They say that it gets easier every time you tell somebody that you're gay. But, I beg to differ.
I mean, I don't know. I think I'm just as terrified now as I was when I was doing it for the first
time. You never know how one person is going to react apart from the people you've told so far. You know?
I still feel my heart throbbing madly, pounding to the point of almost being
painful. I still get befuddled about what words to use. What angle to take. I can hardly get enough breath in my lungs to speak at all, much less in a rational and intelligible manner.
Then, after all of the awkward silence, comes the endless twitching and fidgeting that comes with trying to not sound like a babbling idiot as ninety five percent of my daily vocabulary decides to cowardly run out on me all at once. It's just...the most uncomfortable situation in the world...and I wish it wasn't like that! There's a part of me that knows that it shouldn't be this way! But...you know...it is. It just...is.
When I first told one of my best friends, Summer...she took it extremely well. Then again, I kind of expected
her to. We had been friends since we were, like, toddlers. So she didn't really
have much of a choice but to accept me for who I was or she'd be missing out just as much as I was in the friendship department. She's really been great though. Thank god for first experiences of this nature.
When I told my cousin, Bobby, he wrestled with the idea for a bit...at first thinking that it
was all just a big joke until I actually started to cry in front of him and he
realized that I wasn't fooling around anymore. It took a bit of an adjustment on his part, but he
got used to the idea pretty fast, and in a week or two...he couldn't tell the difference between regular me and gay me. That's kind of what I was hoping for. I mean, that's how it should be, right? They're both the same person anyway. There was never a 'straight' me to begin with. So what would HE be losing out on in the long run?
However...I think the hardest, so far, was my mom.
The last thing I ever wanted to do was disappoint my mom by telling her that her
little boy was a homosexual. An abnormal. One of the 'others'. I had no idea how she'd take it at first. Considering that she was my only source of food, shelter, and family affection, at the time...it was a huge risk for me to tell her something like this about myself. Something that I was sure she
didn't want to hear. But...in the end, she turned out to be ok with it. I mean, she was a bit
shocked initially, and I did see her wipe a few stray tears away from her eyes. But
after that, the only question she had to ask was, "Are you sure?" I told her
that I was pretty certain, and she got up and hugged me tight with a few
sniffles exchanged between us. She told me, "It's ok, baby. I love you
for everything that you are. This doesn't change anything. You hear me?" You
have no idea how GOOD it felt to have her look me in the eye and hear her say those words out loud. And really MEAN them, you know? I felt like I had taken my very first
liberated breath in my life when she accepted me so easily for who I was. I can't even say whether or
not I expected her to take it that well beforehand. I can only remember the love and affection that followed in the hug she gave me afterward, and how much comfort it brought to me at a time when I felt
too weak to stand alone anymore.
It was like, being reborn. Like exiting a
hot and sweaty sauna and walking out into a cool and breezy Autumn afternoon outside. Her reaction is what gave me
the courage to venture out even further. I doubt I ever would have found the strength to tell another living soul about my attractions if my own mother had initially rejected me.
Since then, my mom has gone a bit overboard with the
concept of being 'supportive' for her gay son. I may love my mom, but I'm STILL a teenager, you know? I practically had to side
tackle her at the front door of my high school one night to keep her from wearing a larger
than life rainbow colored 'parent of a gay teen' button to parent
conferences! I'm not quite THAT free of spirit yet. If I'm not
careful, she's gonna run an ad during the freaking Superbowl and ruin EVERYTHING!
I'm glad that she's understanding and all, but Jesus...let's slow things down a little bit, shall we? I'm
not exactly the type to dance on top of the biggest float in the gay pride parade. It's just not me. But, despite her often frightening
enthusiasm issues, she's still the one experience that felt the best out of the few
people that I decided to tell first.
So...there we have it.
That's three people who now
officially know that I'm the 15 year old oddball that they make the
typical after school specials about on TV. Sighhh...three people down...only
7 BILLION left to go.
Anyway, Jason was a really good friend of mine. I have to admit that I've had an on and off infatuation with him for more years than I can count right now. And by infatuation, I mean an unnatural and unhealthy obsession that I was totally ashamed of while it was happening, but pursued anyway. I don't know...I just couldn't help
myself! He was SO insanely gorgeous! Cute and blond and affectionate, and he played
on the high school basketball team, so he was all lean and sexy and...'active'. You know? Not only was he, quite possibly, one of the dreamiest boys in junior high, but moving into high school had only
helped his hot body and effortless sex appeal fill out to bring his allure out to epic proportions of hotness. Puberty naturally transforming his face and body from inexplicably adorable to undeniably sexy right before my very eyes with every passing month. I think even Summer had a crush on
him at one point, even if she never said a word about it out loud. But...as much as I love Jason with all my heart, I'm pretty sure that he's straight. Hopelessly straight. ENDLESSLY straight. And that hurt. There's no chance,
whatsoever, for me to ever have him as more than a distant 'buddy' to occasionally hang out with while pretending that it doesn't KILL me to keep myself and my undying love for him at a distance at all times. It just...sucks. You know? It does!
I should have
jumped on that hard, delicious, stalk of horny boy delight when we were both 12 years old and still having sleepovers at each other's house on the weekends. At least
then I might have been able to inspire him to 'experiment' a little while he was still confused and making up his mind about what he liked...sexually. No love. No emotion. Just some good physical feelings and a list of opportunities for more meaningless sex whenever it came knocking. It would have been better than nothing, right?
Ah well, live and learn...
But despite the intense crush that I had on my friend, Jason, and the many nights that I prayed
to the angels above to make him suddenly fall madly in love with me too and never ask
why...Jason was a good guy. A good friend. I was pretty sure that telling
him that I was gay would be ok. Whether he returned my feelings of affection or not. The only
thing that really bothered me was...well...if I tell him the truth...he's going to think back to
all of the times that we spent together, and he's going to know how I felt
about him all this time.
I mean, it wasn't necessarily a subtle hint that I was making towards him all these years. I'm sure that he's going to know what my ulterior motives were the whole time in getting close to him. And that's going to be awkward when it comes to light. I don't need him
worrying about me lusting after him every time he bends over to tie his
shoe. Of course, I WILL be doing exactly that! But I don't want him to know that. Ugh!
There's a very delicate balance that I have to maintain here. And as I sat
there on the foot of his bed, watching him type away on his keyboard to
show me some funny clips he found on YouTube...I struggled with the
idea of this being the moment for me to let the truth spill out
of me before I found more reasons to chicken out again.
I've got to try. It'll
bother me forever until I at least give it a try. Sighhhhh...why is it always so hard to confess to the cute ones?
"Gabe! You've gotta check this one out, dude!" Jason grinned, turning to
look at me. I had to peel my eyes away from him quickly, realizing that
I was shamelessly staring at his hot body again.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Come here." I got up and looked at the screen over his shoulder. Wow,
he smelled good. "It's called "Must Love Jaws"! Dude, it's awesome. He's in love with the shark..."
The whole scenario seemed so comfortable. So strategic. Like it had been set up this way for a reason by some divine presence.
Was this my moment? Do I do it now? Should I tell him that we need to
talk first? Or do I just blurt it out without warning? I wonder what he would do if I
just...leaned in and kissed him on the side of the neck, right
now? What if he, like, reached up and ran his fingers through my hair
while I sucked on his smooth, soft, skin. Wow...that would be so hot.
"What are you doing?" Jason said as he leaned away and looked at me to
find out why I was hovering so close.
"Uhh, nothing. Just...watching the...the video." Shit, I should be
"Well...back up a little bit, dude. You're practically kissing me over
here." He joked. But if only he could feel the little jolt of excitement
that shot through me when I heard the words leave his mouth.
"Sorry..." I mumbled. I tried to get myself back on track. But the task of keeping
his shameless beauty from distracting me to the point where I couldn't concentrate
wasn't easy. Sigh...look at those lips. I'd give ANYTHING to kiss those
sweet, pink, pouty lips! Ok, Gabe...focus on coming up with a gameplan
here. So...yeah...I'll just tell him. That's all there is to it. I'll just tell him I'm gay. Now...exactly how do I do that?
It's never easy to start a conversation like this. There's no real
formula for it. No easy build up. No clever transition from any other topic
of normal conversation. You just have to 'unleash' it on people
when they least expect it. They basically get slammed with the news by
surprise, and it's so fast that they have no choice but to react like
they had just stepped on an emotional landmine. Sighhhh...I guess I
should just tell him. Yeah. Yeah, I should tell him. I told myself that
I was going to do it tonight, and I'm...I'm going through with it. Ok...here
"Here it is!" He laughed, and that deep breath I had just taken to tell
him thetruthabout me was wasted. I silently thanked fate for giving me another few
seconds of planning, and just watched the screen over Jason's shoulder. But...even
through a few shared giggles, my thoughts were still firmly stuck in that
terrifying mindset of outing myself to one of my best friends in the
world. I never know for sure what's going to change between me and the
person I tell from that moment on. But...I had to do it. I got tired of
being locked away, suppressing everything I am and everything I feel in
front of the people I cared about most. It's true, you never really
notice how HARD you have to work to appear straight until you lift that
weight off of your shoulders. You never realize how much it hurts to
hide that part of yourself away from the rest of the world until you get
a small taste of what it's like to be free of it. And once I told one
person...just ONE...I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop there. I'd
have to keep going, keep pushing, keep striving to finally be what I
always wanted to be.
"Jason...we have to...that is...dude, do you remember a few years ago,
when we came back from Boy Scout Camp that one year, and you
hit me in the forehead with a rock from that slingshot that you made
while the Scoutmaster wasn't looking?"
"Awww, dude...I'm still SO sorry about that. It was an accident, I
"Yeah, well...I'm gay."
I waited for him to say something, almost locked in a 'cringe' position,
with my eyes half closed.
Nothing. Jason didn't even move at first. He
peeked at me out of the corner of his eye for a second, then looked back
at the screen, his index fingers lightly tapping the spacebar. I don't
think it really penetrated for about 30 seconds or so. Then his forehead
wrinkled up a bit in confusion. "Wait...huh???" He said.
"I said..." Lowering my voice, "...I'm gay, Jason. I...I like boys." And
now comes that short silence that always seemed so eternal to me. Where
they try to mentally process what I had just confessed to them, and I wait in misery
for some kind of definite response. Even if that response is a bad one.
Finally, after a few moments of thought, he squinted his eyes a bit and
replied, "What the hell has that got to do with me beaning you with a
rock after Summer camp?"
Now it was my turn to be a bit confused. "Oh...um...nothing, I
"Then why'd you bring it up?"
"I dunno. I guess...I guess it was just the first thing that came to
mind." I answered.
"The first thing that came to MIND? Dude, you are just plain
WEIRD sometimes, you know that?" He said, and then he just turned back
to the computer screen. He started randomly looking for another internet
clip to show me, and didn't bother to say anything else. I waited in
silence behind him for a full minute before I found myself ready to
"Jason??? Did you hear anything that I just said to you?"
"Yeah. I heard you. You're gay. So?" He was stalling, I could tell.
But he didn't seem angry. Or disgusted. Or even all that interested, for that matter. So that was
"So...I mean, what do you think about that?" I asked, hoping that I
wasn't pushing it. But I had to know. This silence was killing me.
"S'ok. It's cool." He said it without much emotion, and without looking
at me. I looked closer at his eyes, hoping that he wasn't lying to me. I
could take a rejection to my face. But to have him suppress it now, only
to find out later from Summer that he doesn't want to be friends with me
anymore? THAT would pretty much break my heart for good. "Really,
"Are you sure?" I asked again, almost disappointed in his lackluster
"Yeah, I'm sure. We're buds, man. This doesn't change a thing." He said, but then he sort of turned to look
at me sideways. "Wait...I mean...you're not, like, in love with
me or anything, are you?"
I blushed a bit, but was happy that my answer was the truth. "No, Jason.
I'm not in love with you or anything." Not anymore, anyway. But then,
just to be absolutely SURE, I added, "Unless...unless you
were uhh...you know...interested in maybe..."
"No. Totally not. Not at all." He said abruptly. Damn...well, you can't
say that I didn't try.
"Yeah. That's kinda what I figured." But as he went back to typing away
on his keyboard, clearly not one hundred percent over the shock yet but
hiding it well, a devilish grin broke out on my face. "I DO think you're smoking hot though. Just so you know."
"EXTREMELY hot, actually."
"Dude...don't..." He said with a slight grin of his own, shrugging away
"If you ever feel like you need a really long, really wet, blowjob from
somebody who's just ACHING to do it for you..."
"DUDE! Ewww! Ok, that's enough gay talk for right now! Don't make me
grab the slingshot!" We had a few giggles over it, and I knelt down
beside his chair as he started searching the website again. Waiting for
some of our friendly comfort to return to us in itsentirety took about ten minutes or
so. I guess that's to be expected though. I did drop a pretty big bomb
on him out of nowhere. I wondered if he meant what he said. If it really
was ok that I liked other boys. God, he was cute. So cute that it almost
hurt to be this close to him and not have my lips touching him
somewhere. I won't lie...for the first few minutes, having him know that
I was gay...the urge to kiss him was damn near OVERWHELMING! Almost
to the point where I thought I'd have no control over myself if he somuch as smiled at me one more time. But as we
began to melt back into our normal behavior, Jason looked at me
and shook his head as he mumbled, "Summer Camp....psh! You're SUCH a
weirdo." I couldn't help but let a cheeky grin spread out on my lips.
I guess I didn't need all of that mushy romance and candy kisses from
Jason just to be absorbed in his company. Besides, at this point, it
would probably be like kissing my brother or something anyway.
So, I made my big confession, and I suppose a
part of my heart finally let the fantasy of him and I ever being together go, at long last. But I had
one hell of a good friend, and enough goofy memories to keep me grinning the rest of my life.
moments later, when Jason saw me grinning to myself, Jason turned to me with an even
bigger smirk. He put his arm over my shoulder, and with a giggle, he
gave me a boyishly affectionate gesture that was somewhere between a
tight hug and a tight headlock. I laughed as he shook me in his
manly embrace, basically letting me know that we really were still as cool as we always had been. And
always will be. Thank God. Whew...ok, so I didn't get to wrap my lips
around what must be the most incredibly DELICIOUS boner in high
school...but I feel like I got an even better friend than I had before.
One that now understood me a LOT better than he did a few hours ago. And
somehow, that was just as satisfying.
Still wish I could have given him that blowjob though. Just...let me say that ONE more time! Beause I mean it. He can be SOOOO
The next day, when I saw Summer just before first period, she was teasing her
short dark hair in the mirror she had set up in her locker door. I
walked up to her with a giant grin on my face, and she made me wait
until she fixed her bangs before turning around. "What are you so
"Life is great! That's what!" I smiled.
"Life is great? Curious." Then, she examined my face a bit closer...and
I watched as her eyes popped open wide. "Omigod! No way! You told Jason, didn't you???"
"Yep! I did it! Just yesterday!" I could hardly contain myself.
Summer gave me a short lived scream before covering her mouth with her
hand and looking around the hall to make sure nobody was staring at us.
Then she wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a hug strong enough
to almost knock me off balance. "Wow! Oh Gabe, I can't believe you did
it! I'm so proud of you! Do you know how awesome this is? That means we can all be on the
same page when we hang out now!" She beamed. "That's so sweet! What did
"He didn't really SAY much of anything. I mean, I think it kinda
surprised him a bit...but, once it sunk in, he just kinda gave me this
'hug' and everything was cool after that."
I swear, I thought Summer was going to tear up and ruin what little make
up she had on her face. "That is just PERFECT, Gabe! It really is!"
"Yeah..." I started, then shrugged my shoulders a bit. "...Well...not
PERFECT. But it was cool. 'Perfect' would have had an entirely
different outcome. But...you know..." Summer looked at me for a moment,
and I blushed, turning away from her.
"What are you trying to tell me, here?"
"Nothing. Come on, we've gotta get to class."
She giggled, her accusing eyes focused on my bashful grin. "I don't even
wanna know, dude." She said.
"No...no, you don't. Hehehe...it would have been nice though." I
"Well, at least I know you've got good taste in boys." She said, and
gently took my arm as she walked with me to our first class of the day.
"We totally have to compare notes on who's cute in this 'zoo' later!"
“What do you mean, whatever? You never know, we might just find the other half of 'perfect' for you around here.”
“Summer...no.” I said. “Look, I'm still really really new to all of this. I'm not ready to start stalking people at random and getting my heart broken nine times out of ten, ok?”
“Well, you can at least look.” She said.
“Right. And looking leads to fantasizing. Fantasizing leads to infatuation. And infatuation leads to me drooling over somebody that will never ever EVER be interested in me. Not in that way. And that leads to my heart being smashed to bits. That's why they call it a 'crush'.”
Forever the optimist, Summer just shook her head with a smirk. “Your negativity astounds me, Gabe. But have it your way. All in due time.” I know she's happy for me, but...I think I've got to work on this stuff on my own for a while. Baby steps, you know?
I swear, I smiled for the rest of that week. The only real problem that
Jason seemed to have with the whole situation was that I told Summer
first before telling him. Hehehe, it was kind of adorable, to be honest. I think, over time, Jason took to the idea of me being gay much
better than I expected him to. If anything, he was the first one to make
it ok to kind of joke about it. I'll have to admit though, the fact that
he took no interest in even 'trying' to be gay...even for a little
fifteen minute roll in the hay for the sake of relieving some sexual tension...stung a little bit. I
couldn't help but feel a pinch of disappointment. I mean, that was a few
years worth of wet dreams and hypothetical strategies that I had to erase now. But, what can I say?
He got used to knowing for sure that I was gay, and I got used to knowing for sure that he was straight. Once we finally came to terms with each other, there really wasn't much of a difference at all.
My life got a total upgrade. The people closest to me knew who I was. And in some
strange way, that was helping me find out who I was. It was an
experience that I never expected to be so quick, so easy, and so fulfilling. It
was so uplifting, in fact, that I never really wanted things to change.
Things always change.
It had been maybe a month since my confession to Jason, and the three of
us remained just as close as we always had. Then...came
the cafe. "You're gonna love this place, Gabe. They've got this really
awesome hot apple cider in this big mug, with whip cream on top, and
this warm caramel swimming around at the bottom of the glass. Dude, it's
mind blowing!" Summer said, holding my arm as she usually did.
"Where did you guys hear about this place again?" I asked.
"A friend of mine told me about it. It's cool." Jason said, but
something about the look on his face was...I don't know...'different'.
"Ok." I said. "So it's just us three, right?"
"Dude, stop it! What's with all of the questions today???" Jason snapped.
What the heck has gotten HIM so wound up.
"All of WHAT questions? That was, like, TWO." I told him.
"Don't worry, you'll love it. This place is great." Summer was obviously trying to
distract me, and now I was wondering if this was more than us just 'hanging out' on a Saturday afternoon.
It wasn't my birthday, or any kind of holiday, so it wasn't like a
surprise party or anything. But SOMETHING had to be up. From the second we walked in the door, I was scanning the cafe for a familiar face
or some kind of clue that would give their secret away. Nothing.
Nowhere. This was weird, but I played along. I suppose I'll find out
We sat down at one of the large wooden tables by the window, and absorbed
the laid back atmosphere of the place. We ordered three of those giant
caramel ciders and the waitress told us that it would be a five to ten
minute wait while they got a new batch ready.
Any place where a batch of apple cider takes THAT long to make...it's GOT to be
good! So we just sat at the table and joked around a bit for the first
fifteen minutes, laughing and teasing each other as we always did. And
then...I think I got my surprise.
"What's up? Sorry, I'm late. Work kept me for a few minutes more to fix
up the comic book section." Came a voice from over my shoulder, and a
'boy' sat down at our table, right across from me. My first glance was
flooded with a level of beauty that was almost too much to handle
without warning. I mean...he was stunning. By that, I mean that I was literally stunned by his sudden appearance and found myself unable to move. As soon as I felt the shock of it all wearing off, I made sure to yank my eyes away from him and close my open
mouth before he caught me gawking at him so helplessly. I had never
seen him before, but my smile disappeared, and I clammed up immediately.
"Hi..." He said, looking me right in the eye. It felt like I had
swallowed a brick when his eyes first connected to mine, and I shimmied
in my chair a little as my limbs turned to jelly.
"Hi..." I answered him, but my voice couldn't have been much more than a
whisper. I think...I think his presence just really caught me off guard,
"This is my best bud, Gabe, and this is Summer." Jason did the
introductions, and the other boy happily shook hands and gave us a
polite smile. His soft skin came into contact with mine, and I was
almost afraid to hold his hand for more than a split second because it
was making me blush. I think that my brain suddenly froze up on me, as I
couldn't really get past the initial first glance of him, and yanking my
hand back so fast from his shake made it look like he had burned my
He was wearing black jeans that hung a little low on him,
mostly because his stomach was so incredibly flat, his hips so slender and trim on the sides. He had on a button down
black denim shirt that he wore open to reveal a gleaming white t-shirt
underneath, and a cute single sharktooth necklace around his neck, hanging
just below the middle of his collarbone. To be near him was a breathtaking experience.
Yes, I was definitely...impressed at first sight. "Guys, this is Niles. I met him the
last couple of times our school basketball team beat the pants off of
his! Not that they had much chance to begin with!" Jason said with a
smirk, and Niles didn't have much choice but to shrug in reluctant
"You guys could attribute some of those points to LUCK, you
know?" He said, a gentle Irish accent gliding over certain words when he
spoke. His voice was a bit lighter than I expected it to be, but I
thought it was really cute. Each and every syllable seemed to slide
gracefully off of the tip of his tongue with this seductive sense of
grace, you know? The rhythm with which he spoke made his words dance
across the table. I couldn't have been more entranced. I already knew that I could just
listen to him talk for hours, and he had only been talking for a few
"Yep! And the rest of the points belong to me." Jason let a cocky grin
cross his lips, and posed a bit with his 'beginners biceps' flexed for further
effect. "Meaning that we have just enough points to beat you, three
games to your...um...ZERO!"
"Whatever. We'll see what happens when your luck runs out, and you're
forced to score on skill alone." Niles smiled, and his
eyes connected with mine briefly before I forced my gaze down to the table again.
I'm pretty sure that he noticed me staring. But what else was I supposed to do? He was gorgeous! You could
feel his every glance in your lower abdomen, for crying out loud!
It was absolutely terrifying! It was like having someone put an ice cold
stethoscope to your nuts just to watch you flinch and cower from the
sensation. "So what did you guys order so far? I have no idea what to
get in this place." God...his voice was so enchanting. Almost erotic in its delivery.
It made me fidget again just to hear it.
"The cider! You've GOT to have some, Niles! Trust me on this!" Summer said
"Oh, alright. If that's the recommendation of the day, I'm all for it."
Niles was slightly taller than me by a few inches, but the same weight,
if not less, from the looks of it. Jesus...he was REALLY cute! The kind of
cute that you only see in magazines and boyband album covers. He had
this medium length, super soft, dark brown hair, that was just a little
bit longer in the back than up front. It was like...'perfect', you
know? Straight, and light, and touchable. And since his hair was so
dark, it was an amazingly beautiful contrast to his eyes. His eyes were
huge! Like a baby deer, you know? And they were this spectacular mix of
ice blue and a dark mint green that was more than intimidating to look at unshielded. And
yet, those giant pools of expressive majesty just seemed to pull you in
to stare at them longingly whether you wanted to or not. And his voice.
That angelic voice, his accent only really strong on little words and
phrases here and there. Just strong enough to make a presence while he
was speaking. I loved it. I loved how slim he was, his body looking almost
serpentine in his clothes, his belt...merely for show on his narrow waistline.
You just wanted to run your fingers lightly up and down the center of
his flat chest, and down over his soft stomach, which looked almost
sucked in at the waist. But it wasn't the kind of body that looked like
he put a lot of 'work' into it. It was still sweet, and pure, with the
kind of visible sponginess that allowed him to walk that thin
line between the high school athlete and the proverbial boy next door
sweetheart. It was the kind of miraculous package that inspires love,
lust, and a never-ending infatuation, from all angles of the room. Wow...what the hell was he even DOING here?
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