being reintroduced to that sensual fever all over again.
I did have to leave shortly after. His dad kept wanting to know what we were up to in there, and Brandon was quickly running out of excuses. Plus...you know, we kept looking at the lock on the doorknob and wondering if we could get away with just a little bit of...well, you know. Common sense is a rarity when you're thinking with the 'little head'. So, yeah...we got as much kissing in as we could, and eventually had to part ways. But Brandon told me he loved me. Over and over again. And he meant it. I could see it in his eyes. Hear it in his voice. Hehehe, he really knew how to make my heart sing. How did I ever let this boy get away from me?
Thinking back on it now...the time I spent with Brandon was perfect. Just perfect. Not as intimate and as sexy as I wish it was, but it's not like Brandon needed all of that to thrill me anyway. He had me giggling and leaking fluids just with a phone call. All in all, I'd say that today was a success. And things will only get better from here.
He sent me a message tonight. Just to tell me that he loved me, he's going to bed, and that he'll be dreaming about me. I mean...do you see what I'm dealing with here? He truly cares for me. Like...cares! I don't know what to do with this feeling. Like, at all.
I took so much for granted the first time around. So much. I'm just glad to have my sweetie back in my life. My mom was 100% right on this one. I faced the problem, I made amends, and we're fixing it. We're making it right again.
I love you, Brandon! I love you soooo much!!! Thank you for being my dream come true! THANK YOU!!!
Ok, I'm going to bed before I get myself all worked up again! I just can't put into words how HAPPY I am at this moment! Life works! It actually WORKS! Hehehe!
I'll write more later!
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