My eyes were weighed back down to the table for an entirely different
reason this time. I began nervously ripping up my napkin again. Just then, Jason
came back to the table. "They are playing Wilson Phillips in the
bathroom. That is SO not comfortable when you're trying to take a piss!"
He said, patting me on the shoulder again as he passed me to sit down. I
looked over at him, and frowned slightly. He had been busted, the
scheming little bastard. And when Summer came back in from outside, she
got more of the same look. This was a game. It was all a stupid game. Something
for the poor little 'gay' boy to get excited about. Oh gee, thanks for
the pity date, I really appreciate it, you guys.
I don't think Niles really noticed much of a change in my demeanor, but
Summer and Jason could tell. I wasn't the playful little pawn anymore. I was
insulted that they thought to make my sexuality a game at all, to be honest. I was
definitely ready to go, and thank goodness, I only had another 20 minutes
to wait before they got the message. They could tell that I just was into putting on a show for them anymore, so we paid our check and gathered
our stuff up to leave. We huddled up out in front of the cafe to say our
goodbyes, and I just tried to hide the shame on my face long enough to bring this day to an end. I watched as Niles gave Jason a sports-like handshake, then he
gave Summer a little kiss on her hand with a smile, saying that it was
nice meeting her. All the while, I was standing off to the side,
trying not to be noticed. My insides sulked and sagged, still
magnetically attracted to every lovely quality that I could and couldn't
see about that boy. But I felt as though I had been shamed beyond
belief. As though...the whole 'magic' behind this seemingly coincidental
encounter had been a fluke. The fantasy had been tainted. It's like being told
that there was no Santa Claus all over again.
After saying goodbye to the other two, I could feel Niles' eyes wandering over to me. I
looked up sheepishly, and his eyes floored me again with their
He had deliberately saved me for last.
Niles walked over to me,
and instead of a friendly handshake, he gave me a loving hug around the neck.
Wow...as much as the anger and the discomfort was building up inside of
me over what had happened, I couldn't help but to practically melt in his arms. That aroma
of fresh vanilla seemed to wash over me, getting caught up in the fabric
of my clothes, the soft scent filling my nostrils and making me sigh
out loud with infatuation. My arms instinctively went to his trim waistline, and my palms
laid flat on the small of his back. Lightly, almost afraid to touch him
too roughly. My nose and lips lightly pressed against the fabric of his shirt. It only took me a few seconds before I let my fingers slide
further down to touch somewhere near the top of his belt,
and he lightly pushed himself into my embrace. Not enough so that our
privates were touching, but almost everything above the belt was. Gosh,
he was so slim. So soft and seductively sweet. Holding him and feeling
the warmth of his body heat against my chest and stomach was, like, the
most erotic thing I had ever done in my life. I could feel his chin
resting tenderly on my shoulder, and he gave me a delicate squeeze
before letting go. The hug itself was maybe all of a few seconds, but to
me, it lasted a lifetime.
Then...it was over. He backed up a step or
two, looking at me with those sparkling sea green specs of his. "I really enjoyed meeting you, Gabe." He said softly. "Maybe we can do this again
sometime? I'm not that far away if you ever want to visit." He held my gaze
for a short moment, and I was forced to look down at my feet before I
started to tent out my jeans.
"Um...k..." I said, still quaking from our physical contact. I could
still smell his scent on me, and one of his dark brown hairs had been
left on the collar of my shirt. I could feel it lazily grazing the nape
of my neck as a gentle breeze passed over us.
"Ok, you guys. I'll see you later. Bye, Gabe. Come see me some time, ok?"
I nodded politely, even though the fact that he addressed me directly
made me wiggle in the very center of my being. And then Niles waved and gave
me one last adorable smile as he walked away from us to go be beautiful elsewhere for another unsuspecting audience. Lucky them.
My heart swelled as my
lungs deflated. The very notion that ANYONE that young and that cute could
possibly be available to someone with my apparently 'abnormal'
tastes...was simply unheard of. But it was true. He liked boys. And if
he's not with someone already, he will be soon. I can't imagine any gay
boy in the WORLD would pass up a chance to be with something that
incredible. And yet, even with a harsh infatuation pumping itself into
my system to the point of overdose, I had other matters to attend
As soon as Niles was out of sight, my grin disappeared, and my
"Exactly what the hell did you two think you were doing???" I asked. Both
Jason and Summer looked at me, confused.
"What are you talking about?" Jason seemed innocent enough, his
poker face spot on. But Summer knew better than to try to dig her way
out of this now.
"You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. What are you trying to do to me???"
I said louder.
"Gabe...take it easy. What's the matter with you?" Summer tried to keep
me calm, but I didn't even want to look at her right now.
"What's the matter? With ME??? Do I look like a complete
IDIOT to you?"
"Dude, we were just trying to....you know..." Jason was trying to find a
heterosexual way of saying, 'hook you up with another queer', I'm sure.
"...I thought you'd be into it."
"Into WHAT? What are you, my PIMP now?" I said. "I can't believe you guys did
"Did WHAT?" Summer added. "Gabe...he was CUTE! EXTREMELY cute!
And he was totally down for meeting you today. When we told him about
you, he thought it was bullshit. Like nobody could be that incredible.
But honestly, I think he likes what he sees. He was, like, smiling the
"You told him I was GAY???" I said, even more shocked than before. There
was a pause, and neither one of them wanted to answer first.
Then Summer wrinkled her brow, and a pained look came over her face as
she said, "Well..."
"Omigod, you did! You told him!" I pointed a finger at them, "I told you
guys that in CONFIDENCE! And you run out and tell the first person you
"Niles was NOT the first person we came across! And except for Niles, we
haven't told a single soul about you being gay!" She said louder.
"Great, Summer. Just great. Shout it out in the street now, why don't you?" I
"Oh, get over yourself, Gabe. We were trying to help."
"You TOLD somebody that I don't even KNOW that I'm gay. How does that
"We ONLY did that because Jason already knew that HE was gay first. You
came out to Jason, Jason knew about Niles, we met him and talked about
getting together, and we figured we'd put you two in the same room and
see what happened. That's IT! It's not like I slipped a hundred dollar
bill into his pocket and tossed him a half opened condom packet, saying,
'Don't bruise the face, we need it to market him later'!"
"That's not even REMOTELY funny right now, Summer." I whined. "You
could have told me. Now I look like a complete asshole."
"WHY???" She protested. "Gabe, honey...look at me, ok?" She turned my
head and held onto my shoulders. "This guy...he's awesome. Do you
understand that? He's a total BABE!"
"He's prob...sighhh..." I said, rolling my eyes, "He's probably
got somebody in his sights already."
"He doesn't have ANYBODY, Gabe. We checked. He doesn't like your
average brainless supermodel type boyfriend. He's looking for someone
with substance. Someone with a heart. That's got YOUR name written all over it! Did you see
the way that he was looking at you all afternoon? He thinks you're CUTE! And
he was having a really good time!"
"Yeah. Actually, he says none of the guys he's ever been interested in
have ever made him laugh. Like ever. You had him giggling all afternoon." Jason
I said, “You guys...you can't just...put two gay boys at the same table and expect them to fall in love. I can't believe you told him stuff about me. I must look so desperate, having my friends trick me into coming out here and having to talk to boys for me. You just...UGH! Why couldn't you just let me do this on my OWN?”
“It's not like we betrayed you, Gabe! We just thought you two would get along. You know?” Summer shook me lightly to get me to look her in the eye. "Come on, man...he's single, he's smart, and he's
just...he's fucking HOT, you know?" But, as much as it seemed
like a good idea, I think I was too stubborn to give in to the fact that they set me up like this. "He's looking
for somebody special, you're looking for somebody special..."
"Who said that I was looking for ANYBODY? I'm not lonely, ok? I'm
just...figuring things out, and you guys are pushing me into something
that I'm not even...I don't even know if he...or if I want to...whatever.
I didn't ask you to DO this, Summer." I was SO humiliated. Why
did they have to tell him about me? What did I do today? What did I SAY
to him? I was staring awfully hard. He must have known the entire time
that I was checking him out. It was all flirtatious and fun before, but
NOW? Now I look like some kind of lecherous weirdo. And they somehow
couldn't see how scheming and plotting and putting this together the way they did could possibly be uncomfortable
for me. I mean, here's this wonderful, gorgeous, gay teen boy...and they basically paint me as though
I'm some kind of hopeless loser who needs to have his buddies set him up
on a 'play date' like a toddler with no friends. "God...could you guys
be any MORE embarrassing?" I said, turning around to walk away.
"Gabe. Don't be like that." Jason called after me. "Dude, we're SORRY,
"Whatever." I sulked away from them, getting ready for the long walk
back home. Sighhh...Niles...PLEASE don't think that I had anything to do
with this! Ugh! I look like such a dork for even BEING there!
You would think that a forty five minute walk home would do a lot of good
when it came to clearing my head and working my way out of a
confusing state of mind. But it really didn't. It's hard to explain,
but...I felt so incredibly disconnected from what I was really feeling
inside all of a sudden. It was like...there was this 'itch' inside,
and I just couldn't get to it. Some kind of foreign emotional parasite
that was working all on its own, burrowing in deeper, despite my attempts to get a hold of
it. I couldn't understand what was happening to me. I felt embarrassed,
but hopeful. Angry, but giddy. Sad, but inspired. Does ANY of this
make sense??? I mean, without any kind of well defined reasons for
what I was feeling...I didn't have any way to...you know...understand
what the hell was wrong with me. Maybe I'm just being stubborn. I don't
know. I just...I want to have some kind of clear definition of what is
right or wrong here. What's going to be 'cool', and what makes me look
like a douche. What am I going to say if I ever run into Niles again? I'm going to have to hide from him forever now!
It felt like being kicked out of an airplane,
lost in this blind freefall with nothing to grasp on to. Nothing to stop me from
falling or to even slow me down. And you wanna know what's REALLY fucked
up? I liked it.
Yeah, it doesn't make any logical sense to me either. Trust me, I know.
I made certain to avoid the phone that night, as I was sure that Summer was
going to do her worst to bully me into saying I was sorry for the way I
acted earlier. Even though...I really was kind of sorry. But there was no need for her to rub it
in right now. Not until I figure things out a little bit better. Jason? Well, I'm sure that Jason was going to be a 'guy' about the whole
thing. You know...just wait a day or two, show up at my back door, and
we go back to being buds without ever mentioning it again. I didn't
really expect him to be too concerned with the emotional act of 'making
up'. Our way of making up has always been reduced to a few well placed
curse words, a painful punch in the arm, and giggling while we wait and look for
a bruise to show up. At least THAT interaction was something I understood. THAT I could handle.
But this situation with Niles...that was something entirely different.
My mind lingered on thoughts of his beauty every five minutes, it seemed. I couldn't
get him out of my head if I tried. I probably spent ninety percent of my
Saturday night staring off into space, just trying to picture his smile.
I remembered every detail. And every thought was sensual, erotic
even...but not really sexual. I just...I wanted to touch him. I wanted to
put a hand on his soft stomach and feel him breathing. Or feel the gentle
fabric of his shirt. Or maybe take a deep sniff of his soft hair. It
made me quake inside to even picture myself kissing him on the
cheek. I found myself either smiling or blushing or both for little to no
reason at all. Over and over again. It was so WEIRD! I thought about his voice, and his
accent, and the way it sounded when he said my name, and the shine in
his eyes when the sun lit him through that cafe window. Wow. I mean it. WOW!
He knew that I was gay. He KNEW. And he was smiling at
me. I mean...do you have any idea how MONUMENTAL that is??? To suddenly
be faced with an opportunity like this after spending a majority of your
waking life wondering if it's even possible to find something
this amazing in your life? Even ONCE in a lifetime? Being gay, and finding a boyfriend, and
having....SEX? That was something that I always silently wished for, but never
actually considered having access to it before. It was a fantasy. Like wishing I was
infinitely rich or wanting to be a cowboy or an astronaut when I grew up. You never
actually expect something like that to step into the realm of reality or
even come NEAR it. So when it does, it pretty much scares the hell out of you. Why? I
don't know. Maybe because I feel like I have to actually work to be worthy of it
now. I have to deal with the idea that there really is
somebody out there who might be everything that I've ever looked for in a boyfriend. Someone I can see spending the rest of my life with. Someone who brings light and magic to everything he touches, and actually takes an interest in ME on top of all that. Someone who makes me feel beautiful, and wanted, and sexy. Someone who will go out of his way to make sure that I have everything that I need to be happy, and only needs my tender kisses and confessions of love as payment for all the amazing things he's willing to do for me. You only get that once or twice in your life. And once it's gone, it's gone forever. It's so fragile. Not something to be treated carelessly. Not something to be taken for granted. That's what scares me most. There's such a pleasantly helpless
feeling in knowing that it's all on ME to figure things out and make this work. It's up to ME to make him happy...knowing that I'll only get infinite joy and happiness in return. God, what if I'm not good enough? God, PLEASE let me
be good enough.
My mom could tell that something was up when my mind kept drifting during
dinner. She looked over at me and saw my attention span reduced to
that of a goldfish. "Is it anything you wanna talk about, hon?" She
asked out of nowhere.
"Wha...huh?" I looked back at my plate, and realized that I had been
lazily pushing the same potato piece with my fork for about five minutes
"You seem a bit distracted. I just thought maybe you needed an ear." She
always offered, never pushed. But there was a lot of stuff that I never
expected my mom to understand. And yet...since I was hopelessly lost on
this one...I thought she might have more of a hint than I did.
"Well..." I started playing with my food a bit more, twirling endless
circles with my fork, and tried to push far enough past the initial
embarrassment to speak to her about it. "...I was kinda thinking
"Something?" She asked.
"Ohh...someONE." She smiled, and I smirked a bit too, with a
blush on the side.
"Don't make fun of me."
"Who's making FUN? I smiled. I can smile at my son, can't I?" I
looked away, but she did her best to hold back her grin. "So...who is
this special 'someone' you're thinking about?"
"He's just...some guy."
"Ok. That helps." She said sarcastically.
"He's...well...I met him today. So I don't really KNOW him,
know him. But...I kinda want to know him. You know?" I said, my words twisting
themselves into a jumble of nonsense. I kept my eyes down on my plate, trying to keep
my eyes from giving away more than I wanted them too.
"Ok..." She said, applying just the right amount of pressure to keep me
talking, but not too much where I clammed up and let it go. "So...this
guy...is he cute?"
"God, yes..." I sighed, almost forgetting that I was talking to my MOM
for a second there. My eyes widened, and I blushed even harder. "Sorry."
She just giggled to herself, still trying to hold her chuckles in until
we talked some more. "So? Do you like this 'cute' boy?" I nodded. "Does
he like you back?"
"I dunno...maybe. I mean, he might. But, I can't really tell for sure. Probably
"Why not? Why do you think that?"
"He's kind of...out of my league, Mom. You know? I mean, like, seriously
out of my league."
"Somehow, I don't think such a category exists for you, sport." She
said. She waited for a moment or two, taking another bite of food,
before working up the nerve to ask me that one particular question. That
extra step that we gay boys always have to go through before we can
invest any real emotions into anybody who catches our eye. "So, what do
you think about the odds with this boy? I mean...he doesn't have a
girlfriend or anything, does he?"
"Oh no. No girlfriend. No guessing game this time. I
mean...he's....he's gay like me." I started twirling my fork faster,
traces of that nervous energy still lingering in my limbs from his hug
"Really?" Her smile widened considerably. I got weirded out for a
moment there, because I thought she was going to misty up on me or something. "He told
"Yeah...he did." She was melting now, and I just wanted to leave it
alone at that point. I don't know what it was, but this wasn't a
conversation that I should have gone into with her. And yet, now that I
had the chance to talk to someone about him, I couldn't stop.
"...Anyway, so he's on my mind. And it's just...it's making me nuts.
"Aww, don't take a feeling like that and brush it off of your shoulder.
You should be happy. He's cute, he's gay, you like him, he might like you, so...tell
me more. You've got my attention. Talk to me." She said.
"There's nothing to talk about, really. I'm just thinking about him. I've been thinking about him a lot." I
started to get up from the table, but she wanted more.
"Wait. Where are you going? Sit down. Talk to me."
"I just did."
"No, you gave me an excuse as to why you were staring off into space.
Now I want to hear more about this boy you're 'thinking' about. What's he
"Mom..." I whined. "Don't, ok? This is weird enough as it is."
"Well, what's weird about it? I think it's great that you like
"It's NOT great. It's...confusing." I said with a pout.
"Yes, confusion can be a part of it too. But it's a good thing. The more
someone confuses you, the better. It makes love fun."
"I'm NOT in love, either. So don't start getting all emo on me.
It's not like that. He's just...he's..." I lowered my voice.
"...Cute. That's all."
"That's how it always starts." She smiled, and I playfully rolled my
eyes at her. "So, after you guys talked for a while...did you ask him
This strange rush of mild frustration washed over me all at once.
"WHAT??? NO!!! Ask him out? Geez, Mom! Why would I ask him
"Why wouldn't you?"
"Because..." I said, hoping that would be enough of an answer.
"Sighhh...you don't understand."
"Understand what? You said he was gay, right? What could it hurt to take
a shot at asking him out?"
"It's not that easy."
"It's not that hard either." She said, and I huffed a bit as I started
to walk past her chair.
"Just forget it, ok?" I sulked. But she took a hold of my arm and gently
pulled me close to her. "Mom..."
"Stop squirming!" She giggled. "Listen, don't ever sell yourself
short, ok? You're beautiful. You've always been beautiful. And any boy
with a brain in his head is going to see that the moment they get a good look at you. Even
more so when they talk to you. So believe me when I tell you that you
can have your pick of the litter when it comes to gay boys like yourself. Even the
ones you think are so 'out of your league'." She said, hugging me and
giving me a loving 'shake' to keep me from pouting stubbornly to myself.
The shake helped to put a sly grin back on my face, even if it was
against my will. "Don't WORRY, I'm not going to go invading your
privacy or anything. But you know you can always talk to me, right? Because
I tell you the truth."
She looked up at me for an answer. "Yes, Mom." I mumbled.
"Good, now give your mother a kiss and then go pout somewhere in seclusion like you
always do." She had such an affectionate way of teasing me. But she was
right...and she did tell me the truth whenever we talked. It just seems
like a bit of a stretch to think that Niles would be that easy to
snatch up. The words, 'too good to be true' never applied more than they
did when thinking of Niles and me being a couple. I should have talked more while we
were at the cafe. I should have been more friendly, and social, and
funny. I just wish I could start this day all over again, that's all.
[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]
Forum timezone: GMT-6|
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.